I have a muslim girlfriend

[sphynx]

I have been in a haraam relationship with a muslim girl for the past 7 months and I am coming to regret my decisions. We have not fornicated but have done some light petting, kissing, etc. I want to end my relationship with her, but after all this time I am in love with her. marriage is not an option for at least 6 years since she is only 16 and her parents will not allow her to marry until she is done with college. I cannot wait that long but I know I cannot continue this relationship.
I know I need to end it right now, but I fear not only for myself, but the effect it may have on her. I fear she may fall into even more haraam upon me leaving her. What should I do?

 

[KhalidDaPoet]

Salam Alaikum

Well...this situation you are not the only Muslim, or at that. U are not the only religious person who has gone through this. Many others have had the same experience and if they say they didn't, well they are lying so they can make themselves feel better. Jews, Christians, Muslims, we all have the same beliefs about haraam and halaal. Yet, all these religious don't follow as they should. Take it from me, Brother. I became muslim when I was 18 almost 19. Before that I had done coke, speed, weed, dealt drugs, made drugs, dealt guns. Lived around and was in a gang. I had enough women around me that i could sleep with multiple women every night. Even being Muslim it didn't change right away. Becoming a better man is a long process and even sheikhs and scholars have their own issues and problems. No one is perfect remember that.

Sure a Muslim can say they pray 5 times a day, give zakat, fast, etc. But they do bad things but hide what they do. The same person who will tell you to run and stop this relationship is doing the same as you or worse. Maybe they are staring at women, watching porn, doing drugs, missing prayers, don't give zakat, don't eat halaal, etc. Get my point. So continuing my own experience. Becoming Muslim it took me several years to finally get off my addiction of drugs and money. I have friends who got killed, went to prison, etc. I miss them but Allah knows best.

Today I am a better man but I am not perfect. I write poetry to try to calm my mind. To express myself. I have over 3000 almost 4000 fellow Muslims who read my work and go through situations as you do and are going through. If my own experience has shown you anything, it should show you that don't blame yourself. You are not perfect nor is the girl who you are with. If others tell you it is haraam they are right, but also they are forgetting that they themselves sin just as much.

Instead someone giving advice should tell you as I am going to tell you. Explain to the sister you have feelings for her. If you want to do the Islamic thing you can. You could go to the parents. Talk to your parents. Ask them for their permission and blessing to get Engaged first and you can wait for several years before getting married. That is part of Sunnah even though most people don't think it is. The prophet Muhammad (pbuh) waited as short as 6 months before getting married to almost 9 to 10 years as scholars predict with him marrying Aisha. So it is your choice and Allah has given you ways to gently move from a situation of haraam to a situation of halaal.

I say this because most people jump quickly and ruin both peoples mind and time spent along with emotions. Instead of ending it quickly, pray to Allah and try to keep your feelings you have for each other but do it following sunnah. Ask for forgiveness and instead of breaking each others hearts Allah insha'Allah will give you a way to stay together in a halaal manner. If that doesn't work out you should sit down with the sister in a public place and you two explain and talk it out. Explain that it is not right what you two are doing. But first go the route of smooth transition. The public place is the last thing you want to do because like you said the sister might go into worse haraam.

These are my thoughts, I hope they help you along your journey brother.

Peace

 

[sphynx]

Thank you for the advice brother. I explained to her that im trying to make a change for the better in my life and that my feelings toward her have not changed, as inappropriate as they are. She actually agreed with me, saying how she has felt hypocritical this entire time, being a muslim with a boyfriend. I would ask her parents to get engaged, but due to her cultural background (shes pakistani, im arab), her parents would not approve of a lengthy engagement. At this point im stuck with the dilemma of not knowing whether or not she will commit and abstain until she is of the age her parents will approve of. 6 years is a long time to wait with only the verbal promise of a young girl.

 

[Karl]

Maybe it's because they don't want her to marry an Arab.

