Issues between wife and family - need help!

[ali.qureshi]

Assalaamu 'Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah,
So before I go into full details, it's worth giving an overview of my current situation. Alhumdullilah I got married near the beginning of this year, my wife is currently a full-time student (Pharmacy - so it's a very demanding and hectic schedule) whilst I recently graduated and am now working full-time. Our families are from a Pakistani background, but we were born in the West.
We have an amazing relationship and are very happy with each other, however, one of the things I mentioned to my wife before we were married is that I am the only son of my parents (also have sisters who are now married and live elsewhere apart from 1 of them who is single and lives with us). Because of this I would prefer to be living with my parents (they're around 60 now) so that I can look after them.
The first few months went okay, but one of the issues my parents are constantly believing is that my wife is not contributing in the house - they don't expect for her to work full-time and become a typical daughter-in-law (as per Pakistani culture), but just want to feel like she actually cares for the house. When she gets to hear this, she says that she is trying her best, (she'll cook once in a while, help when people are over etc.). But one of the key things which makes it seem like she doesn't care is that she wakes up late, easily 1-2pm every other day, and revises in her room, so she almost looks locked up upstairs throughout the day. Some weeks will go okay but others (closer to deadlines) are very hectic, she'll work all night and then manage like this in the day, which creates a strange environment around the house as sometimes she won't even manage to come downstairs till late, grabbing some food and then carrying on.
In the first few months, we argued fairly often, but this was part of the adjusting phase and we were finding it difficult, my family could also overhear these issues because of the small space we're living in (UK houses, 3 bedrooms, it's just not spacious despite all attempts to give space). This started making everyone feel uncomfortable and I think contributed to where we are now.
My mother is not in the most healthy condition, she suffers from arthritis, thyroid and other health issues which mean she can be unwell fairly often, so a lot of times she'll be alone with my wife, who wakes up late due to revision and as a general routine, whilst my mother will be waking up early around 8am.
This has led to my father having words with me, asking me what's going on and how to resolve this kind of issue - but when my wife is confronted, she can sound extremely argumentative (despite her best intentions) - hence my parents think she can be very rude when it's not meant in such a way. Her family is very open and even the children will respond to elders in a casual way, whilst in mine, we will be very careful how to speak in a respectful way to elders so it doesn't come across in any specific way.
Anyway, it's now been 9 months and the stress is starting to show in my parents, they can very easily start to get annoyed (I must point out that they have gone through a great deal to get us married - as this was a love marriage and they were not extremely happy with my choice due to several reasons). Even when they are trying, my mother can come across as very negative, she might not have a proper conversation, if she has an issue, she won't say and will just overlook it until enough gathers and then it comes out (I've tried to get her to speak early on but it just doesn't work). Even though it's noticable, she doesn't admit to it and genuinely believes that she's done every the best way.
Along with all of this - my wife and sister (the one living in the same house) are just two completely different personalities. They both had issues prior to us getting married however both have tried to reconcile from the past and move on, but both easily find the other rude or are offended by small things which has over time built up - they now don't speak and it's minimal, but this has also increased the tension in the house, despite no-one having said anything.
So that's a good summary of the overall situation I'm dealing with, had a rough start before moving in, patched things up, moved in, wife took some time to adjust to me and the environment as it was different, family isn't extremely happy with her and feel she doesn't try.
Yesterday, things really blew out of hand and it's gotten extremely difficult to manage. My dad called me over to speak about how my wife is still not trying since our last conversation (I have seen and experienced her trying, but my family hasn't). If at any point I defend her, they oversee it and think I can't see anything. My wife could overhear the conversation and then came downstairs to talk, as she also wasn't liking the current negative environment in the house.
Firstly, she defended herself that she has been trying, some clarification was needed between her and my mum that she's working on her final year dissertation, she needs the time at night to work and it's been stressful. Although the conversation was going okay, voices were being raised which can come across as rude especially to elders - to which I attempted to intervene and just calm both of them down, this led me to shouting to just say "stop", to which my dad then thought I was being rude.. sighs. He was extremely angry and frustrated, saying that my wife hasn't contributed, it's gotten worse since last time, she doesn't know how to speak to elders (like I said, she isn't the best with words and comes across as being rude despite not meaning to). Eventually he ended up saying that it's not her house and that she needs to learn some manners - during this time I was trying to stop him that it's not his place to say these things. In return, my wife had enough of the same drama and responded by saying 'you need to look at your own daughter first' (as they don't get along and she's made mistakes which she doesn't see). The situation calmed down, my wife and mother carried on having a civilized conversation, but she once again started getting frustrated when my mother constantly started saying that she doesn't understand her angle and that she can come across argumentative, to which my wife then responded with 'like daughter, like mother'. This seriously blew things out of proportion, my mother was hurt by these comments, by dad was also frustrated, both women crying in the other room (seriously, I had no idea what to do and tried consoling both).
Eventually, my wife understood that she shouldn't have said those things and that she's overwhelmed, she's heard this before and my dad has come across very harshly. She's been quiet for a while but finally ended up responding. She apologized for her actions, my parents also took their words back.
Now here's the situation, woke up this morning and my father is still not over what happened. My parents feel like they've tried their best for 9 months, but things aren't working and my wife is rude because of how she reacted, they see no improvement or effort despite her best intentions. So now, it's extremely weird at home, with them not talking to either of us properly (I had to slap my hands together and ask my dad to be quiet as he was getting out of hand - yesterday) - to which he took severe offense and is very upset.
So, my question really... I don't know what to do. Nothing seems to be working, my wife tries, my parents try, it's just not working. How can I resolve this? Should we move out? But then I feel guilty that things could have worked but my wife didn't manage things in the best way (albeit, my parents haven't either).
Seriously brothers and sisters, please do advise. What's the religious standpoint, shall I move out or make things better. I just don't know what to do anymore.
If you took the time to read all of this, thank you, you're the real MVP - now help a brother out.
JazakAllah Khair.

