Is it right for your parents to disown you due to who you love and want to marry?

[muslimgirl_00]

Assalamualykum brothers and sisters,

I am in a dilemma where i want to marry a boy i have known for to years, we both love each other very much but our parents don't approve more so mine then his. Unfortunately, he isn't the perfect Muslim, he drinks alcohol, hence why our parents are so hesitant. However, i did not know about the drinking until a year into us speaking and due to my feelings towards him and being so attached i couldn't bring myself to leave him. Of course i know what he is doing is haram but personally i believe no one is perfect and we as humans have no right to judge others on the mistakes they make. I have spoke to him about the drinking and he is trying to stop, but my mother is totally against me marrying him. Since i told her I want to marry him shes been arguing with me constantly, telling me he will ruin me and that if I choose him she will cut me off and make sure the rest of the family do as well, she is even refusing to give me away.

What should I do in this situation? Is it permissible in Islam to disown your children? Should I choose my happiness over my families?
If anyone has any advice or an opinion i would really appreciate it.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Assalamualykum brothers and sisters,

I am in a dilemma where i want to marry a boy i have known for to years, we both love each other very much but our parents don't approve more so mine then his. Unfortunately, he isn't the perfect Muslim, he drinks alcohol, hence why our parents are so hesitant. However, i did not know about the drinking until a year into us speaking and due to my feelings towards him and being so attached i couldn't bring myself to leave him. Of course i know what he is doing is haram but personally i believe no one is perfect and we as humans have no right to judge others on the mistakes they make. I have spoke to him about the drinking and he is trying to stop, but my mother is totally against me marrying him. Since i told her I want to marry him shes been arguing with me constantly, telling me he will ruin me and that if I choose him she will cut me off and make sure the rest of the family do as well, she is even refusing to give me away.

What should I do in this situation? Is it permissible in Islam to disown your children? Should I choose my happiness over my families?
If anyone has any advice or an opinion i would really appreciate it.

When I read the title, I thought it was yet another case of a muslim woman wanting to marry a non-muslim. Thank God that is not the case here.

Well if our opinions are soemthing that could sway you than that is a difficult opinion to give, given it's about someone else's life, and one would have to try and be in your shoes to understand the situation as well as we can from behind our computer screens.

So to answer, what I can say is clearly (and I hope you recognize this fact), your parents are more experienced about the world than you are, they have seen different kinds of people in their lifetime. Most importantly they are thinking from a cold, calculated perspective. While you are thinking from an emotional perspective, hence your judgement is clouded.

So yes from a logical perspective, you should take the opinions of your parents very seriously. Emotions are temporary, and won't stay forever. This is the reality. What will you do when this emotional attachment wears off. A lot of marriages based on love breaks up after 3-5 years because after that time, the emotion doesn't remain.

Your parents are also thinking about long time consequences. What if after having some hard time, he turns to drinking to 'ease' the pain. Would that be an environment to raise a stable family?

"Should I choose my happiness over my families?|"

For a matter of philosophy, one should always choose family. Even Ronaldo kicked out his girlfriend who insulted his mother. When it's down to that, always family.

But this is your life, and at the end it your choice. I don't like giving opinion on the personal matters of other people, because I am not in your shoes and I definitely don;t want to be one that denies other people's "happiness". But since you asked, I gave an opinion.

 

[xboxisdead]

When I read the title, I thought it was yet another case of a muslim woman wanting to marry a non-muslim. Thank God that is not the case here.

Well if our opinions are soemthing that could sway you than that is a difficult opinion to give, given it's about someone else's life, and one would have to try and be in your shoes to understand the situation as well as we can from behind our computer screens.

So to answer, what I can say is clearly (and I hope you recognize this fact), your parents are more experienced about the world than you are, they have seen different kinds of people in their lifetime. Most importantly they are thinking from a cold, calculated perspective. While you are thinking from an emotional perspective, hence your judgement is clouded.

So yes from a logical perspective, you should take the opinions of your parents very seriously. Emotions are temporary, and won't stay forever. This is the reality. What will you do when this emotional attachment wears off. A lot of marriages based on love breaks up after 3-5 years because after that time, the emotion doesn't remain.

Your parents are also thinking about long time consequences. What if after having some hard time, he turns to drinking to 'ease' the pain. Would that be an environment to raise a stable family?

"Should I choose my happiness over my families?|"

For a matter of philosophy, one should always choose family. Even Ronaldo kicked out his girlfriend who insulted his mother. When it's down to that, always family.

But this is your life, and at the end it your choice. I don't like giving opinion on the personal matters of other people, because I am not in your shoes and I definitely don;t want to be one that denies other people's "happiness". But since you asked, I gave an opinion.

