Broken !

[anonymous]

Thank you brothers and sisters for helping me on this issue. I have a long story to tell and hope my brothers & sisters could enlighten me if there is a hope to escape my current difficult situation.

I have been through a turbulent and traumatic 20 years where i experienced tough emotional , social and psychic problems. i was not lucky to have a supporting family. my parents are not very well educated and the other member of familly were (and still are) not carrying much . I lived within a fragmented family with a long history of tensioned relationship between mother and father , a lack of competence and experience to raise children and also emotionally disturbed mother and a cold ,distant and careless father.


I do admit i was always a shy boy with tendency to stay alone and avoid social interaction. But despite these childhood problems i was doing well in my studies and was coping well with my shiness etc.. I managed to achive very good results in high school studies. But i deployed excessive efforts to reach these results .those were the days of my "glory". because of my apparently "brilliant" scores in high school i was admitted in an Engineering school where only the elite of the country could have access.this was my first real Test as an adult man and in a new community outside my town and faraway from my parents home. When i joined the new students community i discovered i was not as smart as i thought . I found lots of highly smart young students who were much better than me. my self confidence began to gradually shake and i started failing gradually . I also was not much helped by a mediocre physical appearance which increased my low self-esteem. i got very stressed by difficult studies and finally had depression and quit the school.
in this moment i was broken with deep sentiment of failor, shame and low self-esteem. Those were critical moments of my life. i was in need of a wise and carrying person to support me so i can recover quickly and continue the path. Unfortunately i did a new mistake . i left my destiny between the hands of incompetent parents (which i briefly portrayed above) and this had very catastrophic consequences.
I was pushed by my parents to enter the vicious cycle of psychiatric drugs through long 20 years. I was badly abused by unethical, secular and unqualified psychiatric doctors who prescribed me dangerous drugs which aggravated my problems and drown me into a deep sea of traumatizing psychiatric problems. I tried continuing my studies but found it extremely difficult to concentrate and learn. the drugs had very bad side effects and they also triggered many other new mental disturbances. My parents and brothers also put pressure on me in these difficult moments. they threatened me that by quiting school i was ruining my future and it is a matter of life or death to continue the studies. I tried all i can to make it true the studies but as i said it was practically impossible with those dangerous drugs i was taking.
Instead of supporting me all member of family turned against me accusing me of betraying them and causing them problems etc..this was the second big chock in my life. I discovered my family was more of a danger than a shelter to me. but this discovery was very late! i was slaved by dangerous drugs and my parents and family were taking advantage of my weakness to abuse me emotionally.

i was not raised according to Islamic manners. during this period of distress i started turning toward religion. i read Islamic books and listened to hundreds of Islamic lectures. The good benefit of this traumatic experience is that it helped me recover my faith and find again my Iman which i lost during many years. But Again this was the beginning of another clash with my parents and family!
My parents were tradition Muslims (Sufism) in an extremist way. Religion for them was not more than a tool to shape their position in community. their worship and sufi practices were not consistent with true and sincere faith. Again their mediocre education could never afford them to discover the real true Religion as it should be. youth (like me) who were developing these new concepts of Islam were looked to suspiciously as being kind of rebellions to traditional society. a traditional way of life full of corruption, hatred toward Islamic ideas etc..This second clash with my family agravated my disapointment. They didn't want to listen to me. they always remind me i was a looser and a person like me is not qualified to to teach them how to practice Islam. it was apparent they were underestimating my capabilities and making fan of my illness; and that hurt me a lot.
the situation continued like that during long years : tensioned relation with family , rejection by society , incapability to rely on myself b/c of dependence on dangerous mental drugs.

what is the situation today:

1-Delusions :
-the old days of the the so called "glory" as a smart student were no more than illusions!
-Great delusions of a mother and father that once i thought they were my model and shelter in life.
2-unstable emotions:
due to long history with dangerous mental drugs , i still suffer today from overwhelming thoughts of grandiosity. probably due to my failor, my mind find joy in dreams where i imagine myself as a Great hero, a Great leader , scientist ect..I don't know if this is kind of megalomania ?or inflated ego ? those dreams are torturing me. i know they are absurd ideas ,but i can't control myself sinking for hours in dreams and Ideas that are unrealistic and close to feelings of grandiosity etc..

