Drinking and wife problems

[SN1]

Salaam

My situation is this, I got married in 2007 (I'm a typical Pakistani British lad) I hardly prayed or anything, so basically I just forced my family to get me married since at the time I was like 25, but I had no job, no money and stayed with my mom and dad, I didn't have much choice to marry with a girl but I wanted to marry my uncles daughter (seemed reasonable, she knew how I was like) so basically I went to Pakistan, she was not all I used to tell her to cook food for me. So once day I decided to ask her so I said to her: "I want to get married with" I said it in Urdu/Punjabi she turned around and basically insulted me, she told me to learn manner so I throw the food of the table and went...

So her mom came to my telling me who the hell I think I am some kind of a king or something, I told her I wanted to get married to her daughter and I told her to just sort it out. But she did not listen tell me I have no job. So called my mom up, and I told her to sort it out, eventually sorted it out. But her dad (my uncle) was still opposed to the marriage telling I was useless and very rude with a attitude problem.

Then basically I went to my wife to be and told her I if she wants to get married with me, since I thought I might as well ask her last time, she surprisingly agreed. So we got married....

By the way she is extremely religious, and I got some contacts and found that I could buy alcohol in Pakistan so I would go out now and then and get drunk, eventually my wife said me to drink at home, so I used to drink at night in the bedroom and we used to talk, sometimes I would pass out in the garden since it used to be too hot.

Basically eventually she started complain telling me to stop drinking and do prayer, and she would be moody at times too. So I told her I am going back to England. I came back to england I started doing the same thing just going out clubbing and everything... Almost everyday she would start argument with me, when I used to ring her, she said I did not love her and all of this...

Then eventually she started hanging up on me, she would not answer my calls or anything not even told to me, eventually I got so mad I got a ticket and went to Pakistan, she did not even come to meet me when I went to her house...

I was tried so I went to sleep, when I woke up she was still not there, I asked her mom where she is, and her mom pointed me to the room, and I went in there, (I was mad I was thinking I would slap her or what ever if she made me more angry) anyway when I went there, she was just sitting and not speaking, I sat next to her and she had a nail cutter knife, I slowly tried to get that off her... eventually I got it off her...

I felt sorry for her so I told her I loved her, since I did not like it that she was not talking to me, eventually after 3/4 hours she went alright with me and started talking to me. Eventually it was back to normal we had good relationship. But then I started doing the drink now and then like once a week...

I went round to my relatives house, and basically insulted them I said they had disgusting food and I spit it out on the table - they told me I had no manners (I was not drunk) my wife found out, and she told me that they will think I was drunk, so I told her who cares I don't give a hell what they think etc.

So I was mad, and I had hidden some alcohol at home, my wife went to her dads house (which is like a few blocks away) she would stay there and do the cooking, I did not go there much since I insulted her dad and called him a woman, at this day I was home in my own house pumping it with music not giving a hell about the next doors, walking around pretty much nude in the garden since it was hot, insulting the neighbors, they had the audacity to come to me and tell me not to be doing this, that they had "daughters" I insulted them and told him I would shoot him if he comes back.

So I was at home and I decided to have the drink, I went into the room where I hid the drink, and I was mixing a shot in the pesi, when I put the bottle of whiskey I thought I head something in the next room, so I go to check and I come back, and got scared I was sitting next to the whiskey when a bloody cat jumped out (I am not even joking a cat hiding inside) I got a big shock and hit the bottle and the bottle smashed onto the floor, and it was smelling so I got the glass up, and I washed the floor with some water, and I went out into to my cousins house...

I wanted his car so I can go into the city before my wife comes back home (so I could get some more drink) I went to my cousins house, his wife was and telling me I can't take the car I told her who the hell is she, I told her she was dirt on my boot, she told me to have some respect so then I just spat on her face I got the keys and got the car...

I went to the city and my phone started ringing it was my wife she was telling me she was coming home, and wanted me to keep the gate open. I thought OH no, so I got the car back and I rushed home I dropped the car off at my cousins, I came home just waiting there.

My wife came home, and did was like "You've been smoking" she banned me from smoking I told her I only had one, she was not too happy, later on she went into the next room, and her feet got sticky, lolloll from the whiskey I spilled on the floor, she called me over asking me what it was. I thought what the hell....

It was getting a little dark, so I thought I told her it might be "jinn" I started scaring her about it, she fell for it. She did not even want to stay in the house.

