Family problem with mother..

[Danibcs]

Dear brothers and sisters,
May peace be on all of you.

I have read many posts in this forum and they way people help each other with their sincerely advise really admire me and encouraged me to post my problem here.

I have some big problems with my mother since i got married one and half year back. Right after the first night of my marriage she is behaving strange. What she feels i really can describe but she act horribly(like person do in hysteria) quite often seeing me with my wife. She really dislikes my wife. Always complaining about her and do not even like to communicate with her. And use very abusive language for me and her.

In last one year, this is happening again and again, i try to settle her down for few days but again one day i come to know that she took the sleeping pills by saying this that she cant bear my wife and me with her so she should have asleep to avoid any conflict. In fact going out in market to buy pills and taking pill has became her routine. And when ever she do it .. then the next few day become hell for all of us at home.

When ever I tried to take her to psychiatrist. she oppose it too much and do not go to doctor. By chance if i get any success she avoid taking medicine by behaving/acting normally.

Last day she has done all the loud shouting and abusing at midnight and left the house and went to our home town house to live there alone. I have tried so may ways, politely, harshly, etc but not coming up with any solution to this problem. I am feeling like i am either going to lose my mother or my wife.

So i request you brothers and sisters, who have some idea of such a situation please advise me what to do. I my self feeling very disappointed and depressed.

Jazakumullah khair
Best Regards

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

you dont need to loose either. you just need to find out what the cause of the problem is and deal with it in a mature/non-emotive manner.

seeing you with your wife may hurt your mother and stir feelings of jealousy. excuse the potentially offensive question, but is your mother divorced or did your parents have a bad marriage? if this is the case, you as her son may have become some sort of pillar for her if your dad wasn't there for her...so naturally she is going to be very attached to you.

i suggest you move out so that either party doesn't get hurt/to avoid conflict but at the same time don't cut ties with your mother and visit her often. if you do live separately, and there is still problems, deal with your mother in kind manner (don't raise your voice over her it just causes more problems) and likewise your wife in a kind manner. both are ignorant and feel that you belong solely to them alone...try not to lean too much to either side and try to understand things from both perspectives.

don't show affection to your wife in front of your mother and like wise don't show affection to your mother in front of your wife. don't take sides with either of them in front of the other (even in the case where you know one is in the wrong) otherwise this will just hurt both of them

if a situation arises where you have to take your mothers side in front of your wife, reassure your wife that you love her-she will feel hurt and bruised in the case where she may be in the right and you didn't take her side.

dont get tired or restless in dealing with either party-they are both your family now and you just have to take it as it comes and deal as justly as you can with both parties.

if you feel either party is accusing the other unjustfully, speak to them and advice them in a kind manner- you are her son she will listen to you and you are her husband, she will also listen to you.

When ever I tried to take her to psychiatrist. she oppose it too much and do not go to doctor. By chance if i get any success she avoid taking medicine by behaving/acting normally.

probably because she knows there is nothing wrong with her and feels that you aren't taking her seriously :hmm: i think the problem isn't so much "mother-in-law/daughter-in-law issues" but your lack of patience and knowledge on how to deal with it.

 

[Snowflake]

I think you should see a scholar brother. Your mother's behaviour is different from common mother-in-law jealousy. Trying to rectify things yourself could make it worse. Please seek advise from someone knowledgeable inshaAllah.



:wa:

 

[Danibcs]

Ummu Sufyaan,

Thanks for your reply,
My parents had not a bad marriage and she is not divorced. But my father has died 8 years back. And as i m her eldest son, she is relaying very much on me(financially socially etc)..

She herself told me once or twice, that she sees my father into me.. specially when i be with my wife.
It would be very nice if you and others can comment about the possible solution to my mother's problem. I am really stuck.

Also please suggest, should I(with my wife) live separately from my mother
(Which is not acceptable to my mother though) or not.

