keeping somebody close but at arms length

[AnonymousPoster]

i have a very strange situation. i have an illegitimate cousin, who is my uncles' son from a relationship in college. he never lived with my uncle or his family but my uncle supported him as he grew up. while he is welcome at family events and comes, shamefully, he has always been treated as an outcase by the rest of my family. he is also a very strange boy, he is not attractive and does not know how to speak to people in a manner that makes them feel at ease.

ever since i was a little girl i have tried to be his friend, and we are closer than he is with anyone else in my family. unfortunately, as i said he is strange, he developed feelings for me when i was in high school that have continued and magnified into the present day. i have tried everything, especially now that i am married and have my own family, to make him feel included... but each time he uses private opportunities to express his feelings toward me and recently he has begun expressing them quite forcefully.

i am not afraid, but i would like to find a way to continue including him because i feel sorry for him, but redirect his inappropriate feelings...

thanks

 

[جوري]

I feel very sorry for this boy.. here he is paying for the sins of his father.. how does anyone expect him to behave when he since birth has been treated like a pariah?

Sis..I find it rather horrible you referred to him as 'very strange and unattractive'..
I don't sense humanity in either description even if they are true...he is probably looking for tenderness he lacked growing up and transferred it to the first person who showed him any bit of care...

He is the victim here not you, and not your uncle who abandoned him, as if financing is a substitute for nurture imsad...la 7wala wla qiwta ila billah..7asbona Allah wa'ni3ma alwakeel..

My only advise is, if you pay zakat money to put a few aside to help him without him knowing you are helping him..as in the Quran:

قَوْلٌ مَّعْرُوفٌ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ خَيْرٌ مِّن صَدَقَةٍ يَتْبَعُهَا أَذًى وَاللّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمٌ {263}​

[Pickthal 2:263] A kind word with forgiveness is better than almsgiving followed by injury. Allah is Absolute, Clement.

Find a way to make sure your zakat helps him, whether getting him proper counseling or through arranging a possible candidate for marriage..

 

[AnonymousPoster]

i was trying to be honest and express my concerns... not mean. what i meant what that it is not only within our family but outside of it that people treat him like a pariah. he does not relate well with most people... his demeanor is such that they feel uneasy around him, and he looks very angry and mean all the time, but it is just the way he looks he is actually very sweet. i was not being insincere when i said i am close to him. i am afraid that he will always be alone which only perpetuates how unfair life has been to him so far...

too often my problems are patched up with money... and in this instance money is all he seems to get... money from my uncle, instead of a parent... money from his religious community, instead of support. i do not want to be like that, i've always been a close friend to him... but i do not feel comfortable being his friend with his highly inappropriate advances. it is difficult staying close to him when he wants something i cannot give him...

is there any other advice you could give me?

 

[جوري]

I am sorry I was just reminded by a dear brother that he makes advances toward you even though he knows you are married, I think I just tend to side with the non-present party instead of assessing the whole situation...
So I'll bow out, and I apologize if I too seemed insensitive.. maybe someone wiser than me can give better advise insha'Allah

waslaam 3lykoum wr wb

 

[Grace Seeker]

I suggest that you speak to him directly and tell him that you need to establish some clear and consistent boundaries in your relationship with one another.

Now, you might fear that setting boundaries is akin to saying that he is not welcome. But I suggest that setting boundaries is not being mean. Indeed, parents set them for their children all the time, and do so out of love to keep them safe. In this case, you are wanting to keep the relationship and keep it a safe relationship that both you and he can be comfortable with. For, and you know this, though you did not say it, should he continue to make inappropriate advances towards you, you will have terminate any and all relationships with him. Indeed, there are some things that he is not welcome to, and among them are certain advances toward you, even though you are cousins. So, you see, setting boundaries, clear and consistent boundaries, is actually an act of love on your part, even if he does not realize it at the time, for it is the way that he can be assured of continuing your relatioship with one another.

