I hate myself for commiting a lot of sins...

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someone_hurted

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Salam,
I really am losing hope in myself. I mean i don't have anyone to tell about my problems. Not that i got that courage actually to tell anyone about the sins i have commited. i knew masturbating is haraam but still you know once you are involved it is hard to decline that urge. i accidentally learnt about it when i was a kid. i would like to say that i was innocent back then. When i grew up only i came to know that it is forbidden. When i tried a lot of things to get over it and finally they were all in vain , i began questioning myself, " it is my fault that i unpurposely learnt about masturbation when i was a kid". I began to question God ," why He put me in such situation that haunting me all days until now?". When the remorse feeling engulfed me , i began to isolate myself from everbody including my parents. I felt disgusted towards myself. i decided i will never get married since i think that i am a dirty,broken woman. No man deserves me. I knew i will only deserve those man who is broken just the same as me. I will never get that chance to be guided by a pious husband. Then until now, i am losing hope in myself. It is to the extent that i want to kill myself but i knew better than anyone else that if i did that, i will never get the chance to enter the heaven. Please someone out there help me. Give strength to me. I got no one to stay by my side that really understand me.
 
Waleikum Asalaam,

First of all, you need to let go of this mentality that everything related to sex is dirty and bad. We have basic human functions and have been given plenty of guidance and solutions on how to deal with them. You are not the only one who has had these kind of self discoveries and many young girls and boys learn these kind of things by accident.

Masturbation is no reason to become suicidal. The problem here is your loss of hope in Allah and the lack of compassion you have towards yourself. Have you ever heard of the saying "hate the sin, not the sinner"? This applies to your own self as well. When you ask for forgiveness from Allah, you also ask forgiveness from the one you harmed, oppressed or sinned against. In this case it would be YOU. Have you thought of forgiving yourself?

Please don't tie this situation with marriage. First of all, you don't have to disclose the fact that you have masturbated to your spouse. Masturbation doesn't take away your virginity and it certainly does NOT make you dirty. Some women have a much higher sex drive than others and THAT IS PERFECTLY OKAY. You'll just have to find a spouse that can keep up with you.

Do you watch pornography? Where exactly is this immense guilt coming from? Is this cultural? It is very difficult to advise if you don't give details. I'll wait for your response to continue as I'm unsure where you are coming from.
 
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Welcome to the forum.

As the above post said... but you know? you would not believe it, but everyone is tested in their own little ways, big ways, huge ways but at the end of the day, Allah is Most Fair. Someone may suffer first, I may suffer later, but one thing is for sure, we will all taste it. Some will say they have masturbation problems, some zina, some alcohol, some of homosexuality, some liars and some other stealing, back biting and so on. They cannot help themselves.

So, everyone has their problems. But not everyone shares their problems, however big. It does not mean they have no problems, but perhaps they realise that it a test from Allah. And Allah says (somewhere I cannot recall off hand) that your should (technically) rejoice in the Hand dealt to you by Allah! Be patient and grateful when austerity hits and be thankful and charitable when bountiful.

Be neither angry nor despondent.

I have many issues for myself, some I have shared but most I have kept as it is for me to deal with. My gremlins, so to speak, my lot (perhaps?), still with major decisions ahead, despite already on the half century mark.... and as much as I know life will keep throwing curve balls I still pine and wish for those simpler moments and in moments of weakness I allow myself to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.. but I have not entered still. Do I give up? If I do, I will forever be entombed. So I have this motto, that as long as my heart shall beat, I will take that step forward. With truth. Allah has said that He is very endeared (my own words because I cannot remember the actual words used) by those who really struggle in His Path. Above those who find it easy. So you struggle. Allah is more appreciative, no?

In syaa Allah..

Wishing you a great stay.


