Is this permissible?

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Studentofdeed

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Sometimes when my really bad memories get the better of me, I complain in my duas. I have forgiven these people but the effects still linger in my head. My complaining to Allah, is this bad or is this mean I did not forgive them or am I making dua against them? i forgave them and try not to focus about them but sometimes really painful memories come in my head and cause me to break down.

Is there any method also in making traumatic or bad experiences go away? I still suffer from them. Forgiving them has made the anger go away but the pain is still there.
 
Studentofdeed said:
Sometimes when my really bad memories get the better of me, I complain in my duas. I have forgiven these people but the effects still linger in my head. My complaining to Allah, is this bad or is this mean I did not forgive them or am I making dua against them? i forgave them and try not to focus about them but sometimes really painful memories come in my head and cause me to break down.

Is there any method also in making traumatic or bad experiences go away? I still suffer from them. Forgiving them has made the anger go away but the pain is still there.
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It is said that time heals almost anything. Give it time. We are here to also in search for knowledge. Is that an authentic hadith? The one with seek knowledge on your way to China?
 
Assalamualaikum brother, I am not a scholar to determine whether it is permissible or not but this is based on my similar experiences as yours. Yes, forgiving does minimise the anger that we feel towards people who hurt us but the pain no matter how hard we try to forget will always be there. I believe this is not a matter of iman or remaining resentment (if no anger truly resides in you but just pain) it is a natural human emotion. Just like physical wounds leave scars, action and words if others can leave internal scars too. And like all scars, it takes time to fade and heal.

For me, it took a long time for the scars to fade and heal. At times I could not sleep at night and I do also have a mental breakdown so much so that I would vomit. I was also very wary of people. But I also learn that just speaking to people about it wont really help me. However, as humans we do need an outlet for our negative thoughts. I turn to Allah and I do talk to him of the pain that I go through because you need to know this pain that you go through, only Allah understand how painful it is. But don't do just that, ask him sincerely to help relieve this pain. You have to believe Allah will help you and you have to trust him when that time will be. Do not expect things to be immediate and be patient. Not only that, read all the hadiths and quranic verse to remind you of the reward you will get by growing through this pain.

Remember brother, this life is the tribulation. This dunya (world) is not meant for true happiness and it is design to break your heart and give you hardship so that we could go to our true goal: to turn to Allah. I hope
 
No matter how agitated, anxious, or out of control you feel, it’s important to know that you can change your arousal system and calm yourself. Not only will it help relieve the anxiety associated with trauma, but it will also engender a greater sense of control.

Mindful breathing. If you are feeling disoriented, confused, or upset, practicing mindful breathing is a quick way to calm yourself. Simply take 60 breaths, focusing your attention on each ‘out’ breath.

Sensory input. Does a specific sight, smell or taste quickly make you feel calm? Or maybe petting an animal or listening to music works to quickly soothe you? Everyone responds to sensory input a little differently, so experiment with different quick stress relief techniques to find what works best for you.
 
Jazakhallah Khayran...I am truly trying but it has been 3 years and I am still suffering. Only know i happens when I see certain things or certain moments which trigger these painful memories. I no longer have panic attacks as Allah made that person move away Alhamdullah but I am afraid I am now a damaged individual and will definetly suffer in my future relationship or if I ever get married. Even though I do want to get married, I am starting to realize maybe its not ment for me as I am very disturbed and have depressive painful momments. I already feel like a bad muslim so I feel marraige or having kids may be unfair to those people. Pretty much this thing may last on me for the rest of life. I forgave for the sake of Allah, but sometimes I still feel neglected by Allah. I don't feel any closer to him and nothing special was happening. I suppose its meant to be that way
 
There is a method I have done that worked. As far as I know it's not against Islam.
You can either see a professional for this, or do it yourself.
All you need to do is pick a quiet place you can be alone without much interruption,
make yourself comfortable, make the intention to heal the pain from trauma,
then make dua ask Allah to help you, then close your eyes and focus your mind.