Thanks and regards

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

I am sorry to hear the situation you are in, and hope that Allaah makes it easy for you all. May Allaah help your mother to accept your marriage. Brother, if you have sincerely and totally tried everything with your mother from giving her alot of time, attention, love, care, support, and counseling to strengthen her Eemaan and connection with Allaah, advice and help, and even to the extent that you and your wife have separated for a short while to give your mother time to adjust, and you pray to Allaah every night, and you have even told your mother that no woman will ever take the special place she has in your heart, and to please fear Allaah, and to not put you in such a difficult situation etc , but your mother is still going into hysteria and wont accept your wife, then perhaps you should try these few options according to your situation and circumstances.

a) Focus on helping your mother strengthen her connection with Allaah and turn to Him, because without Eemaan and fear of Allaah, we cannot handle our emotions.


b) Take your mother for Umrah or Hajj. Either you or one of your other siblings.

c) Keep your mother and wife separate, and visit your mother frequently.

d) Help your mother to get busy in her life so she will not focus on your life, as that is very unhealthy for her.

e) You will need a lot of understanding and support from your wife.

Remember that you are the figure of authority in the house, after the father dies. It is your duty to protect your mother and your wife, give them both their rights and not allow any party to hurt the other.

May Allaah help you to do that, and make your affairs easy for you and bless your home. Aameen

 

[Salahudeen]

Hard situation to be in, stuck between a rock and a hard place. sisters gave some good advice, and it could be that your mother is feeling jealous especially if you two had a very close relationship before you got married.

 

[Danibcs]

:salamext:

a) Focus on helping your mother strengthen her connection with Allaah and turn to Him, because without Eemaan and fear of Allaah, we cannot handle our emotions.

d) Help your mother to get busy in her life so she will not focus on your life, as that is very unhealthy for her.

What may be the possible ways of achieving the above an examples to guide me.

Regards

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Ummu Sufyaan,

Thanks for your reply,
My parents had not a bad marriage and she is not divorced. But my father has died 8 years back. And as i m her eldest son, she is relaying very much on me(financially socially etc)..

that could explain it then. if she sees you with your wife (and you happen to be the closest of her children to her), it may stir memories and a longing for something that has passed. this is one of the reason why you shouldn't show affection to your wife in front of our mother and vise versa. other than the needessness not to know these things, it tends to have a negative affect either way.

do you have other siblings that could help you look after her? perhaps get someone she looks up to and will listen to (such as one of her other children or one of her siblings/friends) to speak to her and reassure her and explain things to her? also, as Sister Scents of Jannah suggested speak to a scholar about your situation.

i personally don't know what to advice to be honest since i don't know the details of the situation and don't want to risk advising the wrong thing.

if your mother gets angry, don't speak back to her in a harsh tone as this only makes the situation worse. when you speak kindly back to people when they are shouting an screaming at you, you subdue the situation and this is when they are more likely to listen. if she sees that you are calm, she will remain calm and likewise if she sees you are angry she will get defensive.

about her being on medication, unless it is for an illness, get her off them because this will make her feel that you aren't understanding her but rather taking her as a joke.

you said they are like co-wives. as odd as it sounds, treat the situation like that. both your mother and wife are a pillar for you, and both depend on you and it is wrong of you to lean too much towards the other, whilst being inconsiderate and oblivious to how the other feels. your mother didn't raise you to be slapped in the face and your father in law didn't give you his daughter to be neglected either.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

What may be the possible ways of achieving the above an examples to guide me.

Regards

a) go with her to lectures/suggest some that she can go to by herself/with her friends
b) get her to meet new people? and/or meet up with/vist her current friends more often?

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

Brother, based upon the little bit that you have told us, we can make some general suggestions - but you will hv to decide which can be applied in your situation, as you are more familiar with your circumstances than we are. I pray that Allaah helps you to reach the best decision.

Like some other members have suggested, if you have siblings or relatives who can support you and help your mother realize what she is doing, that could be the first step. And like I mentioned previosuly, you will need the understanding and support from your wife to handle your mother correctly. Your mother is quite possessive over you and is not able to handle the fact that you are giving another woman attention. Some children can behave similar too, when they are raised by a lone parent who decides to marry again. It is also similar to what the first child may go through, when the parents have a second child. Some react in an extremely possessive and jealous manner. Understand where it is coming from, and with the correct handling, these behaviors can change. However, if we don't handle it correctly, they can worsen.

