I am engaged and he is great, but...

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Selam.
I am a 19 year old young adult who has been engaged for about 2 years. I really like the guy I am engaged to, however, we've been distant for thoes past 2 years because of different destinations. However, he is a cousin of mine, so it isn't any random guy. For the past two years that we have been talking our feelings have really grown. But, recently, I'm having this strange feeling like my "feeling" is fading. I really don't want it to either because he's a really decent guy. I was wondering if it may be Seytan who is tricking me into thinking this? Also, because I am 19 a lot of people judge me for being engaged too young and that I shouldn't think aboiut marriage at this age. However, I think the total oppisite. I think I can still get married and continue my education.

anyhoo, going back to my troubles, is this a sign by God saying it won't work? Seytan trickign me? Or is it because of the longing and waiting to finally reunite ? (We will be be together this summer inshallah). And What should I to prevent myself from thinking like this if it is nothing to worry about?
 
hmmm have you made istikhara? 2 years is along time to be engaged maybe that's why the spark is going out now, when you get married it might come back inshallah. but many couples after a while the spark goes out so you have to find ways to renew it :p
 
KittenLover said:
hmmm have you made istikhara? 2 years is along time to be engaged maybe that's why the spark is going out now, when you get married it might come back inshallah. but many couples after a while the spark goes out so you have to find ways to renew it :p
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Well, I do know many couples lose the spark during their marriage as well, but they find ways to either get along together without it, renew it or divorce. what do you think I should do? Any tips?
 
songul said:
Selam.
I am a 19 year old young adult who has been engaged for about 2 years. I really like the guy I am engaged to, however, we've been distant for thoes past 2 years because of different destinations. However, he is a cousin of mine, so it isn't any random guy. For the past two years that we have been talking our feelings have really grown. But, recently, I'm having this strange feeling like my "feeling" is fading. I really don't want it to either because he's a really decent guy. I was wondering if it may be Seytan who is tricking me into thinking this? Also, because I am 19 a lot of people judge me for being engaged too young and that I shouldn't think aboiut marriage at this age. However, I think the total oppisite. I think I can still get married and continue my education.

anyhoo, going back to my troubles, is this a sign by God saying it won't work? Seytan trickign me? Or is it because of the longing and waiting to finally reunite ? (We will be be together this summer inshallah). And What should I to prevent myself from thinking like this if it is nothing to worry about?
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woah. I think you being able to talk to him and sharing "intimate" feelings before marriage was a sign from God that this is going to be messed up ... wallahu Aalam.

best of luck.
 
Why did you wait so long? You should try and get back what you had imo. Is it that you guys aren't putting the effort in anymore? Love doesn't fade.

Oh and hurry up and get married!
 
Ferown said:
Why did you wait so long? You should try and get back what you had imo. Is it that you guys aren't putting the effort in anymore? Love doesn't fade.

Oh and hurry up and get married!
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My dad is really fustrating us. We want to get married, but he keeps making excuses.
 
songul said:
Do you mean I should have not had any feelings before I marry?
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you should not have channeled out those feelings by talking to him which is considered haraam in Islam. What is done is done. I am not sure why dont you have those feelings anymore. I guess its time to do self-analysis why you liked him in the first place? And if you find out that it was just infatuation, try to see that how can you minimize the effect of infatuations controlling your reason so that it does not happen next time and no more hearts are broken ( I am assuming he would be sad if you break it up).
 
Aslaamu alaaykum sister..
If you are prepared to live with the person and look after him to fulfil your duties according to a wife in Islaam and he is able to provide for you i dont see any problem in you getting marriage young. as the prophet sallahu alayhi wa salam said in a Hadith:
Hadith - Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 4, Narrated 'Abdullah

We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."

Hence its good for you ,to lower your gaze and protect your self against sIn.

However i reccomend you do Istakarah Prayer, and InshaAllaah Allaah will indeed show you what is best for you and Read Quraan.
And read about the reasons of a marriage and watch Lectures on the Marriage Topic and show you your true intentions of Marrying someone

Abdullah ibn Umar reported that God's Messenger (PBUH) said:

“Do not marry only for a person's looks, for their beauty might become a cause of moral decline. Do not marry for the sake of wealth, as this may become a source of sin. Marry rather on the grounds of religious devotion.”

(Quotes on marriage from Tirmidhi)
Our Beloved Holy Prophet Muhammad Sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa Sallam said that marriage fulfils half of a person’s religion. He said that a woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her rank, her beauty or her religion. So he advised to get married to someone who is pious and religious and as a result to prosper in this world as well as in the Hereafter

The only reason i can say if it is Shaytaan who is making your feelings "fade" away from the brother, its either because you have started liking another Man, or maybe because thers something in him you dislike or something else Allah knowss sister.

