I don't want to live anymore

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TheLostSoul

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I am pretty sure I got rid of my Islam. I was just thinking about my Allah and then I started getting doubts and then purposefully thought kufr and now I want to die!

I don't want to live no more I killed my Islam because of my sins and now the kufr I have had! I don't know what to do I am super depressed and hurting myself because look at me I have had waswas and now I don't know if I made the the thought or not but I'm pretty sure it was me.

I always thought bad things and hypocritical things against my Islam I always said bad things when asking Allah to guide me towards Islam I think of the opposite. I want to be a Muslim I don't want to lose the one thing that made me happy. I just want to kill myself and I think I should cause now when I say good my heart feels empty and my heart is dead so why should I weep when it was all my fault I should just end it. I feel empty and it's all my fault
 
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Please dont do this brother , Hold on we are here for you
i know that when things get too much for us we panic and we have suicidal thoughts
think of your family i lost my step dad to suicide its breaks hearts we where devastated there are no words for how much pain was left by him doing that
i also have felt like you do right now
take a step back breathe , call a Muslim helpline i dont know where about you are but try and talk things through with someone
dont give up and dont give up on Allah
 
I don't want to lose hope but I feel nothing after thinking such thoughts i just want to cry my eyes out but I hate myself I hate my ignorance my pride I hate it all I hate my existence I don't want to disbelieve in Allah but what if my Islam never come back I mean I still believe but now after what I thought which was denial I feel empty I just want to scream and cry.

I have been suffering from depression and waswas for a almost a year. I feel like a hypocrite and hypocrites don't know they are hypocrites and Allah knows what I am and I don't know my status infront of Allah. What if I am a liar but I don't want to be a liar but it is all because of my past because of my disobedience and now after these thoughts my heart is calm and empty and I hate it. I don't want to go to hell
 
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Assalamu Alaikum

Brother these are waswasaat from shaytan. If you still believe in Allah then you're still Muslim. You haven't committed any acts of kufr. If you've committed a sin, then there's a very simple thing you can do! It's called repentance..Pray for forgiveness and do good deeds for each sin you've done to cancel it out, and inshallah Allah will forgive you, and to keep waswas away from you busy yourself with acts of worship and accompany yourself with good people. There's no reason to hate yourself or feel humiliated to the extent that you want to kill yourself, this is shaytan making you move away from allah. Anyways, you're still a Muslim inshallah, so don't worry about that. Make ghusl and salaah to rid yourself of these feelings. WE turn to allah during times of difficulties not away...
 
Depression is sometimes a serious medical issue especially if you're contemplating suicide, so maybe seek out a professional? One thing that will definitely help your depression is helping others! So find a cause you can be passionate about and ask if you can volunteer. It will remove you out of this dark cloud you are putting yourself in.
 
If its helps scream into a pillow
I dont know what is going for you but what ever it is you can get through this
if we all have bad thoughts and thats just what they are they are thoughts dont let them control you
What ever is going on for you right now dont let it consume you take things slowly write down what is going on for you and think logcally what killing yourself will do to you and to your family
There is no painless death in suicide what ever way you do it it will hurt you and your family

Please hold on
 
It's just I don't want to lose my Islam and my faith feels weak and I feel like a fake and I don't want to be one. I just hate my ignorance I just want to have an open heart for Allah not one that doubts Allah and have bad thoughts repeatedly when someone utters and good about Allah. I have calmed down right now but I still worry. I won't kill myself because that will lead me to hell and I don't want to go to hell. I just want to be a good slave and have strong faith.
 
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TheLostSoul said:
It's just I don't want to lose my Islam and my faith feels weak and I feel like a fake and I don't want to be one. I just hate my ignorance I just want to have an open heart for Allah not one that doubts Allah and have bad thoughts repeatedly when someone utters and good about Allah.
Click to expand...

You can fix all of the problems your feeling. If you're ignorant, then learn more about Islam. If your faith feels weak then do different kinds of ibaadah. If you feel hypocritical or arrogant, then stay away from the things that make you prideful, do ibaadah in private, or be around people who are better than you in iman so that you can strive to be like them. We all have doubts at one point or another, iman fluctuates. NO ONE's iman stays constant all the time..we have our ups and downs.
 