 

[islamirama]

:wasalam:

What you have is a very complicated situation bro. The good thing is that both sides are trying despite having their differences. So alhamdulillah you are already in a better position than many others would be in this situation.

I think both sides need to realize their short comings and try to improve on them. Your wife already realizes this. She knows can and does say stuff that comes across as rude and impolite even with best of intentions. It's been 9 months, she has to ask herself has she put much effort into that behavior? She should focus working on how she talks to your parents and learn to think before speaking and consider what she is about to say may be taken the wrong way and how would be the best way to word it to get her point across and not come across in a wrong way. This is all about being diplomatic.

Your parents also need to realize that their old ways is not the golden ways and they need to try to also understand your wife and not see her as the enemy. It will be much harder for them but they also need to work on their behavior and how they see your wife. And you will come across as rude as well for trying to tell them that, so good luck on that.

But overall wife needsd to understand that she is not in her home with her immediate family and that she is in a different environment with different set of people with different understanding and viewpoints. I'm not saying she should bow down to others but rather realize that different situations/environments require different disposition of the person. You do not behave in school as you at home, nor at work place, nor at someone's house when invited, etc. So this too is the same, she is in a different environment and she needs to be tactful in how she says things.

And your parents need to realize that she is not there for their needs. She is their daughter in law and will help where she can but don't expect her to be their servant. Also realize that she is studying and the time commitment and requirements it has on her and the hectic time schedule she has. They need to realize that things will be like this till she finishes her studies. That last year of uni isn't easy. So they need to give her some slack and back off a bit.

Regarding your sister, she too should try to be more diplomatic with your wife. Both of them should be and learn to be more civil. Your sister is home so she should be helping her mother and not expect the wife to be available whenever.

Overall, all parties need to work on themselves a little and improve their own behaviors and be sensitive to others needs and feelings and be more tactful in how they communicate with each other.

I don't know how long your wife's studies are left but if its feasable and helps the situation, she can go to her parents for a short while so she can focuses on her studies. Or at least go when she has papers and assignments due and she really needs to hammar down on them.

