Fighting with depression

[bintYahya]

Assalaam 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

recently I found out I have an eating disorder. It should've been more obvious; I've been to the ER a couple of times this year for IV therapy, and the reason behind my GI symptoms was most likely the fact that I restricted my diet so much. I couldn't imagine hearing those words from my doctor because I never really understood things had gotten so serious. And I always thought only people who are obsessed with their looks suffer from these conditions - and I'm not at all like that.

In my case, I think it's about trying to control something, as bad as that sounds. I've been chronically, and often quite severely, depressed despite the fact that I have found Islam. And really, Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and this perfect religion and way of life are the only reasons why I'm still here, fighting for my life in the hopes of being allowed to enter Jannah. It's quite a challenge but I welcomed it instead of submitting to my desires and choosing the easy way out. And besides, "Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear" (2:286), so how could I give up?

I've been on a roller coaster this year, going back and forth between different stages of depression. Earlier this year, after what was probably one of the most difficult times in my life, I turned to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) because I felt so weak and because I had no one else to turn to for help. I cried because I desperately wanted to find a way to change myself and my life. I was so scared. I started praying regularly. Then came summer and it became difficult to eat and sleep regularly. I had to adjust to two major changes: praying five times a day during long summer days and working in 3 shifts - both at the same time for the first time in my life.

Things at work affected me negatively. While off work, I was always alone, tired, not in the mood for anything. Constant mood changes can be so exhausting. I still prayed but it was so hard to manage without proper sleep. May Allah forgive me. Generally, I couldn't concentrate or remember things. I became withdrawn at work, which only added to my anxiety.

And the worst thing.

I started thinking about how funny or stupid my devotion to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) appears in the eyes non-Muslims. I'm a revert so I understand the other side. I have faith in my heart but often I feel like I just do what I'm commanded to do, and that awesome feeling is not there. I think you know what I mean. And it is the lack of this feeling that creates an emptiness, and it is also why I'm scared as to where I'm headed to. My faith is all I have.

I feel a little ashamed to write all of this here but I kind of want to hear what advice you might have. Professionals in this field don't really have anything to offer. They are basically giving up. They don't know about Islam, and neither am I knowledgeable enough to always find the right "tools" in the context of Islam.

May Allah reward you.

 

[YusufNoor]

Assalaam 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

recently I found out I have an eating disorder. It should've been more obvious; I've been to the ER a couple of times this year for IV therapy, and the reason behind my GI symptoms was most likely the fact that I restricted my diet so much. I couldn't imagine hearing those words from my doctor because I never really understood things had gotten so serious. And I always thought only people who are obsessed with their looks suffer from these conditions - and I'm not at all like that.

In my case, I think it's about trying to control something, as bad as that sounds. I've been chronically, and often quite severely, depressed despite the fact that I have found Islam. And really, Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and this perfect religion and way of life are the only reasons why I'm still here, fighting for my life in the hopes of being allowed to enter Jannah. It's quite a challenge but I welcomed it instead of submitting to my desires and choosing the easy way out. And besides, "Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear" (2:286), so how could I give up?

I've been on a roller coaster this year, going back and forth between different stages of depression. Earlier this year, after what was probably one of the most difficult times in my life, I turned to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) because I felt so weak and because I had no one else to turn to for help. I cried because I desperately wanted to find a way to change myself and my life. I was so scared. I started praying regularly. Then came summer and it became difficult to eat and sleep regularly. I had to adjust to two major changes: praying five times a day during long summer days and working in 3 shifts - both at the same time for the first time in my life.

Things at work affected me negatively. While off work, I was always alone, tired, not in the mood for anything. Constant mood changes can be so exhausting. I still prayed but it was so hard to manage without proper sleep. May Allah forgive me. Generally, I couldn't concentrate or remember things. I became withdrawn at work, which only added to my anxiety.

And the worst thing.

I started thinking about how funny or stupid my devotion to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) appears in the eyes non-Muslims. I'm a revert so I understand the other side. I have faith in my heart but often I feel like I just do what I'm commanded to do, and that awesome feeling is not there. I think you know what I mean. And it is the lack of this feeling that creates an emptiness, and it is also why I'm scared as to where I'm headed to. My faith is all I have.

