Help needed.... Being blackmailed

[Ali Mujahidin]

Two wrongs, I am sad to say, does not ever make a right. So what happened with the first girl, I think everyone's agreed on this, is a wrong. Marrying this second girl, in my personal opinion, is also a wrong.

Seriously, I would not call what that first girl is doing, blackmail. If what she really wanted to do is ruin you, then she need only to wait until you are married, then threaten to tell your wife about what you did, unless you agree to whatever she demands at that time.

I think it's time to perform two rakaat salaah sunat, then ask yourself whether you are man enough to take responsibility for your own actions. Really, whatever the circumstances, you did what you did with the first girl, fully conscious and therefore you are fully conscionable for what you have done.

Let's not confuse the issue by saying you do not love the first girl. The fact of the matter is, you do not even know this second girl so let's not pretend that you can love her more than the first girl or even love her at all.

btw, as far as I have found out, love is not a requisite for a Muslim marriage.

Whether or not you and the first girl will make a good marriage is all up to your own efforts and Allah's will. WaLLahu aklam.

 

[ghost]

There are two scholarly opinions on this subject based upon the following Qur'an verse:

The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers. 24:3

Some scholars say that the fornicator should tell the spouse-to-be that he is unchaste in order to prevent future problems in the marriage if he has any decency in him. For all we know the guy could go and marry a woman with a 'newstart', deceive her into thinking he was a good chaste boy, a couple years down the line the woman he slept with may decide to come a ruin his life, this does happen only for the marriage to fall apart, you can read a few cases on this forum.


Yeh and if by some chance the woman finds out his past and her life becomes ruined are you going to come running to save their marriage? She has to live with a man who slept with other women for the rest of her life. Use your brain fella


Zina is no ordinary sin like taking drugs etc, this is the one of the few sins that cause permanent damage - losing your chastity. Repenting or not he can never gain his chastity back.

The adulterer shall not marry save an adulteress or an idolatress, and the adulteress none shall marry save an adulterer or an idolater. All that is forbidden unto believers. (Pickthal)

The adulterer marries not but an adulteress or a Mushrikah and the adulteress none marries her except an adulterer or a Muskrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely he is either an adulterer, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islâmic Monotheism). (Dr Mohsin)

The adulterer weddeth not but an adulteress or an associatoress: and the adulteress! --none weddeth her save an adulterer or an associator; and that is forbidden unto the believers. (Abdul Daryabadi)

These three translations mention nothing about fornication, but rather only about adulterers and polytheists.

He came to you for advice, you are supposed to give your answers in accordance with Quran and sunnah, not of your own opinions. That is the only thing I told you lot regarding what to do.

Your scenario posted is very specific, you paint the guy in the scenario as someone who fornicated and then deceived his wife-to-be into marrying him. You've worsened the sins of the theoretical guy just to try to make him seem more evil so that you can attempt to justify your point. Nice try. Also you sort of prove my point on women by saying that the (original) theoretical-woman might come back to ruin the marriage. A theoretical woman no less, not even a real one.

Drugs also cause permanent damage, thought I'd let you know.

 

[May Ayob]

Well brother i think , you should ask yourself many questions, um if you were a girl that lives in the uk and you had a relationship with a guy like of which yourself, i'm thinking from her point of view, that she really trusted you and deeply beleived that you will marry i'm even thinking that she only gave you her chastity because she thought it would be a bigger motivation to marry her, you have to care about her feelings as well she is also a human being i know you think she is blackmailing you but belive me it isn't easy for a girl to give her chastity to a man , if she commits suicide you will be responsible for that, and i know it is hard but you have to be sincere it isn't that matter of the other girl deserving you or not , God has blessed us with many things we don't deserve whether we are pious or not and no matter how much we say thankyou God it will never fullfil it , so please think carefully about your actions and think about the children you will have how will they feel if they knew that their own father has done this and never even thought about looking back at his actions, as far as i am concerned no offence but how will you expect her to trust while you are saying that you have no respect , or love for a humanbeing you have slept with sleeping with someone isn't and easy you only do it with someone special to your heart , i am not trying to judge you or hurt you but everyone has a good and bad side into them , so think about the good things about the former girl that made you in first place want to have a relationship with her, after all if she has repented i am sure that she deeply loves you and it is heartbreaking to know that you are very confident enough to leave her this way, i'm sure that if you forgave her , she will apreciate it and will be a very devoted wife.


i'm sorry Bros and Sis in the thread but honestly i think it was a bit cruel to critisice him in such a harsh manner, you never know may be one day may God forbid that you fall into the same sin and won't find someone to help you out, we should be very carefull about how we handle the problems of other people, not that i'm saying i'm innocent but i just thought that was cruel i wouldnt like it if someone did this to me , i'd be like what's the point anyways, we are supposed to help each other not scoff at each other for falling into mistakes we all do mistakes no one is perfect maybe there is some sin you might see as great right now , but you might fall into that mistake in the future...Surely Gos is All'Forgiving , All-Merciful


Salaam i hope i helped.

