Being held accountable

[ameerkam]

Salaam.

After my parents divorced, they would try and poison me and my brother against each parent and my mother would get angry at me if I missed my dad sometimes (as I didn’t see him very often). I developed depression an borderline personality disorder later on and my parents divorce was a prominent factor in that. When I was 16, my father wouldn’t let me see my mother for a year and I didn’t do anything to change that. I was fairly powerless in the situation and I wasn’t very aware of how haraam it was. As a result my mother now doesn’t trust me at times as she sometimes thinks I’ve stolen her money or if I’ve been recording her conversations and sending them to my father. Is this distrust my fault? Am I to blame for this? Or am I excused because of my near-powerlessness and ignorance of the the situation. Also, my parents weren’t aware of how damaging their actions were as I was growing up, does that mean they aren’t accountable for what they have done?

 

[HisServant]

Salaam.

After my parents divorced, they would try and poison me and my brother against each parent and my mother would get angry at me if I missed my dad sometimes (as I didn’t see him very often). I developed depression an borderline personality disorder later on and my parents divorce was a prominent factor in that. When I was 16, my father wouldn’t let me see my mother for a year and I didn’t do anything to change that. I was fairly powerless in the situation and I wasn’t very aware of how haraam it was. As a result my mother now doesn’t trust me at times as she sometimes thinks I’ve stolen her money or if I’ve been recording her conversations and sending them to my father. Is this distrust my fault? Am I to blame for this? Or am I excused because of my near-powerlessness and ignorance of the the situation. Also, my parents weren’t aware of how damaging their actions were as I was growing up, does that mean they aren’t accountable for what they have done?

:wa:

Seems like you were caught in the middle of the cross-fire! Try to put those memories behind you (because worrying about them isn't beneficial) and aim to reach your true purpose in life by knowing more about Allah, His deen, prophets etc. We are born into situations, people and places not with our choosing but by the wisdom of our creator. If you are still about 16 or close to that age, then aim to complete your studies, get independent and put a respectable distance without completing cutting off ties and disregarding your duties towards your parents. For each one of them, don't take sides, remind them the good virtues of the other and leave their affairs for Allah to deal with. Explain the situation that the other has placed you in without focusing too much in past battles but try to make amends.

You can adopt a position whereby you stay in contact, listen and console them both (as a Muslim would another) but deny them the right to abuse you emotionally by knowing your rights as a child/individual-for your mother tell the truth i.e stealing , recording conversations....and remind not to falsely accuse someone-it's haram. Don't try to solve or fix anything because most of what you think is known between your parents is probably just half of the story. If, your mother is in a situation whereby she needs your support how will that happen if you keep focused on their problems, past situations etc? Moreso, importantly, it's your right as an individual to reach your highest potential and what isn't fixable by a present-day status , lacking in ability, can never be a blame that you should be burdened with. And, if you can't get through to either them, get an Imam involved; may Allah help you with these circumstances. Ameen.

Some of the things you can do additionally; talking to a counselor, taking care of your health, looking into charity work.... Become so busy with a fulfilling life that the devil wouldn't have a chance to attack you with the things that aren't helpful, worries and such. Also, have faith in Allah's assistance, keep thankful for the blessings already given.