I feel a little ashamed to write all of this here but I kind of want to hear what advice you might have. Professionals in this field don't really have anything to offer. They are basically giving up. They don't know about Islam, and neither am I knowledgeable enough to always find the right "tools" in the context of Islam.

May Allah reward you.

there's a hadeeth about a woman who went to the Prophet, pbuh, because she had fits. while she had these fits, she would tear her clothes off. when asked, the Prophet, pbuh, said, i can leave you like you are and you'll get jannah or i can pray for you to be healed. after thinking she said, can you make it so i don't tear my clothes off? the Prophet, pbuh, said, Yes!

there IS a reward for all of your suffering!

my wife has PTSD- post traumatic stress syndrome, clinical depression [bi=polar], anxiety/panic disorder and agoraphobia. REALLY bad. she's also a domestic violence survivor [multiple times] and is a suicide risk. keeping her happy helps alot, and so does being patient.

my loving wife, who i adore, might say, start a journal or even an art journal. record your thoughts and fears and the things that you go through. don't feel that you have to hide or deny what you are going through. positive affirmation for yourself is beneficial as well, but the remembrance of Allah is beneficial too! adopt Bismillah, Alhamdulillah, Subhanallah, ma sha'a Allah and in sha'a Allah into your everday speech. as much as you can. Allah is the best of healers.

seek help both Islamic-ally and medically. Muslims might not understand and clinics can seem a wee bit new age-y. just try to put everything in the context of Islam. do NOT try to deal with this by yourself.

as a revert, can your family help?

art journal link:
http://www.artistsjournals.com/instruction.htm

occupy your mind or it can occupy you.

May Allah make it easy on you and may He grant you Jannah!

:wa:

Yusuf

 

[bintYahya]

Walaikum assalam Yusuf,

may Allah help your wife, give her strength, and reward her for her hardships. She's so lucky to have a husband like you, ma sha' Allah. May Allah also give you strength to stand by her side.

I understand there is a reward for all the hardships we have in our lives but my list is kind of similar to your wife's experiences and diagnoses, so you know, there's that high risk of suicide. A'uudhu billahi. I don't really have a support system - no friends, and my family and relatives have quite literally disappeared. I'm still in contact with my mom and sister but they don't understand Islam. If I shared my thoughts and problems with them, they would probably suggest giving up the nonsense causing me so much trouble.

I will have to engage in dhikr more, in sha' Allah. Would it be weird to use Islamic phrases in front of non-Muslims, though? I'm rarely in contact with Muslims face to face.

Trying to find the best of "both worlds" feels a little overwhelming but if it is what keeps me alive, I gotta do it. I definitely need to demand that some mental health professional helps me. I don't think clinics here in Finland are so new age-y. I've started therapy at a different place, so in sha' Allah, this change will be beneficial for me.

Anyway, jazak Allah khair, brother Yusuf.

***

And the user who sent me a private message (don't know if you want your username disclosed, and I hope you come back to read this), I just found out I can't send PMs until I have a total of 50 posts. I'm wondering if there's any other way to send my reply to you...

 

[YusufNoor]

Would it be weird to use Islamic phrases in front of non-Muslims, though? I'm rarely in contact with Muslims face to face

my wife isn't a Muslim yet and SHE uses them! plus, it's always an opening for explaining Islam.

my wife's favorite, and to her most important hadeeth [from Imam an Nawaw]i:

HADITH 13
On the authority of Anas bin Malik, the servant of the messenger of Allah, that the prophet said :

"None of you [truely] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself."

p related by Bukhari and Muslim

Islam is about Love, yes we have the 5 Pillars, but this is something to contemplate AND to teach others.

I don't really have a support system - no friends, and my family and relatives have quite literally disappeared.

you NEED one.

She's so lucky to have a husband like you, ma sha' Allah

actually, it is me who is fortunate. my wife is an amazing individual. she's is a very loving, caring and giving person. she's also a genius and she teaches an art journal class and is turning into quite an artist. last night we were both exhausted, yet she spent 7 hours working on some letters that she felt i needed to have done. [when we were discussing our engagement, i met her downtown and she called me and asked if i could by lunch for a homeless couple, the woman of which has cancer. everything that she learns in her classes and groups she shares with other people. i actually feel that she is a better Muslim than us Muslims. that's a big reason why i married her. you can find peace in helping others.] she is of more benefit to me than ANYONE else has ever been. when she's worried about all of her issues and the consequences of those issues, i simple tell her that it's OK because for all of that "little stuff", i get her!

