Am I being cruel?

[AnonymousPoster]

I am the child of immigrant parents from Europe. My whole life my family has pinched pennies to send money to relatives back home. My father finally reached a level of success that allows us to live comfortable lifestyles and go to university. Alhamudullah things have always been successful for my father who is the only one of his siblings that prays and fasts and goes to mosque.
The problem is my whole life I have grown up angry from my fathers side. All my life my father has pretty much funded the lifestyles of my uncles overseas and brought many of his siblings and cousins here to this prosperous country we are in. None of them treat him with respect and the relatives overseas have grown to have a sense of entitlement. One of my uncles went through 5 luxury cars. Many times when I went I had certain items of mine disappear from my suitcase from the time I was a child. My favorite doll was stolen. Later on two or there items of clothing. The last time I went, some of my money was also missing and I had hidden it very well so the person looked through quit a bit to be able to get it.
One time that I spoke up about it no one would admit to their actions or give back my things. Now I just dont bring anything valuable and lock my suitcase as well as keeping it in a locked bedroom.

I am so angry that I have had to do this. That my own relatives would steal from me. Its not like they live in poverty, my dad has refurnished their house and given them thousands of dollars a year to live comfortably. My dad did it mostly because of his parents. He was the best kid to his parents.
He was the only one of the siblings who paid for medical, travel and funeral expenses for both his mum and dad.
Seriously, not one of his siblings, more than a few of whom live in Western countries and have money, gave any money for those expenses.
Not only that, but my dad had to come out as the bad guy in the end because he didnt let them carry out some age old traditions for funeral arrangements because some of them were haram. My father made sure both his parents had Islamic burials.

My father also brought the siblings from that country to other countries. He took care of everyone he could. Now no one thanks him or respects him. My father has terrible blood pressure from all the stress and is always at risk of a stroke because it runs in our family. I hate that he has had to live like that his whole life. I love him dearly and it kills me, makes me so angry that he has to put up with that stuff.


Now here comes my question, time is ticking away for my father, would it be cruel for me after his passing to not fund the lifestyles of my relatives overseas?
I have been told my inheritance will be quite a bit, and no matter what it is I plan on putting it into a savings account to use only in family emergencies. I am the second oldest and because my father has relied on me for help with finances by helping him deal with bills and properties he has told me that his lawyer and I will be in charge of distributing his assets and wealth amongst my siblings. I have asked my father what he wants me to do. He said when he passes, that will be up to me.
I have three brothers. I plan on splitting the wealth equally. My father owns several rental properties. Each of us has been responsible for the maintenance of a designated property. So I have decided to give the property in which each sibling was responsible for to that sibling to do with as they wish.
As for material assets such as things in my parents home including sentimental items I plan on giving each sibling what they feel is most important to them. Each of us holds something different dear to us. The oldest wants my fathers watch. I want the family pictures. The other two want various other items. So there is no conflict there.
The youngest sibling is still not at university so I plan on putting enough money away to fund his schooling. Each of us older siblings have agreed we will contribute to this account so that the youngest can have a great education and good start to his adult life. He is the joy of our family because he is so much younger than all of us.

My father has not demanded that I give any wealth to any of his siblings. He wants me to decide that. I feel that they are all old enough and financially able to take care of themselves.
I plan on sending gifts or money when a cousin gets married or has a child or there is a death. However, I do not plan on taking on the full weight of any of their financial situations.
I dont plan on taking care of them in the longer term. My belief is that I should only have to take care of my mother now. Make sure she is 10000% happy and comfortable and healthy. Also, to help my siblings when they need help.
After that I dont feel like I should have to let people rely on me for money.

None of them are poverty stricken. Some of them gamble with money. Some of them spend it on non hallal things. I dont wish to have any link to those things.
I would much rather continue giving to the poor at my mosque and sponsoring orphans from my homeland.

