[AnonymousPoster]

I am hoping someone can give me some good advice..

I have been married for two years, and I told my husband everything before we got married. I was not always Muslim, and grew up in American lifestyle. I did haram things like dating, drinking, etc. These were not excessive for an American, and I was always a very shy girl so didn't get into trouble with excess as many do. So, he knew all this. FULL DISCLOSURE from the get-go.

The problem is.. He likes to always bring up my past and remind me of it. He asks me questions and tries to get me to talk about it. Honestly, I've forgotten all my past life and even thinking about it makes me disgusted, regretful and depressed.

I remember reading somewhere that you are not supposed to bring up past sins AT ALL. I also know that all sins before becoming Muslim are forgiven and you are given a clean slate.

What can I do about these terrible questions he is asking me? He is so persistent and cruel with reminding me of them. He doesn't MEAN to be cruel but it does hurt me. He is obsessed with my past! :exhausted:

I know Allah is most forgiving, most merciful and with becoming Muslim, my past sins were forgiven. Even through this, I still PAY for them everyday with suffering from guilt and scars and being reminded by my jealous husband.

He does trust me without issues. There were no thoughts of cheating or anything like that (God forbid, disgusting!).. He knows I am a good wife in our present life and other men don't even have any interest to me at all. My eyes are blind to their existence for the most part. (unless I have to interact, say, at work or at the doctor)

How can he learn to FORGIVE AND FORGET? :?

 

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum wr wb,

Sis, I'm sad to hear you're being treated like this. Have you ever told your husband how his questioning makes you feel? Allah subhana wa ta'ala has forgave your sins the minute you reverted to Islam. I think you should remind your husband this.

In my own experience of life, I've found that sometimes talking to someone is like banging your head against a brick wall. I don't know how many times you might have talked to him or even if you have. But it feels to me as if talking about it won't achieve much and he might go silent for a while only to bring it up again later. So I'm going to suggest that you write him a letter and let him read it in private for your words to sink in.

Perhaps something like this which is doesn't hold back your exact feelings...

Dear (his name)

asalam alaikum wr wb,

I find it difficult to talk to you about this, and that's why I'm writing it here. I came into Islam because I realised the Truth and the error of my ways. I felt grateful and happy to know that Allah forgave me my past sins when I became a muslim. It means so much to me to be a muslim and to forget the life I lived before that. Alhumdulillah my life is now pure of the actions of my past and I'm striving to continue being a good muslim.

But sometimes, I feel that my past has followed me into my new life. The questions you ask hurt me deeply as that part of my life is over and not one I am proud of. It's painful to be reminded of what I was and not be appreciated for what I have become. I feel humiliated and sad and wonder what I have done wrong to deserve this. I know you do not mean to hurt me, but the fact is that this is hurting me more than you can imagine.


I want to feel secure and happy in our marriage and look forward instead of behind. I cannot change my past, but for the sake of Allah I can make my present and future pleasing to Him. It's hard to live in the present when my past is thrown at me for no reason.


It's hard for me to understand this when Islam's message is the opposite.

The Prophet (SAW) said,

"Do not be envious of other Muslims; do not overbid at auctions against another Muslim; do not have malice against a Muslim; do not go against a Muslim and forsake him; do not make an offering during a pending transaction. O' servants of Allah, be like brothers (or sisters) with each other. A Muslim is the brother (or sister) of another Muslim; do not hurt him (or her), or look down upon him (or her) or bring shame on him (or her). Piety is a matter of heart (The Prophet (SAW) repeated this thrice). It is enough evil for a person to look down upon his Muslim brother (or sister). The blood, property and honor of a Muslim is inviolable to a Musilm." (Muslim)


The Prophet (SAW) said,

"None of you has Iman (faith) until he desires for his brother (or sister) Muslim that which he desires for himself (or herself)." (Bukhari and Muslim)


Quran: "...And lower your wing for the believers (be courteous to the fellow-believers)." (Al-Hijr 15:88)


I see that Islam forbids hurting another muslim, which makes me even sadder to know that happens. Please, don't be mad at me or think that I am disrespecting you or anything. All I am asking for is to not be reminded of my past. I love you and want to be the best wife to you. Please stop asking me questions that cause me so much pain and misery. If you can't do it for me, then please do it for the sake of Allah.

