at a dead end

[anonymous]

At a dead end.
Please don’t ignore this
im deeply interested in a brother for marriage. My family know that im interested in him and have disagreed, but they don’t know that he is interested in me (if they know that, then they may agree) . the reason why i have not yet told them, is that suspicion would circulate as to how I know that he’s interested in me and also they would suspect that something haram has happened between us, which Alhamdulillah it hasn’t.
So now i don’t know what to do. I want to hold on, but i don’t know if they’ll come around and i don’t think its really fair to have him keep on waiting, since I cant guarantee anything. and even if i did let him go, because no official proposal has been done, that would mean i have to go behind my family’s back and talk to him in private, which I don’t feel comfortable doing neither as a Muslim or otherwise.
i want to talk to someone about my situation to get things rolling, but i don’t know who. No one understands and that’s no exaggeration. everyone who knows, suspects me of doing something haram. that and the fact that people thrive on gossip so they may stretch the truth a little and make a big “hoo haa” over nothing and the only person who knows my whole story, doesn’t understand this stuff well enough to give me sound advice.
As far as i know he wants to speak to my wali and all and i know my family would be impressed with that but then they’d ask how do i know and i would have to say its through a sis which would make the bro look bad as it makes him look like he talks with sisters, etc...so im now at a dead end, im damed if i do, ****ed if i don’t.
Please someone advise. Maybe you guys see something that i don’t. Should i just bring it up with them again and try my best to clear any suspicions that come up.. its so weird ccos so many times i have done the istkhara and so many times it’s been a positive and even without the istikhara, even when my family disagree there is still that positive feeling lingering in my heart, alhamdulillah but i don’t know if they mean anything?
I feel so sick and numb and so annoyed that i would be suspected for no reason So what do i do? imsad

 

[crayon]

Ahh sis I know how you feel.

If someone knows who you really are, and knows your akhlaaq and trusts you, then if you tell them you have done nothing wrong, they should believe you- especially your parents. Perhaps you could explain everything to them, in all detail? How you met, why is interested in marrying you, why you are interested in him, etc. Don't leave anything out. If you haven't done anything wrong, then there's nothing to be worried about. Perhaps if they know how this situation came to be they wouldn't mind it?

I personally think only your parents opinions on this matter, and in general your family (sisters, brothers, etc.). If the rest of the people want to make up gossip and make up a story that makes something right seem like something wrong, that's their problem, and don't take anything that they say into account. You know who you are, you know what is right and what is not, and you alone will be judged by Allah- you don't need their ill formed opinions and beliefs about you and your life.

InshaAllah all goes well, sister.

 

[anonymous]

^unforunatley that isnt always the case. my parents know the type of person i am but they rely on my elder siblings for advice and its them who circulate/thrive on the gossip.

InshaAllah all goes well, sister.

thanks

 

[alcurad]

remember the prophet's example, and how his first wife asked for his hand rather than the opposite. it's completely fine for you to ask, directly or through an intermediary, don't mind the nay sayers.

 

[Ansariyah]

I've had a good friend of mine in this exact situation, he wanted to come ask her hand but she kept saying 'not yet' because she was scared of the questions might asl..'how do u know my daughter' etc..n how did u talk to him'.

Sis just be honest, nothing is better. No one meets their other half fallen from the sky into their arms already married. Wat matters is that u want wats halal...u deserve lots of respect for that.

People meet, talk, bump into each other, meet on buses, trains, schools, hospitals, mosques. There's nothing wrong if u guys have already met.

Just be brave, I know it's hard.

 

[anonymous]

Just a reminder to all, that after praying Istikhara do not commit the sin of talking to a non-mahram alone.

Back to the topic in hand, you know what to do sister. I'm afraid it's clear cut, you either take the bullet and ask your parents (insha'Allah they will understand). Don't let the gossip affect you, because at the end of the day the slander will harm only those who participate in such a deed.

If you and the brother are unable to bring about marriage talks involving the parents, the other solution is to end and forget.

I pray that Allah helps you.

 

[anonymous]

Back to the topic in hand, you know what to do sister. I'm afraid it's clear cut, you either take the bullet and ask your parents (insha'Allah they will understand). Don't let the gossip affect you, because at the end of the day the slander will harm only those who participate in such a deed.

but thats what im scared of the fact that they will be influenced by others' opinions (which is more than likely the case) and my chance with the bro would die and i dont want to take that risk cos if thats what happens, then i doubt i would be believed. as i said ****ed if i do, ****ed if i dont.

