Here's my story and I need ur advice

umm.... Snowflake I didn't know we can get private messages here.... Where's the inbox thing? I don't see it...
 
For some reason I can't reply to ur msg so I'll reply here :)

Aslamu alaikum snowflake Sis,
I finally seen the inbox (I'm slow sometimes lol) but this is very helpful information... I was thinking of talking to a lawyer just to be on the safe side... Then I remembered that if my parents find out they will think that I'm in a hurry for divorce as if there's someone already that I want to get married to... I'm sure that would mess everything up so I decided just to go along with my family even though 4 years is a long time. I know it's haram for husband n wife to live separately without divorce for couple years... Or is it? Because my family r now a bit nice with me n they r trying to comfort me any possible way. We kind of had a family meeting n they asked me it's upto me to choose what I want to do but of course they advices me so much to live with this guy during these 4 years until it's over but I know that would be too much for me to handle so I said no. We r now living with my brother n Sis who live in a family house with their kids n spouses (it's a big house) my husband has a room upstairs n I sleep downstairs with my nieces and my daughter. I really want him to live in a separate house but my father is saying the immigration might find out or some mean family members might find out n go tell the immigration that this is fraud marriage. So anyway I'll just stay here 4 years... I'll go back to school n waste my time there... And inshallah things go smooth and go the way I want it :)
 
Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wb,

No problem sis :)

I think you need 50 posts before you can send PMs. Sorry, I'm not sure.
It seems you have worked out a way to your problem, and al hamdulillah, it's good to hear your family are now being more supportive of your decision masha Allah. Four years is a long time, but if no other solution becomes available to you then use the time you await divorce to increase your knowledge of the deen. We only realize what a powerful weapon knowledge is when we acquire it and can use it in any situation we come across - meaning deal with every circumstance in our life Islamically. A lot of our problems come form the fact that we don't know our own rights and allow others to use and abuse us and vice versa. Insha Allah dear sister, make a daily effort to read Islamic books/articles on various topics and especially the Quran with translation if you cannot understand Arabic. Since you have a child, one good topic to read up on could be on how to raise your child Islamically, i.e. when to teach them how to pray salah/when to separate them from your bed (if sharing) etc, what duas to teach him, and since children learn by copying adults, how to be a good role model yourself.

Insha Allah, leading a life according to the way that pleases Allah subhana wa ta 'ala will set you up with a good start should you wish to marry again in the future. This forum is a rich source of knowledge so I hope you make the most of it, and not disappear insha Allah. :)
 
شَادِنُ;1549912 said:
At any rate man or woman everyone deserves to be loved and cherished in their relationship, not told frankly that they're repulsive and hated.
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Thanks for saying that and for bringing some sanity to the topic.

W salam
 
WRITER said:
Unfortunately, many ppl from India/Pakistan force their children to marry without giving them a choice.
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Stop generalizing. Many ppl from West force their children to leave the house at age 18 so these children fall into bad company, start drinking and start committing zina. Forcing someone into marriage is better than forcing someone into zina. Get your senses back.

Or ppl from West tell their daughters its ok to have a bf and sleep with him while shes 15 year old. Should I be disgusted by ALL westerners because of this fact?

And no, not all western girls like western guys. I am a typial brown person. A white med student girl was hitting on me yesterday and today as well. So you are proper wrong.

I should stop visiting threads like this. Insanity p***** the heck out of me and ruin an otherwise good day.
 
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CosmicPathos said:
This. No, then he is a shallow pig who thinks beauty is skin deep.
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So by your logic ,Is the OP a shallow sow who thinks handsomeness is skin deep as she said

I didn't like him because he was not the guy with nice hair and nice clothing on the picture, he was actually almost completely bald and he was so dark and just unattractive
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??
 
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Codmicpathos... U can think of me whatever u like... But u will never understand what I'm going through until u get in my shoeذ. As mean as I sound this is reality and we r nothing but humans... We like beauty and hate ugliness... Unless I had love for him then nothing would bother me no matter what but even that doesn't exist in me. As a human I couldn't like or love him but I do care. So I'm not a complete shallow pig as u would describe. I think anybody in my situation would think that they have been fooled into this marriage and that's what's really hurting me the most.
 
Potentially stupid question: Why wait until his immigration matters are sorted out before moving for divorce? Surely it would be better (if you are determined to divorce) to get it over with as soon as possible, and save you both wasting additional time and money.

Also, to be clear - you've said you find him unattractive. You've also said you found pornography on his mobile phone.

