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Thread: Im struggling with my Husband
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buddy1

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My husband is a reserve in the armed forces, he has been told that he will be deployed at somepoint, he doesnt know where or when yet.

He said that when he is deployed, he may want a break, from our marraige.

when I asked him to define a good reason as to why I should accept that, he said that when he isnt with me, he misses me, and he seems to think that if we are no longer an item, he will not have to worry about me. he wants to concentrate on what he is doing out there and not what is happening back home!

I dont know what to do, what to say, I feel like Im walking on eggshells when Im around him i have to avoid talking about it to him.

I dont kno how to approach the situation as it approaching fast, and I need a way to put it accross that I wont let him just leave us and forget about us.

I love him more than anything in the world, we have or shuld i say had such a wonderful relationship, he is my best friend, when Im with him I dont need anyone else, he makes me feel so safe. Im dreading the time he tells me he is being deployed, but I want him to know Im not going anywhere, we are sitting tight till he gets back. I just dont know how to anymore.

I dont know what to do.
 
Ohh that's really sad to read ..

He said that when he is deployed, he may want a break, from our marraige.
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A break?! what does this mean?! ... there is no such thing, except if he's referring to something like getting a divorce.

when I asked him to define a good reason as to why I should accept that, he said that when he isnt with me, he misses me, and he seems to think that if we are no longer an item, he will not have to worry about me. he wants to concentrate on what he is doing out there and not what is happening back home!
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What he said is so inconvenient. It just makes no sense to me! How would he stop worrying about those he loves once he's not with them?! I don't think that it's possible! I mean if loves you then he won't stop thinking about you no matter where he is! this is not something that he can decide! Love can never be "decided".

I dont know what to do
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You obviously need a thorough talk with him, you said have such a wonderful relationship, which contradicts with all what you've mentioned above.

I hope everything will be sorted out for you, and I wish you good luck
 
Gia said:
Ohh that's really sad to read ..


A break?! what does this mean?! ... there is no such thing, except if he's referring to something like getting a divorce.


What he said is so inconvenient. It just makes no sense to me! How would he stop worrying about those he loves once he's not with them?! I don't think that it's possible! I mean if loves you then he won't stop thinking about you no matter where he is! this is not something that he can decide! Love can never be "decided".


You obviously need a thorough talk with him, you said have such a wonderful relationship, which contradicts with all what you've mentioned above.

I hope everything will be sorted out for you, and I wish you good luck
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thats what strikes me as weird, he would never divorce, he isnt that sort of person, his parent divorced when he was young and he hates that, he calls it the easy way out.

I said that to him, just coz we wouldnt be together, doesnt mean you will stop thinking of us forever, its just not how it happens!

I just dont know how to put this accross, I texted him last night sayin,

What ever happens, we will be ok I promise.


I just hope to god that we are.
 
:sl: Sis no offence but what he said doesnt make sense to me he loves you yet he is willing to divorce you?

You can have long distance relationship is not impossible of course is hard but if you love each other you be patient isha allah and is not as if he is going to stay there forever.

Like the other sis said you need to have a serious talk because when you love someone your not going to let them go no matter what and i can see that is what you are doing he should do the same back.

I pray Allah swt gives you the best possible outcome sis xx
 
This thread can be closed now, he moved out last night so there is nothng I can do about it now. Thanks for your advise guys. xx
 
Sister I just want to add a few words, before this is closed. I wish I had seen this thread earlier. But, that was not to be.

I am sorry to read he felt he had to move out. That is only going to compound his problem, not solve it.


A long time ago I was a young solder with a young wife. I had already been in combat before we married and did not see much chance I would be sent back into combat, so I felt safe in getting married. But, that was not to be. We were only married a few months before it appeared I would soon be returning to Viet-Nam. I too felt the same way that I did not want to have a wife to worry about if I was going into combat. My thoughts may have been very much the same as those your husband is experiencing. However, my young wife told me that I should see marriage as an incentive to stay alive and not as a burden for combat. That the responsibility could make me stay more cautious and have more reason to keep from making rash judgements and taking needless risks. That was sufficient for me to see it from her eyes and I decided a wife would not be a burden after all.
 
thank you woodrow, I have begged and pleaded but he will not hear of it, I am at a loss, I dont know what I am to do because the best part of me was him, Im all choked up and he seems ok. he told me its nothing to do with me, he just needs to focus on what he is going out to do, and he said not to think that he isnt here for me still because that will never change.

the worst part is that I will see him often because we have 3 children, who he would never ignore. I look at my babies and see him everytime. its so upsetting everytime they reach to me for a cuddle and I am seeing his eyes, nose, smile, in all 3 of them.

