Having some issues with my fiancé

[muhammad0315]

Salaam brothers and sisters.I'm having some issues with my fiancé(I guess I should say my wife)we haven't had intercourse because we still haven't had the wedding(which is planned for next summer)but we did everything as far as the marriage contract..ok let me cut to the chase,she asked to go over sees so I told her ok you can go but I want you to stay out at my aunts house and be very respectful to people you are staying with.the first day she she went out with her freinds to a wedding and stayed out till 3am,my aunt went crazy and called me up to tell me that she's still not home and they can't reach her.when she finally came home she had an excuse that wasn't good enough,so I yelled at her and let her mom know and she also yelled at her..from this day my whole faimly stopped likening her and every single thing she dose they call me and let me know..the other day she was with my mom and aunts(my mom has just arrived there to visit family and be with my fiancé)well they go out to a wedding and my mom decides to stay at my other aunts house for a few days and she told my fiancé to stay with her.my fiancé didn't have enough cloths with her so my mom told her to go back home with my other aunt and get your cloths..will they did but they ended up not being able to come back because they closed the bridge that leads to we're my mom was at..well my mom called me up overreacting and crying telling me that my fiancé left her and she was suppose to come back and she never did(she didn't tell me the whole story)..I tried calling my fiancé but there was no service so I had to wait till the next morning.well when I got a hold of her she sounded upset and didn't want to talk so i just went crazy over the phone and yelled at her and she ended up hanging the phone on me(I found out later that her mother also found out and she got yelled at before I called)..I feel like my faimly is starting to pick on her and are giving her a hard time and I also think she thinks that I'm standing by my family's side and believing everything they say.when I found out about what really happen when she didn't return from getting her cloths I kinda of got upset at my mom and my mom because I felt like they should of never jumped to conclusions before getting all the facts.she has changed and she dosnt really talk or text me anymore and when I do text or call she always replays with short answers Like she's not really interested in me..I would really like to work things out and I don't want her to leave me because I'm in love with her but I don't think she feels the same about me anymore.Heres th questions sence I tried to explain everything on why are reltionship might be going downwards.1.can she divorce me?im not going to be the one divorcing and I'm preaty sure if she wants to she can,by getting her uncles involved(which are some mean powerfull people).plus we haven't had intercourse anyways.2.if by any chanc she dose leave me would I be able to get my money back?everything I spent on her?I have all the receipts that prove I spent on her..I'm not money hungry but I've spent a lot of hard earned money on her by trying to impress her,sending moneygram,buying gifts,funding her trip oversees etc.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

You are not married (unless you have done the nikah?) so the concept of divorce does not apply yet.

I don't know the answer to your questions but I just want to say when it comes to conflicts between the wife & your own family, it is best to always be polite and use wisdom.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

bro i dont even....

 

[Asiyah3]

I'd really hate it if my husband would yell at me.

Some men think that by yelling, it makes their wife listen to them. The same things go for women. Some women think that by shouting (for example, when having a complaint) it makes their husbands change. It's better to talk calmly.

 

[Snowflake]

The marriage contract has been done so the concept of divorce will apply here but there is no idah for the woman whose marriage has not been consummated.

“O you who believe! When you marry believing women, and then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them, no ‘Iddah (divorce prescribed period, see) have you to count in respect of them”
[al-Ahzaab 33:40].​

Yelling at someone rarely solves anything and only makes things worse. And no one feels close to someone who's shouted at them and then allowed others to do the same to them. Since your wife isn't here, I can only advise you to apologize to her as it was also wrong to believe your Mother's version of events without clarifying things with your wife first.

1.can she divorce me?im not going to be the one divorcing and I'm preaty sure if she wants to she can,by getting her uncles involved(which are some mean powerfull people).plus we haven't had intercourse anyways.2.if by any chanc she dose leave me would I be able to get my money back?everything I spent on her?I have all the receipts that prove I spent on her..I'm not money hungry but I've spent a lot of hard earned money on her by trying to impress her,sending moneygram,buying gifts,funding her trip oversees etc.