I definitely need to demand that some mental health professional helps me.

yes, yes, yes!

May Allah guide you and aid you!

:wa:

Yusuf

 

[Who Am I?]

I too have been dealing with depression and boredom in my life. I went yesterday to see a coucellor about my issues. I had never been to a therapy session before so it was a different experience for me.

 

[Ramadhan]

I too have been dealing with depression and boredom in my life. I went yesterday to see a coucellor about my issues. I had never been to a therapy session before so it was a different experience for me.

Also, don't forget to keep asking Allah, sincerely patiently persistently, to cure you from whatever illnesses you are having, including depression.
Remember He is the one who created you, and He is the one who cures you if He wills.

 

[Silver Pearl]

As-salaamu 'alaykum warahmatullaah

I come in contact with ample of patients who are classed as being depressed or on a form of anti-depressant and I've noted something. The more time you have to dwell on the things you don't have, what you're missing and how unfortunate you're, the more you become consumed in this state! We often go through periods of stress or low mood, its normal but doctors are often too quick to label individuals as depressed and prescribe them something because it is far easier and more cost effective than to send them to a psychologist and possibly therapy.

As for your eating disorder, it is most likely linked to your depressive state (though I hate using the term). Some people can't eat when they are down or stressed and again it is normal so you have to find an eating pattern that forces you to eat. Your body will eventually get used to constant episodes of eating and you'll feel hungry. Don't dwell on what you don't have or the things that are going wrong. Look on the positive aspects of your life, albeit how small it may appear to you. For every hardship you endure, there are thousands of others who would kill to be in your position. Every morning, go for a 10 minutes walk and clear your head and set goals you want to achieve...if things go pear shaped, try again!

I would also highly recommend using a journal as suggested by Yusuf. Inshaa'Allaah it goes well, keep a regular tab on your health and mental state and if you're on any anti-depressants, be careful! Studies have shown they worsen the depression with certain patients becoming severally suicidal!

I'll keep you in my ad'iyaa during this month and try and make alot of supplications! Best of luck!

Ramadaan Kareem!

 

[gladTidings]

My dear sister

Im sorry that you are going through a difficult period in your life. In addition to the above advice I just want to emphasise the importance of being around people. Loneliness itself can drive a person insane. No human came into this world independently and no one has made it to adulthood without the presence of others. Spend time with your family, friends and see if you can reach some muslims in your area.

Also, if you are not eating properly you may be losing energy and motivation generally. If it helps plan your meals and incorporate the required nutrients just to make sure your body is getting what it needs. Finally, If you want someone to talk to then I am here inshAllah.

=)

 

[bintYahya]

My depression is real, there's no denying that.

I didn't want to be on any medication. After giving it a try, however, I noticed mood stabilizers help me think coherently. That's kind of a prerequisite if I want to attend therapy and get better. It's just something I have to accept.

A nutritionist told me to eat every 3 hours. Too bad this was right around when Ramadhan started. I really wanted to fast because I thought I'd feel better, spiritually. At first I was scared I might end up in the ER again but alhamdulillah everything's been fine.

I've been journaling occasionally ever since I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. Quite embarrassing to read some of the entries... But that's the way to learn to understand myself, I guess. Writing things down seems to be better than trying to recall what happened. Feeings change, interpretations change...

I appreciate the efforts to help me. But I feel quite frustrated. Am I just not doing enough? Why am I still stuck, after trying all of these things that should make me feel better?

Yusuf is right about me needing a support system but how do I build one is a bit of a problem. I understand the benefits of having people around me, and I'd really love to have close friends or family. But depression, it seems to make me unlovable. And love is what would help me overcome certain barriers.

And I do think about what I don't have but I use it for motivation. I don't want to be a danger to myself for the rest of my life.