I have put my reply in steps as it is easier that way:

1) Practical ways to Strengthen your mothers connection with Allaah

a) Perhaps you could allocate a special time where you personally sit with your mother and read the Prophets :arabic5: biography together. Or attend an Islamic course with her or request someone else too.

b) Always keep lectures and good Eemaan boosting talks in your car or Qur'aan which you can your family can listen to every time they go for a drive.

c) Persuade her to join a Qur'aan tafsir class.

d) Talk about Paradise and Hell, the Afterlife, the grave etc with her.

e) Encourage her to guard her 5 daily prayers

2) Keeping her busy:

The above will keep her busy too, but here are a few more suggestions

Perhaps you can find someone for her to marry.

Get her involved in her community.

Tell her about the state of the Ummah and give her a project to do which will help them e.g. Cooking food selling it at fundraisers to collect money for Gaza etc

Help her. Praise her a lot for her work.

3) Limit the Jealousy factor

Jealousy can be prevented to a certain extent if we act wisely. As some members have mentioned, do not show any sort of appreciation of your wife infront of your mother. To add to that, remember that your mother does not have a companion in her life and will feel the absence of this, especially when living with someone who has a partner. You might do this already... when you come home from work, go to your mother first before you go to your wife. As the mother is an elder and has a very high position in Islam, she should be given this appreciation and respect. Plus, it helps ease the Jealousy factor when the mother knows her son came to her first, before greeting his wife.

In the presence of your mother, do not defend your wife or praise her. If your mother speaks bad of her, just sympathize with her and say I know, but I have married her now. I had to marry someone. But don't worry mum, you are the most beloved to me and I won't let her upset you. Tactfully distract her if you can.

4) Communication and Counselling

Other than the above, your mother will need constant reminders and pep talk whenever you get the opportunity. Reassure her that you are her son and will always love her. Request other family members and friends to help her realize that her behavior towards her son and daughter in law is very wrong. Remind her of the days when she was someone's daughter in law, and to please fear Allaah. She needs to be reminded that by continuing with his behavior she is listening to the shaytaan, and will only end up hurting herself. Hug her and tell her that you are concerned about her and do not want her to put herself in a position where Allaah is angry with her for this is the worst of positions to be in. Unless she has a legitimate reason not to like your wife, tell her to please not put you in such a difficult situation, and if she is your mother and she loves you, then to please tolerate your wife. Hold your head in your hands if you have to, or walk away quietly. Be firm, but do not be rude to her. Get other people to advise her that she might lose her son if she continues behaving unfairly.

Insha' Allaah, I hope that by these small changes, her behavior will improve.

This will require a lot of your patience and strength of character, but with supplication and Salah, Allaah will help you. Remember, in life we will always be tested. Sometimes, through loss of life, sometimes through loss of wealth, sometimes through parents, and sometimes through children etc. These trials, if we accept them, teach us to be better people in life, and raise our ranks and rewards in the life to come (hereafter). So do not be sad brother, and always remember if you seek Allaah's :arabic2: assistance, He will assist you.

I pray that Allaah fills your home with peace, happiness and security, in this life and the next. Our du'aas are with you.

 

[Danibcs]

Thanks piXie and Ummu Sufyaan.
:exhausted
piXie, what you have suggested I am already practicing almost all the only missing thing that i had not managed is what you have described in Practical ways to Strengthen your mothers connection with Allah.

Here i would like to mention one thing... that she become out of control most of the time when she see know that me and my wife have sleep together. I am unable to describe her mental and physical situation. Her eye's white portion becomes more white and clear then before, and she seems to be in a hystaria condition shouting and mourning at loud voice and try to beat me.
Some time she weeps bitterly in this condition and says that i have died. This condition of her is coming right from the 2nd day of my marriage. I am not yet able to change her mind and make her clear that i am a married man and i have some duties specific to my wife. It is been near two years, i have 7 month child now but her condition does not change.

