Can a wife refuse the husbands call to bed? If not, isnt it like rape?

[Salahudeen]

I think someone on the forum asked this but can't find the thread now.


Question:

What are the rights of woman after marriage? If the husband calls the wife to bed, can she say no? does the husband need the wife's consent to have Intercourse? If there is no consent, and the wife doesn't want to, and he forces himself over her, isn't that rape?



In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him, thus he spends the night in anger, then the angels curse her until morning. (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim, See: Riyad al-Salihin, No. 281)

Talq ibn Ali (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, then she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area. (Sunan al-Tirmizi & Sunan al-Nasai)

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her. (Sahih Muslim, No. 1436)

The above and other narrations of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) clearly signify the importance of the wife obeying her husband in his request for sexual intimacy. It will be a grave sin, in normal circumstances, for the wife to refuse her husband, and even more, if this leads the husband into the unlawful.

Imam al-Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) states in his commentary on the Hadith of Abu Huraira stated above:

This Hadith indicates that it is unlawful (haram) for the wife to refuse her husband for sexual intimacy without a valid reason. Menstruation will not be considered a valid reason, for the husband has a right to enjoy her from above the garment (on top of cloths). (Sharh Sahih Muslim, P. 1084)

However, this does not in any way mean that the husband may force himself over her for sexual gratification. The Hadith mentions that,

the husband spends the night in anger or being displeased,

which clearly shows that he must restrain himself from forcing himself over her. Had this not been the case, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would have advised the husband to gain his right in a forceful manner.

Similarly, it should be remembered here that, the wife must obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy unless she has a valid reason. She must obey him as long as she does not have to forego her own rights. As such, if the wife is ill, fears physical harm or she is emotionally drained, etc; she will not be obliged to comply with her husbands request for sexual intimacy. Rather, the husband would be required to show her consideration.

Allah Most High says:

On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear (al-Baqarah, 286)

Many times it is observed that the husband demands from his wife to fulfil his sexual needs no matter what state she is in, and uses the above quoted Hadiths to impose himself over her.

If the wife is not in a state to engage in sexual activities and has a genuine and valid reason, and the husband forces her, then he will be sinful. Muslim husbands should realize that their wives are also humans and not some type of machines that can be switched on whenever they desire!

Finally, these matters should be resolved with mutual understanding, regard for one another, love, gentleness and putting ones spouse before ones self.

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) has reported to have said:

None of you can be a true believer until they love for their brother what they love for themselves.

The importance of this is even greater in a marital relationship.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK

 

[CosmicPathos]

jazakAllah.

I think if the wife is in such health condition where she cannot be intimate then the husband must be understanding and not become an animal. for example if she is sick or something.


Wallahu aalim.

 

[Marina-Aisha]

So if ur not in the mood or ur too tired from working and looking after the children u still have obey ur husband?

 

[Salahudeen]

So if ur not in the mood or ur too tired from working and looking after the children u still have obey ur husband?

No sister. It goes on to clarify.

If the wife is not in a state to engage in sexual activities and has a genuine and valid reason, and the husband forces her, then he will be sinful. Muslim husbands should realize that their wives are also humans and not some type of machines that can be switched on whenever they desire!

Similarly, it should be remembered here that, the wife must obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy unless she has a valid reason. She must obey him as long as she does not have to forego her own rights. As such, if the wife is ill, fears physical harm or she is emotionally drained, etc; she will not be obliged to comply with her husbands request for sexual intimacy. Rather, the husband would be required to show her consideration.

 

[Marina-Aisha]

Yea I didnt think not being in the mood was valid

 

[Salahudeen]

Yea I didnt think not being in the mood was valid

I think not being in the mood would come under "fears physical harm" but I could be wrong, I'm not 100% sure.

 

[Perseveranze]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

People should take something into consideration. Adultery (cheating on your spouse) is punishable by execution. So you can understand why Islam requires BOTH spouse to be sexually active if the either one requires it.

Ofcourse you cannot rape, this is very clear. However, people need to understand why the emphasis on Sexual relations is there. A man and a woman need to lower their gaze, it doesn't help if either one was in constant avoidance.

The "mistresses" that people in the west (and Allah knows in the east, where there is no Shariah) have in quite shocking.

According to Annette Lawson, author of "Adultery," published in 1989 by Basic Books.
"The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty."

According to Maggie Scarf, author of "Intimate Partners," first published in 1987 by Random House, re-issued in 1996 by Ballentine.
"Most experts do consider the 'educated guess' that at the present time some 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by the age of 40 to be a relatively sound and reasonable one."

According to Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth," first published in 1989 by Newmarket Press (third edition published 2003).
Conservative infedelity statistics estimate that "60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."

Note that the above adultery statistics of the prevalence of affairs were made more than a decade ago; so based on changes in society during the intervening years, the current percentage of the population who have had affairs is probably somewhat HIGHER. For instance, the continuing increase of women in the workplace and the increase of women having affairs on the Internet means that the numbers for women having affairs is probably similar to those for men—about 60%.
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