Do you know yourself, what it is that is making your feelings fade away from the brother?
Insha`Allaah forgive me if i have said anything bad or wrong..:(

Wa`alaaykum Salaam.
 
songul said:
My dad is really fustrating us. We want to get married, but he keeps making excuses.
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InshaAllaah sis dont blame on the father (sorry dont want to sound harsh as the importance in Islaam to Love the fathers no matter how frustrating the are:embarrass still not want to be harm sisimsad sorry), as be patient with everything..And Allah knows best :)
ALso ask Allaah and make Dua :)..Keep your trust in Allaah that he will answer your Duad :D
 
:sl:
you probably dont feel anything for him becuase as you said teh "spark" has died down.
speak to your dad to bring it forward, otherwise just wait. why did you agree to marry him in the first place?

what do you mean by "engaged" like is your nikah done, but oyu haven't moved in together?
 
:wa:

songul said:
Selam.
I am a 19 year old young adult who has been engaged ...... For the past two years that we have been talking our feelings have really grown.
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before marriage , it's not allowed to talk to your male cousin like this . Offer Istekhara , if u have positive feelings , then get married soon . Till then , tell cousin not to call u like this .

And Allah Knows Best.
 
Asalaam Alaikum

I can tell you from experience sister that the long distance relationship is a very rough and tumble obstacle to deal with and one rife with the presence of shaitan. I met my wife via long distance. On the internet, in a random chatroom while not looking for love because I knew that was wrong. It just really came out of nowhere. She was a non-muslim at the time and in the time we had talked and got to know eachother, an interest in Islam grew in her and I helped her with Islamic literature and mailing her A copy of the Quran etc. Long story short, she converted to Islam by her own choosing, we met up and we got married at a mosque just a year ago (I was 21 she was 19) yet we are still apart and have to only resort to talking on the phone. Inshallah we are in the process of her moving close and living together.

Now your story is a bit different being that you are engaged. The "fading feeling" may be from frustration of being apart or other factors such as shaitan or just an honest feeling that it won't work out. Allah only knows who our true soul mate is and how or if we will meet up with him/her. It is true that though you are engaged, you have to be careful when talking privately on the phone and especially in person because shaitan is just waiting for his chance to tempt you with intimacy, sex etc. It's best to avoid this outright. The best suggestion is to speak with your parents about your intentions to marry and speed up this process. The second suggestion would be to call off the engagement and focus on learning more about your deen, studying and developing your maturity level yourself until you are capable and more ready of marriage at 22 or 23 perhaps.

Wa Salam
 
I think people put too much emphasis on this "spark."

My parents have been married for over 25 years, they didnt have a "spark" until well into the marriage, now in their elderly years that "spark" is stronger than ever.
Marriage isnt a fairytale, (not saying you think that) and people dont realize that its not going to be all good and fun all the time. It wont always be good, sometimes it will be bad, you have to take it with patience and make dua.
 
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I think people put too much emphasis on this "spark."

My parents have been married for over 25 years, they didnt have a "spark" until well into the marriage, now in their elderly years that "spark" is stronger than ever.
Marriage isnt a fairytale, (not saying you think that) and people dont realize that its not going to be all good and fun all the time. It wont always be good, sometimes it will be bad, you have to take it with patience and make dua.
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:sl:

Indeed , i have similiar thoughts.My parents have also been married exactly for 25 years and i rarely see a SPARK. but when i compare them to others i believe spark is more hyped and respect,admiration are far important than those :).
 
songul said:
However, he is a cousin of mine, so it isn't any random guy.
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He's your cousin???? I thought you couldnt marry family... im sorry but this is the part that caught my attention... most places you are not allowed to marry a cousin... some places not even a second cousin.
 
Grofica, in our part of the world (the balkans) its not allowed because of culture differences but it is quite common in other parts of the world. Usually, from what I have heard, its from more distant cousins. But I could be wrong, can someone elaborate more on the practice?
 
In islam it is allowed, doesn't matter what your culture says
 
Grofica said:
He's your cousin???? I thought you couldnt marry family... im sorry but this is the part that caught my attention... most places you are not allowed to marry a cousin... some places not even a second cousin.
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Rasoolullah :saws: married his daughter Fatimah to her cousin Ali (may Allah be pleased with them both). If it wasn't allowed would he have done it?

As stated above, in Islam it's allowed regardless of your culture. If a Muslim country makes it disallowed then they are making haraam something Allah has made halaal.
 
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