3-Low self-esteem:
I still fight to keep my faith but i'm finding it very hard. i started to feel deep hatred toward all members of my family and whole society. I feel they were partly responsible of all my pains. i also become very lonely and retreated from social life. I live with controversial feelings between aiming to live an Islamic life and my incapability to fulfill the duties of Islamic religion. Islam asks me to be Kind to my parents , but i can't control the hatred i have toward them as i feel they betrayed me.
Islam wants me to pray in mosque and be good to other people ,but i can't as i developed deep social phobia and can't leave the house anymore.

I feel ashamed Of myself.I feel total incapability: I couldn't succeed in my studies. I failed to get a Job like others b/c of my mental problems. If i start thinking about marriage i feel ashamed: Will a woman respect a man like me who can't go outside home? or would my children respect me as a good father?
Don't forget also the real problem of pysical appearance . most women find me unattractive and i hadn't any kind of relationship with any woman (i'm now 40)

sometimes i tell myself that Islam is a religion not made for one like me. i struggled many years to strictly follow the path of Allah : I read quran , pray a lot and make a lot of dhikhr; but my situation is not improving at all. I'm still facing those same old problems & I'm gradually loosing my faith .
I did all i can and now i can't do anything more. i feel so tired and hope deeply i would die .

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

First things first...don't make the mistake of comparing yourself to others.. realize your own abilities and good talents...learn how to appreciate them. One you start comparing yourself to others, you set yourself a standard, which when challenged with anyone else, will make you feel very insecure and hard on yourself...as has happened to you.

I think what you are having trouble with is that you were expecting certain things to happen but when they didn’t happen for you, it left you bitter...i think this is where your troubles are steaming from--> you are looking at things the wrong way.

You have your own talents and your own abilities within your own scope of intellect-don't underestimate them and don’t put them to jeopardy by comparing yourself to others. You could reach so much, but the minute you compare yourself to someone and release you're not "better" then them, then you think of yourself as stupid when that isnt the case....its not a matter that someone is better then you, it is that your perception of yourself has changed, leaving you feeling bitter.


Who says that life was going to be prefect? Who said someone couldn't be smarter then you? why is it a big deal that they are?

Im not trying to be harsh, but im trying to alert you to the fact that if you can change your mindset, then perhaps your outlook may be also different.

Give yourself a chance with marriage. Subhanallah clear your head and do some research about marriage if you need to, but don’t be hopeless and give up that no sister will understand you. If its a genuine problem you have, then im sure any sincere sister could understand that. As long as you try to rectify your condition, then inshallah im sure she will support you.

Why cant you get out of the house? you need to fix this anxiety. this isn't about what a potential could think of you, this is about yourself and what these problems are preventing you from doing...you need to tackle them if this is the affect they have on you.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself with these mental illnesses. Im not saying they aren’t legitimate, but at least try not let them be a barrier for a better chance at life and don’t let them be a barrier that you hide behind and use as an excuse not to do things. I once saw (on tv) a mother with no arms and even she was still able to look after, feed and change and hold her baby. Its not impossible, its just some effort and strong resolve. These excuses you make for yourself this negative thinking, wallahi it is nothing but poison. snap out of it and pull yourself together! take the initiative and try to change yourself. try to accept things the way you are...and i f you even have trouble with this then ask Allah to soften your heart.

Just accept qadr. Turn your affairs to allah. Hold on to the rope and don’t let go of it. Have patience and and make sincere dua to allah for Him to improve your situation and grant you strength in this relentless dunya. that's what it is relentless and its not worth crying over. do you know why? because it will soon come to an end.

forgive me if i come across as offensive, it isnt my intention to have a go at you, but sometimes we need a kick to awaken us.

 

[anonymous]

Salam aliekum Sister Umm Sufain (I'm original poster).

