Broken Marriage

[Nusaybah_6]

Salam,

This is going to be a long post, so bare with me.

I got married to my husband in March of 2019. It was an arranged marriage. We knew of each other but hadn’t communicated with each other for over a decade. The first month of our marriage was the ‘getting to know you period.’ It was great. The months that followed, we had some misunderstandings. We didn’t see eye to eye. But we still tried. We tried to compromise. During the Fall season, things got worse. We took a ‘break’. When we came together again we vowed things would change but after a week we were back to square one.

It’s been a month, I’m now at my parents house. My husband seems to be moving on and it’s clear he wants to part ways. On the other hand, I’m breaking. My heart aches for him each day. I want my marriage to work. And my heart is telling me not to give up on us. Marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly! As a practicing Muslim woman who guarded herself, I fell in love with my husband. I can’t even fathom the idea of ‘divorce’. I believe circumstances got in our way and our marriage is too early to call it quits.

On the other hand, a part of me says I need to let it go, no matter how much it hurts. He says he no longer has feelings for me. I can’t force him to love me and be with me.

I should add he uses drugs. I strongly believe his use of drugs also clouds his judgement. We haven’t communicated over a month.

My question is; has anyone here faced a situation like this? How did it change? I honestly don’t want to give up on us. Any guidance would be appreciated. Jazakillah

 

[taha_]

Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

May Allah help you with this issue


You should ask scholar or imam about this.

Illegal drugs like cocaine, heroin etc are haram as they are very harmful to one's body

JazakAllah khair

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum,

If he uses drugs then you should've been the one to leave him. You should count your blessings and move on. It's good that you didn't waste years on him or have children. Find someone else who will treat you better and give you want you need. Trust me, when you find that, you wouldn't think twice about what you had. I don't condone divorce at all, and if somehow you can make it work then you should try, but don't remain with a drug user. You will not have a good future. It should be a condition that he changes his ways if you want to return to him.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Nusaybah_6; and welcome tot he forum;

My question is; has anyone here faced a situation like this? How did it change?

I admire your attitude towards marriage; pray that Allah will help you to do his will, and pray for your husband that he will also do the will of Allah, pray that Allah will bless you both. When you put things in Allah's hands; it takes patience, resilience, perseverance and that you never give up hope. Allah created each and every one of us to be a kind and caring person; we have to search for that kindness within ourselves and everyone else we meet. Fight all battles with kindness and compassion; your husband may well be a damaged person if he is now on drugs; but he is not beyond help.

Marriage has to be one of the toughest things we do in life, nothing can really prepare us for our own marriage. We look at our parents and others as role models, but our own marriage will throw things at us that we least expect. The first twenty five years of my marriage were the hardest, then it gets tougher, life is a constant battle of events that can just beat you down, or we learn to weather the storms together; I have only been married for thirty four years of turmoil. To this day, I have very little in common with my wife, we approach things in different ways that have often lead to conflict. Now we are gradually understanding that we need each other, we are stronger because of our differences and we can do things better together because we are different.

It is incredibly hard to change ourselves, I am only 70 and still struggling; we have even less hope of changing other people. We may be able to influence them with kindness over many years; but it is more about how we change ourselves.

My only real advice is never to give up hope in Allah, keep praying for yourself and for your husband; pray that Allah will bless you both in your struggles.

Feel free to ignore this post, because when anyone gives advice, they are not the ones who have to live with the consequences.

May Allah bless you and your husband with the wisdom, kindness and the strength to do do his will.

Eric

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you charisma;

If he uses drugs then you should've been the one to leave him.

This would have been my advice years ago, but I now journey with many people who have drug problems, and I believe there is always hope. I helped a homeless girl who was on drugs a few years ago, and said that I did not want anything for helping her. But in the future if she sorts herself out, then she can repay me by helping someone else. She has now gone through open university and is helping people with drug and mental health issues. There are other stories.

In the spirit of searching for the good in everyone,

Eric

 

[Delphi]

Salam,

This is going to be a long post, so bare with me.

I got married to my husband in March of 2019. It was an arranged marriage. We knew of each other but hadn’t communicated with each other for over a decade. The first month of our marriage was the ‘getting to know you period.’ It was great. The months that followed, we had some misunderstandings. We didn’t see eye to eye. But we still tried. We tried to compromise. During the Fall season, things got worse. We took a ‘break’. When we came together again we vowed things would change but after a week we were back to square one.