A woman can't divorce man but she can ask him to divorce her in return of payment.

“And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allaah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allaah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul‘ (divorce)”
​

Asking for gifts back

The Prophet (saws1) also said: “No one who gives a gift has the right to demand it back, except for the father in what he gives to his child.” [Sunan al-Tirmidhî (1299), Sunan Abî Dâwûd (3539), Sunan al-Nasâ’î (3690), and Sunan Ibn Mâjah (2377)]

But if a man gives gifts to a woman on the basis that she will marry him, and then she changes her mind, he is entitled to ask for those gifts to be returned to him.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Fataawa al-Kubra (5/472): Even if the gifts were given before the marriage contract (nikaah) and they had promised marriage but then they gave the girl in marriage to someone else, he may take them back. End quote.

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/101859

 

[Ali_008]

:wasalamex

You have no right to yell at her, she's not your wife yet.

 

[Snowflake]

There seems to be some confusion as to the O.P being marriage or not. I just wish the clarify that the OP did say the marriage contract (Nikah) has been done, but the wedding party and his wife coming to live with him (rukhsati) will happen next summer.

we still haven't had the wedding(which is planned for next summer)but we did everything as far as the marriage contract..

 

[Imaduddin]

Alaykum Salam brother.


What you should do is not think about divorce, instead apologize to her and explain that you rushed to react not knowing fully well what happened. But also explain that things like this happen when in marriage a partner doesn't keep to their word. Explain to her that it's not appropriate to stay up so late especially for females without any male companionship.


Tell your mother and her mother to just back off a little, people do make mistakes sometimes and if she refrains from them then why not forgive her. And tell all people, regardless who they are to mind their business and not call you for every little thing that she does. A Muslim must conceal the faults of another Muslim, their behaviour is un-Islamic, tell them not to call you over every little thing, it will only make you start hating her over nothing, everyone has faults. Allah has made us sinners so that we may ask for forgiveness, it is not appropriate for you to have people watch her every move and tell you about what she does. You wouldn't like that if she did it to you, so you should stop people from spying on her and telling you.

 

[ardianto]

You have no right to yell at her, she's not your wife yet.

The nikah had been done, it's means she is his wife. But it doesn't means he could yell like that to his wife.

 

[CosmicPathos]

I'd really hate it if my husband would yell at me, and it wouldn't make me respect him any more.

Had to jump in. With this attitude, you'd remain single your whole life, and for your sake, I urge you to look at marriage in a more practical way where two imperfect people decide to live together.

People make mistakes. You loosing respect for your husband just because he yelled at you during the heat of moment says more about you than about him especially if he realizes his mistakes and apologizes.

OP, talk to your fiance/wife, say that you are sorry, ask her what is on her mind, if she is still not interested anymore, move on with you life. No need to lament over your mistake especially when you have sincerely apologized for it. You deserve a better person as a wife who is willing to over look your mistakes just like you overlooked/asked for forgiveness for getting angry over her mistake of staying out of house till 3 am.

salaam.

 

[ardianto]

My wife was close to my mother before I made a promise to marry her. I made a promise to marry the girl who now becomes my wife at late of 1990. I told her I could not marry her soon because I need to finish my study and get a job. she's agree.

But after she became my fiance, the 'nature of women' worked to her and my mother. They started to criticize each other.

(there's a classical problem between wife and the husband's mother which they love to criticize each other. It's because the nature of women)

Misunderstanding happened at 1992 and became a clash between my fiance and my mother. It made my fiance and her family very angry to my mother, and to me too. Even some people around my fiance suggested her to cancel the marriage plan. My mother was angry too. Yeah, it brought me to a big problem that made me feel like squashed by the weight from two sides.

But I realized,it's my responsibility to solve that problem and bring back peace between my fiance and my mother. So I stood on center and started talking to my fiance family and my mother. Need more than two months to solve this problem. Alhamdulillah, finally my fiance and her family made 'peace agreement' with my mother.

