How do you guys deal with a family member's anger and your own?

[Islami.Mu'mina]

JazakAllahu khayran for the advice! Anyone is still free to add more commentary

 

[Studentofdeed]

Sister im so sorry you are going through this. Too be honest, I'm not the best person and may be hypocritical as I have the same issue. Parents yell at me and I realize I do not behave the best way and sometimes asterfollah shout back. I never hit them or make dua against them but sometimes wish inside my heart for Allah to hold them accountable but this passes. I always make dua for them and for me to get hidayh. Im a normally very passive but my anger gets the better of me and I start shouting but I never swear at others or call then names.

At this point, all I can say is try to grey rock them. Meaning pretend you don't hear them or if they speak to you in an insulting way, walk out the room. Is there an uncle or any male relative that can I assist you? An imam?

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Sister im so sorry you are going through this. Too be honest, I'm not the best person and may be hypocritical as I have the same issue. Parents yell at me and I realize I do not behave the best way and sometimes asterfollah shout back. I never hit them or make dua against them but sometimes wish inside my heart for Allah to hold them accountable but this passes. I always make dua for them and for me to get hidayh. Im a normally very passive but my anger gets the better of me and I start shouting but I never swear at others or call then names.

At this point, all I can say is try to grey rock them. Meaning pretend you don't hear them or if they speak to you in an insulting way, walk out the room. Is there an uncle or any male relative that can I assist you? An imam?

Yeah, I used to just ignore and not care but I don't know why I have been getting emotionally unstable after hearing it now. Walking out of the room would be a good solution but I am usually forced to listen or I'll just keep being followed so I really have nothing I can do about it except control my temper. Involving another person would make things a lot more worse because I'll be seen as a traitor, my parents like putting a perfect image outside. My mom has this obsessive relationship with reputation so ruining that relationship would make her a lot more angry than even disrespecting her, surprisingly.

Now that my dad is at work often, he never has the energy to pick on me for the most part. But I'm going to have to get used to my mom now because she's been avoiding me and talking to me in a hurtful manner since I wasn't able to finish cleaning the house for my brother's friend, lol.

SubhanAllah, she can be so nice often but some mistakes can completely change everything

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I guess I just really need to control myself when I am feeling low, inshaAllah I will learn how

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Islami.Mu'mina;

I guess I just really need to control myself when I am feeling low, inshaAllah I will learn how

The prophet; pbuh said; if you are angry standing up; then sit down. If you are angry sitting down; then lie down.

Now try and be angry when you are lying down.

On a similar note, if your mom is shouting and talking fast when she is angry, you can respectfully say what you want to say; but talk back to her slowly and quietly. You can't calm your mom down, only she can do that herself. The only person you can calm down is yourself, you can do this by sitting down, lying down, talking slower and quieter.

I would hold back from arguing with her but I would get extremely angry and violent thoughts which would make me want to violently hurt her but instead I end up hitting myself and ripping my hair out.

Strangely enough, this tells me that you are a kind and caring person. You can't hurt other people, so you turn your anger against yourself. You have to understand that Allah cares for all his creation, that includes you, and it includes your mom. You will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to Allah. Pray for your mum, that Allah may bless her with the wisdom strength and the peace to do his will. If you make this prayer for your mom, Allah will do his part, but you must also do yours. Saying sorry often helps, someone has to say it first. You want to work towards a solution where neither you win, but rather that neither you or your mother loose. You have a lifetime ahead of you, you only have one mother.

You may have children one day, then you will struggle with exactly the same kind of battles that your mom is struggling with now. Being a dependent child is tough, but I think being a parent is even tougher. We love and care for our children and often it is out of pure frustration that parents loose control.

May Allah bless you and your family with the wisdom, strength and the peace to do his will.

Eric

 

[Studentofdeed]

Yeah, I used to just ignore and not care but I don't know why I have been getting emotionally unstable after hearing it now. Walking out of the room would be a good solution but I am usually forced to listen or I'll just keep being followed so I really have nothing I can do about it except control my temper. Involving another person would make things a lot more worse because I'll be seen as a traitor, my parents like putting a perfect image outside. My mom has this obsessive relationship with reputation so ruining that relationship would make her a lot more angry than even disrespecting her, surprisingly.

Now that my dad is at work often, he never has the energy to pick on me for the most part. But I'm going to have to get used to my mom now because she's been avoiding me and talking to me in a hurtful manner since I wasn't able to finish cleaning the house for my brother's friend, lol.