I agree i need to change my mind set but i don't know how to . it is still a mystery for me.
let me explain more things about this issue:
There is something strange and absurde going with me . i think I enjoy avoiding other peoples and probably find joy in loneliness. why ? i have no Idea.
I had a good opportunity to marry a very fine girl and she was loving me despite my situation , however i did all i can to make her upset and push her away from me.
Each time i encounter a person which Loves me (especially in opposite sex) I strangely begin treating him/her rudely for the purpose to push them away .and i turn back to my Lonely Empty world. why i'm stupidly doing this ? i really don't know. probably i feel scared to disappoint those who love and respect me.. so unconsciousness i try killing the relationship in the cradle before it grows and then i would be forced to fulfill my responsibilities toward these social relationships.
It seems i'm a lazy and irresponsible guy. I don't want to fulfill my social responsibilities! one doctor i saw in the past told me that frankly and rudely..and yet i'm incorrigible!
I'm now reflecting deeply why i'm fleeing my responsibilities . my conclusion is that i'm doing this as a revenge from my parents mistakes . my parents didn't teach us to be responsible children . i'm not exaggerating they have made really big mistakes through our family life
My conclusion is i'm making this whole cinema just as an unconscious revenge from a disappointing and tensioned relationship with parents . I was expecting more from them but they disappointed me deeply.
Now i know you will again tell me that i should not say that of my parents. I said i'm loosing my faith and don't care anymore about anything.. if you really know the details of how miserable life we had as a family i think you would change your mind.
Now i know it doesn't help to blame my parents for my failur ; but i can't control this. as long as i'm in this situation i'll always blame them.
I want some hand to pull me out of this misery. yet Nothing ! its too late now ..i had many occasions in past and i let them go..Now i have to pay the price..and I'm paying it beautifully!

 

[happy]

subhanalaah bro don't give up inshaalah nothing is ever too late and remember Allah is the extremely merciful.
The Dua to alleviate Grief, Distress and Anxiety
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=340ymd3JZDU&feature=related

Change Your Life: 10 steps to get what you want by John Bird

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Salam aliekum Sister Umm Sufain (I'm original poster).

I agree i need to change my mind set but i don't know how to . it is still a mystery for me.

i think the way to go about this, is to reflect back on whatever it is in life that you feel is your hardship/test. i say hardships becuase due to the pressure they are accompianed with, in some ways they alert us on what needs changing. write them down. whatever it is you think is your hardship, write it out.
from there, write down the manner in which you react to your hardships. think about it carefully. by you reflecting upon your reaction to your hardships, you will realize what you are doing right and wrong...once you can distinguish what it is you are doing wrong, you can change it and one you realize what you are doing right, you can continue it.

be honest with yourself, but dont be hard on yourself. dont blame others, dont make excuses for yourself...dont be bias, becuase without you realizing it, this will affect your "results"

sometimes its also useful to ask people what we are like, and that can also help us to realize our mistakes and the way they need changing.

let me explain more things about this issue:

There is something strange and absurde going with me . i think I enjoy avoiding other peoples and probably find joy in loneliness. why ? i have no Idea.

I had a good opportunity to marry a very fine girl and she was loving me despite my situation , however i did all i can to make her upset and push her away from me.

Each time i encounter a person which Loves me (especially in opposite sex) I strangely begin treating him/her rudely for the purpose to push them away .and i turn back to my Lonely Empty world. why i'm stupidly doing this ? i really don't know. probably i feel scared to disappoint those who love and respect me.. so unconsciousness i try killing the relationship in the cradle before it grows and then i would be forced to fulfill my responsibilities toward these social relationships.

either that, or you are too scared to be emotionally close to people? perhaps you fear that if they know you you will scare them off and/or they may use you in one way or another?

and as you said, you feel that you will disappoint them. brother, please realize that although you will meet people who will strongly differ with some opinions you have of particular things, for the most part, people aren't how you perceive them. you either have people who are close to you and understand and sympathize with you-thus being good people you can turn to and relax with, or you have people who are horrible and spiteful and thus bad people who aren't really worthy of your time and energy. either way you are not loosing.

