[s.ali123]

Salam Alaikum bros and sis!
My question is somewhat general. I sometimes feel and even some people told me that when I speak with someone I seem as if I am angry at them. While I am really not angry at them and I myself try to smile as much as I can while talking with someone. But the people who frst time meet me, think as if I am rude and proud in my style. May it had something to do with my culture, Pakistani. How should I improve it.

Also when I talk with someone from opposite gender like my sister or anyone, sometimes I get complains that I dont keep their feelings in my mind while choosing the words, and express myself in not so good manner. What can I do to improve my behaviour.
Jazakallho Khair

 

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam, brother.

I have small business in Indonesia, and I've ever had two customers who were Pakistani government officer. They sent to study in my city. One of them, indeed, looked arrogant. But the another was different. He was very friendly person. I've ever seen him in masjid few times, and I saw there were always people who greet him. He was indeed, be liked by the others.

What made him be liked by the others?. Because he likes the others. I could feel it when he came to my office and interact with me. I could see that he is a person who always see other people with positive view, who believe that everyone basically is good. Other people could feel it, and then see him with positive view too, and like him.

Brother, always see the others with the positive view. It will be reflected to your attitude and expression when you are interacting with other people. In Shaa Allah, it will make the others have positive view on you too.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Wa alaikum assalaam Ali,


Mmm... it's hard to say. (smile) Because you generally come across in a good way on this Board.

(pensively) Are you are higher class Pakistani (I somewhat suspect you are)? Because something I noticed during a brief visit to Pakistan, was how class-divided the society seemed to be. A person could be fawning and servile to someone of higher status, and then become rather imperious and demanding to someone of lesser status (interspersed, perhaps, with flourishes of noblesse oblige). As a Canadian, I found this difficult.

Is it possible that your body-language and choice of words sometimes convey impressions that you think the people you are conversing with are socially inferior to you?

(smile) I could be completely wrong, but this is an idea that crossed my mind.

(twinkle) And as for complaints from sisters... mmm... this happens...!


May Allah, the Grateful, Help us to grow and change in positive ways.

 

[hamzahqadri1]

A wise man once said Salah softens one's face. A believer is one who sees himself in another beliver. We are tested ever day and everyday we pass or we fail based on our responses. Those close seem to get the short end of the stick were as a complete stranger get much attention.

 

[hamzahqadri1]

May Allah Ta'Ala Forgive us for our shortcomings and make us examples for the Ummah of Nabi Pak peace and blessings be on him!
Ameen!

 

[s.ali123]

Wa'alaikumsalam, brother.

I have small business in Indonesia, and I've ever had two customers who were Pakistani government officer. They sent to study in my city. One of them, indeed, looked arrogant. But the another was different. He was very friendly person. I've ever seen him in masjid few times, and I saw there were always people who greet him. He was indeed, be liked by the others.

What made him be liked by the others?. Because he likes the others. I could feel it when he came to my office and interact with me. I could see that he is a person who always see other people with positive view, who believe that everyone basically is good. Other people could feel it, and then see him with positive view too, and like him.

Brother, always see the others with the positive view. It will be reflected to your attitude and expression when you are interacting with other people. In Shaa Allah, it will make the others have positive view on you too.

That is a good advice. Alhamdulillah I follow it in my life. I try my best not to develop any opinion about someone; good or bad, even if he is drinking alcohol in front on me I make excuses in order to not think bad of anyone. Even I know some practicing people around me, who likes my company.
But every now and then, I get to hear from some people, that I am talking harshly with them. Some very close friend call me "bad tameez" because I pull their leg. But still they like to stay with me more. I dont know whether they mean it or not. I sometimes get upset due to these comments because I try my best to stay good with people, even the ones I don't know. Like today I offered chai to an egyptian person I met first time, even though he tried his best to resist it And I talked with him respecfully. Obviously it is nothing big, it normal attitude, but I am just telling how I deal even with many strangers.
Can you tell me some good book on the way how scholars and ancesstors dealt with people ? I am not able to tell completely what I want to say.