I do, do Ibadaah in private ever since this started a year ago. It's just when I thought of these thought I thought I have accepted these evil things because the thoughts and I don't even know what are my thoughts anymore that's how bad it is. I know Allah forgives all sins but I don't want to be a liar. Allah knows what's in my heart and I don't. I just want to be true to Allah
 
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TheLostSoul said:
I do, do Ibadaah in private ever since this started a year ago. It's just when I thought of these thought I thought I have accepted these evil things because the thoughts and I don't even know what are my thoughts anymore that's how bad it is. I know Allah forgives all sins but I don't want to be a liar. Allah knows what's in my heart and I don't. I just want to be true to Allah
Click to expand...

May Allah ease your affairs bro...try doing different kinds of ibaadah, volunteer, be around good people. May allah ease your affairs ameen. Don't ever make suicide an option for yourself..Allah is giving you a reason to live and a chance everyday. No matter what waswas you get, you are still given a chance to repent and rectify your wrongs.
 
TheLostSoul said:
I am pretty sure I got rid of my Islam. I was just thinking about my Allah and then I started getting doubts and then purposefully thought kufr and now I want to die!

I don't want to live no more I killed my Islam because of my sins and now the kufr I have had! I don't know what to do I am super depressed and hurting myself because look at me I have had waswas and now I don't know if I made the the thought or not but I'm pretty sure it was me.

I always thought bad things and hypocritical things against my Islam I always said bad things when asking Allah to guide me towards Islam I think of the opposite. I want to be a Muslim I don't want to lose the one thing that made me happy. I just want to kill myself and I think I should cause now when I say good my heart feels empty and my heart is dead so why should I weep when it was all my fault I should just end it. I feel empty and it's all my fault
Click to expand...

The fact that you feel sad you say or think these things shows you still have emaan in your heart and belief.

What are the things that you think against islam, maybe we can clear up any misunderstandings you have with these certain issues.

You believe in Allah, so that is the best 1st step you have taken, admitting your faults and telling yourself you dont want to not be muslim.. IS A GOOD THING.

You thinking your heart is dead is the work of shaytan, your heart is dead when you turn away from islam and become a non-muslim believing yourswlf to be better off without Allah and his deen... which is the complete opposite of what you have said

"Auhdu billahi minash shaytanir rajeem"
(I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed shaytan)
Keep repeating in it and believe in what you are saying, believe that you are seeking refuge and help with Allah, believe those thoughts of kufr are from shaytan and not yourself believe that shaytan is a clear enemy to us and it is from shaytan that you feel this way
 
I posted this in another thread before:

Depression is a real thing.
But no matter how down you feel, you have to remember that Allah chose to bless you with Imaan.
Sometimes we have down days, sometimes we sin, sometimes our Imaan is weak and it feels hard to do good deeds, and sometimes we simply have depression for many other reasons.

But despite all that you have to realize, when you doubt your own worth, Allah chose you to be created, and not only that chose to bless you with Imaan. So no matter how down you are, because that's a test of life, turn to Allah and InshaaAllah, maybe at a time you won't even notice, things will turn around.
The purpose of this life is to turn to Him. So keep at it, because He is the best One to turn to. And no matter how hard things get, do your best to stay patient.

Allah chose you to be Insaan, because He knows, even when you don't, that you have the potential to be a Muslim.
That you are doing small deeds with big impacts. That when you fall you turn back to Him.
That you are good enough to be raised amongst the greatest of all creation on Judgement Day.
And His Mercy outweighs His Wrath. So keep turning to Him.

No matter how painful it might be please don't cut yourself.
Allah has given you a beautifully functioning body to take care of in this life time, please don't harm it.
I understand cutting might feel like some brief relief from depression.
If you need to don't be afraid to ask for help or take antidepressants if necessary.

And I highly suggest you pick up praying Tahajjud, as well as all the other daily salaat.
When you need to cry, cry to Allah. When you feel alone, talk to Allah. Read Quran, pray nafil salaat, InshaaAllah Allah will take care of His beloved slaves. And the more you turn to Him the more beloved you will be.
 
Remember even when you feel alone the Angels pray for you.

And about sadness

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=APj0fOzNxFU

m.youtube.com/watch?v=e342DlpoLT4


These two videos just came to mind. There are more but I can't search right now sorry.
InshaaAllah everything will be alright.
 
