impossible relationship?

[AnonymousPoster]

Salaam.

I posted before about a troubled relationship with my fiance, and I need to hear more, so I'm going to update.

I decided to postpone the marriage because we have been having problems. I cannot get over the fact that I think that she is too much caught up in dunya. Maybe some would call it vanity. It seems that there is nothing I can do or say to convince her that her obsessions with all of the things like clothes and make up and celebrities are really bad for her.

I want her to be happy, so I told her that she should forget everything that I have said to her and be free and do what she wants. She has begun to go out with more and more friends, and we have begun to talk less and less.

I am so much happier now that I am not worried about her. When I thought we were months away from getting married, I was freaking out thinking that I would marry this girl who is so dunya-oriented. This is not for me to judge, of course, but you just see things in the ways people act.

----anyway, we have decided to wait for at least two years, and here comes the problem. I got engaged to her because I was ready to get married. Now I have to wait two years ONLY to see if she has grown out of these things or if I have changed enough to be able to tolerate them and accept her despite these things.

I have little to no hope for either situation, and frankly, if it doesn't work out, I don't think I'll be too hurt. Nevertheless I trust that Allah swt will give me the strength to stay sane through a two year engagement.

Am I doing the right thing here? or should I have just broken it off?

 

[Mikayeel]

waAlykumAlsalaam

Thread approved

 

[gladTidings]

Wasalam,

Well brother, what is it about her that made you decide you want to marry her? and have you prayed istikhaara regarding this?

Personally, I think engagement periods give you all the time to find faults in your future husband or wife, faults that you may even accept if you had married the person as opposed to being engaged to them.

 

[Ansariyah]

u need 2 ask urself 3 things,

1 Do u trust her? Trust is very important, without it there is nothing.

2 U said u want to see her happy, u asked her to change her ways, but she doesn't seem to want to. The Question is, does she want to see u happy?

3 Why does the thought of marrying this girls freak u out so much? Is ur gut feeling maybe trying to tell you something?

Make istakhara n Allah knows best.

 

[Khadijah0529]

Hello Brother.

Pray that she may be enlightened that material gains is nothing if your marriage at the beginning is rocky. Now that you have doubts in your heart and mind, the more that you will persevere to pray and trust to ALLAH (SWT). Give her a chance but two years is too long. Say 6 months and see whether she has change or not. If not, then it is time to move on. Being married is not just to please oneself or being pleased by your husband. It is a binding contract to put value on your relationship with each other, being unselfish, being more giving and pleasing to your partner as well.
InshaAllah, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Pray, pray and pray. Feedback me after 6 months.

 

[Zahida]

I agree instead of postponing why don't you pray for her and ask Allah for his guidance to show her the straight path......... in the meantime pray Istikhaara and see if there is a marraige for you...........

@Alpha Dude......... I have been waiting for a looooooooong time and pray to Allah with help to ease my difficulties . Is the "what if" wrong. I have waited and then thought no what if things change........ do you see what i'm getting at. Forgive me if i sound a bit strange....... been a long day. Had a bereavement in the family and............. but please give your opinion???

Bro, postponing marriage for 2 yeards is a BAD idea. Don't wait that long for just a "what if?"

 

[YusufNoor]

you've probably heard this before, Akhi, BUT:

Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 33:
Narrated Usama bin Zaid:
The Prophet said, "After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women."

think about this!

Muslim Book 008, Number 3465:
'Abdullah b. Amr reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.

see a difference?

Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.

if she is not a religious woman DON'T even consider marrying her! marry a pious woman soon!

YES, MAYBE your "fiance" MIGHT change in the future, she can then be your 2nd wife or someone elses!

can you change a woman?

Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 114:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of the women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked, so I urge you to take care of the women

the same from Muslim:

Muslim Book 008, Number 3468:
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: He who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it or keep quiet. Act kindly towards woman, for woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will remain there. So act kindly towards women.