Am I being cruel? Am I obligated Islamically to take care of these relatives? Or should they take care of themselves at this point?
I dont want to be angry for the rest of my life or bitter. I am tired of the stress that I have had to deal with my whole life and biting my tongue for the sake of my parents. I am now an adult and wish to be free, but I also dont want to go against what Islam teaches us.
I dont know if I am doing the right thing with these choices. On one hand I wish I could help everyone, on the other hand I dont want to give the money I can give to people who I feel dont need it nor are thankful for, I would much rather donate what money I can to people who are truly destitute.

:exhausted so frustrated

 

[tigerkhan]

i think maybe u get some help by reading this.....


There are 4 question on day of Qayamat, one of them is HOW U SPENT UR MONEY.......???
So i think all of us muslims bro and Sis must seek knowledge about spenting money, where to spent, how much and how ???? the the source should be AUTHENTIC ULAMMA, not person like me.
life is exam and to get successfull we must have pass this question mentioned above. So we must have this thing question while spending money... i have seen vv.v.v.v.v.less person in my life who have knowledge/hadiyaat how to spend their Money ( i am also one of them who dont have bu i am trying.....) Anyway i blv no1 is perfect...try to learn more and try to be more better.i hope all of us will try.......


better U should seek guidance from some authentic AALIM about this issue.

 

[Sampharo]

Dear anonymous,

I have read your post carefully, and I can appreciate your feelings and emotions, and I can also tell very clearly that your father has installed in you through action rather than words, the ethics and morality of what a good muslim man is. That is a legacy that he can be proud of.

You owe it to him to pray for mercy and his forgiveness of any sins every day, with every prayer. It is one of only three ways a person can continue to earn good deeds after his death, that is a good son to make prayers for him. You can also use some of your money that you inherit to set up an ongoing charitable setting (Sadaqa Jariya), like pay for a part of the foundation of a masjid or buy medical equipment for a charitable hospital. He gets rewards every time someone prays in the masjid or someone gets treated using those equipment.

However, even though your father told you to do as you please with the lawyer with the money, trusting you and your decision, you actually must obey Allah's shariah laws of inheritance, not your desires, be it your father's or yours.

If he has not left a Will, then the money and property HAS to be distributed as per Shariah. That is one-eighth of the total estate to your mother, his widow, before you distribute the money EQUALLY amongst you and your brothers.

If your brothers agree to the idea of taking the property they used to manage, you MUST get them valuated, and then offset from the cash money whatever needs to be offset in order for all of you to get equal amounts.

These are of course generalities, and you need to consult a proper scholar with your precise family members and precise estate details so that he tells you the proper shariah distribution. You will be questioned on the day of judgement if you neglect fulfilling this, no matter what you do otherwise and no matter how fairly you think you did it.

In case your father left a Will, or told you to do something, that is only valid up to a third of the estate by the way.

---

Now as for your relatives. You are not required to give anyone any money, unless they are entitled under Islamic shariah for some inheritance. Be it they were nice or bad to you, their rights need to reach them, and if there are none, then that is it.

After that, you are of course not required to send them any money that they do not need for necessity. The charity is indeed better for relatives than strangers, but that is if they are in need. If they are not then you are surely wasting God's gift, and if you know things like they are gambling or using them in ill-ways, you are OBLIGATED not to give them any money.

If one of the relatives falls into hardship, then you can give money ONLY as much as needed to meet the great necessity (shelter, sustenance, clothing etc.). So if they need rent before being evicted, or money to buy their basic groceries and food needs, then of course you should provide (unless you know they're lying and will use in other useless or evil ways), regardless of your feelings towards them, as you should remember you are doing this for Allah's sake, not for theirs.

But more importantly, hats off to your father. I pray that Allah receives him with forgiveness and mercy and satisfaction, for leading a righteous life, being generous with his kin, and spending enough effort and time with his son that you turned out this loyal and pious, to ask about what is cruel or not regarding those who have hurt you. I hope you will remember not to neglect my suggestion regarding the daily supplication on his behalf and setting a running charity.

Wassalamu Alaikom

 

[Alpha Dude]

If he has not left a Will, then the money and property HAS to be distributed as per Shariah. That is one-eighth of the total estate to your mother, his widow, before you distribute the money EQUALLY amongst you and your brothers.

