Life Partner;My Family is not helping me finding One.

[Lightingshine]

Assalamualaikum, I am new member on this site.I want to discuss a serious problem here.I got divorced last year and now I am single again aged 29.I have zero kids but certainly would love to have one day.My problem that I am facing now is my families attitude towards me.I belong to a so called educated and broad minded family,but my parents are treating me as some sinful punishable person as if my failed marriage was all my fault.Remind you here dear reader that my previous marriage was a completely arranged affair by my parents choice solely to first cousin.The marriage ended completely after just one year due to irresponsible and abusive behaviour of my x.I told my parents from the start how my x never took care of my financial and emotional needs,how he took no responsibility of marriage and his abusive attitude towards me.But my mother advices me to bear this injustice until he declared divorce.Anyhow my marriage ended and I thanked Allah to get rid of this misery and deceitful alliance.But now unfortunately when I am positive and try to stay happy my mother criticises me that I'm the one to blame for my marriage failure and that no one would marry a divorced woman!!!dear reader it kills me it breaks my spirit my positivity,...My father who happens to call himself an educated man a cosmopolitan says that only a woman of low character remarries.How can this be real I ask myself as I stayed pure and had very little contact with the opposite sex before marriage.I got good education and patiently waited for my night in shining armour my husband to be with me someday.But my parents and family members criticise me harshly for being a divorcee.If my parents look for some proposal for me their seems to be something completely off in that man a divorced man with kids or a man with slightly crippled arm or a man who doesent have a good job.I am by Almightys Grace educated and a lady of good manners.But my mother continuously Gives me ill treatment that you are strange woman a divorced failure who has no right to marry nicely and have children of my own.I have been through a lot as I thought divorce was the ultimate nightmare but I got severe depression and went through anxiety and eye surgery because of emotional turmoil.As I feel my parents attitude towards me is most unjust and harsh it is least supportive.My question is is it a crime to be divorced?In Islam doesent a divorced lady have a right to marry a noble man ?Can she not dream of her own children?Is happiness not her wish?Should parents of divorced woman condemn her as if she is not entitled to respect love and high status in society??Why is it so even if that arranged marriage happen to be solely her parents choice and they donor like to take blame that they chose wrong man for their daughter.And Most Importantly how can a muslim woman in this situation live the life she prays for and dreams about?How can she choose to find her rightful spouse?What does Islam dictate about that?Appreciate reading kindly answer my query thankyou

 

[Lady A]

:wa:

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time! Parents should set a strong foundation in raising children. Alhamdulillah, you're all grown now. I would try my hardest (easier said than done) to let those negative words go in one ear and out the other. There's no point in getting all depressed and down about it when you know your rights and know that you're perfectly able to remarry. It's all within Allah's hands. I pray things lighten up for ya, and Allah blesses you with a husband better than before and pious children, and keeps you strong and positive, Ameen. :sunny:

and :welcome: to the forums

 

[Lightingshine]

Thanks for your prayers.I wish it was easier to ignore such comments all the time.But try to always avoid such criticism.At difficult times we need more support system to make us stronger.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Lightningshine,


Welcome to this Forum! (smile) I see you've been posting a bit already.

About marriage… well, of course Muslims are allowed to marry after divorce (or widowhood). From what I have read, it seems that in the Prophet's time, it was not uncommon for divorced and widowed women to remarry. Indeed, they seem to have been snapped up pretty quickly, even getting multiple offers, sometimes, and even when they were older.

(sigh) But this seems not to be the case in many cultures today.

Allah has Designed us to marry. Marriage is a large part of our Deen (smile. Half, indeed!). So whether we are single, divorced or widowed, we should seek to marry. Not only for our needs and wishes, but also as an act of worship, an act to help us to get closer to Allah.

But how to do this, if our culture (or other factors) makes marriage difficult for us? (smile) We try our best. We make our efforts, we ask Allah, and we trust in Him. (smile) Note I mentioned making our efforts first? It's because all-too-often, we tend to sit back and wait for a miracle. But this life is about struggling. (smile) Many people mistakenly believe that having sabr means you just wait. But this is incorrect. Sabr is a very active state. It is a struggle. Sometimes, restraining yourself when you desire something intensely is the struggle. And while to the outside world, this may look like an inaction, in reality, it is an intense action. However, sabr may also be an obviously active state. In the Qur'an, Allah Refers to those who fight as sabireen! (For a more thorough explanation of this idea, please read my post on sabr on this thread: http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-and-support/134325414-move.html).

