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Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

Brother I'm not a female, but I am deeply concerned about you, since you said you are 28 and due to other details, and I can relate to the feeling of sexual frustration. I would say forget about this old backwards culture and find yourself a masjid that follows Islam properly and find a girl's wali from there, and ask him if you can marry his daughter and ask around and ask the imam for help. If you can not find any other masjid in your city, find it in another city. If not, somewhere across the province (or whatever you call it in your country, what country you live in bro btw?) if not across the country, and consider marriage sites but find ones controlled and supervised and monitered by the wali because shytaan loves seclusion of a man and a woman. perhaps marry abroad? But first try communicating with your mother if you truly want to marry this girl, but if she says no, just man up and face the wali yourself and tell him your intentions and try to make dawah to him about how culture has no place in Islam, but do it gently and subtly. If you can never, ever, ever get married to this girl, even if an intermediary can not help (an imam) it's time to move on and find someone who is good enough for you and who will truly make you happy. As they say in America, "their's plenty of fish in the sea"
 
Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

I'm a female and in her place I would consider. You must talk to your mom politely that you ARE SERIOUS ABOUT HER! You want to marry and bring grandkids. Ask if there are male relatives of the girl that you like about her. You can go to her brother or father or ask your dad or someone else in the family to propose for you.
 
Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

STN said:
The girl lives in another city and my mother isn't keen on going there until "she knows that they agreed to marriage or are favorable to it" and i think the way they have been approached is the reason they rejected it.
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Assalamualaikum brother STN.

If a girl receive marriage proposal, she and her family want to make sure that the guy parent approve it because they don't want to get a trouble. That's why they ask the guy to come with his family before they decide to accept or reject. However, in another side there are also cases which a guy came with his parents, but the girl family respond it negatively, looked down on the guy and his family, and reject in offensive way.

This is what makes your mother worry. So, she told you that she will come only if that girl family has willing to accept. It's understandable because from what you have written seem like there is something that makes you mother worry that the girl family will look down on your family and insult her.

What you have to do is try to convince the girl family to accept you first, before you come with your family. Indeed, you must tell them honestly about your family situation. It's not easy, I know, but you must try.
 
Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

STN said:
I am in a kind of situation and don't really know how to say it. So i'll just give a little background.

So i am from a very conservative culture where it's frowned upon for the guy to openly talk to girls and the way marriage works is the guy's family goes to girl's home and proposes. Now there's this girl i loved since school (it's a long story so i'll digress) and now that i actually have a job MashaAllah and can have a family, i am trying to propose to the girl. This is where it gets complicated.

Now my mother hasn't been to their home even once despite my urging, always some excuse. Instead, there's this old woman who's somehow related to the girl's family that my mother's own family knows through somebody - yeah complex relationship - but all my mom has done so far is ask that woman to go to the girl's family and propose and that hasn't been very positive (they make up excuses like they don't want to marry the girl yet and she's almost same age as me - 28 so it's not that) so far. They first said they will find out about our family and need time to think then the second time they said that^ so perhaps someone told them something bad about us?, i don't know.

What i want to know is and this is why i want the females here especially from similar cultures to answer - Do you think my mother not even visiting them once could have made them not like us? Imagine if you were in similar situation and some woman that was related to you told you of some guy(me), what would your impression be ? Would you act the same way? Or there is a chance that your family could agree to it.

What a mess, right. The girl lives in another city and my mother isn't keen on going there until "she knows that they agreed to marriage or are favorable to it" and i think the way they have been approached is the reason they rejected it.

I can't meet the girl due to conservative environment, i would have just married her and ran away with her because this is a mess and it is far easier to commit sin and fornication than to marry a girl due to how terrible the culture has become. And it seems like that is the only choice i have left because my mother can't bother to even visit a girl's house, my father is drug-addict and that's the only way you can get married in this mess. When shaytaan takes control of me, i regret giving up hitting on girls and the life i was living, certainly could have taken my pick of any girl i wanted and times like these, i really want to fly away to America...i can do that any day but the only reason i have not done that is because i would rather live in a Muslim country and be free from all the temptations.

