Lecture on what Women need to know about Men (Marriage)

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I was listening to a lecture titled what women need to know about men by Yasir Qadi
He stated that men are attracted to multiple women, Not one woman.
no matter whether their single or happily married. The are created this way.
According to his lecture, a man, no matter how pious always battles himself, and his brain automatically scans and notices attractive women in the room. (He adds that thats why our sharicah demands that we lower our gaze.)
But then repeats that this is hos a man is made. (No matter the piety level) .
Or however much he loves his wife it wont make a difference. Its how hes created.
It had me really confused, so I wanted to ask brothers, to honestly shed some light on this.
I thought if a wife did her role, then it takes away the temptation because he is satisfied. Maybe Im naive.
Please respond fast
 
He is largely right. Being satisfied with his marriage makes it easier for a man not to stray, but a good marriage (or other form of virtuous Islamic living) does not automatically eliminate impulses to act immorally. That doesn't apply only to men or only to sex either. Life is a trial of righteousness, and we cannot avoid being tried, we must pass the trials and give the Devil the fist. Your husband will feel tempted to stray. Your nafs will make you feel tempted to act selfishly and abusively towards him.
 
This will shed light on what the Shaykh said:

Jabir reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) saw a woman, and so he came to his wife, Zainab, as she was tanning a leather and had sexual intercourse with her. He then went to his Companions and told them: The woman advances and retires in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart. (Book #008, Hadith #3240)
(Sahih Muslim)
 
I never interested to have more than one woman. For me, one wife is more than enough. Yes, I am interested to notice the people, but not because their beauty. I can notice an old grandma for few minutes and an attractive girl just one or few seconds.

So, sister, Yasir Qadi actually was talking about "many of the men" not "all of the men".
 
Ahmad H said:
Jabir reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) saw a woman, and so he came to his wife, Zainab, as she was tanning a leather and had sexual intercourse with her. He then went to his Companions and told them: The woman advances and retires in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart. (Book #008, Hadith #3240)

(Sahih Muslim)
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:sl:

MashaAllah,

Sister, you got your reply! You are your husband's fort so protect him from what he feels in his heart!
 
:bism:

An Important Principle when thinking about our beloved Prophet (s.a.w.)


​



Although some qualities and aspects of the Most Noble Messenger (s.a.w) have been described in books of history and biography, most of those qualities relate to his humanness. But in reality, the spiritual personality and the sacred nature of that blessed person were so exalted and luminous that the qualities described in books fall short of his high stature. For according to the rule, “The cause is like the doer,” everyday, even at this moment, the amount of the worship performed by all his community is being added to the record of his perfections. He is also everyday the object of the countless supplications of his vast community, in addition to being the object of infinite divine mercy in an infinite fashion and with an infinite capacity to receive. He was, indeed, the result and the most perfect fruit of the universe, the interpreter and the beloved of the Creator of the cosmos. Hence his true nature in its entirety, and the truth of all his perfections, cannot be contained in the human qualities recorded in books of history and biography. Certainly, the stature of a blessed person with the Archangels Gabriel and Michael as two aides-de-camp at his side in the Battle of Badr (1) is not to be found in the form of a person bargaining with a beduin in the marketplace over the price of a horse, bringing forth Khuzayma as his sole witness. (2)

In order not to proceed in error, one should raise his head beyond the ordinary qualities of the Prophet (s.a.w.) that pertain to his participation in the human state, and behold instead his true nature and luminous stature that pertain to the rank of messengership. Otherwise, one will either show him irreverence, or instill doubts in oneself. Listen to the following comparison for an understanding of this mystery.

