[Njmuslima]

I am a Pakistani born Muslim-American living in New Jersey. I have a question and need a solution to something Islam and taking care of parents/inlaws. Every situation is different that is why I am asking who is right and what is right.

My husband and I have a dream to get a big house and move to a new area with more Muslim community (normal things any husband wife desire). My husband even before marriage always told me that we will take care of his parents forever because his older two brothers had a fight at home and moved out after marriage and left them alone. My mother in law is still upset about that so she does not talk to them anymore does not even want to see their face.

My mother in law used to say to my husband all the time "you're not going to leave me too?" And my husband decided that he will never leave them because the older two brothers took no responsibility for them. My mother in law and father in law used to always say that they will go with us wherever we go. Recently my husband showed my mother in law a new house we might get and now she changed her mind completely. She doesn't want to leave her house ever. She doesn't want to move to a big house because she's scared that no one will take care of her there because me and my husband both work. In this house she has the convenience of her daughter being down the street. I told her she shouldn't assume things and that we will try our best to take care of her but out of fear she doesn't want to leave. We don't know what to do because leaving them would be wrong and no different than the other brothers but we can't listen to her either because that would mean we have to stay in this house forever and give up our dreams and goals in order for her to be happy. She said if we leave she won't ever see us again but she also won't agree to come with us. My husband tried to explain to her that we are not going to abandon her but she says if we want to take care of her that we should just stay here. My husband or I have never done anything to make her think that we wouldn't take care of her except that we travel and work and stay busy but she also works. She just doesn't want to live in a different neighborhood than her daughter I think which seems to important right now than living happily with her son and daughter in law who are willing to take her to a new house and share our lives. What do you have to say about this?

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I am a Pakistani born Muslim-American living in New Jersey. I have a question and need a solution to something Islam and taking care of parents/inlaws. Every situation is different that is why I am asking who is right and what is right.

My husband and I have a dream to get a big house and move to a new area with more Muslim community (normal things any husband wife desire). My husband even before marriage always told me that we will take care of his parents forever because his older two brothers had a fight at home and moved out after marriage and left them alone. My mother in law is still upset about that so she does not talk to them anymore does not even want to see their face.

My mother in law used to say to my husband all the time "you're not going to leave me too?" And my husband decided that he will never leave them because the older two brothers took no responsibility for them. My mother in law and father in law used to always say that they will go with us wherever we go. Recently my husband showed my mother in law a new house we might get and now she changed her mind completely. She doesn't want to leave her house ever. She doesn't want to move to a big house because she's scared that no one will take care of her there because me and my husband both work. In this house she has the convenience of her daughter being down the street. I told her she shouldn't assume things and that we will try our best to take care of her but out of fear she doesn't want to leave. We don't know what to do because leaving them would be wrong and no different than the other brothers but we can't listen to her either because that would mean we have to stay in this house forever and give up our dreams and goals in order for her to be happy. She said if we leave she won't ever see us again but she also won't agree to come with us. My husband tried to explain to her that we are not going to abandon her but she says if we want to take care of her that we should just stay here. My husband or I have never done anything to make her think that we wouldn't take care of her except that we travel and work and stay busy but she also works. She just doesn't want to live in a different neighborhood than her daughter I think which seems to important right now than living happily with her son and daughter in law who are willing to take her to a new house and share our lives. What do you have to say about this?

Firstly sister I hope if you and your partner are not intending to get another house with riba (usury, interest). If so then continue saving what you can until you are in the position to financially do so without selling your deen and imaan to go at war with Allah.

Secondly sister I understand what you are saying and it can be difficult dealing with older people who are more set in their ways and feel comfortable where they are and want to remain there for the rest of their lives. Although your mother in law is your husbands responsibility then know that if something happened to your mother in law whilst your husband and her were not in good terms then he will forever be in utter regret as we only have one mother in our lives and we should try our best to ensure we keep them as happy as we possibly can. Even if it means making minor sacrifices to what we perceive as our own "happiness".

We should also consider that we we think is best for us is not always necessarily the case. I know from many of the things that have happened in my own life that when things turned out differently then you eventually see the wisdom behind it later on. Similarly you have made effort to make her see sense and leave the rest now to Allah and ask of him to do what is best for you and whatever happens after that will be what is best for the both of you.

However that is not to say that you will not be able to get a property later on. It may be that if you waited due to pleasing your mother in law that Allah will give you something better later on. But also realise that this is an amazing opportunity for your husband and you to get immense rewards by making your Mother in law happy and looking after her. By making a little sacrifice you will gain something far greater. Much of the time we look at what will benefit us in this world without realise that what we gain in this world is short lived and temporary whereas what we gain in the next will benefit us forever!

May Allah enable us to prioritise the rewards in the next life over little gains in this world. Ameen

 

[azc]

You live in your dream home and keep in touch with her.
In the long run it's good for all of you.

She trust her daughter more than you.

Keep on visiting her frequently if possible. You may ask her to stay with you for a few days.

If you serve her and make her her feel more comfortable than her own home, probably she will stay with you till she is alive.