I have little to no hope for either situation, and frankly, if it doesn't work out, I don't think I'll be too hurt. Nevertheless I trust that Allah swt will give me the strength to stay sane through a two year engagement.

Am I doing the right thing here? or should I have just broken it off?

i'm thinking you KNOW the correct answer, but chickened out. now you've come here to see if people agree?

I DON'T! break it off! go to the Masjid and see if someone has a good pious sister needing to be married!

only cuz you asked!

 

[Liberty]

First of all, you need to sit her down and discuss this with her.
Have you told her that vanity bothers you?
Because I wouldn't wait 2 years to find out whether change has occured.

 

[Re.TiReD]

Bro, postponing marriage for 2 yeards is a BAD idea. Don't wait that long for just a "what if?"

:wasalamex

Agreed ^

I know your circumstances are different. You're engaged. But a two year wait...Not knowing the outcome....Not knowing what's gunna happen or what fate is gunna throw ur way. Is a killer. Its hell and I'm not kidding.

But then, you're engaged...things are diff for you. May Allah (swt) help you. Ameen.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

break-off - search for a wife - if she dont want you ie say "i thot u wanted me?" then u kno its not Qadr


oh and last but not least - wat ur doing bro - is - - - HARAM

 

[piXie]

Brother, you sound like a good person, who cares about pleasing Allaah and abt doing the correct thing. A person likes that needs a partner who also cares about that. Otherwise there is constant anxiety, problems, and misery.

The Prophet :arabic5: has advised men with regards to who to marry, and what could be a more better advice than his.

He :arabic5: said:

"Women are married for four reasons: wealth, family, beauty and piety. Choose the possessor of piety and achieve success."

Based on what you have told us previously about your fiance, I would not advise you to wait for her for two years to change. People don't change like that. They just take advantage, while we wait with our hair going grey. :-\

She is constantly upsetting you, it is a destructive relationship already. So how will it be after you get married?

Take the advice of the Prophet :arabic5:. Find someone who is pious and you'll be a happy guy insha'Allaah

oh and last but not least - wat ur doing bro - is - - - HARAM

What's he doing thats Haram?

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Salaam.

I posted before about a troubled relationship with my fiance, and I need to hear more, so I'm going to update.

I decided to postpone the marriage because we have been having problems. I cannot get over the fact that I think that she is too much caught up in dunya. Maybe some would call it vanity. It seems that there is nothing I can do or say to convince her that her obsessions with all of the things like clothes and make up and celebrities are really bad for her.

I want her to be happy, so I told her that she should forget everything that I have said to her and be free and do what she wants. She has begun to go out with more and more friends, and we have begun to talk less and less.

I am so much happier now that I am not worried about her. When I thought we were months away from getting married, I was freaking out thinking that I would marry this girl who is so dunya-oriented. This is not for me to judge, of course, but you just see things in the ways people act.

----anyway, we have decided to wait for at least two years, and here comes the problem. I got engaged to her because I was ready to get married. Now I have to wait two years ONLY to see if she has grown out of these things or if I have changed enough to be able to tolerate them and accept her despite these things.

I have little to no hope for either situation, and frankly, if it doesn't work out, I don't think I'll be too hurt. Nevertheless I trust that Allah swt will give me the strength to stay sane through a two year engagement.

Am I doing the right thing here? or should I have just broken it off?

perform istikhara?

i dont think you should wait 2 years...someone else thats more suited for you might come...

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

What's he doing thats Haram?

your joking right :exhausted



read the opening post again

 

[Hafswa]

Bro, you are being faced with too many major decisions here :-\:
1. To marry a lady that you already have fears and doubts about ( Love never doubts)
2. To wait 2 long hurtful years and face the reality of what time will bring( could be in favor ie. she could realise that the ways of the dunya do not lead to true happiness or not ie. she could get too deep into the dunya that relating to her will be more difficult)
3. To break it off entirely and pray that Allah (swt) gives you a suitable mate (Allah (swt) knows best)

I would advice you to think about this and ask yourself if you are willing to pay the price of your time and love for someone who you aleady don't think compliments you.

