Advice and duas

[Faye]

I have a friend who is going to madrassa with me. She is 18 years old and her parents want her to get married. She wants to continue with madrassa and does not want to get married until she is done (3-4 years). Her parents are looking for suitors for her without telling her about them. She is afraid that by the time she will be asked about it, or maybe just informed about it, it will be all arranged and very difficult for her to say no. (Family pressure is a great and horrible thing). Today, one of her mother's asked her whether she liked her betrothed. She asked, "Who?" The mommy's friend replied, "Oh, hasn't it been finalized yet? Didn't your father come home 2 days ago?" (her father had been out of the country for the past few of months). She didn't even know who the lady was talking about

My friend is very depressed. She knows that she should obey her parents, but she has studied enough Fiqh to know that she has the right to choose not to marry if she doesn't want to. So far, I have been advising her to make du'a and try to tactfully inform her parents that she does not want to get married yet. She claims they already know her feelings on the matter but are trusting on family pressure to make her comply (she doesn't have much of a history of rebellion). But I feel sort of guilty about that, shouldn't I be advising her to obey her parents? I feel that maybe I am causing her to disobey her parents, and if I wasn't around, she would not oppose them. We both know that it is a lost battle anyway, no way can she hold out against the combined force of her family for 3 years.

If anybody has any useful advise for us, please give it. And please, everybody pray for my friend that everything turn out for the best, whether she gets married or remains unmarried to finish madrassa.

 

[Faye]

Actually, maybe this thread should be moved to advice and support. I don't know how and I don't think I have the 'powers' to be able to do this. can a more 'powerful' person please help?

 

[Lonely Gal]

I pray u are not put in this situation and things change for the best for u... inshAllah

 

[Lonely Gal]

sorry rong thread

 

[Faye]

Apparently somebody's duas payed off. My friend confronted her parents about the rumors and told them that she doesn't wish to get married yet. Some compromises were worked out and the situation has been delayed.

 

[Sharif]

Apparently somebody's duas payed off. My friend confronted her parents about the rumors and told them that she doesn't wish to get married yet. Some compromises were worked out and the situation has been delayed.

Is there a chance the "delayed situation" may come back up again soon? Before she finishes her madrasah?

Assuming she's in Pakistan, you think it's better for her to finish her madrasah and THEN get married, right? What's her plan after she finishes her madrasah? I mean, professionally.

What do you think of setting up a plan: she'll finish madrasah at year _____. So, one year before that time, she can prepare her biodata and give it to her parents and ask them to go ahead and start looking for a suitor. She'll get married as soon as she finished her madrasah.

Now that an unwanted situation is delayed, why not take some proactive actions and get ready for the future?

What do you think?

 

[Faye]

Is there a chance the "delayed situation" may come back up again soon? Before she finishes her madrasah?

Assuming she's in Pakistan, you think it's better for her to finish her madrasah and THEN get married, right? What's her plan after she finishes her madrasah? I mean, professionally.

What do you think of setting up a plan: she'll finish madrasah at year _____. So, one year before that time, she can prepare her biodata and give it to her parents and ask them to go ahead and start looking for a suitor. She'll get married as soon as she finished her madrasah.

Now that an unwanted situation is delayed, why not take some proactive actions and get ready for the future?

What do you think?

I don't think her parents will be stalled that long. But, if they wait long enough, her chances of getting a fiance who will wait for her to finish madrasah before getting married are better. Actually, the best would be if she gets a suitor who will allow her to continue to study after marriage. It would satisfy both her and her parents. Unfortunately, this is not one of her parent's requirements for her suitors. And most pakistani men, (and the in-laws) expect the bride to stay at home and keep house once they are married, even if verbal agreements were made before the marriage saying that the girl may finish her studies or continue with her career.

BTW, What is the marriage revolution?

 

[Sharif]

I don't think her parents will be stalled that long. But, if they wait long enough, her chances of getting a fiance who will wait for her to finish madrasah before getting married are better.