 

[sphynx]

Maybe it's because they don't want her to marry an Arab.

I havent asked her parents for her hand in marriage. She told me that her parents would not approve until she is done with college.

 

[BORN2MOVE]

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu!!! Masha'Allah akhi it's a good starting point by first seeking advice. Keep hold of that guilty conscience and Insha'Allah do a sincere Tawbah.
Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their prayers, etc.)
(Qur'an Surah Al-Baqarah 2 Ayah 222)
Say: "O 'Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
(Qur'an Surah 39 Az-Zumar Ayah 53)
You also have to do a lot of righteous deeds, such as prayer, reading Qur’an and fasting, so as to strengthen your faith and piety. Good deeds erase bad deeds and sincere repentance erases that which came before it, and turns bad deeds into good deeds.
Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds, for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
(Qur'an Surah 25 Al-Furqan Ayah 70)
Cut off any interaction making situation worst because it's dangerous.
And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fahishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him).
(Qur'an Surah 17 Al-Isra Ayah 32)
Be careful warning one thing leads to another what you've already done is bad. It may lead to even more disaster if you still communicating with her. Don't let the shaitan fool you.
Abu Hurairah (ra) reported the Messenger of Allah (saw) said, "Allah fixed the very portion of zina which a man will indulge in. There would be no escape from it. The zina of the eye is the lustful look and the zina of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk) and the zina of the tongue is licentious speech and the zina of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace) and the zina of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit zina and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect.
(Sahih Muslim 2658 Book 46, Hadith 33)
Don't worry about her focus onto strengthen your Emaan and changing your whole lifestyle better.
Then when they are about to fulfil their term appointed, either take them back in a good manner or part with them in a good manner. And take for witness two just persons from among you (Muslims). And establish the witness for Allah. That will be an admonition given to him who believes in Allah and the Last Day. And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).
(Qur'an Surah 65 At-Talaq Ayah 2)
Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) said "If love develops for a reason that is not haram, a person cannot be blamed for that, such as one who loves his wife or his slave woman, then he leaves her but that love remains and does not leave him. He is not to be blamed for that. The same applies if he glances accidentally then looks away, but love may settle in his heart without him wanting it to. But he has to ward it off and look away."
This does not mean that it is haram for a man or woman to like a specific person whom he or she chooses to be a spouse, and feel love for that person and want to marry them if possible. Love has to do with the heart, and it may appear in a person’s heart for reasons known or unknown. But if it is because of mixing or looking or haram conversations, then it is also haram. If it is because of previous acquaintance, being related or because of hearing about that person, and one cannot ward it off, then there is nothing wrong with that love, so long as one adheres to the sacred limits set by Allah.
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (rahimahullah) said "A person may hear that a woman is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable, so he may want to marry her. Or a woman may hear that a man is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable and religiously committed, so she may want to marry him. But contact between the two who admire one another in ways that are not Islamically acceptable is the problem, which leads to disastrous consequences. In this case it is not permissible for the man to get in touch with the woman or for the woman to get in touch with the man, and say that he wants to marry her. Rather he should tell her wali (guardian) that he wants to marry her, or she should tell her wali that she wants to marry him, as Umar (ra) did when he offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr and ‘Uthmaan (ra). But if the woman contacts the man directly, this is what leads to fitna (temptation)."

 

[Karl]

I havent asked her parents for her hand in marriage. She told me that her parents would not approve until she is done with college.

Well then you have got a chance. You will have to talk to her father and state your case. She is 16 and not getting any younger, by the time she finishes college she will be not such a catch. Even 16 is past it by Pakistani standards. Marriage is more important than education for a female in Islam. She can still acquire knowledge when she is married.

 

[sphynx]

Thank you all for the great advice, I talked with her again and we agreed that we will keep our relationship halaal from now on, and that she is willing to wait until the time is right. I havent told her because I know she would protest, but in a year when im more financially stable, I plan on approaching her father to ask for his permission for us to get engaged.