(smile) It seems to me that Allah is Gifting you with the struggle to find a good spouse to marry. But I get the feeling that just grabbing the first person you can, would be a mistake. From what you have posted about your family (on this and other threads), I get the impression that there is a little imbalance, a little unhealthiness in your family. And this is probably why they didn't select a good spouse for you, incidentally. (gently) And you know, if you had picked him, you would have probably chosen someone inappropriate too. (mildly) You are a product of your family, you know.

Does this mean there is no hope? Oh no! Quite the contrary! Because if you can become aware of a problem, then you can take steps to correct it. (smile) And while you can't change your parents or siblings, you can change yourself, inshAllah.

So if you want to have a crack at finding a good husband, I'd suggest that you look carefully at yourself and your family's dynamics. Try to look at everybody clinically, not as a child or a sibling, but as a therapist. You could look for books to help you seek insights into what are the imbalances in your family (and yourself, remember). You could search the internet. You could perhaps speak with a therapist.

You are not doing this to disdain your family, remember, but to correct any imbalance within yourself. (smile) Because you have no control over anyone except yourself. And because cutting family ties is a great sin. (smile) This does not mean that you just helplessly submit to abuse. But while you may temporarily walk away to avoid abuse and confrontations, you always leave the door open for reconciliation. Lovingly (though if ever you are in danger, then you must take steps to protect yourself).

If you can slowly (and it does take time) heal yourself (with Allah's Help), you become much more likely to be attracted to, and attract, a good man. (smile) Islam is the Middle Way. It is about balance and harmony. So seeking to find your inner balance will not only make you more likely to marry well, but it will also bring you closer to Allah. (smile) So no matter what happens in the matrimonial department, you will be a winner, inshAllah.

(smile) I hope that this may help. My dua's are with you.


May Allah, the Bestower, Grant us that which is best for us in both this life and the Next.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Nothing wrong with divorced women and they have every right to remarry someone good. Khadija RA was a divorced woman prior to marrying Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alaihe Wassalam, this alone should show that there is nothing wrong inherently with a divorcee.

Secondly, your parents are from a different generation and culture with a totally different mindset. I think there is very little you can do to change their lifetimes worth of ideas except be patient with their attitudes which are founded in ignorance. Sometimes the best answer is silence.

 

[Lightingshine]

Thank you for your feedback and valid advice .I think some tests in life really make us Realize things we didn't pay attention to before.Though sometimes being silent makes you feel your holding a lot inside but it does help us feel more in control of situation.I usually ignore negative remarks as It only shows mentality of the person.As for patience May Allah grant us peace satisfaction and fruits to all those who are patient and practice it.Aameen

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum.

Few of my friends married divorced women. I myself plan to marry a divorced woman when my children have ready to accept 'new mother'. (I am a widower).

Is not true if a divorced woman is not worth to remarry. If divorced women are not worth to remarry, then divorced men should be not worth to remarry too, ... to make it fair.

 

[piXie]

Nothing wrong with divorced women and they have every right to remarry someone good. Khadija RA was a divorced woman prior to marrying Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alahi Wasallam

She was a widow, if I remember correctly. But many of his :saws1: other wives were woman who were previously divorced.

May Allah make it easy for you sister. Aameen.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Thank you for the correction.

 

[Lightingshine]

Worthy Members,I would like to make One point clear regarding a perverted concept prevailing in modern societies.The common notion is prevailing in many women as well who believe marriage is the ultimate deal,It certainly is but problem lies not in merely tying the knot but actually feeling core satisfaction and harmony from the companionship.Thus it is crucial to understand how meaningful fulfilling and harmonious any particular relation is for you.A pearl of wisdom and advice lies in the following ;The Day You Complete Half of your Deen;just remember ;She is not only your Wife But Your Queen;A Gift From Ar Rahman Ar Raheem. May Allah Almighty bless all of Muslims with utmost peace and satisfaction.Aameen