Divorce Impact on children.

[ameerkam]

Salaam.
My parents separated when I was twelve and in the years that ensued, my mother would take advantage of the visitation times and I would only see my father once every fortnight as well as make up stories about him and such. My father would also make up stories about my mother in court and there were a number of evil deeds between the two of them. My father would get angry at me for not telling my mother that she was doing wrong as I didn’t want any part of my parents squabbles and I was scared of talking to my mother about these things because when I did in the past (and sometimes when I didn’t) my mother would shout and yell at me, telling me that I was an awful son and my father would do the same, because of my inaction. Over time, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and depression (I have been diagnosed with both) and my psychologist says that my parents divorce was the main reason for this and that my inaction wasn’t my fault.
Then, I came across this (Hadith or Quran verse, I’ve forgotten) that says you have to act when you see an evil and not acting and just hating it in your heart is the weakest of faith. Does this mean that all this time I was doing haraam? Or I was of weak faith, and my father was right to yell at me and my mental health issues are in part, my fault? Please respond as I am very depressed because of this and I am contemplating suicide as it is a symptom of my mental illness/personality disorder.
Jazzakallahu Khair.

 

[xboxisdead]

Salaam.
My parents separated when I was twelve and in the years that ensued, my mother would take advantage of the visitation times and I would only see my father once every fortnight as well as make up stories about him and such. My father would also make up stories about my mother in court and there were a number of evil deeds between the two of them. My father would get angry at me for not telling my mother that she was doing wrong as I didn’t want any part of my parents squabbles and I was scared of talking to my mother about these things because when I did in the past (and sometimes when I didn’t) my mother would shout and yell at me, telling me that I was an awful son and my father would do the same, because of my inaction. Over time, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and depression (I have been diagnosed with both) and my psychologist says that my parents divorce was the main reason for this and that my inaction wasn’t my fault.
Then, I came across this (Hadith or Quran verse, I’ve forgotten) that says you have to act when you see an evil and not acting and just hating it in your heart is the weakest of faith. Does this mean that all this time I was doing haraam? Or I was of weak faith, and my father was right to yell at me and my mental health issues are in part, my fault? Please respond as I am very depressed because of this and I am contemplating suicide as it is a symptom of my mental illness/personality disorder.
Jazzakallahu Khair.

Sssssiiiiighhhh :facepalm::facepalm::facepalm::facepalm: * sigh again and again and again *

Hmmmm...sometimes you get too tired to talk anymore * sigh again * Wallahi over 70% of the people don't deserve to have children...wallahi 70% of people deserve to be castrated in my humble opinion. Everyone is fighting for power, everyone is fighting to make the child hate the other parent, everyone is fighting to cutting ties, everyone is fighting to demonize the other person, everyone is fighting and using children as weapon against the opposing parent and wallahi majority of that are women. Women! * sigh * I am not saying fathers don't do this...but majority and rampant like the billions of viruses that falls from the sky every day are the mother who work hard to cut ties between the father and child. And in the end you have people like ameerkam who end up screwed up..end up with mental problems, end up damaged psychologically and emotionally. * sigh *

Brother...let me tell you this...your story is not unique or special. I just talked to a kafir man who went through what you went through....his mother and father fought each other in court and each demonized the other...the mother used the court to attack the father and vice versa. For ten 12 years of battle and he was the weapon to be used against the opposing parent. In the end..he smacked both their heads and HAD A VERY STRONG bond with his father and he hated his mother.

