i do not know... i have not considered this. i do not understand how boys think, i assume that boys are only attracted to girls when girls indicate that it is allowable or welcome. and i assume that if i am friendly that is understood as just friendliness... and especially since we are family i thought it was just assumed that i am showing him a different kind of love than romantic.
i really do not know... would just being around somebody do that?
Different people are going to respond differently. But I can tell you that people who have been denied emotional support in their lives simply crave it and will take any form of it, even abuse, to have it met. Your cousin, I only suspect since I don't actually know him, may have a stunted emotional development brought on by the pushing away he has received from most people throughout his life. Thus, the acts of genuine unselfish kindness he receives from you may stimulate in him an inordinate amount of responses, some he is no doubt aware of, and some he probably is not even aware of himself. He could mistakenly, but in his own mind, really think that he is in love with you simply because you make yourself "available" to him. Then, because he may not have the social skills to know the difference, he could think that since he stimulates this feeling in you, that you therefore have similar feelings for him. Now, that is pretty much the worst case scenario, but I have to share with you that it is a possibility. And even then it isn't something he planned or logically thought through, it is just an emotional reaction to his situation in life.
unfortunately there are no others to educate him in anything, definitely not about personal topics such as religion or life. daddy does not see him very often, my uncle, his father, is disinterested in him and still ashamed by him. i am his only friend that i am aware of and the only other people that treat him well are my other female family relatives, but they are not as close as i am to him. without me he would not have anybody... i do not know if he has the confidence or knowledge to make new friendships or connections
Return again to the concept of boundaries. That is what some of these other folks are also saying in their own way. I am glad that you reported that you have boundaries. I am not sure if you have clear enough boundaries or have drawn them in the places that are going to be most helpful for you. You might also consider not only having boundaries for your cousin, but also for youself.
For instance, you have indicated that "the only other people that treat him well are my other female family relatives". Well, one of your boundaries might be that rather than allowing yourself to be with him alone, that either it is always in the company of your husband or one of these other relatives you speak of. Then he will experience positive interaction with more than one person at a time. This might help dilute the individualized attraction he appears to have to you.
As regards to the boundaries you have set for him, you said:
i think i have set some boundaries... like i tell him as carefully (with regards to his feelings) as i can that he is my cousin, i am married, i love my husband very much, i do not have those kinds of feelings for him, and never will... he still tries despite these things.
Telling him these things is not the same thing as actually setting boundaries. While you want him to think of you in the right way, more than anything else right now,
you simply need him to behave toward you in the right way. So by boundaries I am talking about specific behaviors.
An illustration: I want my daughter to not get electrocuted. Today, she is able to understand this concept and so I talk with her about it. But when she was little, she didn't understand these things, so talk was not going to bring about safe behavior. One day when she was 6 months old, she crawled over to an electrical cord and started to pull on it. In one swift move I set boundaries with regard to electrical cords, I swooped down with one hand and picked her up and away from the cord and with the other gave one firm swat on her well-padded diapered bottom. She cried, more from shock than anything because she probably didn't even feel the swat. I felt like crying too, because I had never had to spank my daughter before (and I don't remember that I ever had to again the rest of your life), but I did need to clearly set a boundary that electrical cords were off limits, and I succeeded.
You have said that "he still tries despite these things. i do not know if he can help it entirely... ", so it appears that he does not understand your talking any more than my 6 month old did. And maybe he cannot. But, he can understand boundaries. And you set them by establish what is and is not acceptable behaviors. Focus on the behaviors and not anything else. After you get done with your little speach about how you are his cousin and you are married, that these feeling of his are misplaced and that you don't feel comfortable with them, you have to go the next step and say very distinctly:
"I NEED YOU TO STOP TOUCHING ME. If you are going to touch me, we cannot continue to be together."
Then the next time it happens, and it will, you respond by saying:
"I am sorry, but we cannot be together if you are going to touch me. You must leave now; I cannot be with you any more today." But you don't just announce that, you yourself get up and go to another room of the house.
If he follows you, you reiterate the point: "STOP!! I told you that we cannot be together if you are going to touch me. You touched me. It doesn't matter if you meant it or not. You did touch me. Now, please, leave. We can see each other tomorrow (or whenever the next time would be), but no more today."
And if he still ignores you, you call for help, asking someone else in the family to come to your aid. (Preferably someone you have talked to in advance and knows what is likely to happen and how you want them to help, so that they don't get to rough with your cousin, but help you get the space you need to establish your boundaries.)
Because your cousin is 30, and not 6 months, it is going to take a little longer. He has to unlearn some things, before he can relearn how to be with you in appropraite ways. But, if you are clear in actually defining what the boundaries are, by not just talking about them, but actually identifying the behaviors you don't want, and the replacement behaviors that you do, AND if you are clear and consistent in each and every enforcement of these behaviors. I imagine that he will soon learn what you are willing and not willing to put up with. The truth is that he has already learned that what he is presently doing is stuff that you are willing to put up with and that is why he is doing them. By not having aggresively stopped them in the past, you have taught him that these are things that he can get away with with you without consequences he is unwilling to pay. So, you are going to have to change your behavior with him, if you hope to get him to change his behavior with you.