As a last option if all things don't work, you may have to consider the possibility of moving out with your wife. Live close to your parents so you can check up on them but this maybe better for all parties. But before you get to that, the above suggestions should be attempted and even bring in an imam for mediation if necessary, especially the parents won't listen to you and consider you rude if you try saying something to them.

Lastly, you have been handling it well on your part so good on you bro. Inshallah have sabr and try to not let it get to you too much or you'll also loose perspective. And continue to be just to all parties inshallah.

May Allah make your affairs easy and soften everyone's hearts and put goodness towards others in it.

 

[*charisma*]

Walaikum Asalaam wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu

Your wife is not obligated to serve anyone but you, but I can understand why they may think she is being lazy etc. I think you should have a sit down with your parents and explain to them kindly and lovingly that she's your wife and you have not obliged her to do anything except to focus on her studies. And therefore it becomes frustrating when others are pushing her to change her routine when she's busy focusing on studies.

I think your parents want to feel that she's being more present around the house and in their lives as if she were their own daughter, however living with the in-laws straight after marriage is very difficult and absolutely stressful because there is no transitional point. You and your wife's privacy minimalizes and that causes stress (ie. you cannot argue without someone knowing about it). Your wife also did not get to see how they were before she chose to move with them, nor did she get the chance to really warm up with them and create a relationship where they felt comfortable enough to know that she does more than study and actually cares about them. For example, had you had your own place, I'm sure if your parents visited or if you visited them, she'd take more actions to be more receptive towards them.

That being said, I don't agree with your wife's attitude towards your parents such as being argumentative or having an attitude. She should be respectful to them all the time just as she would her own parents. They're old and only want to see her being more involved in the family. I honestly do believe she can put in more effort in doing nice things for them and making them feel happier.

If you are able to have your own house, I think that's the better choice. As long as you are not neglecting them and they are fine with you living away then I don't see the problem. Try to find a place close to theirs. You also mentioned you had a sister that lived with your parents. Is she active in helping them out? What is your contribution to your family at the moment..is it strictly financial or do you just feel at peace being around them and knowing they are ok? Because both can be done in your own house. But this is strictly my opinion. I also think you should have a talk with your wife and see where it goes. I mean if she is becoming intolerant and less patient, then you do not want to sever the times between her and them.

 

[talibilm]

Brother , a stitch in time saves nine So now you have to save atleast 5 . you have already lost four the Great virtue of making parents happy,the virtues,the love & warmth, the peace just saving your dunya or her dunya

No one can replace your THE MOST VALUABLE parents though wife can be replaced, Islamically you have duties to every body to your parents & to your wife but your parents COME FIRST. their Bad Dua can make you zero in your life . Never speak harsh on them or show bad face or just a Uff. Nabi :saws: & Gabriel had cursed of destruction (May he be doomed) on a Muslim who got the chance (like a confirmed LOTTERY jackpot) of having ones parents in their old age but still did not use it as a means of his salvation, maghfirath and achieve jannah . Your kids will do the same to you what you have done to your parent , father or mother.

The best solution is to beg and persuade your parents to WILLFULLY allow you to move out and the problems & sins are over inshallah. but its your duty you visit them everyday and Speak good friendly words to them, serve them WITH A SMILE THAT WILL EARN YOU THE VIRTUES OF AN ACCEPTED HAJ and which ever other service you are capable of like serve them a cup of tea, massage their legs and EARN THEIR DUA which your trillion dollars cannot earn you . But you have a got a WONDERFUL parents who bore their pain and who suppressed their dreams of having their own DREAM daughter in law JUST to make your dream come true & FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. These are traits of good unselfish parents and you are fortunate to have them. If I was there i will visit them frequently like a son and serve them. Also Dear, kindly advice your wife by making you sin she will also get equal part of this great sin though we understand that she s trying her best too and understand Deen first that serving husbands parents is like serving her parents too and making her husband happy. This life is a Test so test is not easy many times comes with pain & sacrifice .

Just see my post to know the Value of it what's in your reach now in post # 5
https://www.islamicboard.com/seerah/134342954-100-miracles-prophet-muhammad-peace.html

May Allah make it easy for you and keep away from those great sins. ameen.

