Family Pressure on arranged marriage

[AnonymousPoster]

well i dont know where to start i suppose im lost that is why im here just wanted to get guidance and well help, it come to that point where my parent want me to get married off and well the person that they want me to get wedded to is well my first cousin, this is a person i grew up with and as my family is close when we were young we used to see eachother everyday, and the funny thing is that she dont of this plan that my father and her father made, i would tell her but she in her last year of uni, i tried to speak to my mom and she was like dont tel me how u feel it will upset me, tried to speak to my father that i did not agree with this they just turned sayig dont you dare ruin this for him, and that if i dont agree then im dead to him and must leave, now ive been keeping busy and well the mask that i wear infront of the family is becoming hard to wear, as inside im slowly dieing, it feels like im screaming and no-one hears me,it like everyone is just carrying on what they are doing, if that makes sense, dont get me wrong i tried to think what life would be like with her, it wouldnt work, cause i would be pretending to be something else, now i dont want to live my life as a lie, i havnt been sleeping much either, there have been countless nights where i just lie, and sometime when i do sleep i have the same dream, where i somehow kill myself and i wake up with a deep gasp, i tried to talk to my family but they made me feel like i was the wrong one, im just soo lost, and i dont have no one to turn to and i feel if i do marry her then i would not be me, my father is a stuborn man and he wouldnt listen to anyone, the pain i feel is growing that i dont even talk to my parents now, i suppose im writing this just to find out what people thinks i should do

well thank you for reading my story

 

[Woodrow]

Thread aproved for postng

 

[Eeman]

Salam alaikum bro...

first off i just want to say that i am really sorry to hear that you are going through this Wallah i am and i just pray that Allah swt helps you out and makes this hardship easy for you and disposes your affairs for you Insha'Allah.

Bro have you done your istikhara yet?
i firtsly would suggest that you do your istikhara and ask Allah swt for guidance cos only He is the best guide of all.

then i suggest that you te some time out and really ponder about things...
look all im gonna say to you is this bro, if your not happy now then you are not going to be when you get married to your cousin and n when you have children with her.
to me it just seems that you truly are not happy with this sitaution and really believe that she is not the one for you...

but still none the less saying that i suggest yo sit down and ponder and think and reflect hard why you dont see her being your future wife?
why are you not happy about this prospect?
is it cos it is her that you dont see yourself with?
or is it cos you feel that you are not yet ready for marriage or any sort of commitment?
is there someone else in your life?

bro as far as i have come across arrange marriages where the male and female or either one is not happy with it then it usually does not work, but then saying that Masha'Allah there are some marriages that are arranged and do work.
but from what you tell us,this is your cousin and you know her since childhood so its not even the matter where your worried about what your future spouse looks like cos you have neer seen her, now is it the case that you dot even know her or what she is like and are worried cos you dont know whether you will click or not.

you actually know this person and have grown up with her, there are some people that no matter how hard you try you just cannot or do not see them in that way...

i mean for instance i'll give you an exapmle of myelf, i know that in our deen marrying your cousin is permitted and there is nothing wrong with that no matter what the view the western society holds, as some may put it oh its incest. but with me i have always seen my male cousins as my brothers cos that is just the way since childhood i have seen them and treated them and vice versa, so growing up the thought of thembeing a prospective spouse for me has not even crossed my mind cos it would have never i mean who thinks about marryig their brothers????? Hmmmm saying that some pople do Tawbah

but the point i am trying to make is that if you truly and genuinely are not happy to the point where it is resulting you stress and you not talking to your parents etc, then i'm sorry but no one can force you. It is not permitted in islam for parents to force directly or indirectly (which is what your parents are doing through emotional balckmail) their children to have arranged marriages.

yes i know the complications, your family is Masha'Allah close and your parents will not speak to you, they will be hurt your mum will be very hurt and your dad out of his stubborness may even kick you out and disown you...

but hold on a sec who is in the wrong here? YOU? cos you dont want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you know you wont be happy with?

or your family? who are indirectly forcing you to marry someone they have chosen, your lifelong partner NOT theirs and are emotionally blackmailing you? I'm sorry but being a stubborn person is not an ideal muslim characteristic so your father can be as stubborn as he feels to be but he is only doing himself wrong and causing problems in your family.

Are you going to be getting married to your cousin for the sake of Allah swt?
or for thake of pleasing your family and not letting them down cos they are leaving you not a nice choice?

just have a think about it, marriage is something that is encouaged in our deen NO DOUBT and it is better for one to get married quite young but at the same time mature and independent enough to provide for a family.
marriage is us completing half of our deen it is a beautiful constitution and has many virtues to it, but that one wrong move and i swear being stuck in a marriage you are not happy with makes one's life absolute hell.

if the reasons for you being against this marriage is cos you feel that you are not ready yet or may be commitment phobic then i suggest that you rethink and sit down with your cousin with a family member present and get to know her more, her opinions and views on this matter, if she is a righteous sister that will make a devout and loving caring wife to you then why throw the opportunity away?

but if you just do not see her in that way and cannot bring yourself to see her in that way or have someone else that you would like to get married to then i suggest you stand your ground and tell your parents straight up.
cos your not doing anythng wrong there whatsoever. and Allah swt will be with you all the way Insha'Allah, bro make loads of dua and ask Allah swt to guide you.
Do your istikhara as soon as bro and i swear to you that Insha'Allah He will guide you to what is best for you, if she is written for you then He will bestow your marriage with many many barakahs Insha'Alla if not then it will not happen.

