cant believe its happening

[AnonymousPoster]

Just wanted some help don’t really know who else to talk to cause my friends are brilliant but they are not practising.
Basically before I got married I was suppose to get married to this other person who was very similar to me and always thought if I was to get married I would end up with him but there was only one problem the person was different culture. But life took a opposite turn and due to family commitment I had to get married to some one my family chose abroad. But it turned out we are very different in every way we don’t understand each other and constantly have conflicts with the littlest things and I cant believe I have to spend rest of my life with this person and start a family.

However the reason im writing is im being worried because every time we argue or have conflict I always get the feeling the why am I being put through this I didn’t want this I know my parents wanted best for me but the only person who benefited out of this marriage is every body else but me. I just see my marriage was all based on land property and about coming to uk.

My main concern is that cause im not happy and always feeling depressed and finding it difficult to deal with my situation I always look back and think why why why did I give up everything I had. I know I shouldn’t and I say astagfhirullah when this thought comes into my mind but sometimes even though I tried to block it out I constantly remember the person I wanted to marry and sometimes wonder how my life would have been like. Im not in contact with this person or meet them neither do I intend to but certain things remind me of them. I just constantly blame my self I had the chance to be happy and I throwed it away. I cant stop blaming myself I know its wrong to and believe me I don’t want to feel like that I have been praying and making lots of duas some days im ok and somedays I just get down.

I know we should let go off the past and move on and accept what Allah has decreed for us but what confuses me is that where it says what ever happens in our furure is written for us and but the actions we decide to take becomes our destiny so in the end we are some how responsible for the way our life turns out.

How do fight those thoughts is it a big sin for those thoughts to enter my mind please please any advice.

 

[Mikayeel]

Thread approved

 

[true_muslimmah]

Just wanted some help don’t really know who else to talk to cause my friends are brilliant but they are not practising.
Basically before I got married I was suppose to get married to this other person who was very similar to me and always thought if I was to get married I would end up with him but there was only one problem the person was different culture. But life took a opposite turn and due to family commitment I had to get married to some one my family chose abroad. But it turned out we are very different in every way we don’t understand each other and constantly have conflicts with the littlest things and I cant believe I have to spend rest of my life with this person and start a family.

However the reason im writing is im being worried because every time we argue or have conflict I always get the feeling the why am I being put through this I didn’t want this I know my parents wanted best for me but the only person who benefited out of this marriage is every body else but me. I just see my marriage was all based on land property and about coming to uk.

My main concern is that cause im not happy and always feeling depressed and finding it difficult to deal with my situation I always look back and think why why why did I give up everything I had. I know I shouldn’t and I say astagfhirullah when this thought comes into my mind but sometimes even though I tried to block it out I constantly remember the person I wanted to marry and sometimes wonder how my life would have been like. Im not in contact with this person or meet them neither do I intend to but certain things remind me of them. I just constantly blame my self I had the chance to be happy and I throwed it away. I cant stop blaming myself I know its wrong to and believe me I don’t want to feel like that I have been praying and making lots of duas some days im ok and somedays I just get down.

I know we should let go off the past and move on and accept what Allah has decreed for us but what confuses me is that where it says what ever happens in our furure is written for us and but the actions we decide to take becomes our destiny so in the end we are some how responsible for the way our life turns out.

How do fight those thoughts is it a big sin for those thoughts to enter my mind please please any advice.

Salaam sis, you can always talk here but bear in mind what we say is our own opinion unless we bring some daleel to back our points.

Anyways, reading your post, i understand what you are going through, only diffrence is i am not married and will be soon insha'Allah.

Just like you mentioned that you were supposed to marry someone else, even i was going through that and yeah, it came down to different cultures. Jut like all them thoughts you havementioned like you imagine what life would be like with that person if u married him, even i still think like that even though i am not with this person anymore, and Astagfirullah, it was a haraam and repented, but i mean, i cant get him out of my system but sis never give up because i am fighting this. Do plenty of du'aa sis.

Oh my days, you sacrificed your future for the sake of your parents. and hay i am not being selfish or anything but if you are from a paki background then i soo know what you're talking about, its all about maintaining your parents izzat, then comes in emotional blackmail, and on top of that they will try and bring you down and make you feel soo guilty that you give in and that is what you did sis.