If you want to next ask what sort of boundaries, I think you yourself can best answer that question. I am sure you know what it is that you are comfortable with and what it is that you are not comfortable with. Your husband too might have an opinion in this matter. But this seems the place to draw those boundaries. If he says or acts in such a way as to say that he does not respect those boundaries, then he is also saying that he does not respect his relationship with you as his cousin and wish it to be something else. Your answer to that should be swift, simple, and sure. And it should include enforcement of the already establish boundaries, even the establishment of stronger ones if he shows a tendency to take advantage of more lienient ones. You can leave no question, not even a hint in his mind regard where you stand, and that you stand there unwaveringly.

His acceptance of you in his life must include his acceptance of your boundaries. If he truly cares for you this will be no problem.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

thanks everyone...

it is okay PA, i probably sounded like a selfish brat if you missed that detail.

i think i have set some boundaries... like i tell him as carefully (with regards to his feelings) as i can that he is my cousin, i am married, i love my husband very much, i do not have those kinds of feelings for him, and never will... he still tries despite these things. i do not know if he can help it entirely... i know he feels very awkward and uncomfortable around girls and i am safe to him, so much of this is frustration... he is also now 30 years old and i am in my early 20s, i think he is afraid he will never marry.

to make matters worse his half brothers constantly put him down. they are like my brothers... i grew up with them and they have always looked out for me, i love them dearly but i absolutely detest the way they treat him. i think a large part of his lack of confidence comes from their verbally abusive way of treating him. again, this makes me a safe person for him...

i think there might be something in that which i can work with to maybe redirect his feelings or rebuild enough of his confidence to let him go out and meet other people... i am starting to feel awkward around him though... more and more i try to be around him in the company of others instead of alone. i am not afraid of him, i just want to avoid another painful situation in which i must remind him of things he knows but wishes to ignore.

i am also afraid because he is living alone now, he lived with his mother until last year... he does not have friends, nor a steady job, he is very depressed and i am concerned that these interactions with me where i have to rebuke him... even as tenderly as i can... are only adding to his depression...

thanks again

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

intermingling is haraam, and you now see the effects of this disobedience of Allaah.

Distance yourself even by leaving the country if necessary, who knows how much further things will digress, i suggest you seriously reconsider all your actions and take the laws of islaam more seriously...

 

[tomtomsmom]

Perhaps you can get your husband to spend time with him. Let him help him be better instead of you.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

:uuh: my husband is kind of... protective... since 15 years old i think he has close to 40 assault charges against him because of fights about me. his father is a lawyer so somehow he finds ways out of it... he is the last person i want to know about any of this. i was thinking about talking to daddy though... he would understand and has always been kind to my cousin.

thanks!

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullaah

listen your cousins probably seriously fallen for you, love can be a dangerous thing.

I think avoiding him is the best right now,a nd get others to teach him about islaam.

You should really learn more about islaam yourself, Allaahs laws should not be mocked but followed, everything happens for a reason.


may Allah guide us all..

 

[AnonymousPoster]

do you really think avoidance would be okay... given the depression problems? you are a man so do you think it would be better in the long run or would it hurt his self confidence? i love my cousin and i want to help him have a better life... maybe you're right and i am only hurting the situation by staying close...

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

let me ask a counter question inshaAllaah, do you think your being around him will increase or decrease his affection?


second question, do you think your absence will cause him harm whilst others are attempting to educate him on the most important thing, islaam?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

let me ask a counter question inshaAllaah, do you think your being around him will increase or decrease his affection?

i do not know... i have not considered this. i do not understand how boys think, i assume that boys are only attracted to girls when girls indicate that it is allowable or welcome. and i assume that if i am friendly that is understood as just friendliness... and especially since we are family i thought it was just assumed that i am showing him a different kind of love than romantic.

i really do not know... would just being around somebody do that?

second question, do you think your absence will cause him harm whilst others are attempting to educate him on the most important thing, islaam?

unfortunately there are no others to educate him in anything, definitely not about personal topics such as religion or life. daddy does not see him very often, my uncle, his father, is disinterested in him and still ashamed by him. i am his only friend that i am aware of and the only other people that treat him well are my other female family relatives, but they are not as close as i am to him. without me he would not have anybody... i do not know if he has the confidence or knowledge to make new friendships or connections

it is a very sad situation...