SubhanAllah, she can be so nice often but some mistakes can completely change everything

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I guess I just really need to control myself when I am feeling low, inshaAllah I will learn how

Know you are doing better than me and are a better muslim. May Allah reward you for your efforts

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

The prophet; pbuh said; if you are angry standing up; then sit down. If you are angry sitting down; then lie down.

Now try and be angry when you are lying down.

Thank you!! I remember reading this! I keep forgetting about important sunnahs I need to implement. I used to follow many of these things longer ago and I was a much better, calmer person. I think now that I have been more conscious of Allah, I will be more willing to change. I will definitely try this one out, although she will be confused on why I will be laying down haha

I think it is better to take this precaution and start calming yourself down as soon as you realize you are starting to become angry. Because at that state of mind, you are still thinking normally.. But as you get angrier and angrier and fall victim to yourself, you start getting more irrational.

You want to work towards a solution where neither you win, but rather that neither you or your mother loose

I like the way you put this out. Sometimes people are focused on winning which we already know is wrong. But at the same time, there are some others who allow themselves to lose in a way so that the other party wins, kind of like appeasement.. Constantly giving the person what they want till the point it becomes detrimental to yourself. Trying to stop the latter can be more challenging than trying to win yourself. It requires hard work and a balance, but also the will to not back down and stay strong, yet positive and rational at the same time

Saying sorry often helps, someone has to say it first.

Yeah this is something I have stopped doing as well. Sometimes it is extremely hard to say sorry, especially if you think you're the right one.. But it can be beneficial, I wish I could suck up all my feelings and just say it effortlessly.. InshaAllah I will learn to do this more often

Strangely enough, this tells me that you are a kind and caring person. You can't hurt other people, so you turn your anger against yourself. You have to understand that Allah cares for all his creation, that includes you, and it includes your mom. You will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to Allah. Pray

This is a very important message. I think it'll help me calm myself in an argument, especially the "You will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to Allah". It'll help me realize that everyone i am currently arguing with, belongs to Allah. It's a warning as well, we shouldn't harm others because you don't know that this person could be extremely special in the eyes of Allah. And that goes for ourselves as well, we should always try to help ourselves and stay positive instead of ruining our own happiness.


JazakAllahu khayran, some specific sentences of these will be helpful to remember in arguments inshaAllah

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Know you are doing better than me and are a better muslim. May Allah reward you for your efforts

JazakAllahu khayran, you never know, you may be dealing with a harder situation
May Allah grant you ease in dealing with others

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

I think sometimes, we just need to learn to battle against ourselves. Because even though we can be oppressed by others, even in these situations.. We may have pride.. Having to prove that we are right and the other side does not deserve our kindness. And yes, in some situations, maybe the other side really doesn't deserve your kindness.

But set that all aside. And learn to challenge and change yourself with a positive mindset. Because this is what'll actually make you happier. If we are so hung up on whose oppressing us, we ought to become angry and depressed at this point.

And when you finally are able to change yourself, it may be that others around you will change. But even if they don't, at least they wont be able to hurt you.
Then YOU will be the one getting good rewards more effortlessly after all the challenging you've done.

Of course changes aren't easy, but when they happen.. They are rewarding!

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JazakAllahu khayran to you two who took some of your time and effort to reply.

I enjoyed this nice reminder.. It has reminded me of the person I need to be

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

JazakAllahu khayran, you never know, you may be dealing with a harder situation
May Allah grant you ease in dealing with others

[MENTION=43429]Studentofdeed[/MENTION]

I meant to say this but I worded it in a way that came off wrong, I don't know if you read it but ^^^ is the updated message

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Islami.Mu'mina;

If I am drinking a cup of coffee and you bump into me, then I spill the coffee. If I am drinking a cup of tea and you bump into me, then I spill tea. We can only spill what is already in our cup, be it tea or coffee.

But what do I ALREADY carry in my heart and mind, because when you knock me, or life's problems knock me; that is what is going to come out of my mouth. Is it going to be the anger that I have carried for the last ten years, or will it be the kindness and compassion that I have been carrying for the last ten years.

True justice rarely happens here on Earth, often things will happen years ago that make us angry and resentful. Then every future unfairness just adds to our pot of anger, so after enduring ten years of perceived unfairness, our angry pot becomes full to overflowing. The anger you have from an incident today, is an opportunity to spill out the anger you have carried for the last ten years.