Suppose that a date seed was planted in the earth, has sprouted and become a large, fruit-bearing tree, and is still continuing to grow taller and broader. Or that a peahen’s egg was incubated, a chick was hatched from it and became a beautifully adorned peacock gilded all over with the imprint of power, and is still growing bigger and more beautiful. Now, there exist qualities, properties and precisely balanced elements that belong to the seed and the egg, but are not as great and significant as those of the tree and the bird that emerge from them. So, while describing the qualities of the tree and the bird together with those of the seed and the egg, one should turn one’s attention from the seed to the tree, and from the egg to the bird, so that one’s reason may find the description acceptable. Otherwise, if you claim: “I have obtained thousands of dates from a seed,” or, “This egg is the king of all birds,” you will invite others to contradict and deny your words.

The humanness of God’s Messenger (Upon whom be blessings and peace) may be likened to the seed or egg, and his essential nature, illumined with the function of messengership, to the Tuba-tree of Paradise, or to the birds of Paradise. His essential nature is, moreover, continually moving to greater perfection. That is why, when you think of the man who disputed in the market with a beduin, you should also turn the eye of imagination to that luminous being who, riding the Rafraf, leaving Gabriel behind, reached the “distance of two bowstrings.”(53:9) Otherwise you will either be disrespectful toward him, or fail to convince the evil-commanding soul. ~ The Nineteenth Letter


Dipnot-1 Bukhari, , 11; Ahmad al-Banna al-Sa’ati, al-Fath al-Rabbani, xxi, 26.

Dipnot-2 Abu Da’ud, ‘Aqdiyya, 20; Musnad, v, 215.
 
Not exactly immoraly from both sides. He made it seem as though despite religion mens eyes constantly stray. He specifically said even while he could be holding his wifes hand. Its not about my husband, its more that I thought If a wife plays her role. Plus if a man fears Allah then he will guard his eyes. He stressed dispite piety level they will. Because its in their nature.
 
Akhi, I do, i was reading and searching up lectures to better myself. (Alhamdulilah I fulfill my duties)
I came across this, and it confused me, so I came here for verification.
 
That's what I thought that only some men were like this. He made it clear all men are this way.
But I understand n believe you. You know yourself better than others know you.
 
anonymous said:
That's what I thought that only some men were like this. He made it clear all men are this way.
But I understand n believe you. You know yourself better than others know you.
Click to expand...
There is no any person who 100% same as another person because everyone, men and women, has different character and personality, although there's must be similarities between a man and other men, between a woman and other women. So, we cannot claim that "all men must be like this" or "all women must be like this".

I know you have heard someone claim that "all men are like this". But why it becomes a big problem for you?

Sis, everyone can claim anything although it's not true, just like I can claim that I am the most handsome man in the world and all women want to be my wives. :D

My sister, just forget what he says about the men. It's better now you focus on your effort to be a good wife who can make your husband happy with you.

Okay? ...... Salaam to your husband. :)
 
I have very much male friends. I grew up together with them and have experienced many things with them too. From what I have noticed they had various attitude toward women. There were who very polite, there were who shy, there were who like to flirt, there were who regard themselves as playboy.

After we getting married, I notice, among them there are who love their wives so much, there are who naughty and like to flirt other women, there are few who getting married again.

So, do not generalize that all males must be same.
 
anonymous said:
I was listening to a lecture titled what women need to know about men by Yasir Qadi
He stated that men are attracted to multiple women, Not one woman.
no matter whether their single or happily married. The are created this way.
According to his lecture, a man, no matter how pious always battles himself, and his brain automatically scans and notices attractive women in the room. (He adds that thats why our sharicah demands that we lower our gaze.)
But then repeats that this is hos a man is made. (No matter the piety level) .
Or however much he loves his wife it wont make a difference. Its how hes created.
It had me really confused, so I wanted to ask brothers, to honestly shed some light on this.
I thought if a wife did her role, then it takes away the temptation because he is satisfied. Maybe Im naive.
Please respond fast
Click to expand...


:wasalam:

After reading this thread, I have watched a short extract of this talk in which the above points were mentioned.