 

[IslamicRevival]

Ive just skimmed through the comments and some of the replies have been judgmental and way too harsh, Honestly some of you need to re read your posts before submitting them :/

Brother Milad10, You've made a mistake and you've repented..Its now between you and Allah Azzawajal and its not for me to comment.
Move on with life and do what your heart tells you

May Allah Azzawajal forgive us all
Ameen

 

[aadil77]

These three translations mention nothing about fornication, but rather only about adulterers and polytheists.

Here you go:

Sahih International
The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers.
Yusuf Ali
Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.

The arabic word for adulterer and fornicator is the same word = zani

And who is abdul daryabadi, try using trusted translations

He came to you for advice, you are supposed to give your answers in accordance with Quran and sunnah, not of your own opinions. That is the only thing I told you lot regarding what to do, maybe if you read my post you would actually see this.

Where is your Qur'an and Sunnah, I gave mine

Your scenario posted is very specific, you paint the guy in the scenario as someone who fornicated and then deceived his wife-to-be into marrying him. You've worsened the sins of the theoretical guy just to try to make him seem more evil so that you can attempt to justify your point. Nice try. Also you sort of prove my point on women by saying that the (original) theoretical-woman might come back to ruin the marriage. A theoretical woman no less, not even a real one.

His family arranged the marriage, its typical of families to make their children look like good boys and girls, when in many cases they're not - this is called deception. What is exactly is your point on women?

Drugs also cause permanent damage, thought I'd let you know.

What part of 'this is the one of the few sins that cause permanent damage' do you not understand ? Better luck next time

 

[Ghazalah]

My understanding is that in regards to marriage, one is not allowed to ask the other about their past - marriage is supposed to be a new start, a new life for the couple. The replies in this thread are based on their own personal feelings and not from Quran and sunnah.

If the guy has repented then it is for Allah, and Allah alone to judge him, not you lot. Similarly if the woman in question has repented then it is for Allah to judge her and Allah alone. The very fact that you all are judging him and telling him what to do proves that you lot think best. Marriage is a blessing and if Allah Wills that a man who has committed zina 1000 times is to marry the most pious woman on the planet then so be it.

Thirdly, the woman in this scenario is not innocent. Just because the guy may appear to be more in wrong does not exonerate the woman from sin. It takes two to commit zina and she was a willing participant. It speaks to her character that she is willing to destroy the guy's relationship with his family in order to get what she wants. Sure he should take some responsibility for his actions but so should she! They both need to accept what they've done is wrong and repent to Allah - and that is what they both have (apparently) done. Don't you see that this is the most important thing?

This life is a test, and a temporary one at that. These two have failed a test and have committed zina. Similarly us lot who are looking in from the outside are being tested on how we react to such news. You're all feeling sorry for the wife-to-be, have I missed something? Do you all suddenly possess the power to see the future? This guy may turn out to be the best possibly husband for this woman, who are you to deny that? Allah knows best, not you. Also just because she wears a piece of cloth over her head doesn't make her Miss Religious. And if it turns out that she is pious then she would know about Isthikaar (oh and by the way, what is Isthikaar, ah yes, asking Allah for guidance).

The act of zina is haraam, it is a great sin no doubt. The act of repentance however is a greater good and Allah loves those who repent - this isn't an excuse to sin but rather one who sins then repents is doing so due to fear of Allah. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what the guy should or shouldn't do, he should seek someone knowledgable in Islam to answer that, someone who can guide him using examples from the Quran and sunnah, not some personal feelings from angry elitist women (and for some reason, guys) on an internet forum.

My Islamic advice to you - guy - is to perform Isthikaar and to tell your wife-to-be to do the same. Seek a Sheikh or a Scholar in Islam regarding your initial query.

What a sick twisted post.

He asked for our advice we gave it. Your understanding of marriage is clearly WRONG! Not to mention women. You seriously need to educate yourself on having some respect for women, I think you'll find that in the Sunnah.

 

[جوري]

What a sick twisted post. He asked for our advice we gave it. Your understanding of marriage is clearly WRONG! Not to mention women. You seriously need to educate yourself on having some respect for women, I think you'll find that in the Sunnah.

And the Quran.. to hate women means one hates ones mother.. I am not sure a person can attain paradise or God's pleasure harboring those kind of feelings..

 

[Alpha Dude]

The very fact that you all are judging him and telling him what to do proves that you lot think best.

Not really. You should have husn al dhaan (a good opinion). Just because they are telling him what to do, as you say, doesn't mean they think they know best. It's just an advice that's being given and doesn't necessarily mean they are judging him. You gave him an advice yourself and you judged the people who posted in this thread as being judgemental people. Should we conclude from your action that you think you know best?

Thirdly, the woman in this scenario is not innocent. Just because the guy may appear to be more in wrong does not exonerate the woman from sin. It takes two to commit zina and she was a willing participant.

Nobody believes she is innocent.

Sure he should take some responsibility for his actions but so should she!

The girl said she wants to make halal the haram that they have done. So that is her taking responsibility. Which leaves the guy.

They both need to accept what they've done is wrong and repent to Allah - and that is what they both have (apparently) done. Don't you see that this is the most important thing?

Of course that's important. However, there are repercussions to our actions that need to be corrected too.

Take this really rough analogy:

Say two people steal something together and they later repent for it. Now, their repentance doesn't change the fact that something that belongs to an innocent third party has gone missing. The only way to make it right is to give it back (despite how difficult it might be to do).

To apply this to our case, we can correctly assume that the 'right to have a chaste partner' was stolen from any potential future partners of both the OP and the girl he fornicated with.

They can repent, but what's stolen remains stolen. Also, unlike with the example of theft, this is an intangible thing that cannot simply be given back.

So what remains the best option in order to minimise the repercussions of their wrong doing? Allah knows best, but what comes to mind as a solution is that they can marry each other. At least this way, innocent people are not paying the consequences of the wrong doings of other people.

It's a simple and logical way of taking responsibility and just because people advise him to do this, does not mean they are judging him and condemning him or casting doubt on his repentance.

Ask any muslim this following question: Would you, as a person who kept chaste, feel betrayed if you found out you got married to someone with a past? and you'll find that the answer would be yes. Doesn't matter if the person has repented (and not even casting doubt on the repentance), they'd still find it hard to swallow. It's just a natural reaction.

I'm pretty sure the OP himself would not like it if his wife-to-be was herself unchaste. Which is why it is advised for him to marry the first girl (despite how difficult it might be for him to do), so as to avoid unsuspecting people being punished in this way unnecessarily.

That's just my opinion and Allah knows best.

As for the advice given on him telling the wife-to-be what he did, I don't agree with that myself.

 

[Salahudeen]

Some of us may come across harsh, but the reason is, we apply the situation to our own personal lifes and thats why we become harsh.

Imagine your blood sister has just lost her virginity to a guy who was fooling around with her and then ran off and just used your sister for a bit of fun. Are you still gonna be all sweet with this guy after what he done to your sister? Imagine the girl was your daughter, and some guy had done this with her, are you gonna be all sweet with him and go "awww its ok these things happen run along now everythings fine, you ruined my daughters innocence but thats ok "

The point I'm trying to make is that, when it's some1 elses daughter it's easy to say we shouldn't be harsh, but when it happens to our own daughter and sister we're the first ones to wanna kill the guy. I think we should have this same feeling for all of our sisters in Islam, not just the one's in our house.

Perhaps this guy is talking about one of your female relatives and you don't even know this has happened to her, allah hu alam it's a small world, are you still gonna be all sweet with him and go, "hey don't worry about what you done to my relative, you run off now and go live a happy life"

I think you should imagine the girl he is talking about is your blood sister, this will help you to gain the perspective of those of us who are harsh.

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

I think you should imagine the girl he is talking about is your blood sister, this will help you to gain the perspective of those of us who are harsh.

Well put, brother Salahudeen. That puts the whole issue in the right perspective. I beg Allah to give the OP the spiritual strength to view the entire case in this perspective, too. Let the OP ask himself what he would have done if the first girl had been his blood sister violated by some other person. Ameen.

 

[Cabdullahi]

you will understand these harsh replies only when you understand that unfaithfulness and trickery is something that nobody wants to experience....especially not delicate beings...our sisters

 

[Getoffmyback]

I think that your problem will only be solved if you tell your parents cos i'm sure beyond all doubts that they are the cause of your narcissism . I'm sure they will understand and will help you in this situation cos your mentality is not reliable and too complicated to deal with it by yourself. Let the grown ups deal with it.