another reason why you could be reacting the way you do with other people, is your lack of confidence and ability to socialize. it isn't becuase you dislike towards people or that you have an intention to hurt them, you are probably just one of those people who get scared and anxious if a liking is shown/expressed towards you. this scares you, and so you build a barrier around yourself in the form of bad manners as to scare people off and avoid speaking to them. correct? and this "bad manners," tend to stem form your fear of socializing? you hate it, and will do anything to avoid it-especially those people who seem to like you.

it seems that you are one of those people who is more likely to form a friendship with someone, if it is you initiating the like/inclination. if it is otherwise, ie people showing a like towards you, you feel scared and anxious and probably have moments where you "mentally" breakdown and just go blank and very timid.

socializing is good for you and good for people around you becuase it helps us, as human beings, to understand and sympathize with one another-dont cut it from your life...work around your problem.

these social issues can be easily fixed, but you need to take it step by step. dont try to change all at once, but introduce yourself to social situations as long as you feel it is within your scope of self confidence. once you build that confidence, go at a faster pace.

1. why do you fear to be social with people? is it a self esteem issue where you think of yourself as someone lowly not worthy of their company? whatever the reason, strive to reverse it.

2. take practical steps to get you to feel conformable with socializing...

a) small talk. start your conversations small. take them as they come and dont get ahead of yourself. for example: the situation is that you meet someone new at a function
you: *smile*
them: wa alaykum *smile back*
you: *notice they have a different accent* subhanallah brother where are you from?
them: *mentions where he's from*
you: oh yeah, i traveled there last year, awesome place. i especially liked the hospitality of the locals.

the point is is that you have found common ground with that person, which develops into a level of comfortably with them, and suddenly you will find that they/you invite one another for lunch..

b) "manipulate"/direct the conversation so it is something you are comfortable and familiar with. only talk about things where you know and can be sure where the conversation is going. this is so that you dont feel awkward and anxious if something unexpected comes up. for example you may meet someone who likes photography (if you like that as-well) direct the conversation towards what the best places to take photos is at, the time of day, the type of cmaera to use...use your knowledge too your advantage which it is something you are familiar with and hence will be more confident.

c) befriend people who are more talkative then you. this is because they will be doing most of the talking, and you will mostly do the listening.

d) without eavesdropping, listen to the way people talk and what they talk about. this is so that you can get an idea of how conversations are meant to be. i know it sounds trivial, but a unsocial person forgets these things since they aren't engaging is socializing. you may reach a point where you just dont think certain things should be said and so you choose to remain quite, just simply because you find that kind of talk useless. it may very well ...but all these tend to improve social skills

e) plan your conversation. this sort of is like point d only you aren't directing the conversation towards you, but just generally it gives you a rough idea of how your conversation maybe like so that you dont get awkward and timid.

when you see that you arent "clicking" with someone, dont think that its a failure or that you cant socialize, it just maybe that you aren't on the same wave length as that particular person...once you see that you have something in common with someone, conversation and being social with them, will come very easy, inshallah.

It seems i'm a lazy and irresponsible guy. I don't want to fulfill my social responsibilities! one doctor i saw in the past told me that frankly and rudely..and yet i'm incorrigible!
I'm now reflecting deeply why i'm fleeing my responsibilities . my conclusion is that i'm doing this as a revenge from my parents mistakes . my parents didn't teach us to be responsible children . i'm not exaggerating they have made really big mistakes through our family life
My conclusion is i'm making this whole cinema just as an unconscious revenge from a disappointing and tensioned relationship with parents . I was expecting more from them but they disappointed me deeply.
Now i know you will again tell me that i should not say that of my parents. I said i'm loosing my faith and don't care anymore about anything.. if you really know the details of how miserable life we had as a family i think you would change your mind.
Now i know it doesn't help to blame my parents for my failur ; but i can't control this. as long as i'm in this situation i'll always blame them.
I want some hand to pull me out of this misery. yet Nothing ! its too late now ..i had many occasions in past and i let them go..Now i have to pay the price..and I'm paying it beautifully!

do you know what else it could be? you overally thinking. dont leave yourself alone with your brain for too long


your parents...you are using this as an excuse. perhaps they have wronged you, but what are YOU doing to make things better for yourself. how people treat you and how you react to them, are completely two different things.
realize that when you make excuses for yourself (at the same time avoid the other extreme of being too hard on yourself), the real problems tend to go unnoticed and you dont give yourself a chance to fix them. they get buried under the mask of "its only becuase..." or "he/she is the one who made me do that..." etc etc. try to push these out of the way, so that you give yourself a change to change for real.

give your parents a break. you dont have to agree with what they do, but always in your heart forgive them. with anyone else i probably would have advised you to ignore them, but these are your parents...think of all the times they have sacrificed their days and nights for you.