I have personally often wondered about this, and these are just some of my thoughts:

1. It is a fact that women are one of the greatest source of fitnah for men, as stated in authentic hadith.
So on this point, the brother is correct in mentioning that especially in todays society, this struggle against this great temptation is present more often (than in the past):
Today men often face circumstances where they are in almost constant contact with women (e.g. at work) - and in the majority of cases, these women either actively seek the attention of strange men, by means of provocative dress, speech and behaviour, or in the case of muslim women, they are aware of limits set by Allah, but they chose not to heed.

Add to this, the free, unlimited access to explicit images on the internet (from such young ages that were never heard of before), as well as a society that has become so secularised and stripped of all forms of morality, that we are caught in one of the most over-sexualised periods of history than ever before -
Its no longer possible to drive down a freeway, or enter a convenience store at the petrol station, or even watch an educational documentary on TV, without being assualted by advertising that sexually exploits women.

So, indeed, this great fitnah is present at almost every turn that one makes.


2. He mentions that it is part of man's nature to look at beautiful women who may pass by.
I think that this is actually part of human's nature - not just particular to men.
If a stunning women enters a room, there is an inclination, even for women (who are completely straight), to look at her.
This is because it is in our nature to be attracted towards all that is beautiful (in general) and not that which displeases our eyes.


3. However, I would have hoped that the following was mentioned the lecture:

- It is ONLY Taqwa - the constant remembrance of Allah, knowing that we are in His presence at ALL times, fearing His displeasure with us (and His wrath), that is the solution to this problem.
By trying to place those with very high levels piety into the same boat as everyone else, could imply that even taqwa will not help mans temptation against women.
Yes, if a beautiful women were to walk pass - everyone will notice - for we all have eyes/ we do not walk around with blinkers.

But it is ONLY the man (or woman) with taqwa who will limit him/ herself to one look.
Who will tell himself: "I will not look again, no matter how beautiful this sight is before me, because my ALLAH is watching me. And I desire HIS pleasure more than I desire the pleasure of my nafs."


4. Our elder scholars would place more emphasis on developing Taqwa (and less emphasis on whether or not 'man is created this way').
Certainly if this temptation was so difficult to overcome, then Allah would not have commanded us to lower our gaze.
Allah does not place a burden upon us that is too difficult to bear - which means that yes, it IS possible for men to lower their gaze.....if they so desire.



Imaame Rabbaani Hazrat Mujaddid Alf-Thani (Rahimahullah) states that
The person whose gaze is not under control,
​

has an uncontrollable heart.

And the person that has an uncontrollable heart,

has an uncontrollable private part.

The (state of the) heart is decided by the gaze.

​


​
The fitrah of man is that which has been commanded by Allah (subhanawataála).
If Allah has commanded that we lower our gazes, this would mean that this is the best position for man and woman......and the temptation to do otherwise, is a reflection of our nafs and the influences of shaytaan.

​
:wa:
 
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A real life example has been shown very wisely by the second caliph (prophet successor), Umar al-Khattab r.a.
Narrated that there was a man comes to 'Umar ibn Khattab with intentions to sue his wife's bad behavior. He was standing in front of Umar's house waiting for his exit. Accidentally he heard Umar's wife was talking bad to Umar while Umar said nothing. So the man returned and said: "If things like that with the Commander of the Believer, what about me." Soon Umar came out to see him back again, and then Umar said to the man: "Is there anything I can do?" The man answer: "O Commander of the Believer, I come to complain about my wife's bad behavior that hurts my heart, "Umar said:" O my brother, I need my wife bad talk because that is my wife’s rights that I must fulfill. My wife already cooks the food, make bread for me, wash my clothes, and nursing my son. All of which are not my duty. My heart at ease if I stay away from any form of haraam (unpermitted), so I am silent as a guarantee. It’s a very beautiful and lesson able think for everyone. "That was the wise attitude of Umar ibn Khattab. He very understood on the rights of a wife. This example show that the beauty of relation. I like it so much this example.
 