I agree 100%. That is why I told my mother that I know in marriage I have to obey my wife (not Islamic, but still I have to do it regardless), so I told her given the choice of two women in my life to obey either my mother or my wife, I choose you. I told her because you birthed me. My wife did not birth me. You toke care of me as a child. My wife never toke care of me as a child. You had to deal with me from infancy to adulthood, my wife never did that. But my wife expect me to work for her, to protect her (expectations and demands) and die for her. But you, my mother, would fight the fear of a spider off my shoulder and throw it away from my shoulder to protect me from harm. I even told my mother you even thank me when I give you money from my work...my wife expects me from and will never thank me and it is the least thing I can do and it is my duty to her and she will only find faults on me. My mom find faults to help me improve. My wife will only find faults to put me down and make herself feel good.

For that reason of many more, I choose to be single and take care of you. . I even get reward for obeying my mother. I do not get to enter from seven doors of paradise to obeying a wife.

So coming from a female point of view...husbands comes and go, your family stays with the rest of your life and they only go when death takes them. Your family wants the best for you. Obey your mother. She have not given her throne to that man you seem to fall in love with, yet. For that reason alone if anything, listen to your mother, obey your mother and don't go to that marriage at all. Your emotions have completely clouded your judgement.

 

[muslimgirl_00]

Wow! Thanks for that it was a really honest opinion, and i will take what you have said into consideration. But my main concern now is that if i side with my mother and say no to a marriage it will hurt both of us quite alot and possibly cause him to drink more.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Wow! Thanks for that it was a really honest opinion, and i will take what you have said into consideration. But my main concern now is that if i side with my mother and say no to a marriage it will hurt both of us quite alot and possibly cause him to drink more.

Well that is precisely the reason why such topics are difficult to give opinion on. Because it will adversely affect both lives (although this is something temporary and you will eventually get over it).

And sorry to be harsh, but regardless of his relationship status, he should have stopped drinking anyway, for the sake of his afterlife. I know if you are emotionally attached to him you might feel a sense of responsibility for that. But his Islam, his religiosity and piety are purely his own responsibility - not your's.

As for the other point, you have to sit quietly with yourself and ask yourself honestly if he will really turn a new leaf and change for the better. Because in a family where the man is not stable and responsible, that family breaks down faster than toy cars made in China. Especially if he has drinking problem, that actually makes it worse.

If you actually honestly think that he will turn for the better (and does he pray and got to mosque on Friday btw?), then you could try to convince your parents and him to sit down and work things out. Maybe you can point to some good characteristic he has that you haven't already.

But what you should not do is to cut your family ties whatsoever.

 

[muslimgirl_00]

Thank you for your opinion. Yes he prays he attempts to pray throughout the day and on a friday at the mosque. His drinking is of course the main problem in this situation he started due to grieving someone and has not really stopped since, my mom refuses to see any good in him and just sees his one negative side. I understand my mom wants me to have a happy and stable life but by taking the man i want to marry away from me I wont be happy especially not with another man. This is where another issue lies if i leave the boy I want go marry I will have to marry another but how can I do that when i want another, that's me ruining someone else's life.

 

[Insaanah]

Generally in Islam, parents look for suitable matches for their daughters. One if the reasons daughters don't find their own husband, is that the whole falling in love thing completely clouds one's judgement, the same way alcohol can. "Oh but I'm in love, he's the one", heard so many times before, and you feel that nobody understands you.
Actually, if you could uncloud your judgement, and someone suggested a man who drinks, you'd never accept. Also a parent's duty is to find a suitable man. If they marry you to him, they are failing in performing that duty properly. Where it is clear a match is unsuitable, it is your walis duty to refuse, to protect you.
Allah can give you somebody who will be of good character and pious insha'Allah and whom you will be pleased with.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Thank you for your opinion. Yes he prays he attempts to pray throughout the day and on a friday at the mosque. His drinking is of course the main problem in this situation he started due to grieving someone and has not really stopped since, my mom refuses to see any good in him and just sees his one negative side. I understand my mom wants me to have a happy and stable life but by taking the man i want to marry away from me I wont be happy especially not with another man. This is where another issue lies if i leave the boy I want go marry I will have to marry another but how can I do that when i want another, that's me ruining someone else's life.

Well fair enough he prays, that's a good thing. Has your mother actually even spoke to him in person? And what is your father's opinion in all of this?

 

[muslimgirl_00]

My mother has spoke to him quite a few times, i think she has met his mom as well. My mom and dad aren't together so he hasn't really been given an opinion.