Once I gave mt student room to a girl from Pakistan on rent. I did not charge her any extra money (which is officially allowed). I just told her that I want security etc so that you dont go back of your promise (which happens many times). Anyways later one on a dinner with my another friend where she was also invited, she told us that when she talked with me first time, she said to her brother, " This person seems as if he has eaten bitter almond" (A paraphrase to say that he is does not talk nicely. But she said that later on her opinion changed because she came to know that my even normal way of speaking is little rigid. And that she does not think like that now. But even with her I did not talk anything extra, may be thats why she developed that opinion at start.

 

[s.ali123]

Wa alaikum assalaam Ali,


Mmm... it's hard to say. (smile) Because you generally come across in a good way on this Board.

(pensively) Are you are higher class Pakistani (I somewhat suspect you are)? Because something I noticed during a brief visit to Pakistan, was how class-divided the society seemed to be. A person could be fawning and servile to someone of higher status, and then become rather imperious and demanding to someone of lesser status (interspersed, perhaps, with flourishes of noblesse oblige). As a Canadian, I found this difficult.

Is it possible that your body-language and choice of words sometimes convey impressions that you think the people you are conversing with are socially inferior to you?

(smile) I could be completely wrong, but this is an idea that crossed my mind.

(twinkle) And as for complaints from sisters... mmm... this happens...!


May Allah, the Grateful, Help us to grow and change in positive ways.

No. I am not from high class. My house is in poor locality, but my family Alhamdulillah comes in middle class.
If you remember from the threae I made at start about mt family etc, do you think that what a person sees at home, like how farher treat mother etc, has an impact on how I deal with others? I used to be very angry child when I was very young. But later on with learning about Islam etc, I became much more tolerant. The only thing I am more worried about is how I would I deal with my owj family and wife. What if she find me to be same rigid and hard in my way of speaking! Already Pakistanis have bad reputation about dealing with family. I learned many things about how Prophet S.A.W. dealt with wife, but what if I am not able implement it comoletely, and in the end I am blamed about it because of my Pakistani culture etc and how I am brought up.

 

[ardianto]

Brother s.ali,

I knew few people who think negatively about themselves. They think they cannot be accepted by other people. They think they are disliked by other people. It makes them unfriendly when they are interacting with other people, although actually they are good people.

Indeed, if we think we are disliked by other people, then when we are interacting with someone, we will assume that this person dislike us. And our brain will order our body to show a message that "I dislike you too". It will make us behave unfriendly although we don't want it. And when we smile, our smile look not sincere.

Frankly, bro, after I read what you have written, I begin to thinking, probably you think negatively about yourself, which you think that other people cannot accept you. If this is the cause, then you have to change your view on yourself. Try to think positively about yourself. Believe that you can be accepted by the others, you can be liked by the others.

You don't have to be humorous, you don't need to able to talk much. You still can be yourself.

 

[s.ali123]

Brother s.ali,

I knew few people who think negatively about themselves. They think they cannot be accepted by other people. They think they are disliked by other people. It makes them unfriendly when they are interacting with other people, although actually they are good people.

Indeed, if we think we are disliked by other people, then when we are interacting with someone, we will assume that this person dislike us. And our brain will order our body to show a message that "I dislike you too". It will make us behave unfriendly although we don't want it. And when we smile, our smile look not sincere.

Frankly, bro, after I read what you have written, I begin to thinking, probably you think negatively about yourself, which you think that other people cannot accept you. If this is the cause, then you have to change your view on yourself. Try to think positively about yourself. Believe that you can be accepted by the others, you can be liked by the others.

You don't have to be humorous, you don't need to able to talk much. You still can be yourself.

Yes I think that may be true. I should be more positive. It was just I had hurted someone very close by my bad choice of words, and I was told that I should change myself, and probably it may be due to the place and family I was born that people don't mind even strict behaviour. Even the females in my extended family are very rough n tough, Lol.
Offcourse we should improve ourselves always, but we should also know what thing to improve I am not able to pinpoint at a single thing.

 

[hamzahqadri1]

Yes I think that may be true. I should be more positive. It was just I had hurted someone very close by my bad choice of words, and I was told that I should change myself, and probably it may be due to the place and family I was born that people don't mind even strict behaviour. Even the females in my extended family are very rough n tough, Lol.
Offcourse we should improve ourselves always, but we should also know what thing to improve [emoji14] I am not able to pinpoint at a single thing.

Agreed, useally our better half and family know what we lack as brothers. Shukran for the reminder.