[confuse]

AsSalamu Alaikum

I know lots of you going to judge me here by saying, I am coward, immature, not a good brother and need psychiatrist help. I will try to be as sort as I can.

I am the youngest in family. I currently live with my bro, dad, my sis in law (bhabhi) and 3 yrs old their son, my mom visit us sometimes. Even though I am the youngest, I take care of the house, pay mortgage, pay all bills, fix anything around house, send money to my mom and sis back home. My bro does contribute but not whole lot as he does not earn same as me, I never complain until now. I take care of my mom and dad financially or if need to go places or doc or anything. I have always taken everyone responsibility or anything in the family.

I was in a relationship for last 9yrs with a Christian woman (I know it is haram), but we treated each other like husband and wife. She always took care of me like a wife, cooking, ironing, buying clothes and everything a wife should do. But since last year Ramadan, I promise Allah I will be not be with her as we keep doing zina and we can not get marry, so I stop seeing her and ignore her calls and start being jerk so she can get marry and have her life but as soon as she got married, I was devastated and heart broken, I gave up on all my dreams, I gave up on my self. I wanted to suicide but I held up and had faith in Allah swt that everything will be OK one day, so this year I almost got married with a Muslim girl whom my family chose but a week before it got cancel so I was upset not as much but I was upset.

Then, my sis in law family and my family got in arguments and had a big fight in India. I have been avoiding my sis in law for a long time bec I felt like her family does tawiz (black magic) and things like that for me, so I will never get married bec like I said I take care of most payments in the house, so my sis in law get to enjoy her husband (my bro) money.

Suddenly in the morning on Friday morning, I had a weird dream of my ex fiancé and my sis in law where there was a message that I should treat my sis in law nicely and be friend with her. It was Friday, and the same day I went with her to Masjid as I had to take care of 3yr old nephew.

I told her I had all this feelings for her since the day I saw her 1st time, when we went to see her for my brother. I told her I chose her 1st and convince my mom to marry her to my bro. I told her if they get divorce, I want her to marry and live with me, she clearly state that "i will not go with you or anyone bec I love your bro", so I asked why, she said that "bec you are from the same family". I kind of have to make her say that "if she wasn't my sis in law then she would think of marrying me but still she does not wish to get marry to anyone if they get divorce.

Now, I know this is all wrong so I have been thinking to leave the house to live on my own but my bro doesn't want it bec there will be no one to take care of me. He wants me to get marry then leave the house, he loves me so much, I know he cares for me so much. I cant tell him how I feel about his wife and I want some privacy.

The other day my brother slap her because when she went out, she did not wore a jeans instead she wore a tights and long dress to cover her body. Now, this time the feeling was different, She was crying and pour out all the problems that she has with my bro and my family. I comfort her but did not touch her inappropriately. I listened to all her problems and I kept repeating that if I will accept her if she leave my bro. She said she is confuse because she does not wish to give divorce. This is where I find out that my brother has hit her 4-5 times before in their 5yr marriage. So, I told her this is repeating every one, you should not be with him, you deserve someone better. They stop talking for few days and suddenly they got back together. She loves him so much that she is willing to put up and tolerate everything but honestly my bro does not deserve her.

I bought her another gift within those two days, I actually have fallen in love with her and she knows this. I want to marry her and I do not even think of her sexually, I actually fantasize me and her having a family. I am upset with her because she said lots lots of things about my brother and my family that she can not live with us anymore and now they are back together. I felt like I was just being use, I felt like she only needed someone to listen to her problems because her husband does not listen to her. I am heart broken now and there is nothing I can do except make dua that she will also fall in love with me and marry me.

I know she likes my bro in law (my sis husband), every time we go out they always giving each other that look and smile. So, I confronted her, she decline with a smirk on her face and glitter in her eyes. My bro in law is very mysterious, calm and funny and I know that's the type of guy girls get attracted to.

Now, i dont talk so much to her. I have no one to call my own except my immediate family. I am alone, lonely, miserable, desperate, needy and clingy and yeah I lost most my hair which makes me very unattractive, it makes me look 10yr older than I am. Even kids around the house ask me when am I getting married. I even take care of my sis 3 kids, its like everyone is using for their own purpose.

I have went through a lot in this past years and still keep going. I have been thinking to do suicide but I know it is not right thing to do as my mom will be devastated. I can not get my sis in law out of my head as we live in same house. I just want to talk to her all day long, I want to make her dreams come true. I am around her I forget everything. I have been thinking what if something happen to my bro (yes I am horrible bro), then will she marry me? but I know the answer already.