When you see the person who hurt you in the past, tell this person ,
E.g. if let's say someone who is abusive towards you
then you see him/her in your mind, then tell this person that he/she has no right to abuse you,
that on Judgement Day he/she will not get away with wronging you etc

if someone called you worthless, useless, you will die without him/her etc
then when you see this person in your mind, tell that person, you are not worthless,
you will not die without this person because you only need Allah (not this person) to live, etc

This method is called Psychotherapy and it can be done by anyone of any faith
Keep doing this until you feel better. Don't worry how much time it will need to heal the pain from trauma,
don't worry that you are suffering from too much pain etc
You can also use this method even if it's not a person, maybe a traumatic event.

Also don't worry that it will not work. Try it first, you never know, Allah may heal your pain through it.
 
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Greetings and peace be with you Studentofdeed;

I listened to Glen Fielder tell his story, he had been signed up to play football with Leighton Orient with David Beckham. He had a life of fame and fortune ahead of him. Shortly after he went to a night club and was stabbed in the back. He has been paralysed from the waist down and been in a wheelchair for the last 27 years. They caught the man who did this, he served four years in prison, he was then able to walk out of prison on his own two feet, and justice had been served.

By this time, Glen had learned to drive a disabled taxi, he tracked down his assailant, and then stalked him with the intention of running him over. Glen saw an opportunity to run his attacker down, but something stopped him. He said he came to understand that true justice could not happen. Justice is not that two people should be crippled, rather, it is that neither of them should be crippled. He knew he could never turn back time. He came to understand that he had to let go of his hatred; if not, he would become worse than his assailant, because his actions would be premeditated.

Glen said he has to live with two diseases, being crippled, and the greater disease was the hate burning away inside him. Forgiveness and letting go of the hatred was a gradual process for his own benefit, his wheelchair has been a daily reminder of the past injustice.

After we heard his story in Manchester Cathedral, we were asked to say a blessing and we were to keep in mind all the people that we love and cared for. Then we were asked to say the same blessing for all those who had hurt us and who we needed to forgive.

Now may the peace of the Lord be with you,
May the Lord bless you
May the Lord keep you
And may God's face shine upon you always
And give you peace.

Glen now goes round the country talking to people about the need to let go of past wrongs. His story is powerful because you can see all the reasons why he should still be angry. He is married with two children and says he had to miss out on so much like playing with his kids in the park.

Sometimes hearing extreme stories can influence our thoughts.

May Allah bless you through all your struggles,
Eric
 
Eric H said:
Greetings and peace be with you Studentofdeed;

I listened to Glen Fielder tell his story, he had been signed up to play football with Leighton Orient with David Beckham. He had a life of fame and fortune ahead of him. Shortly after he went to a night club and was stabbed in the back. He has been paralysed from the waist down and been in a wheelchair for the last 27 years. They caught the man who did this, he served four years in prison, he was then able to walk out of prison on his own two feet, and justice had been served.

By this time, Glen had learned to drive a disabled taxi, he tracked down his assailant, and then stalked him with the intention of running him over. Glen saw an opportunity to run his attacker down, but something stopped him. He said he came to understand that true justice could not happen. Justice is not that two people should be crippled, rather, it is that neither of them should be crippled. He knew he could never turn back time. He came to understand that he had to let go of his hatred; if not, he would become worse than his assailant, because his actions would be premeditated.

Glen said he has to live with two diseases, being crippled, and the greater disease was the hate burning away inside him. Forgiveness and letting go of the hatred was a gradual process for his own benefit, his wheelchair has been a daily reminder of the past injustice.

After we heard his story in Manchester Cathedral, we were asked to say a blessing and we were to keep in mind all the people that we love and cared for. Then we were asked to say the same blessing for all those who had hurt us and who we needed to forgive.

Now may the peace of the Lord be with you,
May the Lord bless you
May the Lord keep you
And may God's face shine upon you always
And give you peace.

Glen now goes round the country talking to people about the need to let go of past wrongs. His story is powerful because you can see all the reasons why he should still be angry. He is married with two children and says he had to miss out on so much like playing with his kids in the park.

Sometimes hearing extreme stories can influence our thoughts.

May Allah bless you through all your struggles,
Eric
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ameen.
 