May Allah(swt) guide you.

 

[piXie]

your joking right

read the opening post again

Too tired to read again. :uhwhat You tell me.

Am I doing the right thing here? or should I have just broken it off?

Just to add on to what I said previously. Brother, I don't think its really a matter of whats right and whats wrong.

There is a Hadith where a man came to the Prophet :arabic5: and said, “My wife is not a good custodian of the house” [ meaning she’s very friendly with other men]. The prophet :arabic5: said, “Banish her” [ meaning divorce].The man replied, “I am afraid my soul may covet her." So the Prophet :arabic5: said, “Then keep her.” [Ibn 'Abbaas]

Advice has been given, and a lot of men would leave a woman like that. But If you feel you can't leave your fiance, and are willing to give her two years to change, then that is your own personal choice. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

ok. I just read everyone what they say.

Here are my reasons why I don't feel like I can end it right now.
1) It will make her really sad. She said she has never had a relationship before.
2) We both know each others' families. (although some of my family has hinted they didn't think we would work)
3) What if I am wrong about her materialism? Everyone says that this is just the way girls are. She is from a wealthy family and just because she can afford these things and likes them a lot doesn't mean that she is all-bad...
4) We have already made it this far... she has a ring and everything.
5) I wouldn't even know how to do it. Would I talk to her parents again? Would they just not wanna talk to me and just cut ties?

I am a convert, so I don't have my parent's help in this from the religious perspective. They are not muslim, so they don't really understand what a "wife" means to me, but my mother and both of my grandmothers said that they felt like maybe we rushing into things.

The problem is that that is how you are supposed to do it. I told them when I found a wife, it would all happen really quick. My engagement has lasted almost a year and a half now. It started with us talking on email, then moved to hanging out with her family, then moved to hanging out in public, and then we hung out alone. THAT WAS HARAM. I know, we shouldn't have spent time without anyone, but I wasn't entirely aware of Islamic practices with respect to marriage even though I was ready to get married.

Then after about 7 months, I proposed in front of her WHOLE EASTERN family. I don't want to say where her family is from because I want to remain anon, but like it is a very FORMAL RICH family with customs WAY different than mine. I proposed though because I thought we would marry soon. You know if we had married soon after I proposed, we probably would have made it find as a couple.

I mean that's how close this is for me. It is hard, but I really feel like it is going to end. I just can't right now?:enough!:

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ your whole situation is screwed up.

i dont get whats so hard though, talk to both parents n marry her - OR - if she aint ready, LEAVE HER !

why u wasting time with a girl who DONT EVEN KNOW IF SHE WANTS YOU EVEN AFTER GETTING TO KNOW YOU!!!!!! (when i say want you, i mean want u WIV UR ISLAAM)



sorry for caps - i thot it will help wake you up ;D

 

[Yanal]

Bro it depends on you because you have to marry her and you have to keep your life straight. Tell her the affects of afterlife and how other religious people in Islam behave.

 

[piXie]

I'm trying to search for your previous thread, did u open a thread about your fiance before? I hope I'm not getting confused between two different people here.

I mean that's how close this is for me. It is hard, but I really feel like it is going to end. I just can't right now?:enough!:

Brother, pray to Allaah, and ask Him to guide you to what is best. We have only given advice based on what you have told us. No force or pressure. To leave her or to not leave her is your personal affair and that decision lies with you. And you know your situation better than we do.

Life isn't easy sometimes, may Allaah help you and ease all your affairs. Aameen

 

[roohani.doctor]

it seems as if u are stuck in the middle; two years is a long time and you shouldnt have to "wait" for her to change her ways, if you have a gut feeling to let it go, then let it go, either way its not gonna be easy like you said... wut if she changes now cuz she feels the need to but later on when you are married, she starts going back to the old ways?

also an istikhara might be a good idea, if u havnt already done it...

best of luck and may the lord bless ya