 

[brotherubaid]

Well first of all May Allah reward you , MashahAllah your intention is good ,n you are trying to do the right thing n avoid the haram ways, May Allah make a way for you guys.

Next sis first howdo u know the istikhar ahas been positive? dont tell me u had a good dream , Istikhar ais not about dreams n not even about the heart leaning towards a cerain matter n heart n being convinced or satisfied.

What the istikhara does is , The matter either happens or does not happen , Allah either brings u close to the thing u want or takes u away from it n takes the thing away from you just like the duaa of the istikhara goes..

‘O Allaah, I seek Your counsel by Your knowledge and by Your power I seek strength and I ask You from Your immense favour, for verily You are able while I am not and verily You know while I do not and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allaah, if You know this affair -and here he mentions his need- to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life, and end, then decree and facilitate it for me, and bless me with it, and if You know this affair to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then remove it from me and remove me from it , and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with such.’

So the thing either happens or it does not happen, and in either case it is better for the slave coz he consulted Allah n Allah either gives him what he consulted about or makes it difficult.

Now if the brother had a sister it would All work out.

Only if the brother could some how send the proposal it would work out fine InshahAllah , you have to find some one between the two families to get things rolling.
But yes if the brother sends a proposal then InshahAlah it will all work.

It might amke the bro look bad , like how does he know u n if u say through a sis it might make him look bad , but Im sure there is a way , if the bro does not have a sis , may be some of his friendsa re married and their wifes can make something happen. you need to find some one in the middle, see if one of his friends are willing to help , a friends sis or friends wife.

 

[anonymous]

Next sis first howdo u know the istikhar ahas been positive?

cos theres that positieve inclination in my heart that i should preceed.

dont tell me u had a good dream ,

no

Istikhar ais not about dreams n not even about the heart leaning towards a cerain matter n heart n being convinced or satisfied.

as far as i know, it is

Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning the matter of feeling happy about something: if he makes istakhaarah, then whatever Allaah makes him feel happy about and makes easy for him, this is what Allaah has chosen for him. (Majmoo’ al-Fataawaa, 10/539).

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Well sister you can only try. I have really liked someone for a year now but twice my family have rejected him because 'they arent comfortable' even though they acknowledge he is a nice person.
Sometimes i wish he never tried so i wouldnt have to go through the resentment and disapointment, my parents KNOW i want to get married and to him, yet they keep me waiting for 'someone better.' whats the deal with that? And even with so much dua and Istikhara(yeh a lot of times), i held on but they didnt come around and now im feeling, well not at all good.

Sister, if you dont try youll never know, but please dont get attached and dont get your hopes up. If you can get someone to hint at him to come propose or if u know through a masjid or something, then do it and if he is written for you then you will get him inshaAllah.

may Allah make it easy for you

 

[brotherubaid]

Next sis first howdo u know the istikhar ahas been positive?

cos theres that positieve inclination in my heart that i should preceed.

no

as far as i know, it is

Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning the matter of feeling happy about something: if he makes istakhaarah, then whatever Allaah makes him feel happy about and makes easy for him, this is what Allaah has chosen for him. (Majmoo’ al-Fataawaa, 10/539).

Jazak Allah khair sis for the Ibn taymiyah refrence , i honestly did not know that, May Allah reward you.

Please forgive also, the thing is i hate it when people believe that istekhara has something to do with the dreams n they always say the istekhara turned out positive co zthey had a nice dream. N since i am new to the forum i do not know who is who , n i was quick to judge.

So please forgive.

But one thing i did always belive and still do is that with istekhara a certain matter either happens or it does not hapen, Allah either makes it happen or takes it away whioch ever is better for us , just like the duaa goes , but its good to know that if a person feels hapiness or satisfaction than he shoould proceed.

Assalam O Alikum

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Oh my God sister, I was sooo in the same situation as you. I told my mom that i was interested in him (after doing istikhaara -- taht was one of the results of the istikhaara btw) and even said at some point that i felt he was interested in me as well. At that time i didn't ever think that anyone would become suspicious, and even now i don't feel that anyone has become suspicious as my family know me very well. when i repeated that i felt he liked me, my mom asked how and i explained it. anyway, she said that we would have to wait for a proposal, etc as right now there is no way to talk to him (but maybe when my wali comes he might talk to him). anyway, i have hope insha-Allah and I pray lots for things to go alright and insha-Allah that we get married this year. (I would be happy for advice regarding my situation as well, if anyone feels like giving it.)

about your situation, what you can do is have the sister tell the brother to propose & he can say that he found out about you through the sister's family, etc. Is that not possible?

May your, my and everyone's good dreams come true. Amen.
~another anonymous poster