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

i really do not know... would just being around somebody do that?

yes just by seeing the way you smile and move could attract certain boys, Allaah has asked women to observe hijaab for extremely good reasons, its a shame people choose to ignore it.

unfortunately there are no others to educate him in anything, definitely not about personal topics such as religion or life. daddy does not see him very often, my uncle, his father, is disinterested in him and still ashamed by him. i am his only friend that i am aware of and the only other people that treat him well are my other female family relatives, but they are not as close as i am to him. without me he would not have anybody... i do not know if he has the confidence or knowledge to make new friendships or connections

it is a very sad situation...

then you may find an imaam, enrol him into a college etc?

there are so many ways, all it takes is intention and well money... hope thats not a problem inshaAllaah


Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullaah (reply to my salaam inshaAllaah)

 

[InToTheRain]

Yes Sister I think you should avoid him completely and I assume he will have the intellect to figure out why. He is 30 years old and has brothers/uncle to financially support him. Also him trying to make moves on a married woman is wrong/HARAM! and should be stopped asap. Do not put yourself in a situation were he can do this. I believe your sympathy for him has worked against you to be honest...and now his emotions for you grow stronger due to it.

He relies on you too much, let him walk his path alone and maybe he will grow up Insha'Allah.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

yes just by seeing the way you smile and move could attract certain boys, Allaah has asked women to observe hijaab for extremely good reasons, its a shame people choose to ignore it.

i did not know that... i thought that boys could think of a girl as beautiful but attraction was a separate matter...

then you may find an imaam, enrol him into a college etc?

there are so many ways, all it takes is intention and well money... hope thats not a problem inshaAllaah


Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullaah (reply to my salaam inshaAllaah)

he is 30 and graduated from college many years ago... unfortunately he is not very interested in life, i think his depression makes him lethargic and indifferent. i have tried many times to bring him to see religious authorities who can help but it did not avail. money is not a problem for myself or the rest of my family, we are very blessed, i think his financial situation is modest but it is still within reach for him to go out and engage in things. the drive is not there to meet people though and there is great fear of rejection or judgment by others...

it is a catch 22, i am the only person he connects with or has the desire and confidence to connect with... so i am the only person it seems that has an opportunity to help him get out into the world and meet people, so that he does not have to rely on me

what can one do with such a situation?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Yes Sister I think you should avoid him completely and I assume he will have the intellect to figure out why. He is 30 years old and has brothers/uncle to financially support him. I do not like the that he is using your sympathy for him against you. Also him trying to make moves on a married woman is wrong and should be stopped asap. Do not put yourself in a situation were he can do this. I believe your sympathy for him has worked against you to be honest...and now his emotions for you grow stronger due to it.

He relies on you too much, let him walk his path alone and maybe he will grow up Insha'Allah.

what if he doesn't and it only makes things worse...

 

[InToTheRain]

what if he doesn't and it only makes things worse...

You'll never know till you try. But for sure, your current methods are not working.

Allahu alom

 

[AnonymousPoster]

You'll never know till you try. But for sure, your current methods are not working.

Allahu alom

perhaps you both are right... i might be preventing him from going out and living on his own and only hurting the situation. i will stay away and pray for the best outcome

thank you

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

i did not know that... i thought that boys could think of a girl as beautiful but attraction was a separate matter...

?

just to clarify, this attraction happens only "sometimes", its not with every single girl. I guess you can call it fatal attraction, and its pretty rare. And your right, you can think a girl is beautiful and not be attracted, and you can also think a girl is attractive and not find her beautiful, but either way risks should not be taken. Everyone is different, and Allaah may have placed the feelings as a test.

Allah knows best

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

(i still await your reply to my salaam)