May Allah have mercy on us both. Ameen.

yours lovingly,

(Your name)

SubhanAllah, that made me emotional just writing it *gulps*

I dunno if that's what you want to do sis. But it's worth trying inshaAllah.
Additionally, make duaa to Allah to change your husband's behavior and also make salatul-Hajat and make duaa specifically for this purpose. InshaAllah.

I will pray for you too inshaAllah.

Love & duaas,

wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullaah



islam erases everything before it, get your husband to understand that your not who you use to be, and so feeling jelous of your past is like being jelous of someone else.

at least thats how i see it..

 

[cute123]

i understand the feeling , like its those doubts getting created in his head. first of all u dont get bothered as u r not on the wrong side. secondly be steadfast in ur faith more and pray a lot .

 

[Tania]

Ask him about his past. Why should you be the only one in the family which is talking about the past times.

 

[crayon]

Maybe he did some stuff in the past that he's ashamed of, that he hasn't told you about, and so he's just feeling insecure about himself and taking it out on you?

Try to talk to him about it, tell him how it makes you feel. Make dua'a. If all else fails just ignore him whenever he brings up that topic again. Ignoring always works...

 

[Umar001]

As Salam Alaykum,

along with the other advice, maybe, if you dont do already, you should make him feel extra special. Sometimes it seems that women want to feel that only, but men might want to too. He may worry that he isn't making you as happy as you were in the past with your old life style. If that's the case then imagine the torture he goes through, worrying whether he is truly the only man that you want.

Let me give you an example of what a man may find in your speech that may make him feel worse;

He does trust me without issues. There were no thoughts of cheating or anything like that (God forbid, disgusting!).. He knows I am a good wife in our present life and other men don't even have any interest to me at all. My eyes are blind to their existence for the most part. (unless I have to interact, say, at work or at the doctor)

You wrote, 'other men dont even have any interest in me at all' now that wont make him feel any better, hearing that would, generally I guess, make him feel worse, reasons being:

1. He has a wife which noone would want.

2. More importantly, this doesnt say that you wouldnt want them, but rather that they dont want you, he may started getting wisphers about what if they did want you would you go back to such guys etc.

Anyhow, just make it clear to him always how much he means to you, in every area of your life!! Make him feel special, and make him feel amazing.

 

[AvarAllahNoor]

Seems like you've moved on and he's not. He needs to embrace Islam more fully, as he obviously has issues with your past. Which is where is should stay!

 

[Eeman]

Dear sister these are issues that your husband has they are nothing but his own insecurities and there is nothing youcan do aboutit you can try your uttermost best to be extra nice or special to him or to try and talk to him or let him know how much you love him and how you have left your past behind it wont make NO difference, i am speaking from experience when i say this,

you need to accept that its not you but ur husband's eemaan that is weak whn a person has insecurities there is nothing that any human being can do to get rid of those insecurities the person with the insecurities need to tackle it themselves but the saddest thing about these people are that they dont even know that they are the problem, they do not see it and therefore are in denial.

i know it hurts and i know exactly how much it hurts but you need to accept the fact that no one can judge you but Allah swt and only He knows what is really in your heart,
so you need to let that sink in your heart and believe in it very firmly and once you do no matter what he says or as a matter of fact whoever says then it wont bother you nor upset you.

Look sis we are only here in this temporary life as a test and i know that at times no matter how hard it is to not get involved with this dunya we end up just doing that,
your husband is doing nothing but firstly wronging himself, he has no right to judge you and throw things in your face and who is he to talk anyhow, a goodmusim starts from pointing a finger at himself and admits his own faults and where he went wrong or needs to perfect first rather than pointing fingers at other people.

just remember that Allah swt is the all Knower, all Seer of everything, and He knows and sees who is in the wrong and He is only with those that tell the truth and are steadfast, so just make dua to Him and ask Him to guide your husbands heart cos it sounds like your husband has traces of hypocrisy in him.

I pray that Insha'Allah Allah swt helps you out and your husband stops being so unfair.