Is it okay for married men to look at other women?

[anonymous]

Assalamu alykum,

I have been married for four years now. Initially when we got married I noticed that my husband looked at other girls. I know that's normal for men and it's not a big deal. However, as our marriage progressed I also noticed that he not only looked but now I find him making comments like "look what she's wearing". I have had several fights with him about that mentioning the fact that it was disrespectful and he should be lowering his gaze. He defended himself saying he looks at everyone even men.

Anyway, he stopped doing that as much because of the multiple fights.

I now noticed that he looks at girls on his phone. I have seen his Instagram and although he doesn't follow any girls. I often see that on his search page there's all suggestion of girls. I know that you only get suggested things that you look at and there's all these attractive hijabis on his page.

Today, I find that he's in the room and I walk in. As soon as I do, he switches his phone off. I took his phone off and asked for the password and he refused to give me. He says to me it's nothing and that I am being unrational and I have trust issues. I said to him that if he didn't have anything to hide he'd give me his phones password. I mean if it was the other way around and he'd asked for the phone I'd give him because i have nothing to hide. Anyway, he doesn't give me the phone but tells me that he was in his sister's Facebook and he was looking a girls profile and he didn't want to hand the phone because he knew how I'd react and get the wrong picture. He defends himself by saying that I look at many men on tiktok, which yes I do but I do not look with THAT intention. Meanwhile, I know he's mindlessly scrolls through girls profile and pictures.

Please tell me this isn't right?

 

[Ümit]

Assalamu alykum,

I have been married for four years now. Initially when we got married I noticed that my husband looked at other girls. I know that's normal for men and it's not a big deal. However, as our marriage progressed I also noticed that he not only looked but now I find him making comments like "look what she's wearing". I have had several fights with him about that mentioning the fact that it was disrespectful and he should be lowering his gaze. He defended himself saying he looks at everyone even men.

Anyway, he stopped doing that as much because of the multiple fights.

I now noticed that he looks at girls on his phone. I have seen his Instagram and although he doesn't follow any girls. I often see that on his search page there's all suggestion of girls. I know that you only get suggested things that you look at and there's all these attractive hijabis on his page.

Today, I find that he's in the room and I walk in. As soon as I do, he switches his phone off. I took his phone off and asked for the password and he refused to give me. He says to me it's nothing and that I am being unrational and I have trust issues. I said to him that if he didn't have anything to hide he'd give me his phones password. I mean if it was the other way around and he'd asked for the phone I'd give him because i have nothing to hide. Anyway, he doesn't give me the phone but tells me that he was in his sister's Facebook and he was looking a girls profile and he didn't want to hand the phone because he knew how I'd react and get the wrong picture. He defends himself by saying that I look at many men on tiktok, which yes I do but I do not look with THAT intention. Meanwhile, I know he's mindlessly scrolls through girls profile and pictures.

Please tell me this isn't right?

He is absolutely wrong. He is sinning by looking at other women. So he should stop immediately with doing that.
however...
the fact that he is wrong does not mean that you are right. It is his sin. if you do a sin, you should repent, and keep it for yourself and do not tell anyone.
He knows he made a sin. and he knows that if you find out he is in trouble. so, naturally he wants to keep it a secret...which is ok.

Besides, how can you be sure that he is looking at women with "That intention"? which intention? and why is your intention different than his intention?
You are also in the wrong by looking at men.

and what are you upset about? are you upset about he is commiting a sin (which in that case you have all the right to be upset, but then you should show the same fierce reactions on any other sin like drinking or not praying)? or is it that you feel jealous and insecure when he does that? its not that he is cheating on you. maybe he also feels insecure if you look at other men...ever thought about it like that.

Is he wrong? yes of course. but it is his weakness. of course you can be upset about it, but you also should be supportive and help him with his weakness.

 

[Murid]

You must know there is a social role of looking, as to indentify and not to be a psycho etc.

Secondly, by your posessive needy behaviour you wont achievd to much.

Try to transform yourself and home to be more attractive and interesting.

Try to distance yourself a little, to be more interesting and not boring.

As sone say, there are not unattractive women, there are only lazy women. Everyone can improve. Spend time to study/educate further, volounteer, get female fruends to visit, get him involved into sports, fitness, visit spas etc.

Go to different restaurants etc.

Best is to involve into more practicing of deen, like daily wirid of salawat, estegfar, tasbeehs, surah ikhlas etc.

Rrecite morning and evening duas, duas before sleep, entering and leaving home.

Recite duas for guidence, like Allahumma khirli wakhtarli, Allahumma inni asalukal huda wassadaad, Rabbi zidni ilmen warzuqni fahmen, Allahumma arinal haqqa haqqan warzuqnatibaah wa arinal batilan batila warzuqnajtinabah.

Ask duas for barakah, ask duas that mercy descends upon you and your home (that will cool down his arousals and he will engage in better thpughts, not waste time and malaika will enforce ibadah on him inshaAllah).

Ask dua for barakah in food, like Alkahumma barik lana fehe warzuqna khayran minh.

As dua Allahuma barik le fee waqtee.

Give sadaqa a lot if you have wealth mashaAllah.

Give in his name if you can with intention Allah cures him from spriritual diseases and bad ahlaq.

 

[Murid]

PS
Please find duas in Arabic script and learn them.

Learn sunnah dua noor on sajdah and bigger noor fua before going to masjid (in addition recite that one often in other occasions too).

 

[anonymous]

Jazakallah khayr for the advice. Yes, it's probably jealously and insecurity that's bothering me more. And you're completely right about it being his sin and for him to work on that. But I have to be a little upset right? To show that the behaviour/sin is upsetting the environment of his house so that it doesn't carry on.

Secondly, jazakllah khayr for the duas. I will try my best to implement those.

 

[*charisma*]

Jazakallah khayr for the advice. Yes, it's probably jealously and insecurity that's bothering me more. And you're completely right about it being his sin and for him to work on that. But I have to be a little upset right? To show that the behaviour/sin is upsetting the environment of his house so that it doesn't carry on.

Secondly, jazakllah khayr for the duas. I will try my best to implement those.

Assalamu Alaikum

The whole social media thing is an issue everywhere and no one is really free from it unless you are never on social media. You can't control what your husband looks at though, and you shouldn't go to the lengths you're going to. If you have some insecurities, work on those instead. You need to be more confident in yourself. The way you're acting would be very off putting for any man, especially if he really does not have any intentions to do anything wrong. Your actions will push him to do something because he is getting punished for no reason at all. He's already feeling like he needs to hide things from you. This is not a healthy way to go about things. Have one conversation where you state your boundaries and concerns, and that's it. You did your part. The rest of it is really controlling your jealous temperament.