Although I like the sound of that, I don't think that's good enough. See if you guys (you, her and others who understand her) can PROactively guide this situation, it will be much better for her than to become REactive when her parents decide to do something.

Think of it is as a battle we know it's not, just fancy the comparison.

You guys have won the first round. Now both of you are resting. A smart move would be for you to go into "offense" mood again. <-- hmm... i hope that made sense

Actually, the best would be if she gets a suitor who will allow her to continue to study after marriage. It would satisfy both her and her parents. Unfortunately, this is not one of her parent's requirements for her suitors.

OK. Can she add that requirement? Ask her parents to add that requirement? OR can she tell them to start looking for a suitor ONE year before she graduates and then she'll get married as soon as she graduates?

And you can think of other ways to kill two birds with the same stone. Since you know the situation better, you can come up with better strategies. Don't think: "Oh, that's it, there's no way out!" Ask: "How can we do things in a way that, insha'Allah, we'll get the result we want?" Create two or even three back-up plans. So, if one plan doesn't work, the next one will, insha'Allaah.

Bottomline: get on the driver's seat!

Btw, what does she plan to do professionally?

And most pakistani men, (and the in-laws) expect the bride to stay at home and keep house once they are married, even if verbal agreements were made before the marriage saying that the girl may finish her studies or continue with her career.

The keyword here is "most." If she is an exceptional girl, she'll find a way to make it happen, insha'Allah. Don't just give in flat without any attempt. (On that note, every Muslim girl is exceptional; the exceptions show to the extent one believes in herself.)

BTW, What is the marriage revolution?

Why don't you go and see what it is?

If you've watched this, (or even if you didn't), you know about the serious marriage crisis amongst Muslim in the Western countries.

The Marriage Revolution is an answer to that crisis, insha'Allah.

 

[Faye]

Although I like the sound of that, I don't think that's good enough. See if you guys (you, her and others who understand her) can PROactively guide this situation, it will be much better for her than to become REactive when her parents decide to do something.

Think of it is as a battle we know it's not, just fancy the comparison.

You guys have won the first round. Now both of you are resting. A smart move would be for you to go into "offense" mood again. <-- hmm... i hope that made sense



OK. Can she add that requirement? Ask her parents to add that requirement? OR can she tell them to start looking for a suitor ONE year before she graduates and then she'll get married as soon as she graduates?

And you can think of other ways to kill two birds with the same stone. Since you know the situation better, you can come up with better strategies. Don't think: "Oh, that's it, there's no way out!" Ask: "How can we do things in a way that, insha'Allah, we'll get the result we want?" Create two or even three back-up plans. So, if one plan doesn't work, the next one will, insha'Allaah.

Bottomline: get on the driver's seat!

Btw, what does she plan to do professionally?



The keyword here is "most." If she is an exceptional girl, she'll find a way to make it happen, insha'Allah. Don't just give in flat without any attempt. (On that note, every Muslim girl is exceptional; the exceptions show to the extent one believes in herself.)



Why don't you go and see what it is?

If you've watched this, (or even if you didn't), you know about the serious marriage crisis amongst Muslim in the Western countries.

The Marriage Revolution is an answer to that crisis, insha'Allah.

While I agree with you in principle that proactiveness, is very good, creating splits within the family is not. We are trying very hard to not make it a battle, where both sides feel it is necessary to defend their position, even when it is obviously harming everybody, and they know it. Once pride becomes an issue, even winning is pyrrhic.

She's working to get that requirement in. Negotiations continue...

Well, the professional part really does depend on the husband Allah grants her. Islam really does give husbands the right to forbid their wives careers, study, etc. And she does want to get married, more than she wants a career.

But, I think she would like to teach, if she got the opportunity. She is a phenomenally good teacher, and has been remedial-tutoring the neighborhood kids since she was 13.