So any advice? your thoughts?

PS: It feels weird to make this thread when i am the one giving advice usually and i already know the answer (get out of this "sweet" place (i am trying to cut down on my swearing)) but maybe someone has a good thought?
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may Allah make it easy for you
do know that Allah can help you ... especially because you want to protect yourself from sins
just before you go to your mom and asking her for help do ask Allah first ... make sadakah If you can , make a lot of istighfar ... do istikharah for this girl ... when you make istikharah ... if she is good for you Allah will let your mother going to her and make the easy with a way that you don't even know or think about ... if not .. then he will bring the best for you
and ask everyone who made istikharah how he see the best things after it
say :allahumma kfini bihalalika an haramik ... WA agnini bifadlika amman siwak
say : rabii LA tadarni fardan WA anta khayro lwarithin
say :rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin fakir
be kind with your parents as you can ... and when you tell her this ... tell her that you want to be happy to be far from sins and you want a woman Which will make both of you happy
tell her that you want her douaa ... kiss her hand and tell her to be happy with you to get Allah's help
and obey Allah and wait for his help ... you will see the best thing happen
just trust in him and know that he is the most wise the most merciful and he care of you and preparing the best for you .
 
Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

Take your mother out for dinner and stop by the girls house afterwards? It sounds like you just need to get clever here. I like brother Ardianto's advice also. Play this smart and most importantly, make dua. Lots of it.
 
Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

Why don't you go to her family and ask for her hand in marriage? It's Islamic to go and ask the father the hand of her daughter, assuming that she has a father that is alive?
 
Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

Forget about it.
 
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Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

I'm confused, when you refer to "culture"; yet make note that your brother has a girlfriend, how would it be weird to go and ask for this girl to be your wife? ^o) I don't think it's so much culture, as the "culture" you're trying to impose on yourself, when no one else is following it around you. It's not against Islam to go and ask a woman that you like to be your wife. How could your mother be religious, yet make it difficult for you to fulfill your deen through marriage? It seems like you're in a self-inflicted paradox that doesn't make sense to me. :facepalm:
 
Re: Marriage - i would rather females answer this

My apologies for making you all go through this.

Jazakallah khair for all your efforts.
 
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I have no doubt that my duas are accepted inshaAllah. But sister, if my mother doesn't want to ask her family herself, tell them about me then how will it even happen hahaa. Allah accepts dua and we don't necessarily get how we want it, maybe it is a sign for me that i should get myself out and away from my parents. How can my condition change if i don't even try, if my mother is like this then the solution is to get away.

And my mother is religious so she knows about sin. I don't need to educate her.

I should really man up and do it like others have been doing, so many of the people in my town go to another country and get married there to christians. I don't have a mother who cares but Allah has given me the resources and SubhanAllah, friends who can sponsor me (to US) and i even work for a company there, maybe my fate is there. Really feel like a fool for not flying out of this dump when i was younger...i never thought i would be in this situation.

Apologizies for the lengthy post, had to give you some perspective about the place i live in.
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we also in our country in some town have this problem ... but there are a lot of men who they can't say no and marry a girl they nor like they harm them selves and harm this woman also
its your wright to get your happiness but also istikhara help a lot to soften the hearts and to make the things easy
I am sorry
I didn't get all what you said but I tried to just help in what can help everyone of us which is the trusting in Allah ... but this doesn't mean to stop trying doing your best to protect yourself and achieve what you want
may Allah make it easy for all those who are suffering from any kind of hardship
amen
 
Bhabha said:
I hope I didn't say something wrong! hew
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Well you did but in a good way. Made me realize most of you (all?) are from different countries and nobody will understand my situation no matter how much i explain it.

I also realized i am being ungrateful, talking about my mother. Whatever is written in my fate will happen anyway so what's the point of obsessing and being impatient.