Sis, i went throught that as well. Get married to my mum's nephew or anyone on my mums sides abroad but i rejected them.

I still get these thoughts in my head and sis im sure it is no sin for thinking like this. It is Shaytaam at his best. Best way to fight is constant Dhikr, remeber Allah and He will remeber you. Remeber Allah is never unjust.

I hope this has helped you sis, if not then insha'allah someone else can give you the advice u wanted.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

salam sis

Sorry that u feel so sad. I think the truth is that people will clash at some point. I think it would be weird if u never argued. Its normal to fight. Wats important is that u find ways to resolve ur issues after the fight, like as soon as possible (make up). Dont leave it at a fight, cause if u keep it in, u wont forget it and it'll keep building up n u'll explode on the next fight. If u are young, u'll clash more. So im assuming that ur both young? It's normal dont freak out.

You are married now, u have obviously given ur consent. Try to make ur marriage work. Nowadays u have people cheating on each other, doing sme crazy stuff. You are only arguing? lol so thats not so bad sis.

Try to find ways to avoid this constant fighting, maybe tell ur hubby that it hurts u? Or like dont argue with him anymore. When he starts to fight, tell him "Please lets not fight".

You never kno wat it cudve been with that other person from ur past, maybe it wudve been worse. Oh and sometimes its best to be married to someone different from us? being too alike isnt good. You'll get bored, if the other person constantly keeps nodding yesss to everything u got to say.:

One day u wud say, gosh we are too alike. lol

Try to make it work sis. n again arguing is completely normal. Try to do fun things wit each other like, have a running competition see who wins. Or some good ole board game. Those lil fun things can bring people together n u'll get to know each other better etc.

may Allah bless ur marriage ameen.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Thank you all for your comments u been really helpful I know we shouldn’t think about the past what’s happened its happened but its so hard to find something common with the person I guess I’m still angry for the way things that happened. I just feel like I’m the man of the house I have to still work and provide for my family as well was theirs. I thought when I get married my life would change I wouldn’t have the same responsibilities I thought once I get married my husband would do all that. Sorry if it sounds like im being unreasonable. We have different objectives in life im very ambitious and career orientated I have always been and he just doesn’t realise how important that is to me according to them doesn’t understand why uk woman so into their career he sometimes makes little jokes like why cant woman just stay home and do the house work or gardening or something and it just really frustrates me that I worked so hard for all this and the person doesn’t even see the importance or appreciate it. I know I shouldn’t blame my parents cause I know im not perfect and I have many faults but sometimes I just get thoughts in my head that why couldn’t my parents look for some one on the same level or some one who can take care of me instead of me taking care of them why couldn’t they see that marriage cant be just based on getting some one to uk end of the day I would have to spend rest of my life with them and build a family.

 

[Sahabiyaat]

you just cant turn back time.

sis,before you got married, im sure you knew what marrying someone from abroad entailed! namely that they would be entering a new country and wouldnt know anything, that you would have to work for them and support them until they knew how to shake and nod their head in response to questions they vaguely understood in english, ...im not being sarcastic....*sigh*

anyway!, you have to baby-sit them for atleast 10 yrs, before they can begin to fully support you in any way. why do people get 2 ppl from entierly different worlds and dump them together in a house and expect them to live together until they die, whether they get on or not, or whether they are in the least bit compatiable or not.Parents just look at pleasing family members, and then drop down dead, leaving behind a mess that will effect generations to come, thats to but it very bluntly.

and you need to stop apologising sis, you keep saying sorry for your feelings, but u cant help your feelings! no one in your situation would be able to help it either.

and stop thinking about this other guy and 'what it would have been like'. Like i said you cant turn back time.

you need to focus on the present situation and what you want, not what you must sacrifice and then regret years later and then divorce him, ruining your life, his and any children you may have by then.

Its time to take action now! not years later after youve sat chewing on your nails and worrying how to keep everyone happy, except yourself.

1) Make sure you DO NOT get pregnant!...this is serious, please do not bring childern into this world when you cant even stand the person who is their father.If this happens, youve made things a 100 times worser for yourself.