 

[anonymous]

i think the way to go about this, is to reflect back on whatever it is in life that you feel is your hardship/test. i say hardships becuase due to the pressure they are accompianed with, in some ways they alert us on what needs changing. write them down. whatever it is you think is your hardship, write it out.
from there, write down the manner in which you react to your hardships. think about it carefully. by you reflecting upon your reaction to your hardships, you will realize what you are doing right and wrong...once you can distinguish what it is you are doing wrong, you can change it and one you realize what you are doing right, you can continue it.

be honest with yourself, but dont be hard on yourself. dont blame others, dont make excuses for yourself...dont be bias, becuase without you realizing it, this will affect your "results"

sometimes its also useful to ask people what we are like, and that can also help us to realize our mistakes and the way they need changing.




either that, or you are too scared to be emotionally close to people? perhaps you fear that if they know you you will scare them off and/or they may use you in one way or another?

and as you said, you feel that you will disappoint them. brother, please realize that although you will meet people who will strongly differ with some opinions you have of particular things, for the most part, people aren't how you perceive them. you either have people who are close to you and understand and sympathize with you-thus being good people you can turn to and relax with, or you have people who are horrible and spiteful and thus bad people who aren't really worthy of your time and energy. either way you are not loosing.

another reason why you could be reacting the way you do with other people, is your lack of confidence and ability to socialize. it isn't becuase you dislike towards people or that you have an intention to hurt them, you are probably just one of those people who get scared and anxious if a liking is shown/expressed towards you. this scares you, and so you build a barrier around yourself in the form of bad manners as to scare people off and avoid speaking to them. correct? and this "bad manners," tend to stem form your fear of socializing? you hate it, and will do anything to avoid it-especially those people who seem to like you.

it seems that you are one of those people who is more likely to form a friendship with someone, if it is you initiating the like/inclination. if it is otherwise, ie people showing a like towards you, you feel scared and anxious and probably have moments where you "mentally" breakdown and just go blank and very timid.

socializing is good for you and good for people around you becuase it helps us, as human beings, to understand and sympathize with one another-dont cut it from your life...work around your problem.

these social issues can be easily fixed, but you need to take it step by step. dont try to change all at once, but introduce yourself to social situations as long as you feel it is within your scope of self confidence. once you build that confidence, go at a faster pace.

1. why do you fear to be social with people? is it a self esteem issue where you think of yourself as someone lowly not worthy of their company? whatever the reason, strive to reverse it.

2. take practical steps to get you to feel conformable with socializing...

a) small talk. start your conversations small. take them as they come and dont get ahead of yourself. for example: the situation is that you meet someone new at a function
you: *smile*
them: wa alaykum *smile back*
you: *notice they have a different accent* subhanallah brother where are you from?
them: *mentions where he's from*
you: oh yeah, i traveled there last year, awesome place. i especially liked the hospitality of the locals.

the point is is that you have found common ground with that person, which develops into a level of comfortably with them, and suddenly you will find that they/you invite one another for lunch..

b) "manipulate"/direct the conversation so it is something you are comfortable and familiar with. only talk about things where you know and can be sure where the conversation is going. this is so that you dont feel awkward and anxious if something unexpected comes up. for example you may meet someone who likes photography (if you like that as-well) direct the conversation towards what the best places to take photos is at, the time of day, the type of cmaera to use...use your knowledge too your advantage which it is something you are familiar with and hence will be more confident.

c) befriend people who are more talkative then you. this is because they will be doing most of the talking, and you will mostly do the listening.