Idiot parent who uses the child against the opposing parent does not realize by you doing this...YOU WILL turn this CHILD WHO YOU USED AS A WEAPON to hurt the other parent against you and the child will get his or her vengeance in the afterlife. Mothers and fathers need to know that the child does not belong to the mother and does not belong to the father...the child is the property of Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa)...YOU as a mother AND YOU as a father are entrusted BY ALLAH himself as an AMANA to take care of the child...NOT TO ABUSE THE CHILD NOR IT BELONGS TO YOU. I don't care if the mother goes 9 month of pregnancy and goes through pain to deliver the child...IT IS NOT YOURS...the child is the PROPERTY OF ALLAH and he can take his property back anytime he pleases and he can do what he wills to his property. The only reason mothers have three rights over the father is because of the hardship she went through and labor she went through to deliver the child...i.e...a vessel...a caccoon where the child is born..BUT IT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU...NOR DO MOTHERS CREATE OR BRING LIFE EITHER. Allah alone creates and brings life ..NOT YOU...NOT MOTHERS..not FATHERS. Maybe...if you return back to that thinking..parents ONE DAY PERHAPS...will MATURE FOR ONES and don't abuse their children.

But I aint holding my breath on that. I am soooo sorry you went through this brother...I do not envy you...nor I would wish this to happen to anyone. Sometimes...I am blessed to know my father died when I was a baby. At least...there would be no divorces and issues had he been still alive (by the way the divorce was about to happen between my mother and him BECAUSE OF HIS MOTHER!! SHE COULD NOT STOP INTERFERING WITH HIS LIFE AND CONTROLLING HIS LIFE AND HIS WIFE)........when he died he died THE MOST PIOUS MUSLIM I have ever seen.....you would be jealous in the way he left this world and the good deeds he toke with him...BUT AT LEAST I WAS BORN under marriage and knowing my father died and not divorced and go through battle between mothers and fathers.

To answer your question...NO YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT AT ALL!! The blame goes to your parents exclusively...my suggestion is keep going to therapy..WORK HARD to fix yourself (unfortunately the damage is there and there will always be cracks in the heart)....in my best if there are toxic between your parent don't cut ties completely but don't make your life focus around them either.

 

[azc]

:wa:

No, you committed no haram, bro. Inaction was your right decision.

Both your parents are responsible for what happened with you.

How long will you suffer for their mistakes.?

Forgive them.

Be positive.

May Allah swt fill your life with happiness and peace. Ameen.

 

[ameerkam]

Thank you. But doesn’t this inaction contradict the Hadith I referenced?

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Thank you, brother

 

[azc]

Thank you. But doesn’t this inaction contradict the Hadith I referenced?

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Thank you, brother

Will you quote the hadith...?

 

[ameerkam]

[FONT=&quot]Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Whoever amongst you sees an evil, he must change it with his hand; if he is unable to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is unable to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest form of Faith".

I was of age to be responsible for sins so[/FONT]

 

[azc]

[FONT=&quot]Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Whoever amongst you sees an evil, he must change it with his hand; if he is unable to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is unable to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest form of Faith".

I was of age to be responsible for sins so[/FONT]

First, you'd not reached puberty.

Second, being sandwiched between the parents, a son isn't supposed to favour either side. It's expected from him to keep silent in bilateral disputes of parents, however, he can reconcile, if possible for him.

In your case you weren't in a position to decide who was right and who was wrong.
And Allah swt knows best.

 

[ameerkam]

But this went on past the age of puberty. And what about now? I’m 19 and there are still problems with one side doing something bad. And it makes me very stressed out to have to deal with it.

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum

First focus on yourself. YOU have to be in the right frame of mind and mentally well enough to help yourself first and then focus on the people around you. Allah swt is The Most Merciful don't worry about it just now. Get yourself to a stage where you are capable enough of dealing with life. Once you reach this stage then spread your awareness and love of Islam to people who are close to you i.e your parents, your siblings, cousins, extended kin, friends etc.

To help yourself mentally you must start doing any form of excercise you love. It's horrible to admit because you always want to be strong but i went through a rough patch too and excercise really changed my mindset Alhamdulilah. Of course regular prayers and regular islamic classes really helps too.

Take up something mentally to keep your mind focused and surround yourself with positive people. You can buy or make posters and stick them on your wall so when you wake up insha Allah you wake up in a good mood. Analyse your life and remove all the negativity be it friends, environment, sins etc. Remember the more sins we commit the more depressed we will be so increase your good deeds and inshaAllah Allah swt will make you happy and successful. Ameen. Build or increase your relationship with Allah swt. Wherever you feel down please call out to Allah swt. You will feel calm and relaxed. Insha Allah.