She has now left the house and gone to the village(our home town) to stay there alone. She is not ready to live separately with in same city. She is very emotional.. and she always try to manuplate the things in a wrong manner. She is in village.. alone and don't want to meet me ...If i intend to live separate.
Besides this .. her mental and physical condition is not good.

I dont know how much she do all this out of mind or knowing every thing. Please pray for her.

Regards.

 

[piXie]

Brother, if this is the reality then perhaps it would be wise that you get a separate place for your wife where your mother cannot see hers and your lives. As this is what brings on the hysteria, perhaps this option will be best for your mum, you, and your wife and child. From what it sounds like, your mother is not in a stable mental state. Even though she says she does not want to meet you, I think you should persuade and convince her to let you meet her regularly or perhaps staying with her for a while to see to her and give her the correct help she needs. If not and she wont allow it, perhaps you can get someone else to stay with her, while you keep an eye on her from afar, until she is ready to meet you.

If it is okay to ask, how was your mothers behavior prior to your marriage? Have there ever been indications of emotional behavior before, over other reasons?

Insha' Allaah, things will get better. Our du'aas are with your mother and the rest of you.

 

[Danibcs]

If it is okay to ask, how was your mothers behavior prior to your marriage? Have there ever been indications of emotional behavior before, over other reasons?.

She always have a personality which wants to dominate others. She did not had good relations with the elders of her husbands family. Her father in law, mother in law. But it was not so in continues. She remains ok for a long time but quite often she fell into the state where she become cruelly. She always used to fight with her husband and his relatives in the same manner on any of the point which makes him annoyed. I feel this is physiological issue which have very deep past and has become a permanent phenomena of her personality and life.

 

[cat eyes]

4) Communication and Counselling

Other than the above, your mother will need constant reminders and pep talk whenever you get the opportunity. Reassure her that you are her son and will always love her. Request other family members and friends to help her realize that her behavior towards her son and daughter in law is very wrong. Remind her of the days when she was someone's daughter in law, and to please fear Allaah. She needs to be reminded that by continuing with his behavior she is listening to the shaytaan, and will only end up hurting herself. Hug her and tell her that you are concerned about her and do not want her to put herself in a position where Allaah is angry with her for this is the worst of positions to be in. Unless she has a legitimate reason not to like your wife, tell her to please not put you in such a difficult situation, and if she is your mother and she loves you, then to please tolerate your wife. Hold your head in your hands if you have to, or walk away quietly. Be firm, but do not be rude to her. Get other people to advise her that she might lose her son if she continues behaving unfairly.

Insha' Allaah, I hope that by these small changes, her behavior will improve.

This will require a lot of your patience and strength of character, but with supplication and Salah, Allaah will help you. Remember, in life we will always be tested. Sometimes, through loss of life, sometimes through loss of wealth, sometimes through parents, and sometimes through children etc. These trials, if we accept them, teach us to be better people in life, and raise our ranks and rewards in the life to come (hereafter). So do not be sad brother, and always remember if you seek Allaah's :arabic2: assistance, He will assist you.

I pray that Allaah fills your home with peace, happiness and security, in this life and the next. Our du'aas are with you.

i like this piece of advice sister pixie gave. remind her of the days when she once was a daughter in law.

brother im just curious to know that what is your wife like in terms of deen? is she religious? because sometimes mothers become like this if there daughter in law is to modern.

Id also get her assessed by reliable imam. it could be black magic i say this because of the abuse she is throwing at you and your wife. btw i would not be leaving your mother alone either if she is mentally unwell then leave your wife and spend long holiday with her its probably what she needs. i agree that your wife should be kind and supportive. mental illness is real and the person needs all the support they can get.

i believe what she has is depression due to the death of your father. i will keep you and your family in my duas inshallah

 

[Danibcs]

i like this piece of advice sister pixie gave. remind her of the days when she once was a daughter in law.

brother im just curious to know that what is your wife like in terms of deen? is she religious? because sometimes mothers become like this if there daughter in law is to modern.