I pray that everything works for the best for you and that Allah swt guides you Insha'Allah.

wa salam

 

[Tania]

Despite of all romance movies and literature, behind every marriage which works its a friendship. I believe thats why your parents decided to marry with your cousin because they saw this friednship how grew up. The crush and other lovely feelings dissapear in time and are not really a good basis for a lasting marriage. Don't go for big feelings like LOVe, because even this love its not well defined and look around how many which married for LOVE are not happy at all or even are divorced at this hour.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

lol you dont have to marry her bro.

you already tried telling them, now its just a matter of time before they realise you meant it.


relax, no ones forcing you here ! if that was me i would just have told them to have fun planning a wedding which wont ever take place n left it at that

 

[Sahabiyaat]

have you tried talking to your cousin, tell her whats going on, poor thing will probably feels exactly the same way, however if shes feels the opposite, you, r in trouble

but as long as she knows your resentment, she isnt going to be too keen on it and it probably wont happpen!

 

[qassy!]

salam brother

you dont have to marry her if you dont want to. I am guessing your in ur 20's? i mean stand on your own 2 feet now your a man!

 

[Fatima001]

Salaam,
im realli sorry to hear what;s happening with u nd i noe my advice wuldnt sound very good 2 u because in situations like this people like sympathy.
But i will like to say that maybe u should agree to the marriage. If your parents have chosen a girl i guess they have looked at many factors and it is sort of good that you know her very well because adjusting with a stranger is way harder.
I do not think that its worth it to anger your parents and embaress them in front of your relatives.
You cannot be sure that it will not work out and if you have a fight with your parents and end up getting married to someone of your choice it would not be worth it. Your parents must come first. Try talking to the girl but i would advice you to go ahead with the marriage and try to enjoy the relationship with your cousin.
May allah guide you to the right path.

 

[*Hana*]

Salaam,
im realli sorry to hear what;s happening with u nd i noe my advice wuldnt sound very good 2 u because in situations like this people like sympathy.
But i will like to say that maybe u should agree to the marriage. If your parents have chosen a girl i guess they have looked at many factors and it is sort of good that you know her very well because adjusting with a stranger is way harder.
I do not think that its worth it to anger your parents and embaress them in front of your relatives.
You cannot be sure that it will not work out and if you have a fight with your parents and end up getting married to someone of your choice it would not be worth it. Your parents must come first. Try talking to the girl but i would advice you to go ahead with the marriage and try to enjoy the relationship with your cousin.
May allah guide you to the right path.

Salam:

He IS on the right path...his parents are NOT!! He's not happy with the choice THEY made and they are trying to force him. Please provide one bit of proof where forcing him is acceptable in Islam!! Your advice to the brother is 100% wrong. Parents can and should look for a potential spouse, but his parents are trying to force him and this is WRONG.

Brother, I advise you not to marry this girl and your parents will simply deal with your decision and get over it in time. We don't want to intentionally hurt our parents, but that door swings both ways and when they are behaving outside the teachings of Islam, it's up to you to follow the path that Islam teaches and that is exactly what you are doing.

Be strong and firm in your decision to not marry this girl regardless of arrangements others have made without either of your consent.

May Allah, swt, ease your sadness in this difficult time and give you the strength to stand up to those who try to oppress you. Ameen

Wasalam,
Hana

 

[Ansariyah]

They can't force you...

because Allah and his Messenger have forbidden it.

Tell ur father that this is ur life and that it's you who has to decide who u want to spend the rest of ur life with cause it wont be him who has to wake up next to ur cousin for the rest of ur life it'll be YOU.

If the thought of that doesn't bring you happiness, except the distress and the sadness u feel. You should make it known to ur family "loud n clear" that this is NOT what u want until they get it. You can still be a good son and do this. Allah loves the one who speaks the truth, DO that.

May ALlah grant u strength n grant u happiness ameen.

 

[Malaikah]

and the funny thing is that she dont of this plan that my father and her father made, i would tell her but she in her last year of uni,

She don't what?? You've skipped a word I think, and I'm not sure what you mean. It's intergral to the meaning... does she not know about it? Maybe if she found out she would object and her father will allow the marriage to be cancelled and you don't have worry about your own parents then?

Also, what is the relevance of her being in her last year of uni?

I pray that Allah guides your parents! Make a lot of dua brother - it is Ramadan - ask Allah for His help. It's such a sad situation you are in, may Allah help you!