It’s been a month, I’m now at my parents house. My husband seems to be moving on and it’s clear he wants to part ways. On the other hand, I’m breaking. My heart aches for him each day. I want my marriage to work. And my heart is telling me not to give up on us. Marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly! As a practicing Muslim woman who guarded herself, I fell in love with my husband. I can’t even fathom the idea of ‘divorce’. I believe circumstances got in our way and our marriage is too early to call it quits.

On the other hand, a part of me says I need to let it go, no matter how much it hurts. He says he no longer has feelings for me. I can’t force him to love me and be with me.

I should add he uses drugs. I strongly believe his use of drugs also clouds his judgement. We haven’t communicated over a month.

My question is; has anyone here faced a situation like this? How did it change? I honestly don’t want to give up on us. Any guidance would be appreciated. Jazakillah

I'd honestly say the same thing as the gentleman who said that illegal drugs are Haram, in a rationalist, western sense. You've worked hard to uphold a cultural, personal, and religious ideal. If your husband doesn't believe in the same thing, and can't uphold the same set of principles, then you shouldn't be with him. This is the problem with prearranged marriages - you don't really know the spirit of the person you are actually dealing with. No doubt he probably chafes under feeling restricted, especially in todays modern world with so many , well we could call it freedom, or temptation, really, it's both.

But honestly, drugs compromise personal reason and confuse a situation where there is already a lack of personal connection and compatibility. I'd get out while I could.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you charisma;

If he uses drugs then you should've been the one to leave him.

What happens if one of your children becomes an addicts, do you abandon them? What happens if the child of your sister or your best friend becomes an addict? Sometimes our conscience challenges us to try and help if we can.

Sadly I come into contact with many people who have been damaged by drugs and mental health problems; they have been abandoned by their families and friends, homelessness; seem to follow. I don't know what the answers are, other than we pray for them and try and do something as a community together.

In the spirit of praying for justice for all people,

Eric

 

[Nusaybah_6]

The crazy thing is that after everything he’s put me through, I’d still be by his side helping him. But that’s only IF he sincerely apologizes for his behavior towards me. I’m playing the waiting game right now. I’m waiting to hear how he wants to proceed. On my end, I’m putting my trust and faith in Allah. InshAllah my Lord will do what’s for my best.

 

[*charisma*]

This is the problem with prearranged marriages - you don't really know the spirit of the person you are actually dealing with. No doubt he probably chafes under feeling restricted, especially in todays modern world with so many , well we could call it freedom, or temptation, really, it's both.

This isn't an issue because it was a prearranged marriage. She may have known he used drugs before marrying him, and still married him. THere's nothing that doesn't allow two people who want to get married to ask these important questions beforehand. People can be dishonest about who they are regardless of how long you've known them before marriage. I know of couples who were dating for years and years, raising children and all just like a married couple, and the moment they get married they get divorced. So essentially, it's got nothing to do with how long you've been together before marriage or even who you are. It's who you become as a unit, and that never will come out until after the marriage actually happens.

 

[keiv]

I understand the concept of not wanting to abandon him as Eric pointed out but, If the drugs are what's affecting the relationship (ie. he's verbally / physically abusive, unpredictable, uses family savings to support his bad habits, etc.), you need to consider your safety and future. It's one thing as a counselor to help somebody whose suffering from an addiction, but trying to live with that person, let alone being married to them, is a different story. You're fortunate to not have any kids in the picture as that gives you guys more options on whether to stay or go.

The point of marriage in Islam isn't simply to fulfill desires or to simply have the title of being married due to peer pressure. The reason why it's half of one's deen is because it's supposed to give both parties a way for them to help each other become better Muslims, bring families together, and build stronger communities. If your partner is actually making things worse and you've tried ways to make it better, than there is nothing wrong with seeking a divorce as a last option.

I'm not a scholar, so take from it what you will.

 

[jameelash]

Consult your problems with your parents.let them decide..usually his parents should take the initiative to take him to ta proper doctor..the faster the better.

 

[Nitro Zeus]

Salam,

This is going to be a long post, so bare with me.

