How To Stop Being So Judgemental

[hisnameiszzz]

Salaams all.

Being judgemental is one of my biggest flaws. Someone tells me something and I end up forming a judgement which I know is wrong. Does anyone have any advice or support to help me stop being so judgemental? Are there any duas or prayers?

I've genuinely made an effort over the last few months to stop being judgemental, but somehow I always end up being judgemental again. It's something which is becoming really annoying and I would like to know if any of you guys have suffered from it and how you overcame it.

Many thanks in advance to anyone who may have time to help me.

 

[ardianto]

One day I drove my car with my wife (late) beside me. We passed a narrow uphill street, and in front of us there was a man who pushed a cart that full of goods. My car ran very slowly because I could not overtake him. My wife lost her patience and her hand moved, wanted to press the honk. But I held her hand.
"No! don't honk". I told her
"Why? He should be faster!"
"We almost arrive to the end of this street. After we arrive there, we can overtake him".

Then we arrived at the end of that uphill street. I overtake him. And my wife asked me
"Why you forbade me to honk?"
And I replied "To make him faster?. If he could push his cart faster, he must be would do it. But he couldn't do it"
My wife looked at my face and didn't say anything.

Okay bro, if you were in my position, would you honk to make him push his cart faster?. If you answer "I would", try to imagine if you were that man. Can you?

The reason why I didn't honk and forbade my wife to honk was because I could imagine if I was that man. I could imagine if I was a poor man who must work hard, push heavy cart on the uphill street, and then a rich man in his car honk me because he think I hinder his way. My heart would be very hurt, and I might be I would cry in my heart "Why this rich man doesn't understand how heavy the cart that I must push?. Why doesn't this rich man understand how hard my life?".

Young bro, if you have an ability to imagine if you were someone else, then you would understand the life of other people, and you would not easy to judge other people. I didn't judge that man as someone who hindered my way, but I saw him as someone who was in hard effort to fulfill his family needs. And I must respect him.

 

[ardianto]

To be honest, I have many hard times in my life, including the hardest time that happened last year when I lost my beloved wife forever. But I never lost my faith because I realize that Allah has given me many things. That's why I always feel grateful with my life, and grateful is the main factor that makes me have sympathy and empathy to other people who are not so lucky like me.

I was born in family with stable financial condition. That's my luck. But the better luck is, I grew up among people who taught me about grateful. I remember when they told me "You can enjoy your life because you were born in your family. But try to imagine if you were born in poor family and you must work hard like children who sell newspapers on the street?".

I pondered what they said. Then I began to observe the children on street. I observe what they did, I observe how they lived their life, and I started to imagine if I was one of them, how was my life?. I imagine if I was a boy who sell newspaper on the street, how was my life. I imagine if I was a child labor in home industry, how was my life?.

I learned how if I was someone else. And I began to have ability to feel what other people feel.



Frankly, although now I am a businessman, in my childhood I've ever had a dream to become psychologist in the future. It's because I love to observe the human behavior. Then I read psychology books and articles. I learned what makes someone has this behavior, that behavior. Then I began to observe the behavior of people around me, and tried to find what make them have behavior like this.

And as a Muslim boy, of course, I learned Islam too since I was kid. And one of many beneficial things that taught to me was "Husnudzon" attitude. Husnudzon is attitude that we have good assumption toward other people. This is contrary of "Suudzon", or attitude that we have bad prejudice toward other people. They taught me that I should have a clean heart in seeing other people, and do not thinking bad toward the other.

Combination of knowledge of human behavior and Husnudzon attitude really help me to far from being judgemental. I have met many people with bad behavior. But I always try to find the cause that make them have behavior like that. I always regard them as good people who make a mistake, not as bad people.

 

[ardianto]

Okay, now the time for advice.

Young bro, try to be grateful with what Allah has given to you. Maybe you think you are not so lucky like other people. But try to look at other side, and see how many people who are not so lucky like you, such as people who live in extreme poverty, disabled people, etc. If you feel grateful with your life, then you will have positive view about life in general. One factor that makes you easy to judge is you have negative view on life.