Studentofdeed said:
Jazakhallah khahyran i will definitely try it inshallah
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I had to use this method to heal pain from trauma as well. It doesn't eliminate the memory, because the trauma is recorded in the brain, like everything that we have experienced in life.
But it does eliminate the pain. I didn't believe it until I tried it myself and it worked. I hope it works out for you as well InshaAllah
 
Greetings and peace be with you Studentofdeed; I hope this finds you well,

Eric H said:
Shortly after he went to a night club and was stabbed in the back. He has been paralysed from the waist down and been in a wheelchair for the last 27 years.
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Can I give you a second story to compare with the one above. Try and search for a deeper meaning of acceptance, anger and how you would continue living with kindness.

My mum suffered with multiple sclerosis, she gradually lost the use of both hands and both legs. She spent about the last thirty years of her life in a wheelchair and about the last fifteen years paralysed from the neck down. There were times she said she wanted to die, but she had a spiritual experience that helped her find peace and acceptance.

I really could not understand how she just seemed to accept being paralysed from the neck down. She rarely complained and often seemed more worried and concerned about our problems than her own. She had a faith in God and she sometimes used to say that she is ready to meet Jesus. We all seemed powerless to help her in any meaningful way.

I can only say that I will never meet a stronger person than my mum, and she was so kind and caring too. How do you wake up every day and know you can’t do anything? Faith is only faith when it is tested; sometimes it seems that God tests us in extreme ways. We all die; faith and trust in God helps us to look forwards to a greater good life after death.

My dad on the other hand did not cope well; when mum started to suffer he took to drinking and died an alcoholic shortly after.

I want to make one more challenging post about forgiveness. I believe it is the same to forgive someone, whether they have stolen £10 from you, or they stabbed you in the back and you have been paralysed for 27 years. Any thoughts?

In the spirit of praying for justice for all people,
Eric
 
Eric thank you for sharing that. I am very sorry you had to go through that...

I believe life is a journey for everyone. We are all on our own levels of spirituality. Some are following their desires , other are resisting. We all return to Allah and have to see on which conditions do we return in. Forgiving others is good because it helps you and makes it easy for others as we all make mistakes. Don't get me wrong, we should always forgive small misdemeanors here and there and should not hold grades over little things. But if someone whose life was destroyed, be it murder, rape, or whatever. The ability to forgive is harder. And those people are struggling and should not be pressured to forgive those who destroyed their life. To forgive someone who did that amount of pain is incredible hence why they are rewarded more. As I was saying...I overcame my anger not because I genuinely wanted to forgive some people, or they sought forgiveness, or even if they deserved it but rather for myself and Allah. So I would say it is very different and people who do not forgive, should not be looked down but rather we need to be understanding and not shove this ideology on everyone rather advise them. We should be understanding of others situations and then tell to forgive when appropriate
 
Studentofdeed said:
Sometimes when my really bad memories get the better of me, I complain in my duas. I have forgiven these people but the effects still linger in my head. My complaining to Allah, is this bad or is this mean I did not forgive them or am I making dua against them? i forgave them and try not to focus about them but sometimes really painful memories come in my head and cause me to break down.

Is there any method also in making traumatic or bad experiences go away? I still suffer from them. Forgiving them has made the anger go away but the pain is still there.
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Brother I go through the same thing everyday when my thought process idles, except I havent forgiven those people. Insh Allah there is ease after hardship. Even if I did forgive them, my helplessness and feeling of being defenceless makes me angry and frustrated. These emotions are not healthy, it eats your sanity, morals and mentality away chunk by chunk..

I have to get involved with other activities just to suppress it, there is a limit though, I can't keep myself busy all the time.
 
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@ Imraan, akhi - it is understandable if you cannot forgive yet. No one will be wronged on Judgement Day, Allah Himself has said this, it's justice for everyone.
Try the method I described inshaAllah it will help decrease/eliminate the pain.
The painful events will not disappear from the brain, so you will still remember it - but it will not be painful anymore and then you can move on to forgiveness, if that's what you want.
No one has to know what you will say to the person (in your mind) . Only you and Allah.
You can choose to say it directly to the person later on, or wait until Judgement Day in which you will also be able to do that.
There are 2 different judgements on Judgement Day. One is with Allah, next is human to other humans/creations.
I make dua for all muslims, for shifa, for guidance, for our duas to be answered if it is good for us in this dunya and akhira.
Anyone who is a muslim when I make that dua, I try to do that every day, is included in that dua. InshaAllah it will be granted.
 