I know you mean well, it's just my mind... Thank you for including me in your du'a. May Allah reward you.

And Ramadhan mubaarak! In sha' Allah, your this month brings you great rewards.

 

[bintYahya]

My dear sister

Im sorry that you are going through a difficult period in your life. In addition to the above advice I just want to emphasise the importance of being around people. Loneliness itself can drive a person insane. No human came into this world independently and no one has made it to adulthood without the presence of others. Spend time with your family, friends and see if you can reach some muslims in your area.

Also, if you are not eating properly you may be losing energy and motivation generally. If it helps plan your meals and incorporate the required nutrients just to make sure your body is getting what it needs. Finally, If you want someone to talk to then I am here inshAllah.

=)

Maybe I should consider leaving this country. I don't know where I'd feel comfortable but there's gotta be more to life than what I have right now in a country with a population of about 30,000 Muslims. I have to travel hours to visit a masjid and find Muslims. Well, at least it's good to dream...

I'd like to try all kinds of new dishes but maybe I don't have enough creativity, hehe. In sha' Allah, I'll make a custom cookbook online.

Are you really?

 

[gladTidings]

Sister, you seem to be taking the right approach to this but maybe a change of perspective will help.

Allah swt says 'Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested.' Allah chooses to test us, and alhamdullilah, as a muslim we do not need to ask why because we know why Allah tests us. In our academic education there are constant tests and exams that are increasing in weight and pressure, but after each exam you reach a higher level. Not until we are blessed with the rewards of our efforts and enjoy the outcome do we realise that this temporary stress was better for us to reach success. When a martyr will face his Lord, he will ask to come back into this world again to be martyred for His sake because the pleasure he receives from this will make any pain worthwhile.

Just some points of reflection. Continue what you are doing and make dua'a inshAllah He will pass you in the trials of this world and grant you the ultimate reward.

Ameen

 

[gladTidings]

Maybe I should consider leaving this country. I don't know where I'd feel comfortable but there's gotta be more to life than what I have right now in a country with a population of about 30,000 Muslims. I have to travel hours to visit a masjid and find Muslims. Well, at least it's good to dream...

I'd like to try all kinds of new dishes but maybe I don't have enough creativity, hehe. In sha' Allah, I'll make a custom cookbook online.

Are you really?

Yes inshAllah =)

 

[YusufNoor]

My depression is real, there's no denying that.

I didn't want to be on any medication. After giving it a try, however, I noticed mood stabilizers help me think coherently. That's kind of a prerequisite if I want to attend therapy and get better. It's just something I have to accept.

thinking coherently is good. depression can take that away from you.

A nutritionist told me to eat every 3 hours. Too bad this was right around when Ramadhan started. I really wanted to fast because I thought I'd feel better, spiritually. At first I was scared I might end up in the ER again but alhamdulillah everything's been fine.

your health is more important than fasting. your intent was to fast, thus you still get the reward. Allah makes it easy on you!

I've been journaling occasionally ever since I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. Quite embarrassing to read some of the entries... But that's the way to learn to understand myself, I guess. Writing things down seems to be better than trying to recall what happened. Feeings change, interpretations change...

art journalism is using art, even if it is cutout pictures. you can just try to display the feelings that you are having. when you feel something, grab your journal and do something in it. it helps occupy your mind.

I appreciate the efforts to help me. But I feel quite frustrated. Am I just not doing enough? Why am I still stuck, after trying all of these things that should make me feel better?

that is what depression does to you. your mind is tricking you. if you could escape it, it wouldn't be depression. just the blaahs. you need to be on guard and realize what is happening.

Yusuf is right about me needing a support system but how do I build one is a bit of a problem. I understand the benefits of having people around me, and I'd really love to have close friends or family. But depression, it seems to make me unlovable. And love is what would help me overcome certain barriers.

depression does NOT make you unlovable. other people just need to start to understand what depression does to people. we don't know! i'm only learning because of my wife, and because of her i have a totally different take on the matter than i used to. heck, just telling people that i am aware, especially ptsd, helps them to relate to me better and me them. the more you learn, the more you can teach others.

w/o family love, you NEED support. just other people understanding and sharing can help. when you learn, you can help others. when you are busy doing something so positive, you will attract others.

