Alsalamu Alaikum. I was born to a christian family, but abandoned christianity early on. I converted to Islam when I was a young adult, and by now, I've been a muslim longer than i've been christian or irreligious. Lately I feel empty of any deen at all.
At first I was over-zealous, then as the years went on, I mellowed out. One example (out of too many to count) would be that I went from full niqab, to hijab, to turbans and now I'm in hats/beanies. I knew no other muslims when I converted, so I joined another islamic forum right after I converted. I lurked there for many years, but I quit because unislamic attitudes there were hurting my iman. Every single thread disgusted me. But losing the only muslims I knew made my iman even worse.
I've struggled with my iman, though, since the day I converted. I've always believed in the tenets of faith, but members of the other forum used to tell me I was still an atheist because I can't force myself to believe in magic or jinn. Even to this day, I can't make myself believe in it. I just think of "magic" as ridiculous superstition. I laugh when I hear my nonmuslim coworkers discussing their zodiac signs and horoscopes, ghost stories, or trying to convince me that opening my umbrella inside is "bad luck". They will tell me to knock on wood, and when I refuse, they do it for me. Or they'll shush me when I say something "unlucky" by saying "Oh god dont jinx it!" and I reply that I'm not superstitious.
The muslims on the forum weren't much different, except in their version, they kept telling me to make "taweez", wear a "hand of fatima", rub butter or to sprinkle salt in my doorways and under my bed. I just get so fed up with these attitudes that in my anger, my iman suffers. It gives me negative/insulting thoughts against religious people. I can't help these thoughts, even though I know they are arrogant and judgemental astagfirulla.
Have any of you brothers and sisters had similar feelings to me?
At first I was over-zealous, then as the years went on, I mellowed out. One example (out of too many to count) would be that I went from full niqab, to hijab, to turbans and now I'm in hats/beanies. I knew no other muslims when I converted, so I joined another islamic forum right after I converted. I lurked there for many years, but I quit because unislamic attitudes there were hurting my iman. Every single thread disgusted me. But losing the only muslims I knew made my iman even worse.
I've struggled with my iman, though, since the day I converted. I've always believed in the tenets of faith, but members of the other forum used to tell me I was still an atheist because I can't force myself to believe in magic or jinn. Even to this day, I can't make myself believe in it. I just think of "magic" as ridiculous superstition. I laugh when I hear my nonmuslim coworkers discussing their zodiac signs and horoscopes, ghost stories, or trying to convince me that opening my umbrella inside is "bad luck". They will tell me to knock on wood, and when I refuse, they do it for me. Or they'll shush me when I say something "unlucky" by saying "Oh god dont jinx it!" and I reply that I'm not superstitious.
The muslims on the forum weren't much different, except in their version, they kept telling me to make "taweez", wear a "hand of fatima", rub butter or to sprinkle salt in my doorways and under my bed. I just get so fed up with these attitudes that in my anger, my iman suffers. It gives me negative/insulting thoughts against religious people. I can't help these thoughts, even though I know they are arrogant and judgemental astagfirulla.
Have any of you brothers and sisters had similar feelings to me?