Id also get her assessed by reliable imam. it could be black magic i say this because of the abuse she is throwing at you and your wife. btw i would not be leaving your mother alone either if she is mentally unwell then leave your wife and spend long holiday with her its probably what she needs. i agree that your wife should be kind and supportive. mental illness is real and the person needs all the support they can get.

i believe what she has is depression due to the death of your father. i will keep you and your family in my duas inshallah

My wife is not religious at all. Infect i also feel it too much. She was the choice of my mother and not mine. I did not like her for marriage. but I did so because of my mother.

Now the condition is such that .. I have brought back my mother last night .. and she is now with my while my wife is with her parents. My wife is not willing to live with my mother any more.. but my mother is asking to bring her back. So i am seriously looking forward for your advice what should i do. I have following options in my mind.

1 - I should divorce my wife. (The root cause of the problem will be eliminated.. And after my younger brother got job and support my mother financially then i can think for the 2nd marriage. )

2 - Or i should try to live separately from my wife with my mother for an year or two (What my wife is asking).

3 - I should bring my wife back .. knowing that my wife will not be able to build a good relation with my mother and the same problem will raise once again.

 

[piXie]

Option one: how will the root cause be eliminated by you divorcing your wife and marrying a second time?

Option two: What about after that though, your wife cannot continue to live with her parents while you live with your mum.

Option 3: you are most probably right.

Brother, non of these options seem to be solving the problem. If your mother is advising you based upon her emotions, and you are listening to her, you will not solve your misery or problems, but only increase them further. You cannot marry a woman because your mother says, and then leave her because she cannot bear to see you married, and then bring her back when your mother calls her. Its not right to do that to someone, especially when there are children involved.

I understand this may be very hard for you, especially as you have mentioned that your mother is quite dominating, but you still have to do the right thing. After all, you are married now and have a responsibility to your wife and son too. I pray that Allaah helps you and guides you all.

 

[anonymous]

put your foot down and eliminate anyone meddling/knowing about certain aspects of your marriage that they shouldn't know about and take your problems from there.

 

[Danibcs]

AOA,

Soon after my mother went to the home town to live alone, She tried to contact me through different persons and asked me to bring her back. I meet her and discussed the things in a very cool environment once again. She told me that she lost her mind and never want to do what she had done intentionally and normally and so she wants things to get normal once again.
This is almost dozens of times happened in the same manner. All she do (with or without her mind in control) and soon after she wants every thing to be slatted again. While being very close to her and being her son i feel its me moral duty every time to feel her request true. So I am asking my wife to live normally once again. But my wife seems to be loosing her patients and moreover respect for my mother.
This to and fro phenomenon of my mother's behavior is been observed since my child hood and moreover my relatives who are elder also tells me that this mental behavior is present in my mother since her childhood. When i tried to asked my mother very politely that why this is so, She told me that may be she had bad influence on her mind during her child hood due to the behavior of her father with her mother in the night. She told me that his father came drunk in house in the night and her mother and her father used to abuse and fight with each other in very bad manner. But in the morning when the effects of the alcohol removed, every thing went to normal.

So, besides her jealousy for my wife for our husband wife relationship, I feel that she might be mentally not healthy. And so it always dont allow me to take any hard step like separation etc. I am trying to find a good psychiatrist for her and also trying to seek some help through recitation of different wazaife told by a religious person. Meanwhile i am trying to bring back my wife too on the track of harmony for my mother.

