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Thread: I'm not going to change diapers he said!!
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:sl:

Theres this guy i'm planning to marry InshaAllah (OR NOT) after what happened. I always had high standards of what i want ina potential hubby. He had them all, everything got the whole package goin on mashaAllah. Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job''

The arrogance of it all makes me filled me with rage. Right at that I told him straight up ''i'm not going to marry you, u obviously wont make a good father''

He bagan apologizing, ''im not a father what u expect, am I suppose to bond with an imaginary baby that doesnt even exist'' when I have my own baby ofcourse i will change its diapers '' But ''you will be changing them ''most'' of the time, (he adds)''. I never said I wouldnt change them most of the time, why is he so worried already?

When we were talking about children he told me that he wants 8 children:muddlehea. I do love children but 8 c'mon. I want just 2/...max 4, but then he says ''they will need two other friends and so on:exhausted WTH.

My father is a man I truly respect he use to help my mom lots when she had us and still does. I truly have feelings for this guy, but I cant afford to make a big mistake with my life. Though he reasures me that hes no chauvinistic that the baby diaper thing was not intentional, itss till buggin me.
 
sounds like you are blowing things way out of proportion and possibly have a combative personality.
 
:salamext:

Sister, you will never find the perfect husband. If this brother has all the characteristics that you like, I seriously suggest you let this one little thing slide. Or it may come back to haunt you later on in your life, in the form of regret. Marriage is about compromise and patience. I hope you make the right decision, but please remember to pray istikhaarah.

P.s., I don't think a dislike of changing diapers equates with bad parenting. Each parent has their role, and it's only natural that most men would be put off at the thought of changing dirty diapers, especially before they've ever had kids.
 
Sis, there is no such thing as the perfect man. You can never find everything you want in one person. That's not being realistic. There are men who willingly change diapers and get up for night feeds but lack elsewhere. Does what he can offer overall outweight his hesitancy to change nappies? If so, that's not a bad deal you got there. There might be things he would want his future wife to do that you may not like doing? So it does work both ways. Don't be too hard on him lol. He must really like you as he did try to justify what he'd said. But really, no one is perfect and no matter who we are with, somewhere along the line we have to make compromises.
 
Just because of that reason sister, I think you need to look at yourself and not him.
Im not married sister, but im sure you will experience way way bigger problems in married life than dipers.

I dont think people actually plan how many kids their going to have,
 
I'm guessing finding a partner is very hard like, especially with high expectations. We all want the perfect partner who we can grow old with blah blah blah but picking at the smallest things can make you lose out. Think of what you are like (good and bad) and think of what he is like, if both your personalities work well together then yipeee, if not.. then find someone else inshallah. It is highly unlikely that anyone will find a guy who agrees with everything you say, and baby-wise (like the guy said) how can you ask someone if they will change diapers when they have never had a kid? a baby can change everything in a person.. and even if they say i will never change the baby-- alot of guys do because they luv their kid.

A lot of people say one thing and end up doing another, u will just end up disapointed in the end if the person you marry makes all these promises to do things but ends up breaking them. I hope you dont misunderstand what i mean. Hmmm anyways, inshallah you will find a huband who gives you happiness..
 
AnonymousGender said:
:sl:

Theres this guy i'm planning to marry InshaAllah (OR NOT) after what happened. I always had high standards of what i want ina potential hubby. He had them all, everything got the whole package goin on mashaAllah. Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job''

The arrogance of it all makes me filled me with rage. Right at that I told him straight up ''i'm not going to marry you, u obviously wont make a good father''

He bagan apologizing, ''im not a father what u expect, am I suppose to bond with an imaginary baby that doesnt even exist'' when I have my own baby ofcourse i will change its diapers '' But ''you will be changing them ''most'' of the time, (he adds)''. I never said I wouldnt change them most of the time, why is he so worried already?

When we were talking about children he told me that he wants 8 children:muddlehea. I do love children but 8 c'mon. I want just 2/...max 4, but then he says ''they will need two other friends and so on:exhausted WTH.