Try to learn about what other people feel. Notice the life of truck driver, then imagine if you were a truck driver. Notice the life of factory labor, and imagine if you were a factory labor. If you often do this, then you will have ability to feel what other people feel, and understand other people life. This ability will make you to not easy to judge someone.

Learn about human behavior. It will really help you to understand why someone has behavior like this, like that. And combine with husnudzon mindset. Do not ever thinking that someone is bad, but always thinking that everyone actually good person, but as a human they can make mistake. In Sha Allah, you will far from being a judgemental person.

Can you?. I believe you can because I believe that you are a good person, a good Muslim.

 

[greenhill]

Salaams.

To find a cure, we must be aware of the "problem", and you recognise it as being judgemental. That is a positive start. There would be no cure if you did not believe that you were.

You have put in the effort to stop but found that you are reverting back. Applaud yourself for being serious in this matter and that you care enough to improve yourself to be at pains when you find yourself not following the course which you have charted, in this case to not be judgemental.

There are many areas in life where people should seek to improve, procrastination, telling little white lies, discouraging/pessimist, judgemental, impatience, dismissive, etc etc...

For me, these kinds of things need our attention all the time and we need to noticeit when it happens and put an immediate stop to it. Like our minds wandering off when we pray. We know we shouldn't but it happens anyway, and as soon as you notice it, you take immediate action. It is the uphill climb, brother and it isn't easy. Just have to keep at it until it becomes part of you..


Peace :shade:

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Salaams all.

Many thanks for your responses ARDIANTO and GREENHILL. I am so sorry to hear about wife GREENILL. I do hope that you are OK and things are going OK in your life. May Allah rest her soul.

With regards to honking at the man, I wouldn't do that. I have no problem with patience, it was more judgemental issues that I have.

Let me give you an example with work. Due to confidentiality, I have changed some of the ages/details. A 16 year old female presents and says she is pregnant. I'm already judging her and thinking you nasty *****. Further into the conversation, I find out she got pregnant on a one night stand by a 50 year old man who was drunk. By which time, I want to throw up. I know I am meant to empathise and put myself in her position and think like her, but that is something I would never ever do so I can't really emphasise.

In the outside world, I have changed my ideology. I don't look at people. I tend to look down when I am walking so I don't see people/things and make a judgement on them.

PS. I am looking for other jobs as I know this job is not for me and I think I might end up having a meltdown or say something I am not supposed to if I carry on.

 

[ardianto]

I know I am meant to empathise and put myself in her position and think like her, but that is something I would never ever do so I can't really emphasise.

If I could think like other people then I already got Nobel prize because I could think like Einstein.

We cannot think like other people, but we can understand why someone think like that, if we understand the situation. Sometime someone came to me and expected an advice. But in the case like this I always put myself in neutral position after I tried to understand the situation, so I can give the best advice.

In this case, I tried to put myself in your position to make me understand the situation, but then I put myself in neutral position when I was giving the advice. It's because if I still in your position when I gave advice, then my advice would not far from "Be patient bro, we are living in the world that full of sick people!"

Many thanks for your responses ARDIANTO and GREENHILL. I am so sorry to hear about wife GREENILL. I do hope that you are OK and things are going OK in your life. May Allah rest her soul.

She's my wife. And Jazak Allah Khayr for your dua.

 

[greenhill]

I am so sorry to hear about wife GREENILL

As brother Ardianto said, it's his wife. Mine is still alive and well, alhamdulillah... but it is a simple typo.

Always best to find jobs or environment conducive to practicing the way of our faith.. all the best.

eace:

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Oh Allah forgive me. I am so sorry for that typo. I meant Ardiantos wife. I am sorry for the mistake. I feel really bad now. :exhausted:exhausted

 

[ardianto]

Oh Allah forgive me. I am so sorry for that typo. I meant Ardiantos wife. I am sorry for the mistake. I feel really bad now. :exhausted:exhausted

Let me hug you to make you feel better. It's okay, bro, it's okay. I am sure that brother Greenhill is not angry too.