Father -vs - Husband

[AnonymousPoster]

My husband and my father had a disagreement. It's rather complicated so I'll cut tothe chase. to the heart of the issue.

My husband HATES my father, with a passion. He gets so angry any time my father is even remotely mentioned. He gets so upset that he yells and curses at me, calling me names, saying I'm evil, that my whole family is evil, trash. He insists on refering to my father as Garbage, and if show in anyway that that upsets me, he gets even more angry.

He doesn't want me to ever see him again, and if we have kids, they will not be allowed to see him, which means they will never see the rest of my family either. He also said I can't talk to him again either (when my father called me, it got him all upset) So now I don't know what to do.

I understand that what my father said upset my husband. But I don't understand this continous burning hatred of him. They are both stubborn and proud, and I never imaginged that they would be great friends, but i didn't expect this.

While we were visiting my parents house, my husband showed little respect or regard for my family or thier house. He would throw trash on the floor, (he grew up with a maid, but... still) leaving half eaten meals everywhere. Make snide comments about my father and brother. Ignore them when they tried to talk to him. etc.

My husband also has a problem with smoking Marijiuanna, (and so does my father) so my husband would often go into my father's room and snatch some everyday....

then one night, some money was missing from my father's dresser. My father approached me, asking about my husband. Till this day, I'm still not sure what happened there, but my father then accused my husband. I can see his reasoning behind it, but I can also see my husbands side of it. He was incredibly insulted and called my father (and whole family) alot of names. And left, with me. I was in shock at first, I didn't know what to do. I was caught in the middle, so when he first said "We're leaving" I just stared at him blankly, trying to make my brain work. Then we left, but on the drive, my husband cussed me out for "hesitating" saying that I was choosing my father over him. I tried explaining why i paused but he is still angry about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's only getting worse. My father is ready to let it go, he was even willing to apologize (big thing for my dad) but my husband refuses to ever be in the same building as my father, and won't talk to him on the phone.

So what can i do? I know that as his wife, if my husband doesn't want me seeing someone he doesn't like, I must respect and follow that. but does it count if it is my father? In islam, parents are very important, but so is my husband. I don't want to have to cut out my entire family, but if my husband orders me to... then what? should I?

My parents never tell me to go against islam, though they themselves are not muslim. They were acctually happy when I converted, because I had finlly found what I needed. My mom especially told me that, that I had found God, and that is the best she could have asked for. She as always been supportive. My dad, if not supportive, was never against it. So, according to things I've looked up, researched, etc. Since my parents havne't tried to turn me from islam, I have a duty to them, to respect and honor them, and when the time comes to look after them...

I really need some help. I don't know what to do.

 

[Rafeeq]

Dear Sis,

You are really facing a very tense situation. If a relative from your husband side is near to you people whom he respects also, call him/her and explain this to them. Convey them that your father is willing to ask apologies and let them make your husband accept their pardon when he comes to your home.

When you find your hasband in a good mood, try to explain him that your parents are supportive and if he will forgive your father which is Sunna of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), it will increase his respect in his eyes. Allah pleases with one who forgives. And it may turn your parents accept the universal fact of Islam. This reward will also be written in his (your hasband's) book.

May Allah help you in your problems.

 

[Italianguy]

Tell them to take it outside:raging:.......let them beat the crap out of each other and get t over with!

No offense, i mean i know violence is not the answer but sometimes......

You could always rent a blowup boxing rink with the giant air boxing gloves and let them go at it? ....no one gets hurt.......unless they laugh at each other so hard one of them faints?:exhausted

 

[Italianguy]

Tell them to take it outside:raging:.......let them beat the crap out of each other and get t over with!

No offense, i mean i know violence is not the answer but sometimes......

You could always rent a blowup boxing rink with the giant air boxing gloves and let them go at it? ....no one gets hurt.......unless they laugh at each other so hard one of them faints?:exhausted

I'm sorryimsad I shouldn't be like that.

May Allah bless your family in this lifetime and the next!

 

[syilla]

i admire the way you handling things. you're not on eitheir sides but you still with your husbands . just keep being a good listener, the problem is between them not you. you may stuck in the middle but i'm sure they both loves you and understand the way you act.

inshallah it takes time for them to bond...but one day your hubby will appreciate what you're doing in keeping good relationship with your family.

at least you are not fighting on which in laws you're going to stay with during eid like most couples.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i cant stand men who verbally bash their in-laws so i'll shut up in regards to that
but is there a reason why your husband hates your dad? did your dad do anything to him?
the best thing to do in a situation like this, is dont take sides and pretend you are on both their sides (as to not hurt the other and come across as taking sides) and if you do take sides, make it only in attempt to rule justly between them. i think you should lie in this situation in attempt to make them get along. like say to your dad "my husband says...." and vise versa to your husband.

its really big of your dad to apologies to you husband, especially since he is the elder. if your husband reuses then it is his fault and his fault only. if your father is willing/has apologized, the ball is in your husbands court and if he refuses, then there is not much you can do after that.