I feel like such a looser for being rejected all the time. I know i am very good in taking care of people, I am responsible, I am financially supportive, I can be funny and witty if i know the other person Love me. But any girl who wants to marry me bec of my money, bec its easy way to get to Canada not bec who I am, because no girl wants to marry a bald guy.

I am so sad and want to give up on everything, it is almost like someone curse me not to be happy. I been wanting to run away but I know that want solve my loneliness. I know when I get marry, I will give her everything but girl do not like needy, clingy and attention seeker. They want handsome man with flintiness, charming and mysterious. Those girl who wants to marry me, I am not attracted to them so it will be unfair to them.

I really do not know what to do now as I am really falling for my sis in law, I already told her that I have to move out in order for me to stop this but she said "no" bec my bro wont like it. Somehow I feel like she just rejected me bec I am very needy, desperate and so forth but I know if it was someone else then she might have done it (not sure). I do not wish to talk to my bro about moving out or all these as this will really hurt him.

I have been praying to Allah swt to give me strength to forget her or grant me what my heart desire and what is best for me. I have been thinking to go to etaqab so at least I can cry in peace and ask Allah swt guidance.

I just pray this never happen to someone what I am going through, somehow I feel like my sis in law family or someone doing some sort of black magic, evil or tawiz for me bec her family knows I am such a weak and soft heart person who can keep their daughter happy.

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

pl. leave your brother's house and get married as soon as possible . Recite Quran daily , offer daily salat in time and Keep praying to Allah to save u from all kinds of haram relationship .

 

[Umm Abed]

Wa alaikum salam

Your current living arrangement is not good if there is no segregation with your sis-in-law. It only calls for trouble.

Best is to live elsewhere where you can concentrate on yourself and contemplate on life and the way forward. In that way you will be able to make rational decisions.

You will get over the past what happened, dont think in the sense that what if you could have her etc. Look at the broader picture before making any decisions and may you find what is best for you in life.

 

[Alpha Dude]

There is a hadith to the effect: Brother in law is death.

It's good that you avoided zina with the woman you were involved with. But what you are thinking of and tried to do with your sister in law is equally if not a worse sin.

You don't wish to leave the house because you don't want to hurt your brother but I guarantee you that if you were to marry his wife or have an affair with her like you hoped, you would hurt him a million times more.

Also, even if she gave in and married you after getting a divorce from her brother, how do you imagine life would work for you. You, your brother and new wife all living in the same house?! You would end up cutting up relations with your own brother or he would do it to you. Which is another big sin on top of the sin of zina.

Be strong and give up your current desires. They are evil and come only from shaytan. You don't love her but have lust.

 

[Scimitar]

Bro - you need to control yourself .

Have some respect ... arrgh.

Scimi

 

[confuse]

Thanks everyone for your reply, I am looking for a place to live on my own. I do not understand why some people get a such beautiful spouse, I know if I move out my family will blame my sis in law and her family. No one in my family trust and respect her. I know lot of you might not read the entire story but my brother has raised his hand on her at least 4 times. I know she loves him to death (lucky guy). Also, if I move out my bro will not be able to afford or take the burden of the house. Seriously, I really think they just using me to take care of the kids, to fix around the house, to do grocery and all that.

Anyway I know my acts are very evil and I am tired as well. If I do get married to her somehow, I will have to cut of ties with my family and that is what she was saying, which she does not want.

Still do not know why certain guy, who do not do much in life and have no respect and no trust and they end up getting such girls...May be she enjoy rough and broken guys, may be she likes to chase after a guy rather than guy chasing her. You know people do not want what they can but they want what they can not have.

 

[confuse]

The house is actually mine and his, so its joint but I take care of the mortgage, property tax and all other bills. So, its like I have to leave my own home to save his family. I do not wish to kick him out, that will be wrong. And of course, if I leave the house, they will enjoy all the amenities of the house while I will be leaving a stinky basement apartment or something.

 

[Vlad]

Still do not know why certain guy, who do not do much in life and have no respect and no trust and they end up getting such girls...May be she enjoy rough and broken guys.
____________________________________________________________________________________________

Says the guy who slept with a girl for 9 years and left her like she was nothing. Notwithstanding, this is grade A level of trolling.