d) without eavesdropping, listen to the way people talk and what they talk about. this is so that you can get an idea of how conversations are meant to be. i know it sounds trivial, but a unsocial person forgets these things since they aren't engaging is socializing. you may reach a point where you just dont think certain things should be said and so you choose to remain quite, just simply because you find that kind of talk useless. it may very well ...but all these tend to improve social skills

e) plan your conversation. this sort of is like point d only you aren't directing the conversation towards you, but just generally it gives you a rough idea of how your conversation maybe like so that you dont get awkward and timid.

when you see that you arent "clicking" with someone, dont think that its a failure or that you cant socialize, it just maybe that you aren't on the same wave length as that particular person...once you see that you have something in common with someone, conversation and being social with them, will come very easy, inshallah.


do you know what else it could be? you overally thinking. dont leave yourself alone with your brain for too long


your parents...you are using this as an excuse. perhaps they have wronged you, but what are YOU doing to make things better for yourself. how people treat you and how you react to them, are completely two different things.
realize that when you make excuses for yourself (at the same time avoid the other extreme of being too hard on yourself), the real problems tend to go unnoticed and you dont give yourself a chance to fix them. they get buried under the mask of "its only becuase..." or "he/she is the one who made me do that..." etc etc. try to push these out of the way, so that you give yourself a change to change for real.

give your parents a break. you dont have to agree with what they do, but always in your heart forgive them. with anyone else i probably would have advised you to ignore them, but these are your parents...think of all the times they have sacrificed their days and nights for you.

.(I'm Original Poster).
jazaki Allah khair sister. your advices are very logical . The point is that a person like me is not able to put these trivial theoretical points into practice. Only people who have social anxiety problems knows the horrible pain we go through . I know you sane people try your best to help us and it is difficult to escape this anxiety unless Allah swt comes to give us some more help.
You know sister , I tried yesterday to go outside home in a walk (i didn't go out for a very long time!). i can't tell you how traumatizing was this experience yesterday! my whole body was trembling. people were looking at me weiredely and i kept my eyes down on floor . after that i couldn't sleep at night and when i slept for a while i saw horrible nightmares. I waked up today very depressed and sad. I'm now more scared going outside and my anxiety has worsen.
I don't want to go back to medicines , psychiatrists etc..They couldn't help me for long years and i don't want to retry again things that are likely to fail once more. But i really don't know what is a solution for my case? I'm getting more and more hopeless ...
I also remind you of an important thing: my physical appearance is not attractive . This is an important factor of all this pain i have. I have no control over my physical appearance ; and people always judge me first on this point. unattractive appearance combined with social anxiety and low self esteem are really though Conditions if combined together..They are making me suffer a lot and i couldn't find any solution!
I'm trying to be good Muslim. I don't make haram things .i pray regularly and fulfill my religious duties regularly. yet i feel hatred and rejection from other people. this also makes me sad and brings to me doubt whether Allah is not pleased by my deeds or whether my deeds are not enough or are not accepted by Allah swt etc..
I'm starting to doubt about myself. probably I'm doing something wrong and that's why Allah swt is not coming to help me despite all the duaa , salah and dhikr i do all days...The only things i do in my days is making prayers and dikhr and working on computer ; mainly reading books online and writing software programs (for making a humble living). could this work on computer be the problem ? should i Only concentrate on prayer and quran reading and quit all other activities i do on computer (reading and software writing)?
i'm now quit tired & depressed; and really don't know what i can do.

 

[tango92]

hmm bro your story sounds fairly familiar to me although i was witness to a case not so extreme as yours.

physical appearance:
even if you look beautiful it will not help as much as you think, what you will realise is people are not looking at you any more or less. its hard to imagine right now but people arent as shallow as you think.
but if your dead set, then you can try bodybuilding. you can easily buy a few weights and work on your body that way (pushups, bench press etc), im sorry but it wont get yu a beautiful face. anyhow most men are ugly anyway (but then im a guy so i wouldnt know)

2. when will the help of Allah come?
in my experience the weaker you imaan is the longer it will take. Allah is with those who are patient. dont just mindlessly read quran and pray in the hopes of easing your troubles, you need to pray for something more than this life. recognise that this life will be over in 70 odd yrs and there an eternity after that. only you can make this step, its the most important.

look at the miracles of the quran (eg clear talking about big bang theory) from what ive read your smart enough to understand that no man (let alone an illiterate arab) before the time of einstein or without a cosmic background radiation machine could have any idea about it. unless the quran is from Allah.

now pray with the intention of just pleasing Allah, earning his reward in whatever fashion it comes to you. once you become satisfied with your every circumstance, it will be the day you truly submit to Allah.