My father is a man I truly respect he use to help my mom lots when she had us and still does. I truly have feelings for this guy, but I cant afford to make a big mistake with my life. Though he reasures me that hes no chauvinistic that the baby diaper thing was not intentional, itss till buggin me.
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Are you serious? Something as minor as this actually bothers you this much?
I'd like to know how you behave when something really serious happens.

And I thought I had problems. :rollseyes
 
Will you women ever stop making demands?
Come on, give the guy a break. How about the amount of love
that he will give you? That you will probably NEVER be able to return
because when a man loves a woman the amount of care he has for her
is almost impossible for a woman to return the same favour.
 
Faizah said:
:salamext:

Sister, you will never find the perfect husband. If this brother has all the characteristics that you like, I seriously suggest you let this one little thing slide. Or it may come back to haunt you later on in your life, in the form of regret. Marriage is about compromise and patience. I hope you make the right decision, but please remember to pray istikhaarah.

P.s., I don't think a dislike of changing diapers equates with bad parenting. Each parent has their role, and it's only natural that most men would be put off at the thought of changing dirty diapers, especially before they've ever had kids.
Click to expand...

^^Perfectly said! Men usually change after marriage.
 
mathematician said:
Will you women ever stop making demands?
Come on, give the guy a break. How about the amount of love
that he will give you? That you will probably NEVER be able to return
because when a man loves a woman the amount of care he has for her
is almost impossible for a woman to return the same favour.
Click to expand...

says who?

Something else happened:

He said: ''I work, you work, we both get rewarded for our work roles as spouses''. Poor choice of words? I dont like to think of the house'keeping as work, is that somehting nice to say to a girl u are about to marry''?

I know that I will take care of the home, but why bring the word work to my attention. I got angry and told him that I'm shafi'i and according to my madhab I dont actually have to clean or cook for him but its good if I do it (not obliged). I know thats a not-so-nice thing to say but am I just sub-consciously torturing him?

I know that I will treat him very special when we are married, theres no need to give up on my tough exterior now is there. ^o^
 
Tell him to check out his responsibilities according to Islam!

And:if you work:the income is all for you,he is paying the expenses for home and kids.All of them!
 
In our family, everybody changed diapers. Father, Mother, Aunt, Uncle, Older sibling, Grandmother (We are 7 sibs, and it seemed like there was always a baby around). Actually, I think I never saw my Grandfather change one.

But it is pretty gross, and if they've never done it, the concept of it seriously grosses people out. Even if you've done it, its still gross. When I was a kid I declared that I was never going to marry because then I would be adding to the dirty diaper-making population of this world. I still get teased about it.

So if your husband has never actually changed a diaper, I bet he is pretty ick-ed about it. But, he'll learn to cope with them inshallah. And even if he never changes a diaper, if he's a good husband, he'll probably be worth it. It seems like you are nitpicking about his faults. Do you have any serious reasons for disliking him? Because if you don't, then the possibility that he might, in the future, when he has kids, turn into a horrible father, just because of one chance remark he made, seems pretty remote.
 
AnonymousGender said:
says who?

Something else happened:

He said: ''I work, you work, we both get rewarded for our work roles as spouses''. Poor choice of words? I dont like to think of the house'keeping as work, is that somehting nice to say to a girl u are about to marry''?

I know that I will take care of the home, but why bring the word work to my attention. I got angry and told him that I'm shafi'i and according to my madhab I dont actually have to clean or cook for him but its good if I do it (not obliged). I know thats a not-so-nice thing to say but am I just sub-consciously torturing him?

I know that I will treat him very special when we are married, theres no need to give up on my tough exterior now is there. ^o^
Click to expand...

First, Mathmetician bro, is wrong about men giving thir wives more love. A woman's love is like sea and a man's is like a puddle. Jk, like a river I guess.


Secondly, why do you not like housework being called work. It is work sis. It means he realises that being a housewife isnt all about watching daytime TV.
I think that's a good thing.