 

[Muslim Woman]

The house is actually mine and his, so its joint but I take care of the mortgage, property tax and all other bills. So, its like I have to leave my own home to save his family. I do not wish to kick him out, that will be wrong. And of course, if I leave the house, they will enjoy all the amenities of the house while I will be leaving a stinky basement apartment or something.

to save urself from zina and hellfire , it's million times better if u live in the street . U can always help ur brother and his family financially and surely that will be treated as sadaka . But if u fall in love with ur brother's wife with this excuse that he beat her , it won't justify ur unethical behaviour and u will be sinner .


So , just leave the house as soon as possible . If she is not happy in her married life , she can divorce her husband - Islam gave her that freedom and permission . But just because husband is not good , she can't have an affair with his bro.

Fear Allah and take the decision .

 

[confuse]

Thanks Muslim Woman and everyone else..ya I know I am wrong and just looking for excuse to marry her or something. I guess I am just jealous how one person can get such a beautiful heart wife and never appreciate her.. Anyway I will try to stay from her and move away.. I know Islam allows us marry brother wife if they are divorce but I know that is not going to happen.. I just do not understand why she is tolerating such type of behaviour.

 

[Scimitar]

A brother in Islam bro, not your actual blood brother - if it is gonna cause problems for your family.

Allah wants people to live in PEACE - this is why the root of Islam is Salama, peaceful submission to God in all matters pertaining to life, death and all that comes in between - we worship HIM to save our selves and because we LOVE HIM.

We can't justify our desires by using Qur'an and hadeeth bro, no... desire is a nafsi reflex, you know in your heart that your intention is not noble so how can you attempt to corrupt your understanding of that protocol which states one may marry his brothers wife is they are divorced? You simply can't - because it will lead to conflict within the family. Most likely it will split you all apart and no one will be happy - who wants a miserable existence in this life?

As for me - I'm 40 VERY soon and still unmarried... patience is a virtue bro. Take it from me.

Scimi

 

[Muslim Woman]

yes, it's allowed to marry brothers ex wife/widow
but u must not try to break their marriage.

Pray for your brothers happy married life and ask Allah to bless u with a pious wife.



.

Thanks Muslim Woman and everyone else..ya I know I am wrong and just looking for excuse to marry her or something. I guess I am just jealous how one person can get such a beautiful heart wife and never appreciate her.. Anyway I will try to stay from her and move away.. I know Islam allows us marry brother wife if they are divorce but I know that is not going to happen.. I just do not understand why she is tolerating such type of behaviour.

 

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum

Thanks Muslim Woman and everyone else..ya I know I am wrong and just looking for excuse to marry her or something. I guess I am just jealous how one person can get such a beautiful heart wife and never appreciate her.. Anyway I will try to stay from her and move away.. I know Islam allows us marry brother wife if they are divorce but I know that is not going to happen.. I just do not understand why she is tolerating such type of behaviour.

Do you think all (pretty)women want is to be appreciated for their features alone?I don't think even models who show their skin for money will agree on this.Character matters a lot and politeness,care and trust are traits equally liked by both men and women.You think you care for your sister in law and this is why you want to marry her,Right?Have you ever thought how can a woman respect a man who has attempted to rape her in the past,preying on her vulnerability?Say you are really sincere but why didn't you prevent the domestic abuse she is suffering from by talking to your brother.Being a co-owner of the house,payer of the bills and financial supporter of family back home,you holds a strong position over him,Why not used it in the first place?

Bro,After repentance,you need to do few things as early as possible.Move out of this house,Sell it and share the amount in the ratio you both have contributed.A good excuse would be "I am going to start a family"(It is not an excuse but reality as I suggested in next few sentences).Basically,I think you have strong sexual urge and after living together with that christian lady,it leaves you craving for more,one of the dark aspect of adultery.The other thing I noticed is your need to have a settled married life with words used such "She always took care of me like a wife, cooking, ironing, buying clothes and everything a wife should do". You also mentioned you don't want to to marry any girl because in your perception all they want is money.So why not solve all these problems by marrying a divorcee or a widow residing in your locality.With their experience and background,they will be better in managing and/or avoiding conflict and it will also provides a halal way to fulfill your desires.Sincere women(from them) will also try to secure their homes(because they know the value),this reduces the chances of you being looked only as a meal ticket.

I am sure there are others ways to fix things but you need to reach a decision which is the need of the hour.

