Assalaamu alaikum Sitting,
(smile) Welcome to the Forum, and ma sha Allah for your efforts to get closer to Allah!
I have read your posts on this, and other threads, and from what I understand you have the following situation: You are the eldest of five children of a father who is not a responsible person in your life, who never identified as Muslim, and for whom you have little respect. You are in your later teens, and your siblings are teens and tweens. Your mother married a man 5 years ago who reverted to Islam perhaps for her sake? Your mother has health issues. You have deepened your interest in Islam more recently. You look up to your mother's extended family as models in Islam. You would like to bring your family into an understanding of Islam more in line with what you believe to be correct. Your mother feels you are being a bit sassy and trying to tell her what to do. You have a younger sister who you feel is being a bit sassy and telling you what to do. You started this thread to find out ways to try to get your stepfather to practice as you do.
(smile) If I have made a mistake, please let me know.
(smile) I wonder if you can perhaps try to see your family through another angle: your step-father, for instance, strikes me as a rather good man. There are not many men who would take on another man's five children and a sick wife, you know. He is also responsible and trying to earn money for the family. His Islam is a little weak? Well, this is not surprising. He is, you know, an older man, and a new Muslim. It is not easy in these circumstances to embrace quite a radically different way of life than the one he is used to. (smile) He probably understands Islam through a different lens, you know. What is beautiful for you, might not seem that way for him. He probably has many misconceptions that (sigh) tend to be confirmed by people who loudly proclaim themselves as Muslims, but who do not behave very well. He also may well have health issues that you may not be well aware of. (smile) As we go into our 40's and 50's, you know, we are not as strong and capable as we used to be when we were young adults. (smile) But men rather dislike discussing their decreasing physical prowess, especially at such an age. It is a hard time for men, as they slowly come to grips with the fact that they are no longer as attractive and as able as they used to be. You say he makes excuses for not fasting... well, maybe there are reasons for this...?
Your mother, it seems to me, has quite a lot on her plate. She's birthed and raised five children (and this is a LOT of work, you know!), perhaps mostly by herself. She is now faced with five children who are at a difficult time in their lives: they are searching for their independent selves, and they can be rather focused on themselves. (smile) Each one of you children is searching for themselves, and trying to assert themselves and feeling that they know more than their mother... and this is all quite normal. But how hard it is for your mother to be constantly trying to not only run a household, but to be continually dealing with everyone's emotional ups and downs and being told that she's wrong or inadequate in this or that! (smile) And on top of that, she's probably very tired from her sickness. Furthermore, she may be also going through a difficult period herself. Pre-menopause is not easy on a woman, you know. She feels the loss of her attractiveness, her hormones (and emotions) can be a bit roller-coaster-like too, and the aches and pains of aging start to creep up on her.
(smile) You know, in Islam, there is quite an emphasis on children being kindly towards their parents, especially their mothers. (twinkle) In fact, all traditional societies that I am aware of emphasize this. I think it is because it is a very normal part of youth to feel that their parents are a bit inadequate, and to perhaps be a little unfair towards those that they don't understand yet (smile. Once you've started taking on the responsabilities of a family yourself, you start to gain this understanding...!).
Are parents perfect? Oh goodness, no! But it seems to me that your mother and stepfather are trying their best to be good parents to you. (smile) Of course, you are trying to be a good person too. But as you, too, are human, you are also not perfect. (smile) One of the lessons of this life, I think, is to learn to be a little loving and forgiving of one another's imperfections. And of our own imperfections.
Calling someone to Islam is a subtle and gradual process, you know. It requires knowledge, not just of Islam (and this is something that takes years to acquire, my dear), but of how humans are, in all their beauty and weakness. And it requires love, patience, kindness, strength...
(smile) Does this mean you can do nothing? Oh no, my dear! You can play a very important role in your family. As you are the eldest, you have quite an effect, you know. Right now, it seems to me that you are a bit at cross-currents with your mother and stepfather. And this weakens the whole family structure. But if you were to throw your weight behind them (and not critisize them in front of your siblings), you could help bring all your siblings into line, and this can protect them from getting into trouble during this difficult time in their lives (smile. Incidentally, the difficulty in getting children to pray without reminders and efforts... is totally normal. Just as they need to be reminded to clean their rooms, and do their homework...!)
Islam is not just about prayers and fasting, you know. It is mostly about the way we live our day-to-day lives. Supporting your family at your young age is very difficult... but the tests that can bring us closest to Allah are the most difficult ones, I find. Allah Loves our small, but regular deeds more than big, seemingly important ones. Helping your mother with running the house and dealing with your younger siblings may not seem like as wonderful a deed as bringing everyone to be perfect Muslims... but it is increasing the Islam within you. (smile) And you know, at the end of the day, it is only yourself that you can truly change. And it is only yourself for whom you are responsible before God.
(smile) You know, when the young grandsons of the Prophet (SAWS) came across an old man who was doing his wudu incorrectly one day... they didn't up-front tell him: you are wrong! They respected his dignity. So instead, they let him do as he was doing, then they did their wudu themselves, with the one boy instructing the other boy in how to do it correctly. Seeing this, the old man was able to realize his mistake without being embarrassed by it.
If you are kindly and caring with your family members, while praying and fasting, and doing all the things you feel you should do for Allah's Sake... this is a powerful form of da'wah, you know. (smile) Subtle, but powerful. It doesn't mean that everyone will do exactly as you do; they have their own choices in life to make. Indeed, this is something that Allah has Gifted them with: the freedom to choose. But it does increase the chances that the people around you may be more inclined to talk with you and learn from you. (smile) Building strong relationships of love and trust take time and effort. But these are the bonds that are the most powerful when calling to Islam.
(smile) And perhaps, one day (maybe years away...), your stepfather may agree, out of love for you, to wake up at suhoor, to share this special time with you. And perhaps one day, he may try to fast part of the day, as a child does, to get used to this unfamiliar hardship and increase his stamina. (smile) Perhaps. There is no guarantee. But as long as you have done the best you can do to be a good Muslim in your interactions with him... then you have done your duty before Allah.
(smile) And the rest is in His Hands, my dear. You are not a failure if they don't follow Islam as you do. If you are doing your best to be a good Muslim... let go of the rest. It's not your responsibility. Only Allah can Help people who chose to change their hearts. And if we have any impact on other people... it is only by His Will.
I salute your good intentions and efforts, and I wish you all the best in this difficult journey, my dear. (smile) And if you need any hugs along the way... you can always PM me (once you've done the required number of posts on this forum to access this feature)
May Allah, the Victory Giver, Sustain us in our efforts to please Him, and Open the way for us and our loved ones to be together in Paradise.
Yes, I was a 'naughty' Muslim man too in the past.