My post from the same thread:

And even if you can't see an end out of this bruh, I guarantee you that somehow someday and all
of a sudden things will pass. Prophets have gone through extreme hardship and they didn't know how things would end, but they kept their belief in Allah and kept dedicated to their mission.
Ibrahim AS didn't know what his outcome would be with the fire.
Yusuf AS didn't know what his outcome would be in the ditch, in slavery, or in jail.
Yunus AS didn't know what his outcome would be from being swallowed by the fish.
Ayyub AS didn't know what his outcome would be with his illness.
Yaqub AS didn't know that his sight would return and his sons would be returned to him.
Ismail AS didn't know Allah would swap his place with the ram.
Musa AS didn't know what would happen when he returned to Egypt.
Musa AS's mother didn't know what would happen when she desperately threw her son in the river.
Maryam AS didn't know what would happen when she appeared with her son Isa AS.
Adam AS didn't know what would happen when he was put on this earth but he made Tawbah to Allah anyway.
Nuh AS suffered for over 900 years with an ummah who ridiculed him.
And Prophet Muhammad SAW suffered more hardship than any other man in history and is Allah's most beloved.

Please just keep turning to Allah
InshaaAllah through all of this trial and tribulation your bond with Him and reliance on your Lord will be stronger than ever.
And for every small hardship Allah rewards is immensely in the hereafter.
Your hardship doesn't mean that you aren't loved.
It is an opportunity for you to learn that Allah loves you most.
InshaaAllah you will realize that first hand in Jannah.

And whatever hardship this life has,
Hell is harder.
And whatever pleasure this life has, it is nothing compared to Jannah.
This life is short.
And the tests in this life are even shorter.
So don't give up on your life no matter how bad it seems at any point.

You will heal in time InshaaAllah.
 
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You are worried about your Imaan, so
that shows that you care about your Islam and that Allah loves you enough to pull you back even when you might be straying.
Don't doubt yourself and don't doubt Allah's faith in you.

You mentioned extreme waswas, so there is very good possibility that this may come from Jinn messing with you. Look into Rukya InshaaAllah
 
muslimah_B said:
The fact that you feel sad you say or think these things shows you still have emaan in your heart and belief.

What are the things that you think against islam, maybe we can clear up any misunderstandings you have with these certain issues.

You believe in Allah, so that is the best 1st step you have taken, admitting your faults and telling yourself you dont want to not be muslim.. IS A GOOD THING.

You thinking your heart is dead is the work of shaytan, your heart is dead when you turn away from islam and become a non-muslim believing yourswlf to be better off without Allah and his deen... which is the complete opposite of what you have said

"Auhdu billahi minash shaytanir rajeem"
(I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed shaytan)
Keep repeating in it and believe in what you are saying, believe that you are seeking refuge and help with Allah, believe those thoughts of kufr are from shaytan and not yourself believe that shaytan is a clear enemy to us and it is from shaytan that you feel this way
Click to expand...

This is excellent advice Mashaallah
 
Welcome to the forum.

You must be fairly young from the way you write. First, a saying I heard when I was mid teens and the significance gets greater as we grow older.

"Today is the tomorrow we were worried about yesterday, but all is fine".

Basically, as long as our hearts are beating and we can still think and move, there is always possibility to 'seek' the right path. To make amends. You end it, that's all you get.

Next, that life IS a test! The fact that you realise this is already good. Now you can really earn those bonus points due to your real struggles compared to those who breeze through it. Imagine now those who go through your experience AND think they are doing nothing wrong. Allah has sealed their hearts. Yours is not.

Finally, Allah is most Forgiving and Merciful. He is the Best Guide. Seek His Guidance (Islamic way). Seek His Forgiveness. Repent. Not just end it. He Is giving you chances. Don't waste them or throw away.:hmm:

You have still a life ahead. Use it!

In the meantime, I wish you a great stay.


:peace:
 
Thanks for the advice. I have another problem though with doubts. Whenever someone says anything with subhanalah or alhamdulia or stagfrulah or other things about Allah my heart wavers and to me it feels like I am doubting and I hate it. Like what am I doubting like what is there to doubts?! Yet my heart doubts whenever people say that and when I say it nothing. This is one of my main problems
 

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