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Don't worry.inshallah Allah will make things easier for you. And I will keep you in my duas. You are a good man and my heart breaks for you
 
Greetings and peace be with you Imraan;

Imraan said:
Even if I did forgive them, my helplessness and feeling of being defenceless makes me angry and frustrated.
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I believe it is the same to forgive someone whether they have just stolen £10, or they have stabbed you in the back, and you become paralysed from the waist down.

The difference is in grief, suffering, loss and acceptance; but NOT in forgiving.

If I went out and lost £10 through my own fault, I would be upset by the loss. The grief I would suffer would depend on what £10 meant to me at the time.

By comparison, if I knew for sure that someone had stolen £10 from my pocket, I would feel angry, and I might not be able to separate my feeling of loss, grief; injustice and anger.

My mum lost the use of both her legs and hands to multiple sclerosis. She had thirty years of coming to terms with this, living in a wheelchair, accepting it and still trying to be the kind and caring person that God intended her to be.

Unlike Glen who was stabbed in the back and paralysed, she did not have to fight the greater disease of injustice, anger and hate. Even though Glen was LESS paralysed than my mum because he still has the use of both hands. He still has the greater struggle in life.

Forgiveness is about being at peace with yourself, it is about finding ways to be joyful and grateful to Allah. It is when you can be the kind and caring person that Allah created you to be.

In the spirit of praying for justice for all people,

Eric
 
Eric H said:
Greetings and peace be with you Imraan;



I believe it is the same to forgive someone whether they have just stolen £10, or they have stabbed you in the back, and you become paralysed from the waist down.

The difference is in grief, suffering, loss and acceptance; but NOT in forgiving.

If I went out and lost £10 through my own fault, I would be upset by the loss. The grief I would suffer would depend on what £10 meant to me at the time.

By comparison, if I knew for sure that someone had stolen £10 from my pocket, I would feel angry, and I might not be able to separate my feeling of loss, grief; injustice and anger.

My mum lost the use of both her legs and hands to multiple sclerosis. She had thirty years of coming to terms with this, living in a wheelchair, accepting it and still trying to be the kind and caring person that God intended her to be.

Unlike Glen who was stabbed in the back and paralysed, she did not have to fight the greater disease of injustice, anger and hate. Even though Glen was LESS paralysed than my mum because he still has the use of both hands. He still has the greater struggle in life.

Forgiveness is about being at peace with yourself, it is about finding ways to be joyful and grateful to Allah. It is when you can be the kind and caring person that Allah created you to be.

In the spirit of praying for justice for all people,

Eric
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I think in my case the persecution seems to be continuous intimidation. Even if I did come to peace with myself the continuous acts of intimidation would distract me. Its more straightforward to find inner peace when you already have peace from 'outer peace' / external factors.

I pray that they stop and that I can get on with my life without having to sacrifice stuff that i have rights to.
 
brother, you have every right to seek justice and you deserve it. I would not think of you any less. Don't stress yourself and try to forgive them. If you decide to, then its a big reward from Allah. But you should not get pressured into it. Just focus on yourself most importantly. Know you are in our duas.
 
Greetings and peace be with you Imraan;

Imraan said:
Its more straightforward to find inner peace when you already have peace from 'outer peace' / external factors.
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It sounds easier to find peace when all around you is just and peaceful. Sadly; life is rarely like that; there are so many things in life that we have little or no control over, and we are unable to change. The secret of finding real inner peace, is to search for it when things go wrong.

Imraan said:
I think in my case the persecution seems to be continuous intimidation.
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I am sure you have gone through all your options, you can't avoid them, they have some sort of control over you, and they have a bullying nature. It is a terrible feeling to be powerless.

Imraan said:
I pray that they stop and that I can get on with my life without having to sacrifice stuff that i have rights to.
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I have found prayers to be far more powerful when I ask God to help change me, rather than ask God to change other people or situations. The prayer I would make is this, Lord help me with the wisdom, strength and the peace to do your will through these testing times. We can keep trying to make our situation better, but peace happens when I learn to try and change myself, rather than other people.

Reflect on the 99 names of Allah for the answers.

May Allah bless you through your struggles through Ramadan,

Eric
 

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