One final point change your diet. Eat good clean organic (where possible) food. Insha Allah this will make you feel good.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Salaam.
My parents separated when I was twelve and in the years that ensued, my mother would take advantage of the visitation times and I would only see my father once every fortnight as well as make up stories about him and such. My father would also make up stories about my mother in court and there were a number of evil deeds between the two of them. My father would get angry at me for not telling my mother that she was doing wrong as I didn’t want any part of my parents squabbles and I was scared of talking to my mother about these things because when I did in the past (and sometimes when I didn’t) my mother would shout and yell at me, telling me that I was an awful son and my father would do the same, because of my inaction. Over time, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and depression (I have been diagnosed with both) and my psychologist says that my parents divorce was the main reason for this and that my inaction wasn’t my fault.
Then, I came across this (Hadith or Quran verse, I’ve forgotten) that says you have to act when you see an evil and not acting and just hating it in your heart is the weakest of faith. Does this mean that all this time I was doing haraam? Or I was of weak faith, and my father was right to yell at me and my mental health issues are in part, my fault? Please respond as I am very depressed because of this and I am contemplating suicide as it is a symptom of my mental illness/personality disorder.
Jazzakallahu Khair.

:wasalamext:


Know that Allah does not place a burden on a person more than what that person can bear. Know also that when Allah inflicts trials, difficulties, misfortunes, etc on a person it is actually a blessing in disguise. All trials and hardships build you to a stronger, intelligent and more resilient person. Allah wishes well for you and you should make dua to him as much as you can and ask him to ease your affairs and give you the strength to bear your hardships with patience.

Allah says in the Qur'an that for every one hardship that you bear with patience for His sake, He will reward you with multiple ease. The ease may not come at a time that you wish but don't lose hope. When one goes to the gym and works out, it's recommended to push through the pain/burn because it means your muscles are getting stronger. These trials inshaa'Allah will give you the strength in your heart that will aid you in this life and the next, even if life seems grim right now. Know that Allah loves you and wants what's good for you so have patience for His sake and trust in His plan because He is the Mighty and Overwhelming.

Divorce is difficult to bear for everyone. It's very hard on the husband and wife because they're essentially cutting off from someone whom they had pinned their hopes and dreams to and it's not easy letting go. Usually people carry the baggage of hurt and pain for many years without ever addressing it and all it does is bring more pain and misery. Divorce is an act that brings much grief to all parties involved and unfortunately the ones to suffer the most are children. Parents usually get so caught up in bickering and disputes of their former relationship and partner that they overlook how their behaviour impacts their children. You probably feel like a sandwich, like there's a tug-of-war between you and your parents and you're probably asked to take sides.

I understand how you feel: you don't want to hear your parents bicker, argue and criticise. You don't want to hear one parent verbally assaulting the other, and you especially don't want to be the one to pass the messages.

I would like to say this: whilst I don't know what happened between your parents, know that both your parents love you dearly and they want what's best for you even though it's hard to see it through their criticism. Whatever happened to their relationship isn't your fault and you are not responsible for their divorce, nor are you responsible for patching them up or passing criticisms between them. Your are their heart and soul and unfortunately they're so caught up in giving you want they think you want, they might unintentionally overlook what you actually need from them.

I don't know if any of what I'm saying is the right advice but I would suggest talking to your parents. Speak to your psychologist about talking to your parents and telling them how you really feel. Don't be ashamed of crying in front of them if that's how you feel but communicate with them and let them know how you feel. I'm sure inshaa'Allah they'll take it into consideration even if they don't act upon your wishes immediately.

I recommend reading the Qur'an. Spend 15-20 minutes reciting any parts of the Qur'an especially those bits you understand and inshaa'Allah you will experience tranquility and guidance in your heart.

May Allah ease your affairs and grant you patience to deal with these difficult circumstances in a way that will raise you in rank in His eyes.