And I do think about what I don't have but I use it for motivation. I don't want to be a danger to myself for the rest of my life.

I know you mean well, it's just my mind... Thank you for including me in your du'a. May Allah reward you.

And Ramadhan mubaarak! In sha' Allah, your this month brings you great rewards.

you will learn to do things that help you greatly when you go to counseling. keeping your mind busy really, really helps. once you know the directions to go, your life will improve. do things that make you happy, shut off the news. find a QURAN recitation that blows you away, listen to it when you feel down. find a sister, even here, that you can turn to and talk to.

there are many things my wife can't do, so i do them. if there are things that you cannot do, TRY not to overemphasize them. DWELL on the things that you can do. emphasize things that make you happy. work on your mental and physical health.

from what i see in my wife, laughter and helping others is the best medicine. [proper diet and rest too] go for walks, look at the flowers. there is much to feel joy about in Allah's creation.

listen to Jamal Zarabozo's lectures on al Fatihah, especially the one on Alhamdulillah. once you can savor its meaning, the use of it will bring much benefit.
http://www.kalamullah.com/al-fatihah.html

Alhamdulillah is #4, Bismillah is #2. for me, those lectures are a blessing. once you understand those terms, you can then teach others while realizing the benefit that you get from them.

Mufti Ismail Menk does lectures in a style that is very good for the soul. check out Reasons of Revelation tafseer [amongst others]:

http://www.muftimenk.co.za/Downloads.html

Allah has provided us with much that can benefit us.

May Allah guide you and benefit you. May place in your life the tools and people that you need.



:wa:

yusuf

 

[bintYahya]

Alhamdulillaah, after completing today's fajr, I finally feel something. This is a good beginning to a change.

Everyone who made du'a, jazakumullaahu khair.

 

[SFatima]

Maybe I should consider leaving this country. I don't know where I'd feel comfortable but there's gotta be more to life than what I have right now in a country with a population of about 30,000 Muslims. I have to travel hours to visit a masjid and find Muslims. Well, at least it's good to dream...

I'd like to try all kinds of new dishes but maybe I don't have enough creativity, hehe. In sha' Allah, I'll make a custom cookbook online.

Hope you are feeling good sister, so glad to welcome you to Islam. Don't worry , you have soo many of us sisters here with you, so do not feel lonely. Yes I agree with you here that in the instance that you do not find muslim company, you must consider thinking of moving to a new place, like Uk or any other country where there is a greater muslim population, it will be a very great step for you InshAllah. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself, there are syrups available in the market which are supposed to make you hungry ,which I have never needed (but they have them in my country, I'm in Asia) I hope they have them there too because when you're hungry you want to make yourself some nice food and that keeps you busy, and it will be a very nice cook book I'm sure when you make one, dont forget to gift me one

I think its simple to ask of you to not be depressed at all(easier said than done, but InshAllah) since depression is a tool of shaitan to distance people of faith from the Creator, treat it as such, do not feel that you are depressed, try to tell yourself that you are NOT depressed, and its just shaitan trying to make you feel bad about yourself. It will take some self courage and some changing in your routine to think less and less of depression, as loneliness is one the biggest causes of depression, try to be around people as much you can. Indulge in some small community work or something.

Always be positive! no matter what happens. Say MashAllah , Alhamdulilahn and InshAllah frequently, and the kalima shahada as well. You will be out of it in no time inshAllah, talk about what makes you feel good, and always talk about good stuff, when we speak good, we feel good, so even if you're burning the new dish that you're cooking, be happy! Like this, smile often, it relaxes us.

 

[SFatima]

One can make a list of the good things that they have done in their life or the good thoughts they have had for their future, discuss good ideas, good aspirations and refuse to see a negative side to anything. Allah swt loves His creation and that is why he made us, feel grateful and blessed to be his honored creation, may Allah swt be with you all the way aammeen.

 

[Scimitar]

I'm a revert so I understand the other side. I have faith in my heart but often I feel like I just do what I'm commanded to do, and that awesome feeling is not there.

In the times of happiness and peace - prepare for the bad times that are ahead...

In the times of grief and worry, be patient - for the period of peace is ahead.