"And whosoever is conscious of Allah, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has sent a measure for all things." (Quran: 65/2-3)

im tryin my best to make you understand brother, what youve been given should be enough for you. i was in a somewhat similar situation to you, the day i realised islam was the truth and put all my trust in Allah swt was when he provided for me.

the message of islam is so empowering that once you truly grasp it youll never be short on confidence cause you know whatever happens it doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things. also that Allah swt has your back. any harm you encounter will be beneficial for you on the day of judgement.

i hope i helped, sorry for the long post.

 

[Alpha Dude]

May Allah make things easy for you dear brother, ameen.

Often people are tested severely but we should try to keep sight of the fact that this world is temporary and nothing compared to the hearafter. InshaAllah all our hardships will be rewarded if we maintain patience.

Say Alhamdulilah for everything that Allah has given you, the good and the bad. Try it bro. At times of hardship, forget the pain you're having, just totally ignore it and thank Allah from the bottom of your heart. I know it's extremely difficult to do such a thing, but try it. Be content with everything.

Don't stress too much my brother, take it easy. Place your trust in Allah and let him take care of your life. There is definitely a wisdom behind all that is happening to you.

Our job is to submit to Allah's will. May Allah guide us to be people that can submit to his will no matter how severely we are being tested.

You're not doing anything wrong by making software or reading, so don't stop.

Allah is listening to you, don't doubt it. Have conviction when you ask Allah. Believe that what you ask for is going to be given but at the same time, submit to Allah's will over you and accept that he will only give it to you at the right time. If it is such that what you ask for is not good for you, Allah will withhold it to prevent you from trouble in future. You would in that case be rewarded in the hearafter.

Imagine if you were a handsome guy with all kinds of material happiness in life that you would be nearly as interested in Islam as you are now? Allah gives people hardship to guide them toward him. That is the true goal in life. Without praying and without being obedient to Allah, no amount of money, knowledge, respect etc would help on the day of judgement.

I wouldn't be so hard on your parents brother. Granted, they did behaver irrationally but then in the grand scheme of things, it was Allah that chose those parents for you. It is Allah's way of testing you specifically. Be patient with them and guide them toward practising Islam to the best of your abilities. Be firm when necessary.

May Allah make things easy for you and guide us into being good muslims ameen.

I realise it must be really difficulty for you socially, but don't stress brother. A lot of people are insecure in one way or another. You're not alone. Perhaps go to a mosque and speak to some of the elderly people there. They're usually nice. InshaAllah if you know one good person he can help you build your confidence.

Remember, we are slaves and Allah will test us in whatever way he likes. Our job is to submit to the test he gives us and do the physical acts of worship as commanded.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

.(I'm Original Poster).
jazaki Allah khair sister. your advices are very logical . The point is that a person like me is not able to put these trivial theoretical points into practice. Only people who have social anxiety problems knows the horrible pain we go through . I know you sane people try your best to help us and it is difficult to escape this anxiety unless Allah swt comes to give us some more help.
You know sister , I tried yesterday to go outside home in a walk (i didn't go out for a very long time!). i can't tell you how traumatizing was this experience yesterday! my whole body was trembling. people were looking at me weiredely and i kept my eyes down on floor . after that i couldn't sleep at night and when i slept for a while i saw horrible nightmares. I waked up today very depressed and sad. I'm now more scared going outside and my anxiety has worsen.
I don't want to go back to medicines , psychiatrists etc..They couldn't help me for long years and i don't want to retry again things that are likely to fail once more. But i really don't know what is a solution for my case? I'm getting more and more hopeless ...
I also remind you of an important thing: my physical appearance is not attractive . This is an important factor of all this pain i have. I have no control over my physical appearance ; and people always judge me first on this point. unattractive appearance combined with social anxiety and low self esteem are really though Conditions if combined together..They are making me suffer a lot and i couldn't find any solution!
I'm trying to be good Muslim. I don't make haram things .i pray regularly and fulfill my religious duties regularly. yet i feel hatred and rejection from other people. this also makes me sad and brings to me doubt whether Allah is not pleased by my deeds or whether my deeds are not enough or are not accepted by Allah swt etc..
I'm starting to doubt about myself. probably I'm doing something wrong and that's why Allah swt is not coming to help me despite all the duaa , salah and dhikr i do all days...The only things i do in my days is making prayers and dikhr and working on computer ; mainly reading books online and writing software programs (for making a humble living). could this work on computer be the problem ? should i Only concentrate on prayer and quran reading and quit all other activities i do on computer (reading and software writing)?
i'm now quit tired & depressed; and really don't know what i can do.