2) evaluate your situation by listing the pros and cons of carrying on with this marriage. Im not saying get divorced...if you want to have a dig at this, by all means, do so, and i pray Allah makes your efforts successful, But if you seriously feel, that these petty arguments will be all that you will be getting from this mis matched marriage, then you need to take drastic action...which is to end your relationship...i know its much much easier sed than done...but if your not happy...and dont think u ever will be, there really isnt any point.

3) take counsel of friends and family, let them know what ur thinking, if you just going to smile and nod your head, juts like you may have done at your nikkah!, they arte obvioulsy going to think everythings hunky dory!

i pray Allah eases your pain.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

The thing is either way I look at it there is no out I just have to get on with it. If I do anything drastic I know my family will be very hurt and it will bring shame to the family. Also To be honest I don’t think im strong enough to fight it I mean people will judge and point fingers I don’t know if I can handle that. Obviously people never realise what effects it has on a person but all they know is how to blame. Also I wouldn’t want to do anything to angry Allah swt cause I know Allah doesn’t like for a relationship to end. Also im too scared what the other side will hold for me cause I know man are very proud and I just don’t know if I will ever find a good guy. I just hope sooner or later the feeling of emptiness goes away. it I just feels like ive lost the battle in life I feel like a failure my world just fallen apart. I feel like ive lost everything in life everything I ever had everything I worked towards it all means nothing im just living a life without a meaning. I know I shouldn’t complain and things could have been worse and Allah swt has blessed me in so many ways but I just cant help feeling depressed I just cant find hopes in anything its like all my dreams everything has been taken away from me and I just feel lost and alone fighting this empty feeling that no matter how positive I be or what I try to do to take my mind of things it just doesn’t go away.

All I can do is pray but I just feel really negative even when I pray I cant stop blaming myself I always over analyse things sometimes I just think what if im being punished for my sins. What if I have done something wrong and that’s why I deserve to live like this.

 

[Ushae]

Ok

1. You made a huuuuge mistake placing your hopes and dreams in one person. You can never plan too far ahead. I've never been against the idea of marrying someone you understand and have compatible interests to, but culture and ideology are always clashing virtues with Islam and the modern day values.

2. I believe in the arranged marriage system AND the modern 'marry who you like' system. But I have to say after seeing the figures for divorce rates for couples in the west as opposed to couples in the east...I'm shocked. Almost 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce in the UK alone. The east on the other hand is seeing rapidly increasing divorce rates although no where near as frequent as the west. What does this mean ?

Islamic Values beat Western values anyday. Remember that. You are a muslim before anything else.

3. You are idealising your husband. Appreciate him for what he is, not what he isn't. You may like him more than you realise ?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I knew I wasnt going to marry the person i wanted I have never rulled out the idea of arrange marriage thats not the main issue... I always told my parents i didnt want to marry abroad cause i knew things would be difficult but im willing to marry whom they want as long as they on same level . But at the end things just one way or another turned out that way. The only reason i look back is the way i feel in this relationship its difficult to build relationship without basis of understanding and on the base that two people have two different objectives in life. i know I have to some how build on it believ me feeling like this is not nice and i wouldnt wish it on it on my worst enemy. thats why i just pray and pray that some day i find little bit of peace and ease in my heart.

 

[Sahabiyaat]

Ameen, Honey.I really am sorry for your situation, your in my Dua's.

 

[Zahida]

Please, please,please!!!!!!!!!!! Girls i have read your posts and feel that i have to say pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeee...... DO NOT get married because you are doing it for your parents. I admire that you love and honour your parents but this is wrong, because you are just creating heartache for yourselves and your families afterwards, when your heart is not fully in something to start off with it is very unlikely that you will accept it and you will end up resenting your situations.

The excuse i did it for my parents is years old now and times have changed as i am sure that you can all sit and talk reasonably with your parents and teach them about Quran and Shar'iah and what Islam says about marraige. It is not about your mums nephew or your dads........... It is about you, and only you.

Please girls i implore you speak up otherwise we will all be facing problems which then lead to the family honour, izzat and behsti blah, blah blah.

Why not just speak out honestly in the first instance and save ourselves the heartache afterwards????????