Are you feeling this way because of his looks, or because of his character? Is it a mixture of both? Do you lean more towards one element than the other, or is it something deeper?

Whatever your decision, you need to remember that you initially agreed to marry this man and have mothered a child with him.
 
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CosmicPathos said:
Stop generalizing. Many ppl from West force their children to leave the house at age 18 so these children fall into bad company, start drinking and start committing zina. Forcing someone into marriage is better than forcing someone into zina. Get your senses back.

Or ppl from West tell their daughters its ok to have a bf and sleep with him while shes 15 year old. Should I be disgusted by ALL westerners because of this fact?

And no, not all western girls like western guys. I am a typial brown person. A white med student girl was hitting on me yesterday and today as well. So you are proper wrong.

I should stop visiting threads like this. Insanity p***** the heck out of me and ruin an otherwise good day.
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did i say all people from india/ pakistan force their childrn to marry? did i say indian/pakistanis force their children to marry? no, i said many people from those countries force their children to marry someone without giving them a choice. so stop reading incorrectly and stop stop accusing. my reply was advice to a post and not a general post about indian/pakistani people. what i wrote is absolutely correct. ignoring the truth is not going to help. it's necessary to notice the bad points in your community/culture and to hate those bad points. only then will you be able to react and change them, starting by speaking about those thngs and pointing out that they are wrong and unislamic. overlooking the unislamic practices and not hating them will keep you from doing anything to bring change.
 
Assalamu alaykum sis,

I hope you don't mind what I am going to say. Previously, I thought it wasn't appropriate to judge your choices as I am not in your shoes and felt it was better to respect whatever decision you make and support you in it. But it's been on my conscience since (which brother Muezzin's post reminded me) and I feel by respecting your decision I have in a way encouraged you to break the law - as the marriage is only one of convenience for your husband to remain in the country now.

I know you care for your spouse and are willing to be patient until he gets his visa. But I fear that if I don't warn you I will be sinful by not speaking the truth. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) commanded us to obey the laws of the land (as long as they do not compromise our deen of course). The following ruling is in response to the question of whether paper marriages are haram. I know your marriage was not based on such intentions but that has become now and the aspect of deception still applies. I hope you find the following fatwa useful and together with your family consider how you all can support your spouse back home. If your husband is able bodied, he should seek work and if his income is not sufficient to provide for his needs, then his relatives should support him insha Allah. (See Quran 17:26-29)


http://islamqa.info/en/ref/103432


May Allah forgive me if I have wronged myself. Ameen.
 

Asalam Alaikkum,

I respect your decision and I dont judge anyone

I just wanna know one more thing, if you take enough time to find out about him? I mean focusing on his character?
Doesnt mean someone who prays on time and one who doesnt is better than the other (waking up in fajr)
or having pornos on his phone etc. We all are sinners

My point is, if you take enough time and you are convince enough that you cant stand his attitude more than his looks, I think you wont have single regret later on

I also pray you will not atleast disgust him, in the end he was once your real husband and you had a beautiful child with him. Cant avoid communicating with him for child's wellbeing

May Allah guide us all to the right path.
 
Riana17 said:
Asalam Alaikkum,

I respect your decision and I dont judge anyone

I just wanna know one more thing, if you take enough time to find out about him? I mean focusing on his character?
Doesnt mean someone who prays on time and one who doesnt is better than the other (waking up in fajr)
or having pornos on his phone etc. We all are sinners

My point is, if you take enough time and you are convince enough that you cant stand his attitude more than his looks, I think you wont have single regret later on

May Allah guide us all to the right path.
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I understand exactly what u mean.... But trust me there's no way I'm gonna work it out with him... I just simply don't wanna live my life and waste my time for someone I never eanted in the first place. It's much better to let him go because I don't wanna love him n I don't wanna be with him n I really can't stand him not even for a minute. Hes a man and he deserves someone to love and care abt him and his needs and trust me I am no where near caring or loving him... I'll probably flip his entire life to the worst (more then it already is)... I know I sound so wrong and ignorant but Im just so confident with my answer because I have already stay away from him 3 years just so he can come to the US... people think I waited that long because I love him... No I didn't.. And no one knows the truth of my kindness but Allah swt. He knows exactly y I was patient. I didn't wanna break hi heart on top of all that no America and no visa.... So If I can't give him love then at least I can give him visa lol and that's all I'm good for... So he needs to take it accept it and move on.... And so do I.
 

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