I was under the impression that the op was a sister - 'My favorite doll was stolen'. The laws of inheritance differ when it comes to women, don't they?

 

[Sampharo]

I was under the impression that the op was a sister - 'My favorite doll was stolen'. The laws of inheritance differ when it comes to women, don't they?

Oh, I didn't make the connection there with her being a sister. I apologize.

Yes indeed under Shariah, the right of the male heir is twice as much as the female. The concept being that men are primarily responsible for their own families and children while females will have the money for themselves alone.

Like I mentioned though, it is still important to sit with a scholar with pen and paper and give details of family members and exact estate value, and to present asset valuation at current prices to enable a fair distribution be made.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I am the OP and I am male. The doll was a doll of a war hero from our country.

 

[AlbanianMuslim]

Dear anonymous,

I have read your post carefully, and I can appreciate your feelings and emotions, and I can also tell very clearly that your father has installed in you through action rather than words, the ethics and morality of what a good muslim man is. That is a legacy that he can be proud of.

You owe it to him to pray for mercy and his forgiveness of any sins every day, with every prayer. It is one of only three ways a person can continue to earn good deeds after his death, that is a good son to make prayers for him. You can also use some of your money that you inherit to set up an ongoing charitable setting (Sadaqa Jariya), like pay for a part of the foundation of a masjid or buy medical equipment for a charitable hospital. He gets rewards every time someone prays in the masjid or someone gets treated using those equipment.

However, even though your father told you to do as you please with the lawyer with the money, trusting you and your decision, you actually must obey Allah's shariah laws of inheritance, not your desires, be it your father's or yours.

If he has not left a Will, then the money and property HAS to be distributed as per Shariah. That is one-eighth of the total estate to your mother, his widow, before you distribute the money EQUALLY amongst you and your brothers.

If your brothers agree to the idea of taking the property they used to manage, you MUST get them valuated, and then offset from the cash money whatever needs to be offset in order for all of you to get equal amounts.

These are of course generalities, and you need to consult a proper scholar with your precise family members and precise estate details so that he tells you the proper shariah distribution. You will be questioned on the day of judgement if you neglect fulfilling this, no matter what you do otherwise and no matter how fairly you think you did it.

In case your father left a Will, or told you to do something, that is only valid up to a third of the estate by the way.

---

Now as for your relatives. You are not required to give anyone any money, unless they are entitled under Islamic shariah for some inheritance. Be it they were nice or bad to you, their rights need to reach them, and if there are none, then that is it.

After that, you are of course not required to send them any money that they do not need for necessity. The charity is indeed better for relatives than strangers, but that is if they are in need. If they are not then you are surely wasting God's gift, and if you know things like they are gambling or using them in ill-ways, you are OBLIGATED not to give them any money.

If one of the relatives falls into hardship, then you can give money ONLY as much as needed to meet the great necessity (shelter, sustenance, clothing etc.). So if they need rent before being evicted, or money to buy their basic groceries and food needs, then of course you should provide (unless you know they're lying and will use in other useless or evil ways), regardless of your feelings towards them, as you should remember you are doing this for Allah's sake, not for theirs.

But more importantly, hats off to your father. I pray that Allah receives him with forgiveness and mercy and satisfaction, for leading a righteous life, being generous with his kin, and spending enough effort and time with his son that you turned out this loyal and pious, to ask about what is cruel or not regarding those who have hurt you. I hope you will remember not to neglect my suggestion regarding the daily supplication on his behalf and setting a running charity.

Wassalamu Alaikom

Awesome repsonse.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Brother Sampharo. I kindly thank you for your words and appreciate them much.
I have also sought the help of scholar from my best friends mums family who is guiding me with this. Thank you.

 

[Alpha Dude]

I am the OP and I am male. The doll was a doll of a war hero from our country.

Ah, ok. I apologise for assuming you were a sister.

 

[Sampharo]

Brother Sampharo. I kindly thank you for your words and appreciate them much.
I have also sought the help of scholar from my best friends mums family who is guiding me with this. Thank you.

Al-Hamdulillah. May God grant you and your family patience in this time, and forgiveness in the afterlife.

:salamext: