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Thread: emotionally forced black mailed nikkah by family
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khanjee

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Aslam o Alikum

Islam gives right to Muslims to choose their own wife, BUT my mother and women's of family emotionally black mailed me to marry my first cousin after resistance of 5 years by myself . i didn't have any feelings towards her
Very very unfortunate I got scared, emotionally blackmail etc and I did Nikkah (no rukshti) and said yes under pressure. I liked my other cousin and wanted to marry her as this was my right and told my mother several times but she didn't heard and every time put some illogical reason as normally women's do.
Now 1 year passed but I'm going to go crazy, very very depressed, angry and nothing is good for me and even dont enjoy any thing at all. Someone please give me some advice!
 
salam aleykum

I can't give specific advice to your situation per se but I must tell you that you shouldn't allow your happiness to revolve around her or any other woman. You don't need her Allah should be enough. So basically dont let your love for anyone reach dangerous heights as we should love Allah most.

So try and strengthen your iman etc

That said if you wanna divorce her or anything like that, if you do im not sure the other cousin would really accept you and it would most likely cause alot of family tensions.
 
khanjee said:
Aslam o Alikum

Islam gives right to Muslims to choose their own wife, BUT my mother and women's of family emotionally black mailed me to marry my first cousin after resistance of 5 years by myself . i didn't have any feelings towards her
Very very unfortunate I got scared, emotionally blackmail etc and I did Nikkah (no rukshti) and said yes under pressure. I liked my other cousin and wanted to marry her as this was my right and told my mother several times but she didn't heard and every time put some illogical reason as normally women's do.
Now 1 year passed but I'm going to go crazy, very very depressed, angry and nothing is good for me and even dont enjoy any thing at all. Someone please give me some advice!
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Walyakum musalaam Brother,

Sorry to hear about your situation it is not something not new from my experience among backward illiterate Asian parents who are so culturally bound that they force such matters upon their children ignoring the fact that they are the ones that have to live with the person.
Please be aware they cannot force anything upon you and there are no such things as forced marriage in Islam. I would even question if your marriage is in fact tact. Everything revolves around intention so if at the time you said 'yes' due to pressure than this is not right. I do not know your situation as in where you live and if you can move away from your parents etc...But you need to pull yourself together and stand up for your rights. First and foremost built a relationship with your creator as that should be your number one priority insha'allah your depression will subsidize. Remember this life is a test and Allah does not burden a soul beyond their capacity. After you have become stronger in your deen confront your parents and the girls parents and break yourself free from this man made marriage. If your other cousin is around and willing to marry you than the next step would be to try and make this happen by speaking to her parents etc.. But make sure you perform istikara (2 units of prayer) along the way to keep you guided. May Allah make your matters easy insha'allah.
 
Thanks for yr advice
It would be sinful if I QUIT from that relationship??
 
Same thing happened to a young man I kno. He's a Pakistani but born here in the UK. I used to tease him that his parents will make him marry his first cousin in Pakistan if he ever goes there.

He said he'd never go.

Then he went and came back married to his first cousin.

He's not happy, and they have a child together. Claims he was trapped by magic and all sorts.

Poor fella.

Scimi
 
If a person is forced into a marriage and does not wish to be in that marriage then it can be annulled or terminated. The person needs to talk to an imam about this. If the wife and the mother and other women cry about it, then they have only themselves to blame. They brought this on themselves.


*charisma* said:
Assalamu Alaikum

Have you consummated the marriage?
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most likely since he's been married for a year now.
 
No offense, but why consummate a marriage you know you don't want to be in? It's not her fault he couldn't man up and say no to his family. If he divorces her, it will be even more difficult for her to get married considering the stigma surrounding divorced women in those parts of the world. He has the right to divorce, but it's not fair to the wife especially if the reason is because he is still fixated on his other cousin all this time. He can make his marriage work by moving on and actually putting in the effort. If he didn't consummate the marriage, then it will be a lot easier for divorce without all the baggage.
 
If a marriage is not consummated within three days, the marriage is null and voided. Right?

If he consummated the marriage after that time, would it then be zina?

Scimi
 
No I didn't consummate the marriage, because only did nikkah.
That's y I am asking I was resisting from last 5 years and I think it would not be easy for my self to adjust b/c I don't have feelings towards her.
Now it's a sinful act if I quit. Definitely it's also depressing and stressful for her family. Plz suggest some use full and Islamic I am feeling very very bad and depressing last one year that I can't explain my situation. Thanks
 
*charisma* said:
No offense, but why consummate a marriage you know you don't want to be in? It's not her fault he couldn't man up and say no to his family. If he divorces her, it will be even more difficult for her to get married considering the stigma surrounding divorced women in those parts of the world. He has the right to divorce, but it's not fair to the wife especially if the reason is because he is still fixated on his other cousin all this time. He can make his marriage work by moving on and actually putting in the effort. If he didn't consummate the marriage, then it will be a lot easier for divorce without all the baggage.
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He already said he only had the nikah done. I disagree with you just because he couldn't man up at the time and was forced into this marriage doesn't mean he has to make this marriage work. Society will talk either way and the woman his so called wife will move on in the future and insha'allah marry again as remember he hasnt touched her. No point trying to make a marrige work if your heart is not in it. The fact that the whole idea is making him depressed shows how negative he is in the first place. If anyone is to be blamed here it is his parents. The situation could be a lot worse she could have moved in with her and he could be really negative towards her. At least in this way he is giving her the opportunity to move on and himself.
 
khanjee said:
No I didn't consummate the marriage, because only did nikkah.
That's y I am asking I was resisting from last 5 years and I think it would not be easy for my self to adjust b/c I don't have feelings towards her.
Now it's a sinful act if I quit. Definitely it's also depressing and stressful for her family. Plz suggest some use full and Islamic I am feeling very very bad and depressing last one year that I can't explain my situation. Thanks
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You are irritating me because you are saying you are sinful if you quit and I am asking you why are you assuming this as this is not true. You are better moving away from this marriage as it is not healthy for you and is not fair on your so called wife. Marriage is not a joke and the best of you are the ones that are best to their wives. It is not fair for her to be trapped in this situation and be lied to or cheated upon. If you cannot like her then you need to be honest and open up. You need to man up and confront the situation or go to someone who can help you so put an end to this. Above all like I said your creator needs to come before everyone!
 
Scimitar said:
If a marriage is not consummated within three days, the marriage is null and voided. Right?

If he consummated the marriage after that time, would it then be zina?

Scimi
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I haven't heard of there being a time limit in order to consummate the marriage. It's something that is decided between the husband and wife if they want to wait longer or not. Many people have nikkah done but it's like an "engagement" period in order to get to know each other more personally before having a wedding/publicizing the marriage.


khanjee said:
No I didn't consummate the marriage, because only did nikkah.
That's y I am asking I was resisting from last 5 years and I think it would not be easy for my self to adjust b/c I don't have feelings towards her.
Now it's a sinful act if I quit. Definitely it's also depressing and stressful for her family. Plz suggest some use full and Islamic I am feeling very very bad and depressing last one year that I can't explain my situation. Thanks
Click to expand...

Divorce is NOT A SIN. It's only disliked by Allah. However, if you have not consummated the marriage, and were not alone with the girl at all, and can't possibly see a future with her, then divorce her while it's still early to do so. If I'm correct, she will have to return half of the mahr. I will try to get some sources for you inshallah.
 
mission2succeed said:
He already said he only had the nikah done. I disagree with you just because he couldn't man up at the time and was forced into this marriage doesn't mean he has to make this marriage work. Society will talk either way and the woman his so called wife will move on in the future and insha'allah marry again as remember he hasnt touched her. No point trying to make a marrige work if your heart is not in it. The fact that the whole idea is making him depressed shows how negative he is in the first place. If anyone is to be blamed here it is his parents. The situation could be a lot worse she could have moved in with her and he could be really negative towards her. At least in this way he is giving her the opportunity to move on and himself.
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Men need to realize they don't need validation from anyone in order to get married, unlike women. Marriage is not something that you do on a whim or are "emotionally blackmailed" into doing. If you can be "pressured" into marriage, then you should not be getting married because you're not mature enough to make your own decisions. As a man and spouse, you're bringing someone else into your life who you will be responsible for for potentially the rest of your life. If you can't take on that responsibility then why agree to it? He has to realize the weight of marriage.

It was not clarified if he had consummated or not in the beginning. It makes a difference because for him to say that he does not like this girl and then to consummate the marriage with her is quite ironic, and for that part he would have no excuse cuz no one can make you consummate your marriage. But since he hasn't it doesn't matter now anyways.
 
Family members told me normally that It would be sinful to quit because u dont have any solid reason except u dont like her thats y i was asking
 
You were coerced into marrying her. That makes it entirely legitimate for you to divorce. The sin in on those who coerced you, and if they end up losing face publicly because of it, then the judgment of the Lord is true and just. ;D
 
khanjee said:
Family members told me normally that It would be sinful to quit because u dont have any solid reason except u dont like her thats y i was asking
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I'm guessing it's the same family members that told you to marry her lol. You can feel relieved in knowing its not sinful, and you do not have to be with someone you genuinely don't want to be with. It's not fair on the both of you, because if you did marry her and did not give her her rights as a wife and mistreated her, then you will for sure be in the wrong and probably get sins for it. So if you don't want to be with her, then divorcing her would be the right thing to do in this case.
 
khanjee said:
Family members told me normally that It would be sinful to quit because u dont have any solid reason except u dont like her thats y i was asking
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Ibn Muflih al-Hanbali (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want. Shaykh Taqiy al-Deen (i.e., Ibn Taymiyah – may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Neither of the parents has the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses then he is not sinning by disobeying them, because no one has the right to force him to eat food he finds off-putting when there is food that he wants to eat, and marriage is like that and more so. Food that one is forced to eat is unpleasant for a short while, but a forced marriage lasts for a long time, and it harms a person and he cannot leave it. End quote.
Al-Adaab al-Shar’iyyah (1/447)

Go talk to an imam bro.



*charisma* said:
Men need to realize they don't need validation from anyone in order to get married, unlike women. Marriage is not something that you do on a whim or are "emotionally blackmailed" into doing. If you can be "pressured" into marriage, then you should not be getting married because you're not mature enough to make your own decisions. As a man and spouse, you're bringing someone else into your life who you will be responsible for for potentially the rest of your life. If you can't take on that responsibility then why agree to it? He has to realize the weight of marriage.
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Men are not born with innate ability to be "Men". The personality of each individual person is based on their upbringing and environment. How he turns out will depend on how much opportunity and freedom he was given to develop those "manly" qualities. If he has bossy sisters and helicopter mom then don't expect a man down the road.
 
khanjee said:
aslam o alikum

islam gives right to muslims to choose their own wife, but my mother and women's of family emotionally black mailed me to marry my first cousin after resistance of 5 years by myself . I didn't have any feelings towards her
very very unfortunate i got scared, emotionally blackmail etc and i did nikkah (no rukshti) and said yes under pressure. I liked my other cousin and wanted to marry her as this was my right and told my mother several times but she didn't heard and every time put some illogical reason as normally women's do.
Now 1 year passed but i'm going to go crazy, very very depressed, angry and nothing is good for me and even dont enjoy any thing at all. Someone please give me some advice!
Click to expand...

oh please !!! They never hold a gun to your head

be a man and take responsibility !!!!

Tired of this issue "emotionally blackmailed" nonsense - seen it too many times

the bottom line is said yes at that nikah mate