I dont know what Im to do........
 
I really hope that things turn out okay.. this verse comes to mind;

But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not.
[Qur'an 2:216]


​
Remember that guys are like this, where they may keep a brave face infront of the woman, but they do feel it inside, sometimes they just do this for total focus - so they don't feel as bad if they were to get hurt. The guy might even feel that by allowing the woman to get hurt first (through the breakup), she will be [mentally] prepared and more stronger for what may come in the future.


I hope that everything gets better.
So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.

[Qur'an Inshirah 94:5-6]


​
 
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I am more worried for my babies living in now what is a broken home.

I havent been on my own since I was 15, we got married when I was 18. we were childhood sweethearts, to an extent now we are strangers.
 
Sometimes people come back, when it gets too much for them.. or sometimes a person gets something better in return.


There was a woman in our Islamic history who lost her husband, they were so close to each other and had been a couple for a long time. But her husband died. On his deathbed, her husband said to her;

"I heard the Messenger of God saying. Whenever a calamity afflicts anyone he should say, "Surely from Allah we are and to Him we shall certainly return." And he would pray, 'O Lord, give me in return something good from it which only You Exalted and Mighty, can give."


He died. She was so sad that she was known as ;the woman whose husband had died.' Everyone knew her sorrow. But her husband told her to pray that prayer before he died, and she did.. reluctantly. She thought, who can be better than my husband? Who can God replace me with, who can be better than my husband?


Some while later, the Messenger of God himself proposed to her. So she was married to a Prophet. Her prayer was answered, because she got married to the best man to walk on this earth - with the best manners, the best personality, and the one who God said about him that he is a 'Mercy for the worlds'. Her name was Um Salamah.

http://www.islamicboard.com/companions-prophet/377-umm-salamah.html



Just be patient.. and ask God for help, He will help you i'm sure of it. He knows whats in the hearts, and He is the Most Wise, the Knowing. Remember that He has provided for you and your children all this time, and He will continue providing for you like He has done for so long.
 
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assalamu alaykum

I'm really sorry to hear what's happend to you sis. Hopefully, your husband will see differently once he's back. I hope br. Woodrows post gives you some hope as to understand what your husband is going through. I know it's easier said than done, but be patient my dear sis. InshaAllah, your hubby will return to his family. I will pray for you inshaAllah.
 
He flew out to malaysia on Monday, for his dads wedding, we were going to go out as a family so the family could see th baby as they havent seen her yet. so I dont know what happened to the other tickets.

i have spoken to him almost everyday, in fact, everyday, it doesnt really feel like we have separated, I am still refering to him as my husband because that is what he is, and he is telling me he misses me, but he doesnt want to get back together at the moment.

Im just praying that he will do....... eventually.
 
InshaAllah sis! Make lots of dua. Allah is Most Merciful & Kind and no bad comes from Him. He will be back inshaAllah.
 
just to let you know, He has gone, I dont know where, and he hasnt bothered with me or the kids since my last post.

Im so angry with him I don want him to come back, my children seem to be doing fine without him and so am I! I do have so much pent up anger for what he has done, and also for his family, as they havent bothered with the kids either.
 
buddy1 said:
just to let you know, He has gone, I dont know where, and he hasnt bothered with me or the kids since my last post.

Im so angry with him I don want him to come back, my children seem to be doing fine without him and so am I! I do have so much pent up anger for what he has done, and also for his family, as they havent bothered with the kids either.
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Perhaps that is for the best and now you will have time to redirect your thoughts and move forward with your life.

Life is rough and it is a difficult often sad battle, but always remember, life also contains joy and wonderful findings. Look forward and pray for a brighter future and pray for the strength to let the past bury itself.
 
:sl: Ameen to Brother Woodrow.................. Maybe Allah has removed something from you which is not good for you...............:w::bump1:
Woodrow said:
Perhaps that is for the best and now you will have time to redirect your thoughts and move forward with your life.

Life is rough and it is a difficult often sad battle, but always remember, life also contains joy and wonderful findings. Look forward and pray for a brighter future and pray for the strength to let the past bury itself.
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I have to agree Zahida! Thanks Woodrow, very wise words come from you so often!
 
Sister, your husband must be suffering too. People react differently to stress. Maybe he can't face anyone in his weak state of mind and needs to deal with whatever he is going through alone? I advise you to keep making duaa. InshaAllah he will see the error of his ways and return to his family. Im saying all this because I know soldiers can suffer post-traumatic stress and change as a result of it. Make duaa for him sis.. I have a feeling he will return. InshaAllah. May Allah's mercy and blessing's be with you, your children and your husband too. Ameen.