I got married to my husband in March of 2019. It was an arranged marriage. We knew of each other but hadn’t communicated with each other for over a decade. The first month of our marriage was the ‘getting to know you period.’ It was great. The months that followed, we had some misunderstandings. We didn’t see eye to eye. But we still tried. We tried to compromise. During the Fall season, things got worse. We took a ‘break’. When we came together again we vowed things would change but after a week we were back to square one.

It’s been a month, I’m now at my parents house. My husband seems to be moving on and it’s clear he wants to part ways. On the other hand, I’m breaking. My heart aches for him each day. I want my marriage to work. And my heart is telling me not to give up on us. Marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly! As a practicing Muslim woman who guarded herself, I fell in love with my husband. I can’t even fathom the idea of ‘divorce’. I believe circumstances got in our way and our marriage is too early to call it quits.

On the other hand, a part of me says I need to let it go, no matter how much it hurts. He says he no longer has feelings for me. I can’t force him to love me and be with me.

I should add he uses drugs. I strongly believe his use of drugs also clouds his judgement. We haven’t communicated over a month.

My question is; has anyone here faced a situation like this? How did it change? I honestly don’t want to give up on us. Any guidance would be appreciated. Jazakillah

Deleted

 

[jameelash]

Did you let know this problemto your parents?.if he is addict to drugs u should let know your parents so that they can discuss with his parents and find out a solution..now a days treatment are there to cure such people.if nothing works you can opt for divorce..divorce should be last solution.not a quick action.may Allah help you in every way Aameen

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Nitro Zeus;

That is because Allah is sending you a clear message to let him go away,

When Allah places troubled people in our path, does he want us to help them or to abandon them as you suggest?

Sadly people on drugs often have a troubled story. I have spent the last three months trying to be an encouragement to a heroin addict who has been homeless for some time. He had been to university and had had good jobs, he shared a house with his brother. The brother was a troubled soul and committed suicide in their house, the outcome was that he became deeply depressed, lost his job and became homeless. It is easy to say that this heroin addict should be left to his own devices and I should not have anything to do with him, but he is living in my town and I see him sleeping in doorways at night.

I can't imagine that the prophet, pbuh would walk across the road and leave him.

In the spirit of praying for kindness and compassion to all people,

Eric

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Nusaybah_6;

But that’s only IF he sincerely apologizes for his behavior towards me. I’m playing the waiting game right now.

I heard a very sad story from our priest. Two sisters came to see him to arrange the funeral for their mother, after a while the priest noticed the two sisters were not acknowledging each other. He asked them why they weren't speaking to each other, and one of them said, twenty years ago she asked me to get a tin of syrup from the shop and she didn't pay me. The other sister said I did pay you.

The poor mother must have spent the last twenty years of her life watching the animosity between her daughters, all because of the price of a tin of syrup. Problems great and small can drive us apart and keep us apart, I believe it is better to try and repair the damage, someone has to make the first move; no matter whose fault it may have been.

Sadly to say Nusaybah, you have been given much conflicting advice by people here, only you can decide on your future.

May Allah bless you and those you love and care for.
Eric

 

[Nusaybah_6]

Greetings to All,

Thank you, to all of you. I’ve been taking everything you all have said into consideration. His family and my family are all aware of our situation. In the past, I have reached out to him. I did this to work things out. But he doesn’t want to work anything out. It’s been over a month now and I stopped trying to reach out. We are still married but again no contact. Part of me has wanted to reach but I’m tired of being rejected. My feelings for him are the same but I honestly can’t take the pain any longer.

At this point, I’m just praying to my Lord. Aside from this, there’s nothing else I can do. He doesn’t want my help, so how can I help? Only through prayer. I’m asking Allah to do what is best for us and preparing myself for all outcomes.

As for my family, they completely support me. They stand by me. His family would like for the marriage to workout.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Nusaybah_6;

His family and my family are all aware of our situation.

You seem to be doing as much as you can.

In the past, I have reached out to him. I did this to work things out.

You seem to be doing as much as you can.

As for my family, they completely support me. They stand by me. His family would like for the marriage to workout.

To be acknowledged by others suggest you are doing all you can.

At this point, I’m just praying to my Lord. Aside from this, there’s nothing else I can do.

When your own efforts seem to be failing, and the efforts of those around you seem to fail also, there is only Allah, the all seeing, the all knowing the merciful and the healer. We place all our hope in our Lord.

May you be blessed with the perseverance; kindness and compassion to do the will of Allah.

Eric