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

My dear brother, may Allah have mercy upon you and ease your affairs. Aameen.

There is a reason our parents advise us about certain things but often we do not realise this until we go through life and experience the complications. You have good intentions in that you wish to take care of your parents in their old age - but in practical implementation, you will not be able to do this without the support, understanding and help of your wife. And it is very important that the man considers this and marries someone who he knows would be in a position to support and help him - and someone who has had an upbringing where they understand their priorities after marriage and are respectful and well mannered in their conduct. And someone who would be compatible with his family.

Your parents have valid points and concerns and are deeply hurt over the attitude they have received - whether this was intentional or not. Your mother is correct - her angle is not being understood. Please do not take this as condemnation, but the reality is that often we, the children, do not understand what our parents go through until we become parents ourselves. Your mother is old and has a debilitating health condition - I am not sure how much you know about thyroid conditions but a person in such a condition needs a lot of looking after - even from an emotional perspective because it's also an emotionally draining condition - such a person is not in a position to run a home alone - from early in the morning to night with other people only helping her when they can. For any household to run smoothly, especially combined family systems, there needs to be a nathaam (system ) of duties and responsibilities for everyone so that the primary burden does not fall on one person - and in this situation it seems to be falling on your elderly unwell mother. Whether this is intentional or not - this is what is happening. It is not enough that others living in the house sometimes help - whenever they can - without a set duty/duties. There needs to be duties - a rota. And until this is not understood and implemented these problems and misunderstandings are bound to occur. Whether we have studies or not - even if it's our Quran that we are learning, we need to balance ourselves out and not allow ourselves to become negligent in other areas of our life and married life - the woman also needs to see to the home (whether this is her own home or her inlaws), she needs to see to her husband. She needs to understand this because today it is her studies which are taking up incredible amounts of her time and tomorrow it will be her job. And even though she may not have an Islamic "obligation" to take care of her husbands parents - she should be good and kind in her treatment towards them and show ihsaan - especially if they are elderly parents who are unwell and living in the same house she is. And being in the room studying or sleeping til afternoon while the mother is up since morning and alone in the house is not good treatment especially when she is old with a health condition.

Today there seems to be a huge lack of awareness with regards to this. A lack of respect - a lack of regard - of the parents position especially the mother. We wake up whenever we want - sleep whenever they want - study during the night - sleep during the morning when there is barakah - we help when we can - we don't have manners - we don't have abaad - of greeting our elders in the morning - asking them how they are - seeing if they need something if they are unwell. Taking a duty or two in the house and being regular with them - after all we would have to do the same in our own home if not more - this will not take that much time out of our studies and only bring us the duas of our elders and put barakah in our studies and in our life overall.

Also my dear brother, when our parents sit with us to try and make us realise something - it is because they wish for good for us and there is a lot of khair and benefit in reflecting upon n listening to what they say. But when we argue with them and answer them back - then this is something which really really hurts them my brother, it stings them and burdens them with grief, especially in their old age when their nerves and bodies and physical and emotional endurance is weak. This is why Allah :swt: tells us in the Quran not even to say "uff" to our parents - because even this "uff" weighs very heavy upon their heart. You have been blessed with fair minded and sensible parents who have sacrificed a lot for you. We can give ourselves all the excuses we want, but what has been said and the reactions your parents have received are really unacceptable and sad. If after all our days and nights of learning - we haven't learnt how to respect our elders then in reality we have learnt nothing and will not progress very far in our lives.

They are our doors to Jannah and if they are pleased with us then Allah is pleased with us too.

May Allah be pleased with us and make our parents pleased with us. May He :swt: forgive all our shortcomings and guide us all. Aameen.

 

[greenhill]

Welcome to the forum.

This may take a very long time to 'smoothen' over. It will take longer for the parent, I believe, as the older generation tends to be more stuck in their ways.

So, your wife will need to be more patient and prepared to keep trying if the situation is to have any chance of getting better.

She may just need to learn how to 'appear' more respectful.. ?

I feel, although the wife needs to care for the husband, the husband will never feel happy if his wife and parents don't get along.

Wishing you a great stay.


eace: