Changing my life.

[AnonymousPoster]

Dear brothers and sisters,

I try and try to change my life. In my heart, I know I could try harder. I know that if I must obey my Lord, then I must be grateful and use everything he has given me to Please and Submit to Him, for He is Allah (swt), Praise be to Him, to him do we bow. He has given me so much! I am ungrateful. I feel insincere in my intentions. I feel nervous when accepting compliments that I have done a good deed so I may get praise rather than to please Him. so it seems that I can never do a good thing without feeling unsure.
But my faith is weak, I try to build it up one day, but I fall down the next day.

I've thought of all the community service I've done and none of it feels like it has been done for God. I partially blame the education system here and my parents who want me to be ambitious in worldly things than in the way of God. I was typing up college essays and I just feel horrible because it seems my whole high school years were used to please college admissions rather than God. I want to get into a good university. I feel like a fake writing up all those hours I spent helping people. a fraud. What do the disbelievers of the university system understand of this? I won't get into a good school because I feel fraud like and idea behind college essays is to "sell yourself like a product to enhance the university." I just want a good education.


My parents well they are not much of a help. They seem pessimistic about my trying to be religious. Originally I was rude to them for being so irreligious and westernized. but I have stopped my judging. but they haven't. It's true that some days I trip up and lose focus. and the next day when I try all over again, my parents just don't believe it, and say bitter things like "why did you do those haram things yesterday and why were acting 'unislamically' ". They just kick me down (not realizing it somewhat).

When I started fasting, I told my mom and she replied, "well if you can fast, why were complaining/being so bratty when I had forgotten to give you lunch money that yesterday."

It's like I'm sorry! I know I make mistakes I am ashamed! but I'm trying! can't you see, mom!!!

She doesn't believe in me because she thinks Islam is just another goal I go half way with, but it's like I purposely try to go halfway! It's just that I'm human and I make mistakes! The transition to a new life doesn't just happen perfectly and steadily!

To them, a person is a hypocrite if they walk around with a hijab but do a few haram things. but they don't realize that practicing people don't label themselves as the perfectly Pious and Better-than-you! Not everyone who practices has that "I'm religious and a better Muslim than you" attitude! We're all just trying!


They don't care about my new religious aspirations. It's just half cooked plan. Somedays I'll go against their secular advice and other days I'll give in. But they don't understand that I'm trying so hard, even if i fail sometimes. They put any faith in me unless I ended up magically turning out perfectly pious with my Islam down to perfection over night. Which doesn't happen! :laugh:

I don't know how to balance what my parents want for me and what I want for myself in this dunya and the Hereafter

 

[Mikayeel]

Thread approved

 

[جوري]

Try to divorce yourself from everything right now and focus on Ramadan..
Through reflection and prayer (especially the last ten days things will be clear for you)

I also suggest you keep a diary/day planner of what you want accomplished and what you have accomplished. I find it a really great way to focus on both positive and negative..

you can start with what you have done today sept 6 write all positive and negative

4:30 Am woke u[ for sihoor, had dates, honey in my tea, toast with jam and some cheese , brushed my teeth, made two prayers before fajr, then fajr, took a quick shower, put some perfume and closed my eyes while listening to sheikh luhidan recite surat Ar'Rahman on my Ipod

woke up, at 8 or 9, smiled to my parents, washed up and say you went to school or work..
write the positive things you have done at work or school -- the things that upset you and your plan to improve them..

write all the prayers you have made,
drove home or took a transportation home, the sky looked solemn and peaceful..
came home, washed up, rested before iftar, did some light home work or whatever is due of you.. broke fast.. prayed maghrib, had some coffee, chatted,
then prepared to head to mosque and make tarwee7 or whether you have done it at home write it down..

if you keep at it every day both positive and negative, when you look back, you are bound to be pleased with yourself, as well know exactly where your faults lie as you have jotted them down and have the intent on improving..

there is no quick fix for anything.. you have to start by respecting yourself as a beautiful creation of Allah swt, and then you have to strive, and that is done a month at a time, a week at a time, a day at a time a minute at a time...

life is a state of constant toil and hardship.. it also pays to look at those less fortunate and that is the great majority of humanity..
Al7mdlilah for all these blessings for just to have been chosen for this religion is the single most greatest gift I could think of..