I know and understand the importance of marriage and i know it's half of your deen so it's mega important etc but i don't want to every get married.

A little bit of me does want to get married because everyone wants companionship and it is a really lonely lifestyle etc but the negative's of a man and marriage outweighs the advantages.

Allah swa knows best.
 
I have seen and heard so many women get hurt because of men.

I have seen women make so many sacrifices for their husbands only for their husbands to neglect them and abuse their rights.

I have seen women suffer at the hands of men.

I know not all men are the same and the ones who are religious etc will never abuse and hurt women but i don't want to take the risk.

It's best to be alone and lead a lonely life than live in a facade and fake marriage.

Am only going off my experiences and thoughts.

Marriage is highly stressed and recommended in Islam so please don't let me discourage you.

Allah swa knows best
 
strivingforgood said:
I know not all men are the same
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Yes, not all men are same. Family upbringing and environment where they were growing up are the main factor that build their character.

If a boy is raised with love, then he will learn to love others. But if a boy is brought up with hatred, then he will learn to hate as well.

and the ones who are religious etc will never abuse and hurt women but i don't want to take the risk.
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Do not choose a man who always talk about Islam and show everyone that he is pious because actually this is type of man who use Islam as justification. Man like this is oppressive and also abusive.

Better you choose ordinary practicing Muslim who has high empathy to the others.
 
strivingforgood , I totally agree with you about the risk of marriage, but living the life alone is not so good . I'm doing what you say here and i'm convinced till now with my life but I can't say that I'm so happy with it, eventhough I dont have to much problems but there will be no progress of great changes in the family part of life even with a successful business life u wont be so happy . u will always feel that there is somthing still u need :)
 
Rather than educate women to tolerate their husband behavior, it's better educate men to understand woman's feeling.
 
strivingforgood said:
I have seen and heard so many women get hurt because of men.

I have seen women make so many sacrifices for their husbands only for their husbands to neglect them and abuse their rights.

I have seen women suffer at the hands of men.

I know not all men are the same and the ones who are religious etc will never abuse and hurt women but i don't want to take the risk.

It's best to be alone and lead a lonely life than live in a facade and fake marriage.

Am only going off my experiences and thoughts.

Marriage is highly stressed and recommended in Islam so please don't let me discourage you.

Allah swa knows best
Click to expand...


:salam: sister,


Many women will be able to relate to your fears and concerns, esp. those who may have experienced some form of infidelity or abuse from their husbands, or if they know of loved ones who have suffered the same.

It is in the wisdom of Allah (subhanawatáala) that He has prescribed marriage for His servants despite all of the possible things that could go wrong.

1. The reason being is that the benefits of marriage far out-weigh any possible negatives: protecting ones chastity, a defense against the nafs and shaytaan, companionship, protection, the survival of the ummah by means of children that are raised within a loving family environment, the foundation of a healthy and functional society, the sunnah of the most beloved to Allah - Muhammad (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) and hence an act of ibaadat in itself - to name but a few.

To deny oneself from marriage would mean that we are refuting the wisdom of Allah - the Most Great, the Most Knowledgeable - by seeking a means other than what He has ordained to be the Best for us.

2. However, this does not mean that within something as precious and sacred as a marriage, we will not experience some sort of hardship, heart-ache and trials.
Indeed we will! Even within the marriages of the Prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), there were periods of difficulty.
This life is a test - in every sphere and dimension of our existence we are bound to be tested in some form or the other.

Quran 29:2 Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?

And so, our marriages are not precluded from being a means of Allah testing us either.

3. Also, we should consider that things can go wrong in almost every aspect of life.

E.g. If one had to read the textbooks on childbirth, then its possible that no woman will desire to have children any more - for fear of the many, many things that could potentially go wrong.
But we focus on the pleasure of the experience - the birth of a human being and the joy that it will bring - rather than focusing on the pain (even though we know that there WILL be (extreme) pain (in most cases) ).
We have TRUST and HOPE in the mercy of Allah during this time - that He is the Best protector to both mother and child, and that everything will ultimately be well.

