Love

[anonymous]

I really really want to be able to love my husband but i just dont feel it. I feel worse because he foes soo muh for me. Theres nothin wrong with him but i just dont feel thats love feeling a wife should. I pray namaz i ask Allah to change my heart, the way i feel. I want us to lead a happy life. I dont know what to do

 

[Innocent Soul]

Assalamualaikum

I know someone who is in your situation. I don't know whether I am helping you at all but I'll try my best.

The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise. (Quran 9:71)

Say, [O Muhammad], "If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and jihad in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people."
(Surah Tawbah 9:24)

Set forth to them the similitude of the life of this world: It is like the rain which we send down from the skies: the earth's vegetation absorbs it, but soon it becomes dry stubble, which the winds do scatter: it is (only) Allah who prevails over all things.(18:45)

The most valuable things in life are a tongue which mentions God, a grateful heart and a believing wife who helps a man with his faith.

Tell them (O Muhammad ): 'O My slaves who have wronged their souls, do not despair of Allah's mercy, for Allah will forgive all the sins. He is indeed very Forgiving, very Compassionate, Turn to Him then, and obey Him (in all your affairs).'"
(Al-Zumar:53,54)

And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind."(Surah Taha 20:124)

Please read these threads.
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[ardianto]

Is love necessary in marriage ?. Not only necessary, love is very important IN marriage although not TO marriage. That's different.

A man and a woman can start a marriage without love each other. However, after they got married they should love each other because love is the foundation of "mawadah" in Muslim marriage.

But what is love ?. If you thing love means you must jealous, possessive, want him always do anything only for you, .... you're wrong. Love is a feeling, we always want to make someone happy, we always want to do our best for him/her. Love is the art of giving, not the art of taking.

And love is unique. Love will not comes if we invite. Love will runs farther if we chase. And love will comes, only to sincere hearts that ready to accept it. So, if you try to invite and chase love, you will never succeed.

Then, how to make love comes to your heart ?.

Stop trying to invite love, and focus to your duties as a wife. Always serve your husband sincerely, always try to do the best for him, always try to make him happy. I am sure, your husband is a good man who can appreciate what you do for him. One day when you start to have a feeling you are happy when you see him happy, you always care on him, you always want to make him happy, and happy, and happy, it's means love start to comes to your heart.

Need a patience for it, but I know you can.

 

[Snowflake]

^agreed

a non muslim woman once told me that she hadn't been in love with her husband when he'd proposed to her. In fact she'd told him that if he going to mistreat her, he might as well not bother consummating the marriage. Subhan Allah, he treated her so well, she couldn't help but feel herself beginning to love him and now she can't imagine life without him.

If you think love should be like something in Bollywood, Hollywood and Lollywood, then you're wrong. Most of us are brought up to believe love is how the media portrays it. It's not. Love for your husband can come from the same appreciation, care and concern as it would with a friend who does so much for you, and go deeper still. Do dhikr and recite al Quran much. Your heart will become more loving and giving in return insha Allah. : )

 

[ardianto]

Just guessing although maybe I am wrong, you got married through arranged marriage. It's because problem "I want to love my husband but I can't" usually found in arranged marriage.

Okay, before I am talking further, I will correcting a misconception around Love Marriage. Many people assume, love marriage is marriage that preceded by attracted to each other and both parties fell in love, like in movies. Not always. Many love marriage were built by two persons who didn't have love feeling like in movies, but both parties were agree to accept each other. Many of love marriage like this happened after people around them 'proposed' someone, then they agree to marry, and then they got married.

About arranged marriage. Without offend other culture, a disadvantage of arranged marriage is, it could grow "sense to refuse" (sorry, my English is very bad), not really accept their spouse, because they feel, their spouses were not chosen by themselves. Different than love marriage that started without sense of love, which both parties had a freedom to accept or refuse, but they agree to accept each other. It makes them easier to grow love in their marriage.

And "sense to refuse" becomes a barrier to love their spouse when they realized, their spouses who chosen by their parents are good persons. It because their hearts have been filled with this sense, but they do not realize it.

So, sister, if your marriage is arranged marriage, you should able to throw away "sense to refuse" from your heart. Do not regard your husband as a husband who chosen by your parent, but regard your husband as a husband who proposed by your parents, and you agree to accept him, like in many love marriage.

But if your marriage is love marriage without sense of love, you must consequent with your decision to accept him as your husband.

And how to raise love ?. Javanese people say witing tresno jalaran soko kulino, Love grows because it used, or Love grows because (we are) familiar with. That's why I said always try to do the best for your husband, always try to make him happy. He will appreciate it, and his appreciation will make you feel, your presence in his life is very valuable, and it will motivate you to always do the best you can do for him.

Do many things together with him. Eat together, shopping together, visit some relatives together, and other many things. Togetherness will makes you familiar with him. And after you have been familiar with him, you will have a feeling you always want to be with him every time.

..... and, this is love.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I really really want to be able to love my husband but i just dont feel it. I feel worse because he foes soo muh for me. Theres nothin wrong with him but i just dont feel thats love feeling a wife should. I pray namaz i ask Allah to change my heart, the way i feel. I want us to lead a happy life. I dont know what to do

Asalaamu alaikum. Im not married yet so I cant tell you anything from personal experience but many people whom I personally know have told me that love is not enough to keep a marriage going. You need much more than love for a successful marriage. Marriage is hardwork and a team effort. It requires both to put in in order to get good results from the marriage.

What I would say is dont be decieved by the deceptive "hollywood n bollywood" romance love portrayed in movies. That simply is not reality. Love will grow though you just have to give it time. Dont expect pure love and romance overnight. Take one step at a time. Let time make the feelings develop.

Hardships and trials will bring both of you together or it could do more damage. Its all about what you make of it. A lot of the time when couples feel there is no love then there actually is but it takes some incident to occur for the couple to actually realise how much they truly love and care for each other.

So put the effort in, give it time, keep the doors of communication open, share your feelings, pains needs and wants. Also at the sametime ask of Allah to put love for each other in both of your hearts and to bring both of you closer and you will eventually get what you are looking for.

May Allah put love and mercy in both of your hearts for each other. Ameen

 

[anonymous]

Love is there for the person he is, but not the physical love a wife should show.

 

[ardianto]

Love is there for the person he is, but not the physical love a wife should show.

Not true. The wife should show her love to her husband, including physical love, to build mawadah between wife and husband.

A marriage need a "mawadah". Marriage without mawadah is same like an usual partnership, like in business partnership. It's not good.

But what is mawadah ?. Imam Hasan Al Basri interpret mawadah as metaphor of sexual relationship, but usually ulama interpret mawadah as love between husband and wife which intimacy and sexual relationship are included in it.

Mawadah is the feeling of love between husband and wife, something that makes the husband always wanted to be with his wife, makes the wife always wanted to be with her husband. Mawadah is something that makes the husband and wife always want to have a togetherness, including togetherness on the bed.

If the wife never show her physical love, the husband will assume his wife doesn't have mawadah. And this will eliminate mawadah in the heart of the husband.