Anyway in the morning she was cleaning the house, and she noticed small bits of glass, and she was like its glass, I was getting abit mad now, since I thought she was doing detective work, she went to throw the trash and she noticed more glass in the trash, and asked me what I had been doing, I said I don't know....

I tried to get her mind off it, so I said to her make me some toast and egg, she started making that, we started eating, then there is knockin on the door... So I go and its my cousins wife, to tell me wife, cursed her and told her to go, and she would not go so my wife over heard, and asked me who it was I told her it was beggers she but she heard my cousin call her name, so she told me to open it...

I opened the gate, and she said to my wife ask him what he did yesterday, she told her about the whole spitting thing, my wife was like what the hell is wrong with you don't you have any manner she is our relative and we don't behave here like this.

So then my cousin sister said to my, "If my husband found out he would have broken your legs" I just laughed in her face and told her to call him, in fact I was giving her my phone telling her to call him, my wife looked at me with really angry.

So anyway she went away, and my wife was all in my ear about it saying I must have been drunk. Anyway, me and her had a little argument and she left, I had to go running behind her begging her to come back and not to go home.... She eventually agreed.

When we were walking back, the neighbors girls were walking and called my wife over, and I thought to myself *Oh here we go again* they told me wife I insulted their father, and that I was being completely immodest.

Then my wife came to me, and she said she can't control this anymore, she gets too many complaints about me, we had a little argument and I told her I will go back to England. So I went to my wifes mom and got money from her and got my ticket and a I came back to England...

So in England pretty much did the same just getting hella drunk, insulting everyone. And I did not call my wife much since she would shout at me...

so the situation is this now, me and my wife don't talk much and she is pretty mad with me... What do you think I should do?

 

[جوري]

more importantly what do you think you should do?

 

[Abdul-Raouf]

The title should have been >>> Drinking and Behavior Problems .....than ...Drinking and Wife Problems...
From your content ..it is clear..that ALLAH has gifted you a too good partner....Thank ALLAH.

Stop Drinking...
...Think about death and hereafter for atleast 5mins a day...Fear ALLAH.
Try to get a job and self respect...and Control Anger.

 

[Salahudeen]

I think you should make repentance for all the wrongs that you've done and try to lead an alcohol free life. I think you should try and reform and try to become a better Muslim. You're wife has every right to be upset with you, I feel sorry for her, your poor,poor,poor wife. Please change yourself and try to lead a better life.

Who knows you could die next month so what is the point in throwing away paradise for temporary enjoyment. It's all being recorded by the angels and all these wrongs that you've done, you will regret them and you will want to come back to the duniya and do good deeds after you're death but it will be too late then. You have to change now before you die, there's still hope. You have another chance, 1 of the salaf used to dig a grave every so often and he would lie down in it, he would then read the verse of the Qur'an to himself that states what the people will say when they face the trials of the next life, "Give us another chance so that we may go back to the duniya and do good deeds" then he would say to himself "know today, that you have another chance to go back to the duniya, and do good deeds"

So be grateful you are not dead yet and have a chance to undo all the wrongs that you have done in your life, I think you should start to consider the feelings of other people before you act, and how you would feel if you were treated the same way as you treat people.

Think to yourself "Would I like this done to myself" obviously not "so why should I treat some 1 else in a way that I would hate to be treated" life is short my friend, don't fill your grave with bad deeds, fill it with good deeds. Only a fool trades this life for the next by following his desires and straying from the Qur'an and sunnah. Anyone who reads your story will sympathize with your wife cos the way you have behaved is not right, the word oppression comes to mind. No 1 can make you change, you have to wanna change yourself and be a better person. You have to fight shaytaan and his evil seductive calls. On the day of judgement he is only gonna say "I never made them do anything bad, I just whispered in their ears and they did it" When ever you do an action think "Will Allah like this action of mine that I'm about to do"


The below 2 vid they are inspirational and they really sums up this life please watch them, you have to change, the problem is not with anyone else except you.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

[females perspective,] she (and her family) had every right to get angry about the way you approached her. she/they did the right thing by getting angry you.

your wife will be devastated if she came to know that you drink and go clubbing. she is looking for someone to look up to, not raise and discipline. she wants someone to protect her house hold and herself. she wants to feel secure and know that her husband is a pillar for her, not someone she has to argue with over things that shouldn't be done in the first place.you aren't a child anymore you are a grown man-and at head of a household at that so start taking responsibility. have you ever heard of a leader of an army sitting back and expecting his men to fulfill his duty of leading. have you ever heard a leader of an army not knowing what to do as a leader but yet insists on leading? does this make sense to you?

she will be hurting knowing that you are hurting yourself by doing these haram things. this hurts her deeply and could be where her anger is stemming from.

your wife's family want to rest assured that they have given their daughter away to someone pious who they can trust to protect their daughter. they have raised her all their lives and now the transition has come where they have given her away to someone else who will look after her- do you think your actions are of trustworthy nature? do you think your father-in-law can put his head to sleep at night knowing that this is what his daughter is going through.

your wife sounds like a tough woman, mashallah and i must commend her for it. i think by her getting mad, she is trying to teach you a lesson by trying to make you realize that you need to wake up and that if you really want her, then you have to get your act together. no one in their right mind gives themselves away knowing that they wont be treated as they should be. people hold themselves in higher esteem then this.

i think by her getting angry she is doing the right thing and in all honesty, since she is in the right to get angry and since she is right from the Islamic perspective, then you should take it upon yourself to listen to her. she isn't asking for anything haram.

do you wish that your wife doesn't cook and clean for you? of course this is what you expect your wife to do and wouldn't settle for anything less. and its only fair that you fulfill what is expected and wanted from you as well.

fear allah, eventually you have to raise children inshaAllah. is this the type pf role model and environment you want them raised in. don't deprive them of the Islamic knowledge you are deprived of, which has lead you to this.

i don't know how in lords name your wife is still living with you knowing that you drink. you should consider yourself fortunate that she was even given to you.

Anyway in the morning she was cleaning the house, and she noticed small bits of glass, and she was like its glass, I was getting abit mad now, since I thought she was doing detective work, she went to throw the trash and she noticed more glass in the trash, and asked me what I had been doing, I said I don't know....

she want doing any detective work she saw the unfamiliar broken glass and was wondering where it came from. wouldnt you do the same?

[/female perspective off]

p.s i dont mean to be harsh, but i was advising from the angle that i saw fit.

 

[Asiyah3]

I feel so sorry for your wife. May Allah grant her patience and success in both Worlds. Ameen.

Still, I think there is a reason why you still live. May Allah guide you to repent and change your ways. Ameen.

- Get a job
- Stop drinking
- appreciate your wife and treat her well.

 

[SN1]

Thanks for the advice - I am still feeling bad. I want to go see my wife, and my family does not agree, but I can't live here anymore I am so sacred I could not even go to sleep all last night I kept waking up and having bad dreams something is wrong with me, I've never felt like this before I've never felt so scared but I am scared of something and I don't know what it is.

 

[tango92]

one day you will wake up to regret everything, life is a long time to have regrets, never mind the hereafter.

what you need to do is channel your energy into your wife, replace what is wrong with what is right, you can still enjoy life. and its so much sweeter when you Obey Allah.

 

[UmmSqueakster]

Looking at your OP, I can see about 50 billion things you've done wrong in this marriage. When you look at what you've written, do you see that you've done any wrong?

The first step is to admit your mistakes, and get help for your problems. Set yourself right, first and foremost with Allah (swt). Get help for your drinking. Work to stop drinking. Repent repent repent! Ramadan is approaching, so why not set a goal to stop drinking (and smoking and clubbing and everything else that is haram) by Ramadan. Make a goal to pray all your salat by Ramadan. When you are right with Allah (swt), then get right with your wife. Go to her with a list of everything you have done wrong, and apologize for all of it. If you are sincere about wanting to make it work, promise her that you will start over, with Allah (swt) as your witness.

The only way a marriage can work is if it's built on a strong foundation. Your wife has that foundation - her faith. You do not. Build your foundation, and then inshaAllah work to build your marriage.

 

[cat eyes]

get help for your drinking problem that would be a start :/

 

[aadil77]

What is this, some life story? stuff about egg and toast and you spitting out food,

get to the point - you've got bad habits and no manners, these are issues you should have sorted out before marrying a 'extremely religious' person - think about your wife, she deserves better

I'd start off by praying to Allah for forgiveness, the things you've mentioned are huge sins, you'll also have to ask the people you've disrespected for forgiveness

Then start off by taking your wifes advice and start praying, no matter what you do (drink, take drugs etc) do not miss any prayers, they'll act as a shield for you and eventually calm you down and pull you away from bad habits.

Sort yourself out, do it for the sake of Allah, for the sake of yourself, your wife, your parents, your future kids