In the same manner, we should have implicit trust in Allah when we are seeking a partner in marriage - beg and cry before Him, that HE protects you from the fitnahs that can occur, and that He blesses you with a companion that is sincerely looking for the same.
Be Hopeful in this regard.
And know that whatever occurs, it is only by Allah's decree - and that there is ONLY GOODNESS therein - both what we perceive as 'good', and that which we perceive as 'bad' for us.

Allah can NEVER hurt us.
He only wants us to become His true and sincere servants - and He will place whatever is necessary in our paths, in an attempt for us to return to Him.


I hope my sister, that you will be able to see past the 'thorns' of marriage and focus on the rose....
There are many types of men out there - it sometimes may become difficult to appreciate this, but there still ARE good men and women, who are fearful of Allah and who will do right by you as a result, in shaa Allah.


May Allah (subhanawataála) bless all those who are seeking marriage with righteous, compatible, loving and faithful companions, who will be the means of drawing even closer to Allah.
Ameen.


:wa:
 
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~Zaria~ said:
:salam: sister,Many women will be able to relate to your fears and concerns, esp. those who may have experienced some form of infidelity or abuse from their husbands, or if they know of loved ones who have suffered the same.It is in the wisdom of Allah (subhanawatáala) that He has prescribed marriage for His servants despite all of the possible things that could go wrong.1. The reason being is that the benefits of marriage far out-weigh any possible negatives: protecting ones chastity, a defense against the nafs and shaytaan, companionship, protection, the survival of the ummah by means of children that are raised within a loving family environment, the foundation of a healthy and functional society, the sunnah of the most beloved to Allah - Muhammad (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) and hence an act of ibaadat in itself - to name but a few.To deny oneself from marriage would mean that we are refuting the wisdom of Allah - the Most Great, the Most Knowledgeable - by seeking a means other than what He has ordained to be the Best for us.2. However, this does not mean that within something as precious and sacred as a marriage, we will not experience some sort of hardship, heart-ache and trials. Indeed we will! Even within the marriages of the Prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), there were periods of difficulty. This is life is a test - in every sphere and dimension of our existence we are bound to be tested in some form or the other. Quran 29:2 Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?And so, our marriages are not precluded from being a means of Allah testing us either.3. Also, we should consider that things can go wrong in almost every aspect of life.E.g. If one had to read the textbooks on childbirth, then its possible that no woman will desire to have children any more - for fear of the many, many things that could potentially go wrong.But we focus on the pleasure of the experience - the birth of a human being and the joy that it will bring - rather than focusing on the pain (even though we know that there WILL be (extreme) pain (in most cases) ).We have TRUST and HOPE in the mercy of Allah during this time - that He is the Best protector to both mother and child, and that everything will ultimately be well.In the same manner, we should have implicit trust in Allah when we are seeking a partner in marriage - beg and cry before Him, that HE protects you from the fitnahs that can occur, and that He blesses you with a companion that is sincerely looking for the same.Be Hopeful in this regard.And know that whatever occurs, it is only by Allah's decree - and that there is ONLY GOODNESS therein - both what we perceive as 'good', and that which we perceive as 'bad' for us.Allah can NEVER hurt us.He only wants us to become His true and sincere servants - and He will place whatever is necessary in our paths, in an attempt for us to return to Him.I hope my sister, that you will be able to see past the 'thorns' of marriage and focus on the rose....There are many types of men out there - it sometimes may become difficult to appreciate this, but there still ARE good men and women, who are fearful of Allah and who will do right by you as a result, in shaa Allah.May Allah (subhanawataála) bless all those who are seeking marriage with righteous, compatible, loving and faithful companions, who will be the means of drawing even closer to Allah.Ameen.:wa:
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I agree . It isnt right to generalize based on some bad experiences.
 

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