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

i'm sorry but i don't see why exactly people are saying you are a good person for having repented and actually giving you advice on how to "get away" especially blackmailing her in return, i mean wow you people are just outrageous. what you did was a horrible thing, you took her virginity, if you were so eager to engage in zina, why didn't you pick someone who you knew was a known zaaniyah and do it with her? you had to pick a poor innocent girl and fool her into being a relationship with you and take advantage of her trust? yes, what she did was stupid, but if you had not been there to do it, she would not have done it either. everyone makes mistakes, you did too, so how can you judge her as being immoral and have no respect for her when YOU yourself did the same thing? in fact she is much better than you because at least she wants to fix this and get married now. what is she supposed to do, go marry someone else? and how easy it is for you to say now "oh i have no respect for her and what i did" well grow up and be a man, own up to the responsibilities of your actions. she is doing well by telling your parents and if you have an ounce of shame you yourself would have said i'm really sorry for what i did to you, i want to marry you and make this halal. you make it sound like you are so innocent and she is a bad girl and you have no respect for her, you were her first partner and i'm sure you were just as much to blame in this, so therefore you become the person who spoilt her innocence, so now don't just walk away like it's so easy to do that. it's a huge freaking deal what you did, it's not as easy as you repenting and just getting away. can you return her virginity and her innocence to her? NO. so marry her now. tell your parents you would like to marry her before she reveals it to your family that you have committed this sin. if she has repented, she is clear of sins inshaAllah, and this is not blackmail, it's her being reasonable and treating you how you should be treated. i do feel sorry for her though, because now she will have to marry a complete idiot like you. just wow. what a coward. have some shame.

I agree with you!

 

[CosmicPathos]

Some of us may come across harsh, but the reason is, we apply the situation to our own personal lifes and thats why we become harsh.

Imagine your blood sister has just lost her virginity to a guy who was fooling around with her and then ran off and just used your sister for a bit of fun. Are you still gonna be all sweet with this guy after what he done to your sister? Imagine the girl was your daughter, and some guy had done this with her, are you gonna be all sweet with him and go "awww its ok these things happen run along now everythings fine, you ruined my daughters innocence but thats ok "

The point I'm trying to make is that, when it's some1 elses daughter it's easy to say we shouldn't be harsh, but when it happens to our own daughter and sister we're the first ones to wanna kill the guy. I think we should have this same feeling for all of our sisters in Islam, not just the one's in our house.

Perhaps this guy is talking about one of your female relatives and you don't even know this has happened to her, allah hu alam it's a small world, are you still gonna be all sweet with him and go, "hey don't worry about what you done to my relative, you run off now and go live a happy life"

I think you should imagine the girl he is talking about is your blood sister, this will help you to gain the perspective of those of us who are harsh.

we cant use this analogy. If it was your blood sister, you would be as angry at her as at him. Blood sister equally gave consent of fornication. So its not like she was stolen of her "innocence" by some Joe. Both are culprits equally.

Just wanted to clarify that as that might lead to emotional thinking of just blaming the male fornicator and not the female.

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

Just wanted to clarify that as that might lead to emotional thinking of just blaming the male fornicator and not the female.

Personally, I do not think that we are just blaming the male partner and leaving out the female. It so happens that it is the male who is the OP. And he asked for advice. He didn't say that he only wanted advice that sounded sweet to his ears. So he got an earful alright.

btw what happened in the end? Perhaps the OP can update us on the latest developments.

 

[ProudMuslimSis]

Well said "in-the-shadows." You covered it all.
She feels used and tossed aside. Marrying her is the best possible option.

 

[kingkong]

I'd like to ask the question to this man, what if he's marrying a virgin now? Does that virgin wife deserve a used man like him?

Marry the girl you had sex outside marriage with, you both are on the same level and in my opinion, you deserve each other.

 

[Riana17]

Salam everyone

I am new here, sorry for the delay but I feel I should tell my opinion. I think this is very important.

I do not think that the girl is bad one when Mr "milad10" is her first man, am I right?

I think Mr Milad10 is mostly responsible for this, I understand you are confuse and you didnt plan to marry anyone. But things happened already and I must say that, her position and feelings etc is worst than yours.

Maybe it sound that she is forcing or blackmailing you. but to me it is completely normal reaction.she is trying to find solution and you must not leave her like that

inshallah things will calm down and you two can discuss this without heated argument.

I didnt read the other's comment+replies, and so if I am missing anything, my advance apology.
May you see the light Mr Milad coz your reaction as well is completely normal but dont run away, BE A MAN