Also encourage them to get into the deen more so that they realise that they have bigger fish to fry.

 

[Abu Zainab]

This is a very sad situation you are in sister. May Allaah remove your hardships and make your life a happy one. Just do your part .... that is lots of sujood, istighfaar, sadaqa...you know, all those goody things that a muslim should do.

Being a true muslim is like having a trump card.... you absolutely CANNOT lose....you ALWAYS win.

What your husband is doing is totally unacceptable. He has no right to shout and curse and make your life a hell. Everyone deserve to live in peace and happiness. Try your best (you may need some help from your elders here) to teach him a thing or two about religion...quote as much as you can from the Quran and Sunnah....tell him how our Prophet (alaihis salaam) used to treat his wives...how the sahaba used to treat their wives.

Does he pray (salaat) regularly? If he does not, tell him he cannot be a muslim
if he doesn't. Give him time to change. If he refuses completely or you are sure that he will never change, consider staying away from him for a while. Maybe he will come to his senses.

Just remember that Allaah is always on the side of the muhsinoon (good doers). He will never let you down. Often trials are meant to revive and "wake up"....so take this opportunity and try to be as close to Allaah as possible. Believe me...you will wake up one day with a heart full of joy without worries and problems. May Allaah show you that day very soon.

 

[جوري]

Every time your husband says something awful of your family.. recite this verse and make him recite it, if he is a Muslim:

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا الَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِالْإِيمَانِ وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّا لِّلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا رَبَّنَا إِنَّكَ رَؤُوفٌ رَّحِيمٌ {10}
​

[59:10]"O our Sustainer! Forgive us our sins, as well as those of our brethren who preceded us in faith, and let not our hearts entertain any unworthy thoughts or feelings against [any of] those who have attained to faith. O our Sustainer! Verily, Thou art compassionate, a dispenser of grace!"

I must admit I am a little annoyed to know he says such awful things of your family :raging::raging::raging:

astghfor Allah

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

My husband and my father had a disagreement. It's rather complicated so I'll cut tothe chase. to the heart of the issue.

My husband HATES my father, with a passion. He gets so angry any time my father is even remotely mentioned. He gets so upset that he yells and curses at me, calling me names, saying I'm evil, that my whole family is evil, trash. He insists on refering to my father as Garbage, and if show in anyway that that upsets me, he gets even more angry.

He doesn't want me to ever see him again, and if we have kids, they will not be allowed to see him, which means they will never see the rest of my family either. He also said I can't talk to him again either (when my father called me, it got him all upset) So now I don't know what to do.

I understand that what my father said upset my husband. But I don't understand this continous burning hatred of him. They are both stubborn and proud, and I never imaginged that they would be great friends, but i didn't expect this.

While we were visiting my parents house, my husband showed little respect or regard for my family or thier house. He would throw trash on the floor, (he grew up with a maid, but... still) leaving half eaten meals everywhere. Make snide comments about my father and brother. Ignore them when they tried to talk to him. etc.

My husband also has a problem with smoking Marijiuanna, (and so does my father) so my husband would often go into my father's room and snatch some everyday....

then one night, some money was missing from my father's dresser. My father approached me, asking about my husband. Till this day, I'm still not sure what happened there, but my father then accused my husband. I can see his reasoning behind it, but I can also see my husbands side of it. He was incredibly insulted and called my father (and whole family) alot of names. And left, with me. I was in shock at first, I didn't know what to do. I was caught in the middle, so when he first said "We're leaving" I just stared at him blankly, trying to make my brain work. Then we left, but on the drive, my husband cussed me out for "hesitating" saying that I was choosing my father over him. I tried explaining why i paused but he is still angry about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's only getting worse. My father is ready to let it go, he was even willing to apologize (big thing for my dad) but my husband refuses to ever be in the same building as my father, and won't talk to him on the phone.

So what can i do? I know that as his wife, if my husband doesn't want me seeing someone he doesn't like, I must respect and follow that. but does it count if it is my father? In islam, parents are very important, but so is my husband. I don't want to have to cut out my entire family, but if my husband orders me to... then what? should I?

My parents never tell me to go against islam, though they themselves are not muslim. They were acctually happy when I converted, because I had finlly found what I needed. My mom especially told me that, that I had found God, and that is the best she could have asked for. She as always been supportive. My dad, if not supportive, was never against it. So, according to things I've looked up, researched, etc. Since my parents havne't tried to turn me from islam, I have a duty to them, to respect and honor them, and when the time comes to look after them...

I really need some help. I don't know what to do.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah for sharing this with us sister. It is always difficult especially when the most important people in your life don't get on with each other.

In your situation its made worse by the fact that your husband smokes marijuana. My sister this is the root to many problems. Unfortunatley I myself personally know many people who smoke Marijuana and many of them are married and it really changes a person in a very bad way.

So many people downplay the effects of Marijuana but it can ruin a persons life which also effects the lives of people in that persons life.

