commitment issues and marriage

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Futterwacken

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as salaamu alaikum,


any one else have comittment issues and managed to hold down a healthy marriage or recovered?


I'm concerned about my ability to maintain healthy stable friendships/relationships. I have a track record of distancing/cutting off/sabotaging friendships. I can't comprehend how people can still be friends with the same people for 10 years. The last real friendship I had was when I was 15, and I ended up hurting her feelings and making her cry. This goes across the board, I have trouble comitting to anything, including education, jobs. I reach a certain point and become overcome by an itch to withdraw.


To me the idea of sharing my personal space with someone 24/7, and never having an evening to myself again terrifies me. I need to be able to retreat and cut off and feel in control. I also can't fathom the idea of constantly having children around me either, but do I want to experience being a parent. I want all the benefits of a marriage but I want it on my terms. I can't deal with the prospect of being completely alone but I can't deal with being smothered and tied down by a marriage either. What am I supposed to do to become healthy?
 
Wa alaikum assalaam, my dear,


Mmm... (smile) I think that your honesty with your problem, and your openness to look for information to solve it are encouraging signs. (pensively) Mmm... Have you considered looking for a psychologist with whom you'd feel comfortable, and exploring what you can do? (gently) It is painful to be alone... and it is hard to figure out quite what's wrong by oneself. A good therapist can help lead you to insights, and give you some support in your various efforts.

(smile) Incidentally, when I look for a professional (of any kind), I like to find 3 of them, and then interview them, to see whom I feel would be best suited to me. (smile) It's like interviewing a candidate for a job: you see who you think is competent, decent, and also who you think you can work with. If ever all three don't quite hit the right note... well, continue looking.

(smile) And of course, you could ask Allah for Guidance in finding help and in being strong (looking at oneself and changing are really hard things to do!). (smile) And if you undertake a thing in order to get closer to Allah... you get the extra benefit of an act of worship. So perhaps you could ask Him to Help you to become a healthier person in order to get closer to Him? (twinkle) I love bargains...!

I'll make du'a for you, inshAllah.


May Allah, the Repeatedly Forgiving, Guide you and Wrap you in His Care.
 
Futterwacken said:
as salaamu alaikum,


any one else have comittment issues and managed to hold down a healthy marriage or recovered?


I'm concerned about my ability to maintain healthy stable friendships/relationships. I have a track record of distancing/cutting off/sabotaging friendships. I can't comprehend how people can still be friends with the same people for 10 years. The last real friendship I had was when I was 15, and I ended up hurting her feelings and making her cry. This goes across the board, I have trouble comitting to anything, including education, jobs. I reach a certain point and become overcome by an itch to withdraw.


To me the idea of sharing my personal space with someone 24/7, and never having an evening to myself again terrifies me. I need to be able to retreat and cut off and feel in control. I also can't fathom the idea of constantly having children around me either, but do I want to experience being a parent. I want all the benefits of a marriage but I want it on my terms. I can't deal with the prospect of being completely alone but I can't deal with being smothered and tied down by a marriage either. What am I supposed to do to become healthy?
Click to expand...
1. Think of the reasons that caused you to break previous friendships.
2. Is the issue in you character? For example were you too impatient to withstand those causes and work on the relationship?
3. Do you tend to search for other people's flaws or carry a grudge? For example, when you see someone, you think this friend of mine is 'so and so'.
4. Do you express mean things directly to the person in question? Talk bad and complain behind their backs?

Imho you should fix the issue prior to getting married. Otherwise you could hurt an innocent person.
 
Walaikumasalaam,

May Allah swt make this life easy for you and may Allah swt give you the ability to choose and keep good companionship if this is good for you. Ameen.

Have you ever questioned why you cut people off? Or why they stop keeping in touch? Maybe the friends you have kept and thought were good company were not good for you? Some people enjoy their own company and others prefer to have friends or do both but we are all human and require some human interaction whether we like it or not. The prophet SAW stressed the importance of keeping good friends because you are who your friends are. An individual can extract a lot about a person just by looking at their friends.

You mentioned the closest relationship you ever had was when you were 15. That’s a very young age and am sure you were still discovering yourself then. Also try and understand why you class this relationship as the ‘closest’. Was it because this individual provided you with emotional support? Mental progress? Spiritual strength? Different people offer different qualities so try and understand what you want out of your friendships.

Just because you made one individual cry doesn’t mean you should punish yourself and not keep friends. Understand why you made this individual cry, seek her forgiveness, seek forgiveness from Allah swa and learn how to forgive yourself. In sha Allah you won’t make the same mistake again. We all make mistakes but what we take from our mistakes makes us who we are today. Subhana Allah. May Allah swt help us all learn from our mistakes.

By reading your post I get the sense that you are searching for something. Your soul is not satisfied and feels restless. Maybe you should evaluate your spiritual life and set yourself goals to please Allah swt because once you start the good deeds will start to heal your soul. Alhamdulilah. If you take anything from my post take this because Islam has the answers to everything. Research and enrol on Islamic programs.

Also if you read your last paragraph am sure you will agree you want all the good from marriage but you don’t want to take the bad. I think you are describing a Jannah relationship sister. We all want to be happy in marriage yes but we all have to work and put the hard effort in. Am sure many married couples will be able to identify a few annoying habits that their spouse has but they find a way to overcome or deal with the situation.

Understand why you want the marriage on your terms and carefully look at your terms. Do they derive from Islam? Will your terms make Allah swt happy? Are your terms compromising Islam and the rights of your spouse? If you find a man who is happy to live by your terms then Alhamdulilah but will this truly make you happy sister?

Be honest with yourself and your future spouse and insha Allah you can work together to address your concerns.
 

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