Selam Aleykum brothers and sisters in Islam....
Im new to this forum and would like your dua's/ prayers please in regards to my marriage.
My wife has lately been very edgey and i can never seem to do anything right.
We generally have a good happy marriage but lately it has been a bit sad. She sometimes threatens me saying that it will be over and she will leave me and when i try to talk to her she will shut me out and wont want to talk last night she slept in the spare room and whenever i tried to talk to her she would get madder....now i know that i havent done anything wrong. Like everyone we all make mistakes and sometimes i say the wrong thing or it doesnt come out like it should. But once that happens she just cracks it and shuts me out and pretty much hates me. Wateva i try to do only makes things worse.
I know that this is just a hicup along the way but its still not a good feeling when you hear things like this. I ask for your prayers and dua's please in this situation and that my marriage will improve and things will get better between me and my wife. Please brothers and sisters i ask you for your help as well with this. May Allah please accept all our prayers and grant us a place in Paradise next to each other and protect us from harm and evil that affects our daily lives. Amin
Thank you all Selam Aleykum
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb my brother jazakallah for opening up to us about your issue. May Allah make things easy for you. I am not married yet so please make dua that i find the right pious wife but i have developed my own theory in regards to a happy marriage and they are the three C's to a happy marriage:
Communication
Cooperation
Comprimise
In your situation it is crucial that you and her communicate effectivly. So you need to always get her to open up about how she's feeling. Do this in a gentle manner and once you get her to open up then the problem may be resolved.
Here is a good article about how to make a wife happy:
How to Make your Wife Happy
1. Beautiful Reception. After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
begin with a good greeting
start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du'aa for her as well
Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones
Give her your attention when you speak or she speaks
Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands
Call her nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc
3. Friendliness and Recreation
Spend time talking together
Spread to her good news
Remember your good memories together
4. Games and Distractions
Joking around & having a sense of humor
Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever
Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment
Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment
5. Assistance in the Household
Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired
The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work
6. Consultation (Shurah) Specifically in family matters
Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you
Studying her opinion carefully
Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better
Thanking her for helping you with her opinions
7. Visiting Others
Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in
visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits
Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with
8. Conduct During Travel
Offer a warm farewell and good advice
Ask her to pray for him
Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence
Give her enough money for what she might need
Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc.
Return as soon as possible
Bring her a gift!
Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night
Take her with you if possible
9. Financial Support
The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small
piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
Always being clean and neat
Put on perfume for her
11. Guarding Privacy
Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.
12. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray
"Qiam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua)
Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer
Teach her
"Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening
Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale
Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so
13. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents
Invite them to visit her and welcome them
Give them presents on special occasions
Help them when needed with money, effort, etc.
Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first. Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.
14. (Islamic) Training & Admonition. This includes:
The basics of Islam
Her duties and rights
Reading and writing
Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
15. Admirable Jealousy
Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house
Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men
Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
4- etc.
16. Patience and Mildness
Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc.
Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 17)
How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- The last solution is lightly hitting her (when allowable). In this case, the hsuband should consider the following:
He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant.
He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without any cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc.
It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an
He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body
He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe or slapping her in the face, etc Lightly hitting her should ONLY be absolutly the last solution and even then it HAS to be light.
17. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
Accounting her only for larger mistakes
Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc.
Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake
Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing
Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment
Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations
Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings
When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others
Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.
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