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I knew I wasnt going to marry the person i wanted I have never rulled out the idea of arrange marriage thats not the main issue... I always told my parents i didnt want to marry abroad cause i knew things would be difficult but im willing to marry whom they want as long as they on same level . But at the end things just one way or another turned out that way. The only reason i look back is the way i feel in this relationship its difficult to build relationship without basis of understanding and on the base that two people have two different objectives in life. i know I have to some how build on it believ me feeling like this is not nice and i wouldnt wish it on it on my worst enemy. thats why i just pray and pray that some day i find little bit of peace and ease in my heart.

I respect your opinions but sometimes it’s harder than its said when you’re in a foreign country and rounded with strangers its very hard to think straight specially when your own parents are against you believe me nothing hurts more to see ur parents and all families being against you and seeing them cry to u constantly and telling you that u not gonna be happy by making all this people cry now what can you really say to that its not like if you were in uk you can go to some one for help or advice who are you suppose to turn to when ur in a foreign land where no body wants to understand you or wants to know your opinion. People make you feel like you’re the bad one. When all the older people telling you something which they feel is right as they are ur olders you think they are right

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Please, please,please!!!!!!!!!!! Girls i have read your posts and feel that i have to say pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeee...... DO NOT get married because you are doing it for your parents. I admire that you love and honour your parents but this is wrong, because you are just creating heartache for yourselves and your families afterwards, when your heart is not fully in something to start off with it is very unlikely that you will accept it and you will end up resenting your situations.

The excuse i did it for my parents is years old now and times have changed as i am sure that you can all sit and talk reasonably with your parents and teach them about Quran and Shar'iah and what Islam says about marraige. It is not about your mums nephew or your dads........... It is about you, and only you.

Please girls i implore you speak up otherwise we will all be facing problems which then lead to the family honour, izzat and behsti blah, blah blah.

Why not just speak out honestly in the first instance and save ourselves the heartache afterwards????????

quoted the wrong quote lol

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Please, please,please!!!!!!!!!!! Girls i have read your posts and feel that i have to say pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeee...... DO NOT get married because you are doing it for your parents. I admire that you love and honour your parents but this is wrong, because you are just creating heartache for yourselves and your families afterwards, when your heart is not fully in something to start off with it is very unlikely that you will accept it and you will end up resenting your situations.

The excuse i did it for my parents is years old now and times have changed as i am sure that you can all sit and talk reasonably with your parents and teach them about Quran and Shar'iah and what Islam says about marraige. It is not about your mums nephew or your dads........... It is about you, and only you.

Please girls i implore you speak up otherwise we will all be facing problems which then lead to the family honour, izzat and behsti blah, blah blah.

Why not just speak out honestly in the first instance and save ourselves the heartache afterwards????????

I respect your opinions sister but sometimes it’s harder than its said when you’re in a foreign country and rounded with strangers its very hard to think straight specially when your own parents are against you believe me nothing hurts more to see ur parents and all families being against you and seeing them cry to u constantly and telling you that u not gonna be happy by making all this people cry now what can you really say to that its not like if you were in uk you can go to some one for help or advice who are you suppose to turn to when ur in a foreign land where no body wants to understand you or wants to know your opinion. People make you feel like you’re the bad one. When all the older people telling you something which they feel is right as they are ur olders you think they are right

 

[Zahida]

Hey i been there too. I went with my parents to Pakistan and obviously my marraige was being planned........... My dad wanted his nephew, my mum wanted hers family fueds, tears arguements. I am ashamed to say that this continued for four months.

Yes you are in an alien situation because you are born here and Pakistan the culture, way of life and all is soooooooo different. Have you any brothers/sisters older than you that can help you???

I may be old but have had the same experience and see it all the time It makes me sad. I have a fourteen year ld daughter and i would not jeopadise her happiness for mine.

Please little one talk talk talk and more talk with your parents/family. They have had their happiness/ sadness life in which ever shape or form you still hav e to live yours your partner should be of your choice and not one you feel obliged to marry because of blackmail, tears family whatever.

I am not saying disrespect your parents but this is one thing which could also change your relationship with your parents if afterwards things go bad.... Plese don't be offended. Take care

 

[Malaikah]

Also I wouldn’t want to do anything to angry Allah swt cause I know Allah doesn’t like for a relationship to end.

Divorce is NOT a sin sister! Allah doesn't get angry at people just because they divorce.

I'm not saying you should divorce, but don't rule out that option just because you think there might be something wrong it; there isn't.