What you people think.. If i am on the right track or not.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

AOA,

Soon after my mother went to the home town to live alone, She tried to contact me through different persons and asked me to bring her back. I meet her and discussed the things in a very cool environment once again. She told me that she lost her mind and never want to do what she had done intentionally and normally and so she wants things to get normal once again.
This is almost dozens of times happened in the same manner. All she do (with or without her mind in control) and soon after she wants every thing to be slatted again. While being very close to her and being her son i feel its me moral duty every time to feel her request true. So I am asking my wife to live normally once again. But my wife seems to be loosing her patients and moreover respect for my mother.
This to and fro phenomenon of my mother's behavior is been observed since my child hood and moreover my relatives who are elder also tells me that this mental behavior is present in my mother since her childhood. When i tried to asked my mother very politely that why this is so, She told me that may be she had bad influence on her mind during her child hood due to the behavior of her father with her mother in the night. She told me that his father came drunk in house in the night and her mother and her father used to abuse and fight with each other in very bad manner. But in the morning when the effects of the alcohol removed, every thing went to normal.

So, besides her jealousy for my wife for our husband wife relationship, I feel that she might be mentally not healthy. And so it always dont allow me to take any hard step like separation etc. I am trying to find a good psychiatrist for her and also trying to seek some help through recitation of different wazaife told by a religious person. Meanwhile i am trying to bring back my wife too on the track of harmony for my mother.

What you people think.. If i am on the right track or not.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my brother no matter what your mother puts you through always remember there is only one of her. Our mothers have been given high status by Allah which means that no matter what they say or do to us we cannot even say "uff" to them. Your mother is elderly now and this has been a life time habit in her instilled in her from an early age due to her bad experiences so knowing this remain patient and steadfast and also be very supportive of your wife for what she is also going through.

Your mother is at a delicate mental state so do not abandon her but be there for her for there is great reward in this. Do it for the pleasure of Allah and ask of Allah to help your mother.

Take her to psychiatrist and also to a learned scholar to ensure there is no effect of sihr. Also if you can then try to put her in the furthest place in the house so that she does not come into contact with your wife or you late at night. Take advice from professionals and aalim but never abandon your mother as she only has you and is reliant upon you for emotional support.

Be very sympathetic towards your wife to and always ask her how she is feeling and be there for her. Inshallah your mothers condiction will improve and may Allah reward you and your wife for your patience.Ameen

and Allah knows best on all matters

 

[cat eyes]

AOA,

Soon after my mother went to the home town to live alone, She tried to contact me through different persons and asked me to bring her back. I meet her and discussed the things in a very cool environment once again. She told me that she lost her mind and never want to do what she had done intentionally and normally and so she wants things to get normal once again.
This is almost dozens of times happened in the same manner. All she do (with or without her mind in control) and soon after she wants every thing to be slatted again. While being very close to her and being her son i feel its me moral duty every time to feel her request true. So I am asking my wife to live normally once again. But my wife seems to be loosing her patients and moreover respect for my mother.
This to and fro phenomenon of my mother's behavior is been observed since my child hood and moreover my relatives who are elder also tells me that this mental behavior is present in my mother since her childhood. When i tried to asked my mother very politely that why this is so, She told me that may be she had bad influence on her mind during her child hood due to the behavior of her father with her mother in the night. She told me that his father came drunk in house in the night and her mother and her father used to abuse and fight with each other in very bad manner. But in the morning when the effects of the alcohol removed, every thing went to normal.

So, besides her jealousy for my wife for our husband wife relationship, I feel that she might be mentally not healthy. And so it always dont allow me to take any hard step like separation etc. I am trying to find a good psychiatrist for her and also trying to seek some help through recitation of different wazaife told by a religious person. Meanwhile i am trying to bring back my wife too on the track of harmony for my mother.

What you people think.. If i am on the right track or not.

so your mum came from a very dysfunctional family like mine this is the problem then.

this is why she is not behaving like mother in law should. then the depression that shes suffering from do not make any thing any easier.

brother i am afraid if you don't get your mother help things will only get worse. it will cause you and your wife to divorce maybe now or years down the line if your wife has kids even and your life is going to be turned up side down too if your wife leaves with your kids so this dysfunctional family cycle keeps running.

you could end up even getting depression yourself or possibly your wife... in many cases this happens too. i think she needs medication honestly

you might be in for a tough ride so you have to be patient inshallah and will keep you in my duas