How much do I have to obey my husband?

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Olivia

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I've been married for a year and I'm trying to be an obedient wife but it has become increasingly difficult. Every time I try to discuss anything with my husband he tells me to be quiet, so we have never actually had a complete discussion about anything. If I try to talk anyway, he tells me that it is his right that I obey him, so I remain quiet. I stay home everyday and am not allowed to leave without his permission. If I want to take a walk outside, he tells me, "is it necessary for you to go? Women should only leave the house when necessary". He has taken me to the masjid a few times, but I know he hates taking me. He is horrible with money. He pays the bills but never has anything saved up so I can never buy anything for myself. He got into an argument with my parents soon after my wedding and has hated them ever since. He says I'm not supposed to tell my parents anything about him. I asked him what am I supposed to say if they ask how he is doing, he said don't say anything. He doesn't like sex so even if I wanted to deny him sex in an effort to get him to listen to me, it would be useless. I think he was hoping he would get over his porn addiction if he married me, but that didn't work out at all.
I asked him what I'm supposed to do everyday at home by myself, but he said it's not his job to entertain me. He is verbally abusive, telling me how much prettier my sister is than me, threatening me with divorce, telling me to get an abortion (until I had a miscarriage), repeating my secrets to his mother, etc. but he prays and fasts and is in general a good muslim, so I have been advised not to leave him. I really don't know what to do. I'm going out of my mind. The hardest part is feeling like I'm going to go to hell all the time because I haven't obeyed the newest order my husband made up. If he tells me to sit, and I don't want to sit, it is a major sin on me.
How do other women handle this? How much am I required to obey my husband?
 
As much as he right Islamically. And he has to listen to you as much as you are right Islamically.
 
Sister, before knowing how much you have to obey your husband in Islam, is first knowing and understanding what Islam is all about. When you know and understand what Islam is all about, that is the moment you also know the limits of the obeying your husband part. As the husband also has to obey his wife. So i would say, study Islam a bit more if you can because certain things that he has said although Allah knows if they are exactly like that don't add up.

Also as a Muslima, never marry a brother who has such problems as he had with porn addiction. This is a fight that brothers themselves have to overcome. No marriage can solve that problem. As in porn everything looks as if it is "better".

Have a honest conversation with him and spread out all the problems on the table. Your problems and his problems. Communication is the key and if he does not want to talk about it, remember him to

"...Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves..." Qur'an 13:11

The choice is his.
 
As long as he asks you to do permissible things.

And there is a principle you should memorize. It will come in handy in other situations also.

There is no obedience to the creation in disobedience of the Creator.
​


Principle which is applicable in all situations even with parents.
 
:salam:


These cherry pickers don't know Islam themselves and they tell others what Islam is. Clearly he is abusing his position and this will only lead to breakdown of the marriage, not sustain it. He needs to be schooled about what are the rights of the husband AND the wife, and told to chill with this "obey the husband" line he misuses for everything. I would suggest to empower yourself with knowledge. The more you know Islam, the less others will oppress you in the name of Islam. And I would suggest reaching out to your local imam to seek advice and even marriage counseling in this matter.

Here's some readings to start with inshallah:
https://islamqa.info/en/10680
https://www.islamweb.net/en/article/151196/the-rights-of-the-husband-upon-the-wife
https://www.islamswomen.com/marriage/fiqh_of_marriage_8.php
 
If your husband's requests don't conflict with Islam, Of course you listen him. And according to Islam, he should listen to you and your ideas! I wish a great life to you and your husband Insallah!
 
:salam:

While you should obey him. This right of authority shouldn't be abused.

I.e. telling one's wife to do a halal thing for 10 hours straight, and nothing else, is abusing one's authority. Or requesting something unreasonable, although what is requested is not haram.

Like: "bring me Tea, and don't do anything else".

Allahu alam.
 

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