Somehow, you need to draw a line under all the past years of unfairness, anger and resentment. Forgiveness is a lifetime journey always one day at a time, you can never forget the past, but you can learn to forgive and let go of past angry thoughts. Just by thinking, I forgive you, and praying that Allah will not punish your mom, but rather that Allah will bless your mom, this is the road to recovery. Given time you can truthfully believe that you have let go.

Even though I do not know you, I feel confident in saying, if you can truthfully come to terms with forgiving your mum, you will find a profound sense of peace; it will set you free. It will feel like a huge burden has been taken away from you. You will become the kind and caring person that Allah created you to be, you can set the world on fire with kindness, it spreads.

In the spirit of praying for a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Eric

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Greetings and peace be with you Islami.Mu'mina;

If I am drinking a cup of coffee and you bump into me, then I spill the coffee. If I am drinking a cup of tea and you bump into me, then I spill tea. We can only spill what is already in our cup, be it tea or coffee.

But what do I ALREADY carry in my heart and mind, because when you knock me, or life's problems knock me; that is what is going to come out of my mouth. Is it going to be the anger that I have carried for the last ten years, or will it be the kindness and compassion that I have been carrying for the last ten years.

True justice rarely happens here on Earth, often things will happen years ago that make us angry and resentful. Then every future unfairness just adds to our pot of anger, so after enduring ten years of perceived unfairness, our angry pot becomes full to overflowing. The anger you have from an incident today, is an opportunity to spill out the anger you have carried for the last ten years.

Somehow, you need to draw a line under all the past years of unfairness, anger and resentment. Forgiveness is a lifetime journey always one day at a time, you can never forget the past, but you can learn to forgive and let go of past angry thoughts. Just by thinking, I forgive you, and praying that Allah will not punish your mom, but rather that Allah will bless your mom, this is the road to recovery. Given time you can truthfully believe that you have let go.

Even though I do not know you, I feel confident in saying, if you can truthfully come to terms with forgiving your mum, you will find a profound sense of peace; it will set you free. It will feel like a huge burden has been taken away from you. You will become the kind and caring person that Allah created you to be, you can set the world on fire with kindness, it spreads.

In the spirit of praying for a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Eric

I think from this my mind is actually opening up. I never really understood how people forgave over major things for the sake of making themselves happy.. But I do kind of get it now, because I am not being stubborn and shutting out this idea from reaching me. I made an analogy out of what you said, including the tea. I don't know if it's a good one, but I think it suits me and helps me

Everyone has their valuable cup of tea. Inside this cup is the tea, which is what represents yourself. It's something vulnerable that you must protect, because a perfectly filled cup of warm tea is the ideal cup of tea that everyone wants.. We all have a nicely filled warm cup of tea. There will be times where life's problems are bad enough to knock a little tea out of the cup, making us feel distraught. We already lost some of that tea. Becoming angry and holding everything in will gradually heat up this tea.. Until it slowly starts boiling.. Overtime, the tea will end up evaporating faster from all the boiling... due to our own anger...And we will harm ourselves because the boiling/anger is what's bringing us away from protecting the tea/what we already have. The oppression that occurred cannot be undone, and we cannot get that tea back. But we can learn to work with the tea we have. We can still have the perfectly warm tea that makes us happy. We can still be happy even if people have taken something away from us... for as long as we do not let our anger lead us to our doom and an empty cup.

And really, forgiveness is what frees us from burden and anger..

 

[Revert alYunani]

Well... Too bad its edited..

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Islami.Mu'mina;

I made an analogy out of what you said, including the tea. I don't know if it's a good one, but I think it suits me and helps me

Well done for thinking this through. When I read a beneficial quote, I often end up trying to add questions or rewrite it in some way. Keep challenging what you read by always searching for a greater good. The more you question and challenge, the closer you will come to the truth.

Often there are things in our scriptures that don't make sense. The scriptures are correct, so we have to keep challenging our own understanding until they make sense.

The person who angers you also controls you. They make you think and feel in ways you don't want to. When you can truly let go of the past, forgive your mom, and pray that Allah will bless her, then you will find peace. When you let go of the past, you can now deal with what is happening in the present time..

May Allah bless you, your mom and those you love and care for,
Eric