 

[Sharif]

While I agree with you in principle that proactiveness, is very good, creating splits within the family is not. We are trying very hard to not make it a battle, where both sides feel it is necessary to defend their position, even when it is obviously harming everybody, and they know it. Once pride becomes an issue, even winning is pyrrhic.

Of course, I meant to do it with tact. Creating any kind of split would be absolutely a bad bad idea.

What usually happens is: there is an "official" talk amongst family member where no one wants to lose and it turns ugly sometimes. OR

they never talk about it and either side has no clue about what the other side really wants.

With all due respect to her parents and with good mood and timing, she can tell her parents kindly about the kind of suitor she is looking for and when she wants to get married.

Imagine yourself as a parent. You're sitting on a chair. Your 20 year old comes behind and puts her arm around your neck. You giggle and ask her what's up. She says: "OK. what if you get me someone who'll let me let continue my education for another year after marriage? Please!"

If you had an excellent rapport and connection with your daughter, as a father, what would you say then?

I know I'm making it very simple when most homes and most families are not that simple. But it's never too late to do that. It all depends on how their communication is between the family members. You can't just be silent about this for 20 years and then expect them to listen to away one day.

Khayr. Du'aa' would be a very powerful weapon for the believers at some of these crucial points. Along with du'aa', unwavering faith and tawakkul, if one can face the brutal facts of reality and tactfully do her best, insha'Allah, Allah, will open doors for her which she never knew existed.

 

[Faye]

Of course, I meant to do it with tact. Creating any kind of split would be absolutely a bad bad idea.

What usually happens is: there is an "official" talk amongst family member where no one wants to lose and it turns ugly sometimes. OR

they never talk about it and either side has no clue about what the other side really wants.

With all due respect to her parents and with good mood and timing, she can tell her parents kindly about the kind of suitor she is looking for and when she wants to get married.

Imagine yourself as a parent. You're sitting on a chair. Your 20 year old comes behind and puts her arm around your neck. You giggle and ask her what's up. She says: "OK. what if you get me someone who'll let me let continue my education for another year after marriage? Please!"

If you had an excellent rapport and connection with your daughter, as a father, what would you say then?

I know I'm making it very simple when most homes and most families are not that simple. But it's never too late to do that. It all depends on how their communication is between the family members. You can't just be silent about this for 20 years and then expect them to listen to away one day.

Khayr. Du'aa' would be a very powerful weapon for the believers at some of these crucial points. Along with du'aa', unwavering faith and tawakkul, if one can face the brutal facts of reality and tactfully do her best, insha'Allah, Allah, will open doors for her which she never knew existed.

I totally agree with you that this type of family is ideal, my own is like that. The first time an offer came for my hand, I told my parents that I considered myself too young to get married, and they should reject all offers until I am at least 24. They agreed with me but added that we should still keep options open in case I get an exceptional offer. I agreed and that was that.

But not all families are like that, so frank and respectful of each other's opinions. Some people are more formal than others, they never or only rarely, touch and hug, and there are some subjects which are considered unacceptable for discussion between parents and children. The parents are so convinced that they have the right, and the ability to make the correct decisions for their children's future that they cannot consider any alternative to that situation. This does not mean that they love their children any less.

My family has a history of being liberal about such matters. The ladies of the family from at least as far back as my grandparents have traditionally been extremely picky about marriages. And women rule in this family, what they say goes. But in her family, I don't believe they have a single lady who refused a marriage without her parents support. And all of them have good marriages. Her parents cannot conceive of the notion that they should not order their daughter's marriage, or that she would even dream of refusing an offer they found acceptable. Thus subtle means must be employed, like casually mentioning her love of the Madrassa in front of sympathetic grandparents who wield a lot of might in the family, engineering conversations in front of family members in which she expresses her views about Student X at the Madrassa, who had to leave Madrassa when she got married because her husband wanted her to stay at home, and so on.

We are excellent plotters. And Allah is much much better than us. Insha Allah, things will resolve themselves, but no scheme can succeed without Allah's help, hence the Duas.