I don't think your anger was valid. Over such a small thing? And telling him to cook and clean for him is a favour on your part? You agree it isn't a nice thing to say but you said it and yet when he said what he did, it made you angry? Come on sis, marriage will be hell if there are constant disagreements over small things.

You say you will treat him better after marriage, but what if he decides he can't put up with a wife who flies off the handle at every breath? You have feelings for this man sis, please stop jeopardising the opportunity to marry him. :muddlehea
 
Selam aleykum,

You said he had the full package and I do believe you realize people ain't perfect - are you therefor possibly, just subconsciously, searching for faults and reasons why NOT to marry?
You might be scared to get married, it's obviously a big issue and we don't like to think it'll end to divorce or the likes. We don't want to make mistakes.

I don't think it's WRONG of you to react, although might possibly be a bit too harsh. But can one be safe enough? Islamically, how close are we allowed to get to know a person before marriage? It's better to have the marriage done without fitna, but the more time you spend, trying to get to know, the closer fitna is. But then again, thera are people who spend the time together without caring about fitna, for years, and still in the end realize making the big mistake. It really differs and it's about HOW you spend the time together, that's why instead of fishing meanings behind his words, confront him with questions and he will answer. Explain your view and see how it matches yours and were you might clash and how to deal with it.

InshaAllah all goes well!!
 
HAHAHA! oh my goodness.

Sister, i mean no disrespect, but WAKE UP and smell the roses, there is NO perfect man. Lower your standards a bit. I WISH, WISHHHHH i could find a man like my father, but you know what?NO two people are alike.

SO PLEASE dont screw up your chances with a great man who has the most of the package, just because he wont help you change diapers. SUCK IT UP. My goodness. What do you think marriage is gonna be? All daisies and roses?

If i met the right guy for me and the only problem i could find with him as that he thought i should do the housework and change all the diapers, id TAKE IT IN A HEARTBEAT.

You think its gonna be "the worst mistake of your life" to marry a man who wont change diapers?
My dad never changed a diaper in his entire life, but he provided us with multiple roofs over our heads, yes multiple, we have 3 homes alhamudullah. We have food, we have clothes, we are getting education, all because my father worked hard and Allah swt rewarded him.


Grow up, stop behaving like a spoiled little child, and take him the way he is. You like him up until that moment, and that moment was just that, a little itsy bitsy thing you blew up out of proportion.




Heres what i would do in your situation:
First, i wouldnt react the way you did. Thats disrespect right there what you said to him. IMO, it gives me an impression that your not ready for marriage if at the first sign of something you may not like, you jump and spit things out like that. Control your tongue sis! it could land you in hell!
So as i was saying...first id take a deep breath.

Second, id explain to him that maybe we could compromise and he could help me out with the kids. Not necessarily diapers, but maybe help out during bath time, or dinner etc.

Third, id do this all RESPECTFULLY. If you dont respect your husband to be, HE may change his mind about YOU and find someone else.
 
Wow, i just read some of the other posts.

How old are you? You dont sound ready for marriage. You sound like you need to read up on the responsibilities of a muslim woman, wife, daughter.
Control your anger and your tongue sis, i say this because i care. I am not trying to insult you or push you around, but my jaw dropped when i read the way you react to your hubby to be and the fact that you say things to "torture" him.
What on earth! My goodness!
 
bloody hell not even married and already discussing children?! sounds like you've been spending too much time with each other, was a mahram present?:rollseyes
 
mathematician said:
Will you women ever stop making demands?
Come on, give the guy a break. How about the amount of love
that he will give you? That you will probably NEVER be able to return
because when a man loves a woman the amount of care he has for her
is almost impossible for a woman to return the same favour.
Click to expand...

lol mathematician where did you come up with that? How do you compare someone's level of affection and/or its reciprocity?
 
i have been married for 5 years and have 2 boys and never have changed a diaper.

But I do provide food, shelter, clothes, water, electricity for them and my wife