It makes a person lazy, selfish, no determination to do anything and clouds their thinking processes and makes them moody and flip easily.

It does'nt do much good for family relations either as many of those i know of who smoke Marijuana have very bad relations with family and this is because they just lose their minds so easily and their thinking gets distorted. The fact your husband smokes this stuff is what has made him react so badly to your father.

You correctly stated that your parents are worthy of your honour and respect and your husband cannot just make you disconnect relations with your parents for no reason.

You must be firm towards him in that he should resolve the dispute with your father because they are your family and you will not stand for it that he is not getting on with your father. You should also make him realise that it is forbidden in Islam to cut the ties of kinship and that ties of kinship MUST be maintained!

You should also make him realise that this is hurting you and that he should resolve things with your father at least for your sake. If not then you must try and get a respectable and elder member of family to mediate such matters. If not then get a reliable and learned scholar involved immediatley.

What you should realise is that aswell as the psychological as well as physical effects of smoking Marijuana it is totally haram and forbidden in Islam!

My sister you must take whatever measures is necessary to ensure your husband gives up this evil as soon as possible otherwise his behaviour will deteriorate.

This is a very serious issue and your husband should have fear of Allah for his actions are destroying him and if he were to die intoxicated then he would surely die without imaan. We will be raised how we died so if he dies intoxicated then he woulkd be raised up intoxicated! Tell him is it worth the risk?

My sister continue to try and get it through to him that his actions are going to lead him to the dying with imaan as well as the grave punishment and Jahannam. But don't nag him too much as this would never work.

Try to make him realise that he should be proud to have a wife like you who is very decent and inclined towards Islam.

You should sit them down everyday even for a few minutes and read them a couple of hadith because even a little reminder everyday may impact on them positivley and eventually Allah may unseal their hearts.

You should remind them about death often and that we can die ANY second so if he were to die in the state of intoxication would he be able to bare etrnity of torture?

He is trapped and stuck in this way of life and is blocking out reality by living everyday in a daze.

You should keep reminding them that he should be making preperations for the hereafter by doing good deeds and pleasing Allah and that what he is doing right now is causing the anger of Allah and what we he do if death came to him now?

You should encourage them to visit the grave at least once a week as death is the destroyer of all pleasures. He needs to be reminded of death so that he can realise that they could die at any second.

My sister dua is the best weapon for a Muslim so make dua for them all the time and cry to Allah and he will listen to your prayers inshallah.

Tell him the next times you make a joint and before you spark it, remember that if death overcomes you whilst you are in that state then you wil die without imaan because when a person intoxicates themself imaan CANNOT stay in the body!

The first 7 part short talks are by Sheikh Ahmed Ali on Intoxication and are BRILLIANT to make those who intoxicate themselves realise the reality of what they are doing and to shock them in to giving up their evil habit.

Make sure you make him listen to all these talks! There are also talks on death, Hell fire and punishment of the grave. Once he listens to these talks reality will hit him and he will give up this evil habit inshallah let us have full hope, faith, reliance and trust in Allah.

Show them these short video clips as they are VERY effective:

[1]Sheikh Ahmed Ali, Bayan on Intoxication [Part 1]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=af1qHw4_PoM

[2]Sheikh Ahmed Ali, Bayan on Intoxication [Part 2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ew_Fdx1X0Qg

[3]Sheikh Ahmed Ali, Bayan on Intoxication [Part 3]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7-JHq6aGAo

[4]Sheikh Ahmed Ali, Bayan on Intoxication [Part 4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crg8cJAdguY

[5]Sheikh Ahmed Ali, Bayan on Intoxication [Part 5]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siyh7wsSHxY

[6]Sheikh Ahmed Ali, Bayan on Intoxication [Part 6]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwFr9cxjNps

[7]Sheikh Ahmed Ali, Bayan on Intoxication [Part 7]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgUwmuW3b14

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc

Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA

HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 1/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieX7ZQtHl0s

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 2/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK_2sVGMW08

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 3/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpmzA2hk1Bo

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 4/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km39GfL62TQ

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - The Journey of the Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAwHEXE3-n0

Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Shaykh Riyadh ul Haq

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE

Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo

 

[Muslim Woman]

....
My husband HATES my father, with a passion. He gets so angry any time my father is even remotely mentioned. He gets so upset that he yells and curses at me

these are not allowed in Islam . Your father and any other people deserves a minimum respect from him /others . Also, because of ur father , u must not be cursed.

He doesn't want me to ever see him again, and if we have kids, they will not be allowed to see him

talk to a Mufti about this issues to get the right fatwa.

While we were visiting my parents house,

when ur husband does not respect ur parent , it's better not to take him with u .

My husband also has a problem with smoking Marijiuanna,

it's haram . Tell him to quit it , consult doctor.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's only getting worse.

do u love ur husband and want to continue ur married life ? Offer Istekhaara salat and take a decision before situation gets worsen.

keep praying . May Allah help u sis.