:peace:
 
Surat Az-Zumar [verse 53] - Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
 
Salam

Thank you for your reply sister. No i didn't watch pornography at first. It all started only after i accidentally learned on how to masturbate. But alhamdulillah i stopped myself from watching any of dramas, movies or tv series that are undecent. My problem right now is that the urgency to masturbate comes randomly. I mean suddenly my heartbeat rate increase and i feel rush of adrenaline. Help me ...its killing me...i want to change
 
Salam,

Can i ask something? Is there a difference whether i forgive myself or not? Isn't it God forgiveness is the most important?
I can't bring myself to love myself when i already done a lot of sins. Not when i am shameful enough that i commit back those sins in the future. Is there a remedy so that i can't lose apart of my memory. I always hope that i don't even know how to masturbate.Life is hard for me when i am always feeling remorseful.
 
someone_hurted said:
Salam

Thank you for your reply sister. No i didn't watch pornography at first. It all started only after i accidentally learned on how to masturbate. But alhamdulillah i stopped myself from watching any of dramas, movies or tv series that are undecent. My problem right now is that the urgency to masturbate comes randomly. I mean suddenly my heartbeat rate increase and i feel rush of adrenaline. Help me ...its killing me...i want to change
Click to expand...

Alhamdullialh, it is great that there is no pronography addiction added to this, it makes things much easier. Do you take note of when these urges come? I'd like you to start writing down your cycle days and journal how you feel every day of your cycle. Cycle day 1 is the first day of your period. It is important to note patterns so that you may be able to help yourself better.

Women have many rises and falls of different hormones throughout their cycle and arousal is the highest right around ovulation and right before her period arrives. This doesn't mean there is no arousal the rest of her cycle, but these are peak times. So please keep this in mind before you judge yourself harshly.

Do you have excess facial hair and/or body hair?

Are you overweight or underweight?

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Is there a chance you can begin looking for a spouse?

What does your typical day look like from sunrise to sunset?

Do you have any extracurricular activities or hobbies?

someone_hurted said:
Salam,

Can i ask something? Is there a difference whether i forgive myself or not? Isn't it God forgiveness is the most important?
I can't bring myself to love myself when i already done a lot of sins. Not when i am shameful enough that i commit back those sins in the future. Is there a remedy so that i can't lose apart of my memory. I always hope that i don't even know how to masturbate.Life is hard for me when i am always feeling remorseful.
Click to expand...

Yes, there is a big difference. If you can't forgive yourself or stop looking at yourself in disgust then it is difficult for you to let go of the guilt that is causing you so much distress. Allah created us to sin, if we all stopped sinning he would replace us with other who sin because it is the sin that brings you closer to him.

For example in your case, your guilt triggers you to ask for forgiveness and mercy, which brings you closer to him. However, if you cannot forgive yourself as well, shaytaan takes advantage and can easily use your weakness against you, in this case, he whispers to you that you are dirty, useless, worthless and unworthy of love. Can you see that? If Allah doesn't believe that of you, then why should you think that of yourself? I hope this makes sense. :)
 
Umm♥Layth said:
Alhamdullialh, it is great that there is no pronography addiction added to this, it makes things much easier. Do you take note of when these urges come? I'd like you to start writing down your cycle days and journal how you feel every day of your cycle. Cycle day 1 is the first day of your period. It is important to note patterns so that you may be able to help yourself better.

Women have many rises and falls of different hormones throughout their cycle and arousal is the highest right around ovulation and right before her period arrives. This doesn't mean there is no arousal the rest of her cycle, but these are peak times. So please keep this in mind before you judge yourself harshly.

Do you have excess facial hair and/or body hair?

Are you overweight or underweight?

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Is there a chance you can begin looking for a spouse?

What does your typical day look like from sunrise to sunset?

Do you have any extracurricular activities or hobbies?
Click to expand...

Salam,
Thank you for willing to help me sister. But can you private-message me your email bcoz i am a new member so i cant private-message you yet? Its kinda personal things i would like to share with you. I mean regarding my issues. If you dont mind. Thanks a lot.
 
someone_hurted said:
Salam,
Thank you for willing to help me sister. But can you private-message me your email bcoz i am a new member so i cant private-message you yet? Its kinda personal things i would like to share with you. I mean regarding my issues. If you dont mind. Thanks a lot.
Click to expand...
Yes, I'll PM you :)
 

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