step by step. dont look at the finish line until you have crossed it, otherwise it will just cause you to be lazy and give you a false sense of achievement. always belittle your actions, not in the way that it makes you in-confident, but rather to make you work harder and strive...be moderate in this regard. know you good points, but at the same time belittle them so that you can strive harder.

about you not being able to go outside, take it step by step. you sound like you are in an extremely weak position so you need to take on as much as you feel is within your scope, as i said, dont look at the finish line until you have crossed it. dont even think about meeting new people...for someone in this delicate stage, this is climbing a mountain...for now, you just need to cross the road....so dont bite off more than you can chew.

even if you literally take one footstep outside, freak out and and run back inside, do that. get yourself used to things you are scared off (slowly slowly) because it will only be before time that you will get used to them and realize they arent as daunting as they may seem. set your self small goals each day and be practical about them. for example, make your goal on one day to walk to the letter box...do this everyday until you feel used to it and feel confident that you can take on some more...
even if you are too scared, continue to do this...as i said the more you get used to them, you will realize there is nothing to fear.

a little rational thinking needs to be applied in this respect as well. when you fear, you need to reassure yourself that everything will be ok, inshaallah. keep telling yourself that no-one is going to harm you or that you aren't going to fall into a ditch and break your leg. when you fear, take deep breaths, call upon allah and just generally make it a "mind over matter" concept.

even though you are are mostly inside, do constantly look out the windows and outside. being locked between 4 walls is very daunting and affects the psychological state and also you may see something you like outside, hence giving you a reason/motivation to go outside. for example you may spot a tree you feel like sitting under.

your physical appearance. i cant help but feel this is due to your low self-esteem. between you not being able to socialize, perhaps you have pushed people away, thus you are attributing it to your looks whereas in reality its just your in-confidence to socialize?

also, have you considered exploring your non-academic talents such as poetry, art or whatever you are good at and enjoy? sometimes this relaxes the soul as well.

dont give up on allah. dont blame allah, just submit to him....and no continue to go on the computer, you need your dunya as well...its not realistic to abandon it. i guess as a bonus, you could use your knowledge of computers to benefit the ummah...helping people also relaxes the soul.

 

[cat eyes]

just read your posts and you are very like me in many ways.. especially about the pushing people away part.

it might be that you have wrong idea about people altogether because of the fact you don't go out much so you might just think all people are like that. yes there is shallow people in the world who will judge you by your looks. what you need to understand bro is shallow people are everywhere and its something that you will have to accept

there is many people who do not care about looks and care more about a persons religious commitment you know why because they are the intelligent ones. they want a woman/man who is going to raise there kids islamically and be good spouse to them.

beauty is in the eye of beholder. it might seem cheesy to you but its very true. i mean if thats not beauty then what is beauty.. the women and men we see on magazines? peter andre, hes good looking yeah but i dont fancy him but other girls might go crazy over him. you know what i mean bro?

There has to be physical attraction but that does not mean you have to look like brad pitt or angelina jolie.

some people may not care about physical attraction. people have beautiful hearts and it shines through on there speech too and how they behave with people.

also good confidence is also a tool of getting girls also.. many women are put off by low confidence because it comes through on your personality you know.

wish you all the best inshallah in over coming your problems ameen
:wa: