Demanding in-laws

[true_muslimmah]

I pray you are all in good health and imaan.

My future is put on the line because of demanding im-laws (well to in-laws to be insha'Allah)

Well i want to marry someone insha'Allah, and he is from back home in Pakistan and he is everything that i ever wanted in a guy, he is practasing, hard working, prays x5 and is also very strict in ramadhan and ALWAYS sits itikhaf, other then that as i am a deaf muslimmah he has also accepted me, that he has no problem with me being deaf, we are not blood related.

Here goes, his big bro lives in the UK (i live too lol) and his dad constanlty keeps demanding for money and as him being the elder brother out them all i understand he has a duty towards his parents but it has become soooo ridiculous now that they constantly keep asking for money. Even though the eldest son is very hard working, his health has been put on the line because he is very stressed out, money is no issue for them but he (the eldest bro) has a family of his own and has got his own childrens future to think about.

Why do paki parents back home have this mentality that we earn money here and that they constanly keep asking fo money for stupid things.

Th eldest bro has taken on all the responsibilities of his family even tho he got 4 other brothers but na seeing as the eldest son is in the UK they think its easy to keep asking for money and they will keep sending.

He (the big bro) has pai for both of his brother's wedding, but his father did not contribute anything towards it. Isn't it the father's responsibility?

Now marrying that brother has left me hanging now because i do not want that when he comes to the UK them back home will do the same to him? I have done istikhara and its all good, i have waited a long to marry this guy but now i dunno what to do. My cousin (who is married to the eldest bro) we both share very close special relation with eachother since we were lil kids is fed up of her in-laws (which will be mine to IF i get married in that fam)

What shall i do? Atm i am concentrating on ramadhan and asking Allah SWT to change the guys parents thinking but at the same time i am too worried because i am due to get married next year insha'Allah and i do not want to marry anyone else back home because they are all a big no-no.

Any suggestions?

:wa:

 

[cat eyes]

assalaamualikum sis ramadhan mubarek

he has an obligation to his parents but he has an obligation to you also, but you have no obligations to his parents remember this. the problem with his parents asking him for money all the time is when you will be married he might even insist you contribute also and this happens in many cases where the wife feels she is the one supporting her husband, the husband can't cope with the stress and tension from it all and ends up in serious dept because hes supporting his family! and this is wrong.

his parents should not be asking for money all the time for little things as this will cause a lot of problems for you as he will find it difficult to maintain for you also and it leads to divorce nearly always! sister my advice is i don't think you should marry this man as i feel he will ask you to contribute money to his family also on a daily occasion(not the wives duty) you are right his dad should be the one supporting his wife and kids, it don't matter how old he is! i am sure the father of the boy has some sort of buisness or job.. and money should be only asked in times of need!

i am sure he good but think on every level. culture and family destroys most marriages.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

problems will always occur

take them as tests from Allaah.

perservere through them with patience - hope for the mercy and reward of Allaah.


no matter what path we take - obstacles and hardships will surface. YOU CANT AVOID THEM!


that son is doing something amazing - baring patiently with his parents


do you wish to discourage this?...


Assalamu Alaikum

 

[ummsara1108]

Just add it as a contract to your Dowery, that this is no allowed to happen...lol..or you might just be the one person GOD sends to stop this certain stress this family has? Good Luck.

 

[true_muslimmah]

problems will always occur

take them as tests from Allaah.

perservere through them with patience - hope for the mercy and reward of Allaah.


no matter what path we take - obstacles and hardships will surface. YOU CANT AVOID THEM!


that son is doing something amazing - baring patiently with his parents


do you wish to discourage this?...


Assalamu Alaikum

No No not all, i do not discurage this at all, in fact i give it to him for being a son good.

Everything that you said above i agree with 100% and i am ready for whatever may come my way and take it as a test from Allah SWT.

I know that this guy will keep me happy and i have no problem with him sending back home at all, just that its got so ridiculous they keep asking for money all the time.

Jazka'Allah for the advice.

 

[true_muslimmah]

Just add it as a contract to your Dowery, that this is no allowed to happen...lol..or you might just be the one person GOD sends to stop this certain stress this family has? Good Luck.

Lol i always thought that id write it down im my nikah contract if that is even allowed :statisfie

I am doing so much du'aa for this family and may Allah SWT answer them. Without being disrespectful towards then i wish i could speak to them, but then again i dont want them to think i am a girl with an attitude. There is so much more in life then money, init?

Money isnt going to take us to Jannah right? We have to strive for that through ibaadat and good deeds. I know what i want but its just the matter off ''is this marriage even going to happen''

 

[true_muslimmah]

assalaamualikum sis ramadhan mubarek

he has an obligation to his parents but he has an obligation to you also, but you have no obligations to his parents remember this. the problem with his parents asking him for money all the time is when you will be married he might even insist you contribute also and this happens in many cases where the wife feels she is the one supporting her husband, the husband can't cope with the stress and tension from it all and ends up in serious dept because hes supporting his family! and this is wrong.

his parents should not be asking for money all the time for little things as this will cause a lot of problems for you as he will find it difficult to maintain for you also and it leads to divorce nearly always! sister my advice is i don't think you should marry this man as i feel he will ask you to contribute money to his family also on a daily occasion(not the wives duty) you are right his dad should be the one supporting his wife and kids, it don't matter how old he is! i am sure the father of the boy has some sort of buisness or job.. and money should be only asked in times of need!

i am sure he good but think on every level. culture and family destroys most marriages.

Lol yeah right, as if i am going to be working after marriage, i cant even find one now let alone after marriage. I have been trying for 2half years to find a job but sadly no1 will employ me imsad maybe bcuz of my deafness Allah knows best or maybe its meant to be that i dont work!

When i go back home next year insha'Allah when i see him for the first time i will talk it through with him.

Insha'Allah it shouldnt be that we end up in debt because i am going to make sure that doesnt happen, as a wife it will be my job to take care of the finances and if his parents do need money, and i mean in times of need and not for petty stupid reasons then i will tell my husband that god forbid something to us and we really needed that money and it ended up going back home and spent on worthless things.

One has to think realisitcly as marriage aint a joke as it has become these days. I tell you now, every girl who marries back home are in this sitution, they get married, apply for the visa, they come to UK, start looking for a job and once they are earning they think its their duty to send money back home and forget that they have a wife and kids to support first? This is the exact situtation my sister is in, her husband does not even give her penny, she works out off helplessness to provide for her 2children and he doesnt even let her use that money...??

The brother who i want to marry is not like this at all, if he is steadfast on deen like he said then he should know the rights and responsibility of the husband which im sure he does.

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

i think... your future husband already knows how to handle his parents. I'm sure InshaAllah he knows when to say yes and when to say no.

InshaAllah constant duas and prayers will InshaAllah maintain your future to be hubby's deen and help you all the way. Remember everything is up to Allah swt...so 'always' ask Allah swt for help...InshaAllah.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i get your frustration, I've seen it before where the family...well i dont want to say anything offensive :-[
it can get quite frustrating but as long as he is giving you your financial rights (or rights in general) and is being a good husband i guess the best thing to do is to put up with it.
having said that though if you feel so utterly frustrated that you feel it may cause trouble for you and your husband in future or between him and his family, maybe reconsider? but pray istikhara first tho

 

[true_muslimmah]

i get your frustration, I've seen it before where the family...well i dont want to say anything offensive :-[
it can get quite frustrating but as long as he is giving you your financial rights (or rights in general) and is being a good husband i guess the best thing to do is to put up with it.
having said that though if you feel so utterly frustrated that you feel it may cause trouble for you and your husband in future or between him and his family, maybe reconsider? but pray istikhara first tho

Like i said i am ready to go through whatever may come my way and endure it all woth patience but its just that my cousin does not want me to suffer like she is. I understand where she comig and i dont blame her but i see if from a different point of view, that there is no marriage that in not trouble or stress free, at one point of your life your bound to have differences and little tiffs which of course is normal.

As a muslim, i know he will face up to his responsibilities so long as he provides for me and it is enough for me i have no problem with him sending money back home but its just his parents have got into this addictive habit of constantly asking for money over petty little things which could have been spent wisely.

I pray that Allah SWT doesn't leave my du'aas unanswered and ye i have pray istikhara, i have done it on numerous occasions for 2years and so far it has been alhamdulillah positive. I dont really see his parents as an obstacle but its just that 1 thing that gets to me. Their mentality is so different towards those who live in the UK.

As if money grows on trees! We work hard for it and earn with our own sweat and blood!

Are they ever going to change?

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^ if your istikhara is positive and all then yh go with it.
maybe how your cousin sees it and deal with it is something different to how you will see and deal with it.
try not let your frustrations overwhelm you since they don't concern you... as you said your financial rights will be still granted to you
i really hope all goes well

 

[cat eyes]

Lol yeah right, as if i am going to be working after marriage, i cant even find one now let alone after marriage. I have been trying for 2half years to find a job but sadly no1 will employ me imsad maybe bcuz of my deafness Allah knows best or maybe its meant to be that i dont work!

When i go back home next year insha'Allah when i see him for the first time i will talk it through with him.

Insha'Allah it shouldnt be that we end up in debt because i am going to make sure that doesnt happen, as a wife it will be my job to take care of the finances and if his parents do need money, and i mean in times of need and not for petty stupid reasons then i will tell my husband that god forbid something to us and we really needed that money and it ended up going back home and spent on worthless things.

One has to think realisitcly as marriage aint a joke as it has become these days. I tell you now, every girl who marries back home are in this sitution, they get married, apply for the visa, they come to UK, start looking for a job and once they are earning they think its their duty to send money back home and forget that they have a wife and kids to support first? This is the exact situtation my sister is in, her husband does not even give her penny, she works out off helplessness to provide for her 2children and he doesnt even let her use that money...??

The brother who i want to marry is not like this at all, if he is steadfast on deen like he said then he should know the rights and responsibility of the husband which im sure he does.

sister some men believe there parents are on a more higher post then the wife so they neglect the needs of the wife.. even i know one pregnant woman now and she has to work imagine. these are one of the signs of the day of judgement that the wife will be maintaining for her husband..

now tell me where is he living at the moment?
has he got a british passport? or is he planning on marrying you for the residence?!

has he even got a job? sister mabe he will want you to work after marriage.. mabe whatever type money your getting, he will believe he has a right to it! obviously it is allowed and women can work alhamdulilah but its haraam for what his intentions are about you getting the job which would be maintaining for his family because you have no obligations to his family!. but it would be different if his mum didn't have a husband then his mum would need help, she should always feel like her son and daughter inlaw is there for her! but i don't see why money should be going back there unless there dirt poor which i doubt is the case.

there is loads of muslim brothers here in the united kingdom with good jobs and there families are here also sister. it makes it all the better.

 

[true_muslimmah]

sister some men believe there parents are on a more higher post then the wife so they neglect the needs of the wife.. even i know one pregnant woman now and she has to work imagine. these are one of the signs of the day of judgement that the wife will be maintaining for her husband..

now tell me where is he living at the moment?
has he got a british passport? or is he planning on marrying you for the residence?!

has he even got a job? sister mabe he will want you to work after marriage.. mabe whatever type money your getting, he will believe he has a right to it! obviously it is allowed and women can work alhamdulilah but its haraam for what his intentions are about you getting the job which would be maintaining for his family because you have no obligations to his family!. but it would be different if his mum didn't have a husband then his mum would need help, she should always feel like her son and daughter inlaw is there for her! but i don't see why money should be going back there unless there dirt poor which i doubt is the case.

there is loads of muslim brothers here in the united kingdom with good jobs and there families are here also sister. it makes it all the better.

i agree with you in the first paragraphy but remeber not all guys are like that. Alhamdulilah there are many guys out there who do not have this mentality at all, they fear Allah SWT and that is what should be expected from every muslim.

He is from pakistan sister, doesnt live that far away from my town, i've never been back home in my whole life so i dunno whats pakistan like but i heard its lovely!

Na he hasnt got a british passport and he has no intention of coming to live in England, so he isnt marrying me for the passport but for the sake of Allah SWT to fulfil have his deen. He is the only one guy from back home who is alhamdulillah practsing, the rest are my cousins who would love to marry me just to gain entry into the UK to ''live a better life''

He told my cousin over the phone (because i cant talk over the fone, just text) a load of questions for me and i answered them truthfully, he asked if im working and i said no because no1 employ me, then he said no problem you wont need to work i will provide for you. Ye alhamdulillah he is very hard working sister, he is a welder, and his older bro who lives here is a plumber.

Insha'Allah if i marry him and i call him over here, a job for him wont be a problem because his big bro is self employed and the business is alhamdulillah very successful, he will get a job working with his bro and he will help his big bro out as we will be living with him. My cousin and his big bro want us to go in2 the property business.

If only my parents would let me marry someone from the UK but it all boils down to cultural crap lol i can marry who i want in pakistan but this bro in pakistan was my choice, i prayed istikhara and it was all positive and still is.

When time comes and i go Pakistan i will insha'Allah sort it out with him because marriage is the biggest decision of your life and you do not want to make a decision in haste. I constantly think am i even going to get married?

 

[true_muslimmah]

^ if your istikhara is positive and all then yh go with it.
maybe how your cousin sees it and deal with it is something different to how you will see and deal with it.
try not let your frustrations overwhelm you since they don't concern you... as you said your financial rights will be still granted to you
i really hope all goes well

Jazak'Allah khair sis. I just keep all off it bottled in me, my cousin doesnt even want to talk about it so i keep quite and think to myself but i needed to get off my chest and get some useful advice from those who took a few minutes of their time to read my thread and post

I will go along with my istikhara and Allah knows best x

 

[Snowflake]

cat eyes: sister some men believe there parents are on a more higher post then the wife

They are. There is a hadith about what is the son's belongs to the father. But ofcourse that doesn't mean neglecting the wife. I wish I'd saved the hadith.

He (the big bro) has pai for both of his brother's wedding, but his father did not contribute anything towards it. Isn't it the father's responsibility?

Would you say the same if tomorrow your son paid for his siblings wedding?

No offence sis, but the son is paying because he wants to and he should do. This shouldn't worry you. InshaAllah your husband will provide for you. Islamically, wife's maintenance covers a roof over her head, food and clothing and basic needs. After that your husband can do whatever he likes with his money. His parents spent their when they raised him for years. He can't repay them back enough. Neither are parents around for long enough to even begin paying them back. My advice to you my sis is that as long as your husband provides for you, to never ever grudge what he spends on his parents. InshaAllah like that you will live a happy life.

 

[true_muslimmah]

They are. There is a hadith about what is the son's belongs to the father. But ofcourse that doesn't mean neglecting the wife. I wish I'd saved the hadith.


Would you say the same if tomorrow your son paid for his siblings wedding?

No offence sis, but the son is paying because he wants to and he should do. This shouldn't worry you. InshaAllah your husband will provide for you. Islamically, wife's maintenance covers a roof over her head, food and clothing and basic needs. After that your husband can do whatever he likes with his money. His parents spent their when they raised him for years. He can't repay them back enough. Neither are parents around for long enough to even begin paying them back. My advice to you my sis is that as long as your husband provides for you, to never ever grudge what he spends on his parents. InshaAllah like that you will live a happy life.

No alhamdulillah my thinking is not like that at all and i have no problem with it either sis. I will take your advice. Im not the sort of person who holds a grudge and for me his parents are the one who gave birth to him, raised him in difficulty and what not.

But is it permissible for his parents to CONSTANTLY ask for money that they end up spending it on useless stuff and couple days down the line the fone rings and they askinf or more...?? We dont earn money by sitting on our backside, we work hard for it but now it has come to the point where his parents care about nothing but money. Dont get me wrong but think about it like this.

The father asked the eldest son for some money just before his other son;s wedding for the house but the eldest son had already fixed the house and built it modern the last time he visit. The eldest son either i come down pakistan and do it or i will send you the money?

His dad turned around and said no, just send the money. They dont care about it, they dont care if they dont see him for another year, its the money they care about and that hurt the eldest son soooo much that he cried.

Is that right?

 

[Snowflake]

Sis, wasting money is never right. Transgressing the rights given by Allah is never right. This is between the father and the son and if the problem is so severe then the son should seek islamic advice upon the matter, so that even if his father is being unjust, the son himself does not unknowingly make the same mistake. But for yourself, there should be no concern regarding your marriage to the brother you're betrothed to.

 

[cat eyes]

No alhamdulillah my thinking is not like that at all and i have no problem with it either sis. I will take your advice. Im not the sort of person who holds a grudge and for me his parents are the one who gave birth to him, raised him in difficulty and what not.

But is it permissible for his parents to CONSTANTLY ask for money that they end up spending it on useless stuff and couple days down the line the fone rings and they askinf or more...?? We dont earn money by sitting on our backside, we work hard for it but now it has come to the point where his parents care about nothing but money. Dont get me wrong but think about it like this.

The father asked the eldest son for some money just before his other son;s wedding for the house but the eldest son had already fixed the house and built it modern the last time he visit. The eldest son either i come down pakistan and do it or i will send you the money?

His dad turned around and said no, just send the money. They dont care about it, they dont care if they dont see him for another year, its the money they care about and that hurt the eldest son soooo much that he cried.

Is that right?

i am not making any judgements on the son and the fathers relationship. however when the son gets married and has his own family its a whole different situation. the maintaining for the parents should be reduced. i don't like the sound of his parents to be honest with you and what you said about the oldest son crying over the fone and everything like this. this is not right islamicly. if my younger sis came to me and told me she wanted to marry a man and his parents were this demanding about money i would tell her to think twice about it thats all!

because i would want my little sis to have a good and happy life with no stress etc as everybody would want this for there bro or sis! now i am just giving you the same advice. everybody deserves the very best! and i would only be concerned of how he would be able to support you if his parents are this demanding about money and he don't even have residence in u.k i am sorry that your parents are not allowing you to marry here but really that chioce should be left to you. you have to live with the man after all.

its very important the inlaws should be good and compromising to prevent problems from happening in future. there is nothing worse then inlaws who are not one bit islamic but think they are.

 

[true_muslimmah]

i am not making any judgements on the son and the fathers relationship. however when the son gets married and has his own family its a whole different situation. the maintaining for the parents should be reduced. i don't like the sound of his parents to be honest with you and what you said about the oldest son crying over the fone and everything like this. this is not right islamicly. if my younger sis came to me and told me she wanted to marry a man and his parents were this demanding about money i would tell her to think twice about it thats all!

because i would want my little sis to have a good and happy life with no stress etc as everybody would want this for there bro or sis! now i am just giving you the same advice. everybody deserves the very best! and i would only be concerned of how he would be able to support you if his parents are this demanding about money and he don't even have residence in u.k i am sorry that your parents are not allowing you to marry here but really that chioce should be left to you. you have to live with the man after all.

its very important the inlaws should be good and compromising to prevent problems from happening in future. there is nothing worse then inlaws who are not one bit islamic but think they are.

As mentioned in my previous posts, as far as im concerned residence in the UK isnt a problem for me at all because we will be living with his big bro so there is no issue there that he wont be able to provide for me either because as soon as his visa gets accepted and comes to live with me, a job will be waiting for him too.

 

[cat eyes]

As mentioned in my previous posts, as far as im concerned residence in the UK isnt a problem for me at all because we will be living with his big bro so there is no issue there that he wont be able to provide for me either because as soon as his visa gets accepted and comes to live with me, a job will be waiting for him too.

sister do you wear the niqaab when you come in front of his brother? you mention you will be living with his older brother also after your married.. this is not good okay.. you need to get a place of your own if this man whom you want to marry is so into his deen he will know this is haraam.

dose your parents know about these living arrangements?