I married my fiance in 1994. In 1998 my first kid was born. In year 2000 clash happened again between my wife and my mother, and worse than the first clash. My wife decided to back to her parent home brought our kid. Her family phone my mother and yelled at her. It made my mother very very angry. Even she offered a lawyer if I wanted to divorce my wife.

Like in first clash. I took my responsibility to solve the problem again. I came to my parent in-law home everyday, talk to my wife and her family although her father refused to talk to me. I talked to my mother too. Need more than two months before I solve this problem. And my wife made a promise she will never leave the home again.

****

@brother Muhammad0315

These are my experiences. Look, I always tried to solve the problem between my fiance/wife and my mother, because I realized that's my responsibility. And I never ran from my responsibility because I knew, a gentleman never run from his responsibility.

Now bro, let me ask you, are you a gentleman?

So, try to solve this problem as best as you can. Stand on the center, not only on one side. Talk to your fiance (who actually your wife) and her family, talk to your mother, your auntie and your family. Find the best solution to solve this problem without divorce your wife. Always control yourself, do not ever yell to anyone.

If you cannot solve this problem alone, you can seek help from a knowledgeable and neutral person, to help you in talking with both sides. In my place usually people seek help from local Islamic teachers.

Okay gentleman, start your action. My du'a is with you.

 

[Ali_008]

The nikah had been done, it's means she is his wife. But it doesn't means he could yell like that to his wife.

:wasalamex

:exhausted oops I misread the marriage contract information. My bad.

To the OP, if you guys want divorce, you won't have any iddat period as the marriage hasn't been consummated yet.

 

[FatimaSumayia]

Wa aliakum mus salam brother..

I would just keep it short and simple as most of people above have already explained a lot. but as far as what i think you should do is : to gather all your family and hers, and then just clear things out and tell them you dont like the way things are turning up, tell your wife you are sorry if you think you owe her an apology and just tell your family how you don't want any misunderstandings and fights, be polite with all.. =) and keep firm. And also just in private tell your wife you love her.. =) girls are sensitive , they feel stuff more ..

 

[Asiyah3]

Had to jump in. With this attitude, you'd remain single your whole life, and for your sake, I urge you to look at marriage in a more practical way where two imperfect people decide to live together.

Guess what? I have never in my life seen my father yell at my mother. Al-hamdulillah that the brothers around me know how to respect their women. I'm proud to say I didn't grow in this type of family where people "communicate" and speak to each other by yelling and shouting.

People make mistakes. You loosing respect for your husband just because he yelled at you during the heat of moment says more about you than about him especially if he realizes his mistakes and apologizes.

He didn't apologize to her. In fact, he repeated his mistake more than once (he said he yelled at her at least another time). And still didn't or at least didn't mention he apologized.

I didn't say I would lose respect for him. I said yelling wouldn't make me respect him more (this doesn't mean I would respect him less). Some men think that by yelling, it makes their wife listen to them. The same things go for women. Some women think that by shouting it makes their husbands change. If a wife would yell at her husband, for example when having a complain), I would advice her against it. I was trying to advice the opener away from this style, and instead talk calmly with his wife. Hope I've clarified my post (which I edited in case of misunderstanding) and position.

I'm definitely for apologizing and forgiveness. This is one of the things I deeply love about my brother. Sometimes he comes tired from work and gets angry. After five minutes, he's calmed down, realizes his mistake and comes apologizing to me.

 

[muhammad0315]

Thanks everyone very good advice here..I haven't actually apologized to my wife yet but I did tell her that I love her and she told me the same back(I think that should be good enough)..we are on good terms and hamdullah were not even thinking about leaving each other..now on to the hard part of trying to please 3 women and get them to all like each other like the way it use to be(my mom,my wife,and my wife's mom because shes upset and feels as if everyone is picking on her daughter because she knows she raised a good girl..the thing is my aunts(moms sisters)are the cause of all of this mess according to my wife..Also I don't usally yell at her but these past couple weeks I have been stressed out over all this drama and the fact that I've been cutting down on smoking in order to prepare my self for Ramadan.