Dwelling on your future spouses past & friends - relationship advice needed

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cupcakes

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Salam,

So I've been getting to know a guy (future spouse Inshallah) and it just so happens that we were talking about our previous relationships i.e. he wanted to know how many guys I had seen for marriage in the past. We continued to chat until he told me that he had previously had multiple partners (in a non-halal way i.e. clubbing etc) and that he truly regret it. It really hurt me to hear this, because I did ideally want a guy who had 'saved himself for marriage'.

I really trust him and so I thought it would be best not to judge him based on his past because - who am I to judge when Allah SWT is all forgiving. My main problem is that he still has a few friends who he hangs out with now that know about his past (because they were his mates at the time). He tells me that they too have changed and have made tawbah (3 years ago).

So my main question is should I be trusting these friends around him? I always wonder whether they have a laugh about the number of girls they've 'dated' or been with etc. I mean it's only natural to question. I know that friends tell you a lot about a person - even Islamically. I'm scared to give myself to him (despite my feelings) because I don't know if his friends will end up ruining our relationship or leading him down the wrong path again. I mean, I trust him, but not so much his friends.

What makes it harder is, I have never had exposure to non-halal relationships and so the idea of clubs etc. really scares/bothers me. I don't know if his friends will influence him to go back to his old ways...

What should I do?
 
wa'salaams,

You should have a mahram involved in this process. Among being halal and having many benefits is the emotional investment and attachment one can avoid. So you trust him completely because of all your interaction with him, had that interaction been done via a mahram, you probably wouldn't be as trusting and be more critical.

Also, while forgiveness is good and erases the sin, it does not undo the act and the experience. So if you want someone who saved himself for you as you have done then you have every right to seek that person out and deny all others. Just an fyi so you don't you have to go through with this one.

Regarding him asking how many proposals have you had before him, then that's none of his business. Once your married, if your husband wants to ask then he can, right now no interest party has a right to ask nor are you obligated to respond. That's like you go for an interview and the company asks how many other interviews have you done before this one.

Regarding his friends, they are big influence on a person and can lead him to whatever lifestyle they live. He said they too have changed, question for you to ask yourself is how true is that. It mostly depends on having meeting them and judge for yourself, which could be unreliable as anyone can be on best behavior. or take his word for it, which is also being bit naive. or ask the community about them as well as him to see what they think and know, and this becomes the job of a mahram, thus the need to have them involved.

As to what you should do. That depends on you. If you want someone who is also a virgin then keep looking, if you don't mind then give him a chance (after doing all the necessary investigation). If you are confused and unsure, do istakharaha.
 
cupcakes said:
Salam,

So I've been getting to know a guy (future spouse Inshallah) and it just so happens that we were talking about our previous relationships i.e. he wanted to know how many guys I had seen for marriage in the past. We continued to chat until he told me that he had previously had multiple partners (in a non-halal way i.e. clubbing etc) and that he truly regret it. It really hurt me to hear this, because I did ideally want a guy who had 'saved himself for marriage'.

I really trust him and so I thought it would be best not to judge him based on his past because - who am I to judge when Allah SWT is all forgiving. My main problem is that he still has a few friends who he hangs out with now that know about his past (because they were his mates at the time). He tells me that they too have changed and have made tawbah (3 years ago).

So my main question is should I be trusting these friends around him? I always wonder whether they have a laugh about the number of girls they've 'dated' or been with etc. I mean it's only natural to question. I know that friends tell you a lot about a person - even Islamically. I'm scared to give myself to him (despite my feelings) because I don't know if his friends will end up ruining our relationship or leading him down the wrong path again. I mean, I trust him, but not so much his friends.

What makes it harder is, I have never had exposure to non-halal relationships and so the idea of clubs etc. really scares/bothers me. I don't know if his friends will influence him to go back to his old ways...

What should I do?
Click to expand...

Asalaamualaykum

There is no real Fiqh answer to your situation. There seems to be a few a issues that I have identified from reading your post and InshAllah will discuss it.

Firstly - irrespective to whether he had friends that partook of his past sins or not - the bottom line is he was an adult at the time and is responsible for his own actions. He has claimed that he was remorseful and so was his friends and it is possible that they all have changed their ways. Whether his friends are in the picture or not - he alone can commit the same sin again - so the friends really don't matter here.

Secondly - These thoughts are normally entertained when we as Insaan divorce ourselves from our own history and ignore the skeletons in our own closet.

If you were to ponder about the Major and Minor sins that you have committed in your life - You will have no time to even look at another persons errors in the worry and concern of what will be your position before your Rabb on the Day of Judgement.