This is sound advice from an Islamic perspective brother... I too have been through something very very similiar to you. And I can tell you right now, you''re not the only one who has experienced this. Let me get my post count up to 50 and I'll send you a PM insha-Allah.

Assalaam Alaikum waRahmatullahi waBarakatuhu

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalaam 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

recently I found out I have an eating disorder. It should've been more obvious; I've been to the ER a couple of times this year for IV therapy, and the reason behind my GI symptoms was most likely the fact that I restricted my diet so much. I couldn't imagine hearing those words from my doctor because I never really understood things had gotten so serious. And I always thought only people who are obsessed with their looks suffer from these conditions - and I'm not at all like that.

In my case, I think it's about trying to control something, as bad as that sounds. I've been chronically, and often quite severely, depressed despite the fact that I have found Islam. And really, Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) and this perfect religion and way of life are the only reasons why I'm still here, fighting for my life in the hopes of being allowed to enter Jannah. It's quite a challenge but I welcomed it instead of submitting to my desires and choosing the easy way out. And besides, "Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear" (2:286), so how could I give up?

I've been on a roller coaster this year, going back and forth between different stages of depression. Earlier this year, after what was probably one of the most difficult times in my life, I turned to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) because I felt so weak and because I had no one else to turn to for help. I cried because I desperately wanted to find a way to change myself and my life. I was so scared. I started praying regularly. Then came summer and it became difficult to eat and sleep regularly. I had to adjust to two major changes: praying five times a day during long summer days and working in 3 shifts - both at the same time for the first time in my life.

Things at work affected me negatively. While off work, I was always alone, tired, not in the mood for anything. Constant mood changes can be so exhausting. I still prayed but it was so hard to manage without proper sleep. May Allah forgive me. Generally, I couldn't concentrate or remember things. I became withdrawn at work, which only added to my anxiety.

And the worst thing.

I started thinking about how funny or stupid my devotion to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) appears in the eyes non-Muslims. I'm a revert so I understand the other side. I have faith in my heart but often I feel like I just do what I'm commanded to do, and that awesome feeling is not there. I think you know what I mean. And it is the lack of this feeling that creates an emptiness, and it is also why I'm scared as to where I'm headed to. My faith is all I have.

I feel a little ashamed to write all of this here but I kind of want to hear what advice you might have. Professionals in this field don't really have anything to offer. They are basically giving up. They don't know about Islam, and neither am I knowledgeable enough to always find the right "tools" in the context of Islam.

May Allah reward you.

Asalaamu Alaikum sister. the following thread is dedicated to those of us who have or are going through sadness and depression. Please read through it and contemplate and ponder over what is written and it will help you significantly and will give you the right perspective in dealing with your issues.

How to get Through, Hardships & Trials in our lives

http://www.islamicboard.com/manners...hardships-trials-our-lives-2.html#post1460002

Also make the best of these remaining blessed days and nights of Ramadan and beg of Allah and cry unto him and have FULL faith and trust in him and there is NO doubt that you will feel the sweetness of imaan (faith) and you will feel much closer to Allah and will have a different outlook regarding your issues.

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next. Ameen

 

[Scimitar]

Whoops, it was a sister... indeed. Sorry.

 

[bintYahya]

Alhamdulillah.

I started this thread on Aug 12, which was 6 days after starting at an intensive outpatient facility (longer opening hours, nurses available more often). During the first appointment, a personal nurse was chosen for me but I asked for another one. I didn't want to open up about my hurtful past to a man for that reason as well as for religious reasons. They said ok, we can make that change. During the 3 years that I've acknowledged my issues and really tried to work on them, I have never met a professional who's so able to help me as this nurse that I now have. And she seems to accept me on every level.

I feel like having the courage to defend my religious freedom was rewarded with this - and more. After about a month or month and a half, we started discussing follow-up treatment. She suggested that she could continue with me because she's studying to become a psychotherapist but I have to accept the fact that she's only a student. I was very happy with this because that way I wouldn't have to worry about starting everything over etc. which is always quite an exhausting process, and also because this was offered to me for free.

There are things about myself that I notice only now for the first time in my life, and it feels pretty awesome. Life's looking quite optimistic for a change.