Is my wife being selfish?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

I'm of the camp where you sit down with yoru sister and explain the money issue. If the issue is that you'll have to pay for her and you, her brother, can't afford it, that's how you have to explain it. From my understanding, the money your wife makes is hers and hers alone. If she wants to give it to someone else, then she can, but no one else has a right to that money.

Agreed !

i didnt realise there was a financial issue here, no its not selfish if your the one paying, i thought your sister was about to pay for herself. If the issue was due to an invasion of privacy, then i would have considered that slightly selfish...

 

[Chyna]

Assalamu Alaikum Brother,

InshAllah this response reaches you in strong Iman.

I have read your question and put simply, your sister is not your responsibility. If she is married, her husband must look after her and is responsible for her in all regards.

Once you are married, your wife then becomes your primary responsibility (after your parents if course). Why would you expect your wife to accept this, and further more to contribute financially to the trip for your sister (of course, this is unless she, from the goodness of her heart offers to do so). If your wife is working, like another poster has stated, the money she makes is hers and hers alone. It is not for you or your sister to spend.

Secondly, you and your wife are a partnership. All that goes on between you or that involves you must be discussed between you both. This is the key to building a strong relationship and also respect between you both. It is a normal reaction for your wife to be slightly uneasy or uncomfortable with your married sister to be tagging along on this trip. Make dua that your sister is able to fulfill this duty with her husband inshAllah, or her son in the future if she is unable to do at the moment.

In regards to the issue that your sister is making decisions without your knowlegde, and sharing them with the rest of the family, well that needs to stop and you would need to be the one to bring this up in a polite, yet firm manner. This could potentially cause very severe problems between you and your wife in the future. Brother, try to put a stop to it now inshAllah.

Lastly, if your wife accepts your sister coming along with you both, then the reward is with her InshAllah.

 

[piXie]

^ Absolutely, n 100% agreed!

Masha'Allaah, couldn't have said it better myself...

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

what bothers me the most, she made decisions about you, without you. if i was in that situation, that reason alone, i most likely wouldn't take her.

 

[Sunnih]

Assalamu alaikum. Dear brother. Your question comprises of e few components. As far as the validity of you taking your sister to perform hajj this is valid although she has a husband just like the Messenger ordered Abdurrahman ibn Ebi Bakr (Aisha's brother) to take Aisha to perform the rites of hajj although He was there.

As far as your wife being cautious about her money by not wanting to pay or being reluctant to pay for your sister's expenses, this is her right because although she does work, she is not obligated to work and the maintenance and expenses for hajj should be covered by you. Her money belongs to her and you have no right over it except in what she freely and willingly gives you from it which I think is the case. Also she will get reward for doing this as this is counted as charity with double reward. So she may distribute her charity as she pleases i.e to pay for you but not for your sister. However she should take into consideration that paying for the hajj of someone is from the best deeds that one may perform with his/her money. If she still does not want to pay for her and you can not afford it then you may borrow the money from her and such a practice is somehow being neglected in our time thus taking the rights of our wives without right. Yes it is valid to borrow from your wife and yes she does not have to work and it is your burden.

As far as the attitude of your sister boasting by relying on you this is wrong no doubt however this does not have any bearing on the ruling of you taking her to hajj. Rather you should try to advice her and explain to her two things: Your rights and obligation toward your family members and also tell her to always say inshallah after speaking about the matters in future.

So in conclusion: You should talk to both your wife and your sister about this matter and this is the best thing to do.

Lastly, I pray to Allah to facilitate your going to hajj (your sister too) and to make it a hajj mabrur.

 

[islamic]

I don't know the answer to this one, so this is the scenario, please advise as to how to resolve. Recently my wife and I have been planning to go to hajj inshallah next year. I went to my sister house not long ago and told her of my intention to go. As I have been kicked out my parents house long time ago (reasons for this as some of you may wish to know can be found in previous posts that I have sent) my sister went to my mum house and told everyone about this and also said that she will be comining along too. everyone at my mums undermined me saying we will see if he does have the will power to go so in a sense they challenged it which led my sister to challenging them back to giving them her word that "watch I will go next year with my brother and his wife and ill show you that when time is nearer" and she gave her qasam etc. Anyhow the problem is this that as me and wife have never been out of the uk before she assumed the prilgramige would be the best way forward if we did wish to go out the Uk. now she kinda upset with the fact that my sister wishes to come along too. what do I do to resolve this matter?

brother, you are going to perform haj and haj is not just traveling out of your country. I think you should tell to your wife, your sister, and your family what does haj mean and with what intentions and how should people go to haj. You don't have to fight about who will go and what will do there and ... whatever! Haj is not that, haj is something else.

 

[RespectAll]

Yeah she knows that but is kinda upset as my sister has a tendency to giving her word to my family about other things that involve me like recently without consulting or asking me she told everyone at home tht I'm going to take her leicester to buy her eid clothes whereas she didn't even ask me so my wife kinda fed up with her unruly ways of tagging along to places

^ Your sister is clearly using you. Sort it out before it gets out of hand.

It makes no difference whether it's hajj or not, your wife has a moral right to decide who will accompany her aborad. In actual fact, the scholars have written that when one goes for hajj, one should not take ones relatives with, as this may cause arguments etc - which more bad done than good. Especially in hajj, when ones concentration should be on Allaah subhaanahu wa ta`alaa.

Don't take personal offence when your wife doesn't want your sister to tag along; she may not even want her own sister to tag along. The truth is everyone needs their space, especially a married couple, and don't let your sister come in between your relationship - it's clearly not worth it!

 

[islamic]

Especially in hajj, when ones concentration should be on Allaah subhaanahu wa ta`alaa.

:bravo:

 

[YusufNoor]

Assalamu Alaikum Brother,

InshAllah this response reaches you in strong Iman.

I have read your question and put simply, your sister is not your responsibility. If she is married, her husband must look after her and is responsible for her in all regards.

Once you are married, your wife then becomes your primary responsibility (after your parents if course). Why would you expect your wife to accept this, and further more to contribute financially to the trip for your sister (of course, this is unless she, from the goodness of her heart offers to do so). If your wife is working, like another poster has stated, the money she makes is hers and hers alone. It is not for you or your sister to spend.

Secondly, you and your wife are a partnership. All that goes on between you or that involves you must be discussed between you both. This is the key to building a strong relationship and also respect between you both. It is a normal reaction for your wife to be slightly uneasy or uncomfortable with your married sister to be tagging along on this trip. Make dua that your sister is able to fulfill this duty with her husband inshAllah, or her son in the future if she is unable to do at the moment.

In regards to the issue that your sister is making decisions without your knowlegde, and sharing them with the rest of the family, well that needs to stop and you would need to be the one to bring this up in a polite, yet firm manner. This could potentially cause very severe problems between you and your wife in the future. Brother, try to put a stop to it now inshAllah.

Lastly, if your wife accepts your sister coming along with you both, then the reward is with her InshAllah.

i agree with this post, and would only differ IF you were your sister's wali! which you are not.

if your sister wanted to go purely for the sake of Allah(swt), you might be want to make it all work, but i'm pretty sure the reason for Hajj isn't so you can win an arguement with your parents...^o)

another $.02

 

[al Amaanah]

I agree with Chyna.