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, brother Confuse.

I can understand if you have sympathy to a woman who is suffer and you feel you want to help her. But can you help her without thinking that you should 'get' her?. If you can't, then you should learn from me.

I admit that I've ever close with few women who tried to be close with me because they thought I could be a friend who could listen to them. There was similarity between them, they have ever hurt by the men who were close with them. And ..... all of them were beautiful!.

But I could resist the feeling to have one of them. That's because I had the confidence that I have to maintain my honor and dignity. Yeah, they tried to be close with me because they saw me as a 'trustable man' who could listen to them, gave some advice, but did not have a bad intention. Then if I had a feeling to make one of them to become my partner, what's difference between me and a man who 'take a chance' when he meet a vulnerable woman?.

Indeed, one of them later became my late wife (she had passed away). However, that's happened not because I tried to get her, but because she really expected me. And the cause why she expected me was because I looked special in her eyes due to my ability to resist my feeling to get her.

Try to thinking about your honor and dignity. Try to realize, if you have a feeling to get a woman who ask help from you because she is suffer, then what's difference between you and the man who take a chance when he meet vulnerable woman?. You must also realize that she is not a single woman, but a wife, in exactly, your brother's wife!.

Okay, just like other participants here, I suggest you to out from that house, and get another woman to be you wife.

 

[~ Sabr ~]

:salamext:

SubhaanAllaah....

Fear Allaah brother and do not break up their marriage.

Do Taubah and concentrate on improving yourself as a Muslim, concentrate on Islam and Allaah will make everything better.

 

[confuse]

Great Advice from everyone, really Allah may bless all of you. I have told many times to my family that I want to move out and have my own space, as I am age and need some privacy. They kept saying no move out after your marriage. The problem is every time I see my sis in law, I just want to talk to her and hold her bec I understand what she is going through and yes I admit back of my head, I am thinking I wish she was my wife. I told her that I will help her if she needs to move out and get divorce but I do not want to be the reason behind her decision or her divorce. The fact she says I have spoken to her more than her husband (my bro) in last 5 years just shows how much she has in her head. May be I am helping her because I feel much needed closure after my 9yrs relationship. Though I know I love her emotionally more than physically, I can not stop thinking about her but if I move out it will help for sure. I am just going to let it go because if she is for me then Allah will grant her to me without any issues and if not, insaAllah I will have someone better.

Scimitar, you are more hero after knowing you are not married yet, may Allah grant you pious and suitable wife.

Once again everyone, thanks for helping out..may Allah make every one righteous wish come true this Ramadan

 

[Scimitar]

Scimitar, you are more hero after knowing you are not married yet, may Allah grant you pious and suitable wife.

More of a zero to be honest no woman will have me

Seriously akhi, they all want a man with a nice car big house and fat job which pays well - I have none of these. They can all talk a big game you know, "It doesnt matter, Allah will provide" etc, but when push comes to shove - we see the hypocrisy of their statements.

I don't care anymore. It's life smile and keep your head down. Walk on. Allah is watching us all

Scimi

 

[confuse]

More of a zero to be honest no woman will have me

Seriously akhi, they all want a man with a nice car big house and fat job which pays well - I have none of these. They can all talk a big game you know, "It doesnt matter, Allah will provide" etc, but when push comes to shove - we see the hypocrisy of their statements.

I don't care anymore. It's life smile and keep your head down. Walk on. Allah is watching us all

Scimi

AsSalam Scimi, no brother you have it some what wrong..I am very well settle financially Sukar Allah Alhamdulillah, but actually girls want bad boy, all girls talk about they want a NICE guy who pray namaz and look after family and yada yada but in reality when do get a NICE guy that start liking them they run away..because girls find those guys needy, clingy, attention seeker blah blah. Most girls want a guy who is good looking and bad boy who make them run around..girls do not like guys who chase them..do the research..but there are few girls I am sure who will finds and understand us..May Allah help us both.. any girl here who is single and looking for marriage? then post it here..

 

[Scimitar]

Scimi

I may have jumped the proverbial gun here, Sister Naila corrected me and gave me much to think about in a rep comment.

I cannot know what a heart contains, so Allah forgive me for generalizing all women, astagirullah.

And you should also reconcile your outlook to the queens of our species also, as I am.

In sha Allah we will find our REAL companions soon

God bless you bro

Scimi

 

[Aisha]

This thread has run it's course.

Thread closed.