 

[maryam87]

Please, please,please!!!!!!!!!!! Girls i have read your posts and feel that i have to say pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeee...... DO NOT get married because you are doing it for your parents. I admire that you love and honour your parents but this is wrong, because you are just creating heartache for yourselves and your families afterwards, when your heart is not fully in something to start off with it is very unlikely that you will accept it and you will end up resenting your situations.

The excuse i did it for my parents is years old now and times have changed as i am sure that you can all sit and talk reasonably with your parents and teach them about Quran and Shar'iah and what Islam says about marraige. It is not about your mums nephew or your dads........... It is about you, and only you.

Please girls i implore you speak up otherwise we will all be facing problems which then lead to the family honour, izzat and behsti blah, blah blah.

Why not just speak out honestly in the first instance and save ourselves the heartache afterwards????????

Thanks for the advice
My family were like that once upon a time, then one specific relationship in the family that was planned that way went very very wrong so i guess my parents have learnt from my uncles mistake
he ruined his sons life, put it this way he got a son from the relationship and he has never seen him if he goes to him the girl goes and calls the police, she made him have a criminal record by telling em he hits her and stuff even though its all a lie

 

[cute123]

Sis I would just say things happen as they are bound to happen and they are the best , you name the reason as family, force, luck , your willingness etc . but what has to happen happens. just accept it and go along if u cant take it happily well and good, else be moderate thats the border line.but acceptance is a must. dont leave rooms for that "if" its a shaitan's door , as time goes , Inshallah you will soon find reasons as to why it happened beleive me you will be happy with what happened and will be thankful to what happened

 

[Anette]

You are in a very difficult situation. But belive me it is very risky to idealise something that could have been. And also to live in a feeling of being a victim of the circumstances. At one time you made a decision that was of crucial importance to future developments. You can not go back in time and you can not spending your days thinking about what might have been.

You can decide whether you want to try to live a life according to what your family expects from you and try to be content otherwise you have to do something about the situation with the help from your family. But not something inbetween, it is not fair, not to you and not to your husband.

I wish you the best!

 

[AnonymousPoster]

You are in a very difficult situation. But belive me it is very risky to idealise something that could have been. And also to live in a feeling of being a victim of the circumstances. At one time you made a decision that was of crucial importance to future developments. You can not go back in time and you can not spending your days thinking about what might have been.

You can decide whether you want to try to live a life according to what your family expects from you and try to be content otherwise you have to do something about the situation with the help from your family. But not something inbetween, it is not fair, not to you and not to your husband.

I wish you the best!

I know but its very hard to decided what you want to do when faced with pressures all around all my life I believed that marriage was for life for better or worse you stick it out. My family are aware of the situation and the person im married to have some ideas about the way I been feeling. My parents know how this has affected me and often they see me in tears. All they can say to me is why I can’t stick it out why am I feeling like this look at how other people living their married life you don’t see them crying every minute. Believe me I am trying to keep positive and see the goodness in the situation I mean it made me realise a lot about life im not the naïve girl I used to be I feel more close to Allah as only escape I see in all this is when I pray. I don’t even see my friends or speak to them cause I don’t want to let them in.

But My parents always get other older member of the family to talk to me and advise me. But soon as I speak to them they make me feel worse they put all my confidence down saying things like his my husband so he has right over me I should be more close to him its happened now its my duty to accept it or else Allah may punish me if he were to complain to Allah than Allah might curse me and if Allah curses me anything could happen to me like I could end up really unhappy and unable to take care of my self or fall really ill. I know they trying to help but hearing those things scare me more I mean its not like I want to feel unhappy or I want to end up alone but no body understand how I feel and know body wants to understand. It makes me feel like if Allah is going to be against me as well than whats the point of anything. What am I suppose to work towards I just don’t know what to feel and I just cant hate myself more than I already do at the moment but I just feel helpless in every turn. I honestly don’t know who I am anymore I question everything I do its like everything I do is never good enough. I just feel like im the bad one an all im doing is hurting veryone around me.

My parents tell me to do one thing my belief tells me to do another thing im constantly fighting against my own intuition one minute I have this strength in me to fight the situation and next minute I fall again I just cant see it ever getting solved it just feels like I fallen into a very deep hole and no matter how much I climb back I eventually fall again.

Sorry every body if this sounds really depressing and sorry if I have said too much