If you carry this developing attitude into your marriage - Trust me it will bring mistrust and judgment into a beautiful nikah.

When we loose focus of our own Kabr(Grave) - we tend to direct that attention on other peoples Sins. Don't build that attitude that "his friends led him into sin" - He led his own soul into that.

If you feel that he is a good muslim and striving to be better - then that's a winner in itself ....After all, Who today can claim to be "The finished Article" ????

If you feel that would not cope with his Sexual history - cut the relation now.

Keep your eyes down to where you prostrate and believe you me - you will no time to pick that eye to look at other peoples Sins.

If there is barakah in this I sincerely hope it works - If there is Fitna in it I hope it doesn't work.

Verily we all are sinners and the best of sinners are those that repent.
 
w/salaam,

I'll advise this; you are really hurt and can't get over it then do not proceed any further. But if you want to proceed then consider:

1. It's okay to be judgemental about someone when you are considering them for marriage. You don't want to be in a devalued position let's say left abandoned with/without kids if this individual was to return to his bad ways, somehow, finding other club girls more exciting etc.

2. You claim to trust him. Need to ask yourself what this trust is based upon and how solid are those reasons. Has he introduced you to his family, and vice-versa? How does he get along with both yours and his, how do they get along with you (treatment etc)? How can you be sure l of his old friends and their changed behaviour or his?? Are they praying men, do they go to the mosque, does the Imam know them, or other known brothers? So, now he isn't clubbing etc, how does he spend his leisure time? Does he fast and recite the Quran, give in charity......essentially what are his goals is it deen over dunya, or the other way, is there a relative okay balance.? (and firstly, do you do these things-important)

3. Multiple partners,... consider if this person has passed the test for any sexually transmitted diseases.

4. There are people like yourself, (single, never married) so don't be too easily swayed by emotions, which can change very easily from love to panic when you find yourself in a situation unable to hold your marriage together as the guy resorting back to bad habits i.e being involved with many women. It's your right and well-being to determine change in a direction towards being firmly progressive on the right path. Don't look at far-fetched promises, see if he's realistic, responsible and on track with his deen. (please, be judgemental!) It's important to be with someone whom you can have peace of mind and heart. Is this someone you can entrust to have children with?

5. In the meantime, keep improving yourself spiritually, you are going to need it to deal with the hassles of home and evils in the environment. This is a time whereby a Muslim has to have superwoman/man strength in order to survive and raise children properly etc....You'd be begging to walk hand in hand with someone deserving having similar goals, understanding, steadfastness, favourable personality traits. etc. Keep healthy,fit and productive.

When it comes to this, i.e spiritual character don't accept lower than noble standards. Money, handsomeness, charm all of that can easily disappear like the foam on the sea. This is reality. But if you are blessed with it all, Alhamdulilah. I think don't focus on the person too much in this month, the opportunity of multiple blessings for doing good deeds will soon pass by us quickly. Focus on all the Fard, Sunnah and extra acts of worship you can do. After, Ramadan you can do your investigations, it's my least advice against my very best wishes for you because in all honesty the way in which the intial post is written and key-words used have alarming bells ringing in my head. May Allah protect you. Ameen.




cupcakes said:
Salam,

So I've been getting to know a guy (future spouse Inshallah) and it just so happens that we were talking about our previous relationships i.e. he wanted to know how many guys I had seen for marriage in the past. We continued to chat until he told me that he had previously had multiple partners (in a non-halal way i.e. clubbing etc) and that he truly regret it. It really hurt me to hear this, because I did ideally want a guy who had 'saved himself for marriage'.

I really trust him and so I thought it would be best not to judge him based on his past because - who am I to judge when Allah SWT is all forgiving. My main problem is that he still has a few friends who he hangs out with now that know about his past (because they were his mates at the time). He tells me that they too have changed and have made tawbah (3 years ago).

So my main question is should I be trusting these friends around him? I always wonder whether they have a laugh about the number of girls they've 'dated' or been with etc. I mean it's only natural to question. I know that friends tell you a lot about a person - even Islamically. I'm scared to give myself to him (despite my feelings) because I don't know if his friends will end up ruining our relationship or leading him down the wrong path again. I mean, I trust him, but not so much his friends.

What makes it harder is, I have never had exposure to non-halal relationships and so the idea of clubs etc. really scares/bothers me. I don't know if his friends will influence him to go back to his old ways...

What should I do?
Click to expand...
 
Cookiemilk said:
w/salaam,

I'll advise this; you are really hurt and can't get over it then do not proceed any further. But if you want to proceed then consider:

1. It's okay to be judgemental about someone when you are considering them for marriage. You don't want to be in a devalued position let's say left abandoned with/without kids if this individual was to return to his bad ways, somehow, finding other club girls more exciting etc.

2. You claim to trust him. Need to ask yourself what this trust is based upon and how solid are those reasons. Has he introduced you to his family, and vice-versa? How does he get along with both yours and his, how do they get along with you (treatment etc)? How can you be sure l of his old friends and their changed behaviour or his?? Are they praying men, do they go to the mosque, does the Imam know them, or other known brothers? So, now he isn't clubbing etc, how does he spend his leisure time? Does he fast and recite the Quran, give in charity......essentially what are his goals is it deen over dunya, or the other way, is there a relative okay balance.? (and firstly, do you do these things-important)

3. Multiple partners,... consider if this person has passed the test for any sexually transmitted diseases.

4. There are people like yourself, (single, never married) so don't be too easily swayed by emotions, which can change very easily from love to panic when you find yourself in a situation unable to hold your marriage together as the guy resorting back to bad habits i.e being involved with many women. It's your right and well-being to determine change in a direction towards being firmly progressive on the right path. Don't look at far-fetched promises, see if he's realistic, responsible and on track with his deen. (please, be judgemental!) It's important to be with someone whom you can have peace of mind and heart. Is this someone you can entrust to have children with?

5. In the meantime, keep improving yourself spiritually, you are going to need it to deal with the hassles of home and evils in the environment. This is a time whereby a Muslim has to have superwoman/man strength in order to survive and raise children properly etc....You'd be begging to walk hand in hand with someone deserving having similar goals, understanding, steadfastness, favourable personality traits. etc. Keep healthy,fit and productive.

When it comes to this, i.e spiritual character don't accept lower than noble standards. Money, handsomeness, charm all of that can easily disappear like the foam on the sea. This is reality. But if you are blessed with it all, Alhamdulilah. I think don't focus on the person too much in this month, the opportunity of multiple blessings for doing good deeds will soon pass by us quickly. Focus on all the Fard, Sunnah and extra acts of worship you can do. After, Ramadan you can do your investigations, it's my least advice against my very best wishes for you because in all honesty the way in which the intial post is written and key-words used have alarming bells ringing in my head. May Allah protect you. Ameen.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your advice. Wallahi your response as well as all the responses above have made me feel so much better. Like you said, Inshallah I will use this month wisely and probably do an Istikhirah and see how I go from there. May allah reward you for your kindness & valuable advice!
 
If I can just clarify,

My parents of course know about this guy and he has met my family (from day one) and I have met his family. He prays,fasts and goes to the mosque. He told me that since he went to hajj a few years back he changed his old ways and that he much prefers the lifestyle he is leading now. He spends most of his time either at work or with his mates at their houses/cafes/restaurants or fishing/ mountain climbing.

Is this an issue? And am I being naive in trusting him too much? (Mind you, this trust has developed over the course of time where he's been visiting my place and just in the general phone conversations we had).
 
cupcakes said:
If I can just clarify,

My parents of course know about this guy and he has met my family (from day one) and I have met his family. He prays,fasts and goes to the mosque. He told me that since he went to hajj a few years back he changed his old ways and that he much prefers the lifestyle he is leading now. He spends most of his time either at work or with his mates at their houses/cafes/restaurants or fishing/ mountain climbing.

Is this an issue? And am I being naive in trusting him too much? (Mind you, this trust has developed over the course of time where he's been visiting my place and just in the general phone conversations we had).
Click to expand...

Asking questions to make you think, not because I wanted the answers :-) but fishing is ok. Alhamdulilah, he seems to be on the right path, praying, fasting and Hajj, parents' involvement etc.

Anyway, just another thing how is he with girls presently, does he keep in contact with them on his social media, other wise, .....are they his friends. Something you can ask or try to find out.

Well, you are in contact with this person and would know him better my responses were based on the initial post and trying to protect you from perceived harms.

This man could be your leader, unless he decides not to lead. But if he does will you be able to follow him in his leadership and decisions? If he's not going to lead he'll want you to lead but will he be able to listen? Or, he'll want both of you to come to decisions together, do you both have the same priorities and goals so things can flow smoothly?

You need someone who can help you do the right things and vice versa; i.e you both need to be responsible within yourselves for things to work. The worst advice ever given; you can change him. That will only work if the person is willing to be changed in the first place.

Which in this case, I admit now seems possible. And if you are going to go through with it make dua that these insecurities are removed from your heart and you can let him know how you feel so that he's genuinely concern and will make dua for you too, hopefully and be cautious not to make mention of the past etc, jokes that can trigger you towards feeling distrust etc He should be able to reassure you that he's trustworthy. Istikharaa prayer is a definite.

This lecture will explain these things clearly and give other valuable information. May Allah make it easy for you both and grant you happy lives if it's good and keep harms away. Ameen.

https://youtu.be/IHFsIXHWnYo
 
Re: cupcakes

Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu. I can relate. I also feel/felt like you. It's normal to want a good, pure guy when you are a good, pure girl. However, with today's reality and the way things are, that is hard to find. Make dua and do what feels right to you. It is heartbreaking to even think that a guy you like might have indulged in zina, much less actually find out as you did. Guys don't have a problem asking girls if they are a virgin. However, if I am interested in a guy, I am scared to ask. I cringe to even think of it. I guess I prefer denial over risking finding out something unpleasant. Yet, there is the reality of sins and STDs. In America, people are required to get STD testing before getting a marriage license. I don't know if that's the case in other countries. Sad state of affairs. This issue bothers me so much that I avoided reading this topic for days. May Allah guide us to make the right decisions. Amin.

P.S. I feel unlovable and undesirable more often than not because of health issues and weight gain and not looking as good as I used to (which people have been cruel enough to tell me on different occasions). Therefore, I feel like a "perfect" Muslim guy won't accept me and that I should accept whoever is mostly suitable and accepts me.

Oh, I also have this "Savior Complex" where I feel like I have to try to save people with issues, especially if I already care about them. Sort of like the good girl going for the sort-of-bad guy or guy who was bad in the past. So a dark-minded Hamlet appeals more to me than a clean-cut guy-next-door mama's boy type.
 
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Greetings and peace be with you cupcakes;

It is always easy to give advice, because we do not have to live with the consequences. these are my thoughts, but please feel free to disregard anything I say.

Your future spouse did not have to tell you the truth about his past, but he seems to have volunteered this now. Possibly it is his way of asking for a fresh start, or possibly he has said the same thing to his past girlfriends, who knows?

If you did marry, the chances are you will have arguments, you will know if you have truly forgiven his past, because you cannot bring up his past in any future argument.

You will know if you truly trust him, if you see his phone or computer unattended, will you be tempted to check the call history?

Getting married and staying married is one of the toughest things we do in life. It is an imperfect man, marrying an imperfect woman, having imperfect children and living in an imperfect world. It is incredibly hard making your relationship succeed. The first twenty five years are the hardest, then it gets harder, I have only been married for thirty three years, and we still struggle.

Pray for guidance, pray for help to do the will of Allah,

May you be blessed this Ramadan in all you do.

Eric
 
Wa alaikoem salaam,

My advice will be dont compromise in the beginning, you stated that you want a brother who has waited for a halal relationship, but the guy you are talking to didnt had the sabr to wait.

First of all, why did he even start about his past? Im not doubting about his sincerity in his repentance, but you have to consider that it would be better if he didnt bring it to you. It was enough for him to tell you that he isnt a virgin.

I suggest to be strictly business in the pre-marriage. Because otherwise your emotions wille have the upperhand and that will result in irrational decisions.

The one with sabr will always get the reward, even if you dont marry in this world, you will marry a virgin in paradise, so it is worth the wait.

Wallahu Alam
 
Re: Dwelling on your future spouses past & friends - relationship advice needed

Salam, cupcakes. If you really like or even love the guy, then I think you should go ahead and marry him. If he treats you well and respects you, that is good and hard to find. He changed his lifestyle and even did Hajj. So hopefully Allah forgave him and purified him. However, if you just cannot get over his past, then distance yourself from him. STD testing before getting married is something you must demand. Also, Salatut Taubah after a bath with the intention of purifying himself of his sins. After marriage if you marry him, you can request that he use protection. That should reduce the risk of transmission of germs. In a way, that should be his punishment for his evil and sinful acts, shameful major haram sins. It seems in some cases of zina, alcohol is involved. Another reason to avoid it. Please remember brothers and sisters that you were created in pairs and the only person you should ever be intimate with is your halal spouse.

- - - Updated - - -

Please keep us posted as to your decision.
 
Re: Dwelling on your future spouses past & friends - relationship advice needed

Turns out my guy is a virgin Alhamdulillah! I wasn't sure before because of some things he wrote. I wasn't sure how to interpret what he wrote. I wasn't also sure of the tense he used as English is not one of his native languages. I almost lost him today due to some other misunderstanding today. I got him back. Allahu Akbar. Nobody can get in our way insha Allah. May Allah Al Hafiz protect and preserve us all.
 
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